Chapter 29

Another few weeks passed, I was still unemployed and growing incredibly bored and restless. I'd been called to quite a few interviews in response to my applications, and I was waiting for them to get back to me. I tried to pass the time by knitting furiously and watching endless episodes of TV-series. Realising this was an incredibly unproductive way of spending all this free-time I started studying for the motorcycle theory test, having decided I was going to get a license, maybe over the summer. I kept my studying a secret, wanting to surprise James with it at some point. But when I was tired of studying and couldn't sit still any longer I cleaned, or did laundry or something around the house, which just made me feel like a stay-at-home wife and I hated it with a passion. The fact that James was gone for four days on a shoot hadn't helped my restlessness. It was our first time spending nights apart since we had gotten back together, and being without James like this just brought back awful feelings and memories. No matter how much I tried to keep in mind that we were together now, that everything was fine and he was just away working, I still felt uneasy and restless. I was missing him and needed for him to come home. I disliked feeling so dependent on him, almost addicted to him. Being unemployed and bored just made it worse, because I didn't have work to take my mind of the fact that I was missing him.

A vibration in my pocked notified me that my phone was ringing. James was calling me and I thought I'd better pick up, not wanting him to worry.
«Emily! Where are you?» He asked when I had said hello.
«James, hi. I'm just... out. Walking.»
«Oh, okay... I just came home,» he said, sounding a little disappointed that I wasn't there to greet him. Since he'd been gone for four days and I knew when he would be back, he had expected me to be there.
«I ... needed a walk, clear my head a bit. I'm just in Ravenscourt Park.»
«Everything all right?» He asked, knowing me well enough to sense that something was up.
«No, not really... Depends on how you look at it,» I said mysteriously. «We'll talk about it later, when I get back, okay?»
«All right...» He said. "Don't be long." He was unwilling to let me go, but he did anyway. I did another round of the park, thinking furiously.

James appeared in the kitchen doorway as soon as I came home.
«There you are!» He smiled and stretched out his arms. I walked straight into them and buried my face in the crook of his neck, taking in his familiar, comforting scent.
«I'm glad you're home, baby,» I said, my voice muffled against his shirt.
«Me too.» Warm, familiar hands cupped my face and James hummed as he gave me a long kiss. «Did you eat? Are you hungry?» He asked when he let go of me.
«Mno, don't feel much like eating.» I gave a sad little shrug. «How about you?»
«I'll eat later, I think I want to know what's going on with you first,» he said mildly, brushing some curls away from my face.
«All right,» I sighed. «Cup of tea?» A few minutes later we sank down on the sofa with a cup each.
«Suspense is killing me, woman. What's going on?» James said impatiently.
«I've.. been offered a job,» I began.
«Wahey, great!» He exclaimed, his face brightening up. When he saw my lack of enthusiasm his face fell a bit. «...No?»
«It's in Rwanda,» I said as quickly as I could, just to get it overwith.
«As in Rwanda, Africa..?» James said a little stupidly.
«No, Rwanda, Yorkshire! Of course, Africa!» I teased. «It's with the Red Cross, they need nurses in a camp for congolese refugees. Providing basic health care, medication, first aid... Everything, really. I signed up as available for another stint about a month ago, I'd completely forgotten about it, until they suddenly called today. When I signed up it was just another way of... trying to get as far away as I could...» I finished quietly.
«You don't still want to get away...?» he asked hesitantly.
«No, no, of course I don't!» I assured him, caressing his hand. «But this is Africa, James! Rwanda, even! I've wanted to go back ever since I went to Kenya and Uganda all those years ago. It was one of the reasons I even became a nurse in the first place, the idea that I could go back someday and help out in some way, at least a little. It's been a distant dream since I was 19 and... now I have the chance. Rwanda is supposed to be an absolutely amazing country.»
«So you're basically just asking me permission to go?» He asked in a flat tone of voice and he pulled his hand away from mine. His face was set in stone and he was barely looking at me.
«No, I.. I just wanted to talk about it with you...» I fiddled nervously with my own hands, having lost the comfort of James'.
«How long would you be gone?»
«Um.. Three months, six maybe..» I added.
«Six months?!» He repeated, looking horrified.
«Maybe,» I pointed out. «I don't know, I... Three months can seem like a long time but... This is such an amazing opportunity and if I don't take it I might not get another one. If you look at it another way, in the course of a whole life three months is ... such an insignificant amount of time.»
«Insignificant?» He repeated incredulously, he certainly didn't think it was.
«This job won't be here in three months, but hopefully you will be...» I said, realising immediately how bad it sounded.
«Will I?» His voice was cold as he straightened up and raised an eyebrow at me. The look he gave me almost made me cry instantly, it gave me no promises that he would. I was shocked at how quickly he had threatened with not being there for me.
«W-w-won't you?» I stammered, trying to control a bottom lip that was quivering out of control, the sheer thought of it scared the life out of me.
«It seems like you've already made up your mind,» he said sulkily.
«No, I haven't!» I maintained, swallowing hard. «I just... want to make you understand why this is important to me, why this is a big thing, a big decision. This came at such a bad time, this job offer, the last thing I want to do is be away from you again, not now when we've just... Fixed things. And I want you to know that I wouldn't have considered it, even for a second, if it wasn't something I really wanted to do.» A long silence followed in which James studied his knotted hands, and I studied James, trying to figure out what thought processes might be going on in his head. «Well..?» I prompted, needing to break the silence and get James to say something. Anything.
«Well what? What do you want me to do?» He said, throwing his arms out and looking exasperated.
«I don't know, I.. Say something, tell me what you think? Obviously you don't like it, but...» Another silence followed, and I gave James time to think. He sighed heavily before he spoke.
«I get that this is important to you, Emily, you've talked about Africa, about going back... Hell, we even met while you were out doing this kind of thing, but... I don't know, can I just... Think for a little? You've already had some time to think about this.»
«Oh...all right.» I was unable to argue with him, I had thought this over for hours already. Of course he should be given the same chance.
«When do you have to decide?»
«They gave me until Monday...»
«Okay,» he sighed. «I have some emails and stuff to catch up on.» He patted my knee and gave me a quick kiss, all of which was meant to reassure me that everything would be all right, but none of it convinced me in the slightest. I watched James as he disappeared into his office, feeling how my heart sank to somewhere around knee-level. His reaction had made my decision that much harder, and I was more confused than ever. Desperately needing someone to talk to, I found my laptop and decided to call up my sister via webcam. She couldn't bring me any clarity on the matter either, or provide much comfort. At first she just said the things I had thought a hundred times already. How this was a great opportunity, my dream come true, really. And it was only for three months, the time would fly by. But what about James, could he handle it? The whole discussion just went around in circles and was just confusing me even further. We were interrupted by the kids' bedtime, and the conversation ended. Just as I had closed the laptop James appeared in the doorway from the hallway. He had an odd expression on his face, neutral and distant.
«Colin asked if I wanted to go out for some pints. I think I'll go.»
«Oh... all right, okay...» It was all I managed to say. I knew his reaction to the job offer could be a negative one, but I hadn't expected this. Not that I had thought he'd be over the moon about it, but I had hoped for some support and a little understanding, at least. James had just come home, he'd been away for two days and I'd missed him and looked forward to spending time with him.
«I'll just change clothes then I'll be going,» he said and disappeared upstairs. Internally I was torn between surprise, annoyance and a will to be understanding. Part of me understood that he needed time, and maybe that he needed to talk to someone else about this, someone who wasn't me. But I couldn't help being a bit stunned at how he was acting, and a little annoyed. James and I could talk about everything and I never felt like I had to hide anything from him about myself. But did he feel the same way? If what had happened between us should have taught him anything it would be that he shouldn't run away and not talk about what was on his mind. Maybe he wasn't like that, maybe he needed to talk to someone else about it first. Vent his frustrations. I was torn out of my preoccupation by James' voice. He was standing in the doorway, now dressed in a loudly patterned shirt and his leather jacket. Instantly I thought about how gorgeous he was, and desire for him was suddenly fighting with all of my other feelings. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay here, to hold me, kiss me and make love to me. «I said I was leaving,» he repeated.
«Oh, yeah sorry. All right. Have fun, say hi to Colin?» I did my best at sounding normal, but I wasn't sure I was convincing.
«All right,» he said, and just like that he was gone. I listened as his footsteps retreated and the front door shut behind him. The absence of sound was deafening, and suddenly I remembered something James had said to me. The silence you left behind... I fully understood what he had meant by that now. Of all stupid things to do, I broke down sobbing. An apathetic, aimless sort of cry that leaves you unable to do anything but sit straight up and down with your arms hanging limply by your side. I cried because I had been given this stupid opportunity now when I really wasn't in a position to take it. James and I had just made it through something that had been awful for both of us, and miraculously we'd come out of it together. But we were still fragile. I cried because I doubted our relationship would withstand me being gone for three months. I cried because I wasn't able to just blankly say no to the chance and tell James that of course, I choose you. What did that make me? Cold, cynical? Or just not as in love as I thought I was? I had never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. But, if I loved him with all my heart, shouldn't this have been any easy choice? Honestly I hadn't thought I'd ever find someone I would be willing to give up a chance like this for. And I cried because James seemed to be running again. Was he going to do this every time things got a bit difficult? «Do as I want or I'll just leave?» And then I cried because I was thinking these things about James, and I felt horrible for it. Mercifully the crying died down and I felt a little better, calmer at least. I had some food and curled up on the sofa with the TV-remote, feeling like I needed to give my brain a break from the eternal thinking and churning.

When I woke up it was nearly 1am and I had fallen asleep with the remote in my hand. Wasn't James home yet? Or had he just gone to bed and not bothered to wake me? I turned off the TV and lights, then dragged my heavy feet up the stairs. The bed was empty. I tried his phone. It rang, but I got no answer. I crawled into the cold, empty bed and hoped I would be able to fall asleep again, still feeling drowsy. But my worrying for James made sleep impossible. Was he still out? Had he not wanted to come home and gone to a hotel? Had something happened? Had he gone home with someone? At that last thought I became physically nauseous and nearly started crying again. I stayed there in the dark for what felt like months, entertaining all kinds of concerned and suspicious thoughts. Amazingly I had nearly been dozing off when I heard the front door. The time was nearly 2:30. Unable to stop myself I got out of bed and padded downstairs on bare feet. James was in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen counter and drinking from a bottle of coke. His shirt was a little dishevelled and it had ketchup stains on it. By his glassy eyes and the way he swayed a little I could tell he was drunk.
«Hey.. You're home...» I said quietly.
«You sound surprised,» he said. The coldness in his voice made me nearly take a step back.
«No, I... It's just... late, I was getting worried...» I stuttered, wondering why I felt like I had to defend myself.
«Worried? Imagine how I'll feel, then!» His voice was suddenly loud and angry.
«You...?» I said, confused.
«How do you think I'll feel when you've gone off to some ... refugee camp on the border of a war-torn country. In a country where genocide on an epic scale happened less than twenty years ago, I might add!» He wasn't too drunk to string words into sentences, but evidently drunk enough to finally speak his mind. «I'm going to be worried out of my skull! You could be injured, Emily, or killed, or kidnapped and raped and...» His voice trailed off, he was running out of atrocities that might happen to me.
«James, I... The camp isn't in a conflict-zone, and we have people watching out for us. UN soldiers, Peace Corps, things like that... In many ways being in Syria was more risky, that was a conflict zone and it just got more and more unstable...,» I argued.
«And after I met you down there I did nothing but worry about you until I knew you'd gone back to Norway!» He said loudly. «Every time I heard Syria mentioned on the news my heart stopped! And that was back when I barely knew you!»
«I... I didn't know that, you never said..» I mumbled quietly, but then I felt like I was defending myself again and anger came to the rescue. «Don't you think I'll worry about you too, when you're out travelling? You go to some pretty remote places, drive wrecks that are barely kept together by gaffa-tape and wire, on some of the most dangerous roads in the world! The last time you went on one of those trips you ended up in my emergency with your brain bruised! But I know it's part of your job, and without your job you'd go insane! I know how much you need your job!»
«You can't compare making a tv-show with working in a refugee camp, Emily! For one thing I'm gone for a week, maybe two. You'll be gone for three months, or maybe six!» He waved his hands as he talked, drunk and angry. I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn't even know what to say. James studied me a little from behind his glassy, drunken eyes. Then he started talking again. «You know, I've always been perfectly fine on my own. Before I met you, I didn't mind being alone, living on my own... I had a few girlfriends, but even then I mostly preferred being alone. But when we... those weeks I spent away from you, I thought I was going to lose it, suddenly I just... couldn't function on my own. I felt like I was missing a part of myself. I've never been dependent on anybody, and I absolutely hate it! I hate needing you as much as I do! It scares the hell out of me! And now you're talking about leaving, for months! To go to the other side of the world, to a place that could be dangerous. And I can do absolutely nothing to stop you. Except hope that you'll stay because you love me.»
«Of course I love you!» I said shrilly. «Don't you dare use the fact that I love you against me!»
«It's the only thing I have!» He roared. «If you love me, you won't go!»
«Stop talking like I've already decided to go!» I shouted.
«Haven't you?» He shouted back. «It sure sounds that way, the way you've been talking!» I buried my face in my hands and sighed loudly, rubbing my temples.
«James... You're drunk, and tired...» I said quietly. «I don't want to have a drunken argument with you. Just... go to bed. Sleep it off. We'll talk in the morning.» He stared at me for a long time with glassy, dark eyes, swaying slightly on the spot.
«Fine,» he huffed then he tore past me and scrambled up the stairs. I sighed again and had a drink of water. I sat down by the kitchen table and fiddled through yesterdays paper, not really reading a single word. I was just passing time, trying to calm down. If I was honest with myself I was just waiting for James to fall asleep so I wouldn't have to argue with him any longer. After a while I filled a big glass of water and found some paracetamol and allergy pills, then padded upstairs. James was already asleep, mouth open and snoring like he always did when he was drunk. I placed the glass and the pills on his nightstand knowing he'd need them when he woke up, walked out and closed the door behind me. Not feeling like sleeping next to a smelly, drunken, snoring James I went to the guest bedroom. But it took a long while before sleep finally came.

Chapter 28

After James had gone for work I went back to bed, taking my laptop with me and I started searching for jobs, writing up a resume and applications. In the end I applied for just about anything, temp jobs, part time, full time, and in about every ward imaginable in the greater London area. The most interesting job I found was at nearby Queen Charlotte and Chelsea hospital, at a prematurity clinic. I had always wanted to work with premature babies in a neonatal intensive care unit so I made an extra effort and went to the hospital with my application the very same day. I knew my chances of getting it weren't great, I had very little experience in working with infants except for the few cases I had in Syria. I had no specialist training or education in the field either, but I had considered specialising as a paediatric nurse just to work in that kind of unit. In any case trying for it couldn't hurt, I figured.

The first few days of unemployment was enjoyable, I relished being able to sleep in and not have any set plans. Usually I got up with James and sorted breakfast then curled up on the sofa with Fusker to search for jobs or watch TV. But I quickly grew restless and the days grew long and boring. James was working with Top Gear, preparing for the new season that was going to start airing in May. And he had his writing. Meanwhile I kept endlessly surfing the employment ads, mailing applications or calling hospitals. Needing to get out of the house I went for lunch with Cathy, filling her in on all the drama that had been going on in my life lately and she listened in wide-eyed fascination. She was a little hurt that I hadn't told her any of it before. I admitted that I wished I had come to her with it, because dealing with it on my own had come very close to breaking me, even closer than I had been aware of. From where I was now, with James back in my life, it was easier to see how dark my mind had been without him. At the time I had felt like I was coping with it in some way, but what I had really been doing was running away, shutting it out.

As bored as I was, the week still sped past. James and I decided to spend Saturday night just being with each other and enjoy ourselves. All those weeks we had spent apart, and the reasons for it, were still fresh in our minds and we both wanted to focus on each other and rebuild our relationship. We decided to make food together, drinking copious amounts of wine while we did. Cooking had always been something I found incredibly tedious, mainly because it was very boring to cook for just one person. But with James I liked it, it was fun and cozy. The wine probably helped. After dinner I turned on some music and sat down in the corner of the sofa. James sat down next to me and he pulled my legs into his lap. For a while we sat in silence, just listening to music. I fiddled absentmindedly with the stem of my glass while I listened, thinking. James' eyes had been closed for a long time.

«James? You asleep or just having a bliss-out?» I said, gently prodding his tummy with my knee, worried he was going to spill his wine if he actually was nodding off. He opened his eyes and blinked at me.

«Hm, what? Bliss-out? What the hell is a bliss-out?» He pronounced the word as if it was something completely foreign to him.

«You know, when you're just... overcome with bliss and serenity.»

«Ah. Guess I was having a «bliss out» then,» he said, sarcastically drawing quotation marks around the term with his fingers.

«So, how has your first week of me living in your house been? Should I start surfing for a new flat as well as a new job?» I asked. The question had been on my mind all week. What did he really think of suddenly having someone living with him?

«I wish I'd known a week ago just how loudly you are capable of snoring,» he said with a sad shrug.

«Hey!» I squawked, pretending to be offended. He chuckled a little and caressed my knee and thigh lovingly.

«This week has been... great. I like knowing you're waiting for me when I come home from work.» I gave him a little frown, and he realised what he had just said. «Oh god, that came out all wrong,» he said hurriedly. «I just meant... It's amazing, having you to come home to. I love being able to fall asleep next to you every night.»

«So you don't miss having... personal space? Time on your own?» I asked tentatively.

«Well, the good thing is that we have about the same need for personal space. We can be in the same room, do completely different things and not feel like we have to talk to each other or be joined at the hip. I still have whatever personal space I need, but this is nicer because I'm not so... lonely.» What James was saying made me happy, I had been worried that me being in the house all the time would make him feel like he was being smothered. Often when James played piano, was reading or if he went into his garage I let him be, respecting his need for some time on his own. And it gave me time to do the same.

«Good,» I smiled.

«How has your first week living with me been, then? Desperate to find a new flat?» He asked in return. His insecurity shone through him and I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.

«It's been a very good one,» I said simply. «So no, no plans to find a flat,» I added. «But we need to sort out some sort of rent or something, I can't just live here for free.»

«No, Emily, you don't have to--» James began, shaking his head.

«Oh come off it. It wouldn't feel right, living here and not pay for anything, I'd feel like I was just... freeloading.»

«Emily, the mortgage on this house is already paid off. In case you haven't noticed, I've done quite well on the economical front. You paying me rent would be just... pointless.»

«Okay, but even if your mortgage is paid off you still have fixed expenses each month? Electricity, water, gas, internet provider, all that stuff,» I maintained stubbornly. He sighed, knowing I wouldn't let up on this.

«All right, fine, we'll split the ongoing expenses. But that's it!» He pointed sternly at me, obviously not accepting any more buts. «Just take the money you would use for rent and... I don't know, pay off your student loan or something. Do something sensible with them,» he waved airily.

«No, I'm going to spend it all on caviar, champagne and strippers.» I rolled my eyes at him and he laughed loudly.

«So, are we agreed on this?» James said when he was done laughing.

«Yeah all right,» I nodded, accepting the compromise. He said nothing, he just smiled as he took my nearly empty glass from me and set it on the table next to his own. «Is there room for me too?» I nodded and stretched my arms out towards him. He laid down on his side next to me, the sofa was really too narrow for both of us. The kiss he gave me was unhurried and loving. When we broke apart he looked at me, and after a moment's silence he raised an inquisitive eyebrow. «Just out of curiosity; male or female strippers?»

«Definitely not males ones. Male strippers often remind me of those genetically modified cows, you know? Just... lumbering, unnatural mountains of bulging meat, it's disgusting!» I said with a grimace. James burst out laughing his characteristic duck-laughter. Then he made a face of disgust and nodded his agreement. «Female ones can be sexy, though, if they have a bit of class. Like.. burlesque strippers. Dita von Teese kind of thing...» I mused, thinking out loud. When I returned to reality James stared at me with wide eyes.

«I have to get you drunk on tequila sometime...» he breathed.

«You know, boyfriends can get stripteases without there being any tequila involved whatsoever...» I said with a smirk. His eyes lit up with hopeful anticipation. «But I strongly recommend tequila. If I try to dance sober I'm as graceful as a camel on heels. When I'm drunk I at least think I can dance.»

«The last time I danced with you I thought you were very graceful,» he said with a dreamy smile, thinking back to the Top Gear Christmas party.

«That was a slightly different kind of dancing,» I reminded him.

«You looked absolutely breathtaking that night.» His eyes glittered as he looked at me. I fidgeted nervously and avoided his gaze, feeling myself growing hot around the ears. James took my face in his hand, forcing me to look at him. «You really don't do well with compliments, do you?»

«Mmno, I guess I don't... I never have,» I shrugged.

«I'll never forget how you looked that night. I could barely keep up a conversation with anyone because I couldn't stop staring at you. You are always beautiful, though. I wish I could make you understand just how beautiful I think you are.» An incredibly endearing shyness came over him as he admitted to this. For once I tried to just let the compliment sink in and take it to heart.

«Thank you...» I smiled, running a hand over his cheek. «You know, that Christmas party... I was so nervous... I was constantly blushing around you. You must've noticed?»

«Nervous? Why?» He frowned a little.

«Because I was so... bloody attracted to you. You were incredibly handsome that night. And sexy...» I added.

«Sexy?!» James guffawed, then shook his head. «There isn't a sexy thing on me, Emily, I'm just... old.»

«Now who is rubbish at taking compliments? And by the way - that's bollocks!» I retorted. «There are lots of sexy things about you.»

«Like?» He raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

«Your eyes are sexy. Intense, blue eyes. That piercing look you give me sometimes make me weak at the knees. And your hair...» I continued, running my fingers through it. «I've always liked long-haired blokes. And you have a sexy bum.»

«My... bum?!» He squawked.

«Mhm! It's.. perky.» I bit my lip innocently at him and he chuckled a little, shaking his head exasperatedly at me. «Oh, and your hands...» I took his hand in mine, caressing it, playing with his fingers. «I love your hands and sexy arms. Strong, manly, beautiful hands. And so very sexy. You fix things with them, get them all dirty, build things. But still you can touch me in the most... delicate way. I love having your hands on me.»

«Like.. this?» James said, running his fingertips gently down the side of my neck, over my collarbone and my chest. I hummed in appreciation and closed my eyes.

«Exactly like that...» I sighed happily. «I'm so completely and totally head over heels for you, James,» I breathed, feeling myself blush a little at this confession. It wasn't like I hadn't told him that before, how crazy I was about him. We needed to say things like these to each other all over again because we were still mending things, rebuilding trust and finding back to each other. And over the past week I found myself falling in love with him all over again.

«The feeling is mutual..» He said quietly and I shivered as he kissed me. His lips trailed across my cheek to my neck and I invited him by raising my chin for him.

«James?» I said softly.

«Mm?» He hummed against my neck.

«Can we go upstairs and have hot, passionate, sweaty, mindblowing sex now?» I asked impatiently but in my most innocent voice. James froze mid-kiss, then he looked up at me.

«Oh, so no pressure then?» He exclaimed, but he was trying to hide a smile.

«If it helps take the pressure off we can just go upstairs so I can show you my new underwear..?» I said with a mischievous little smirk.

«New underwear?» James said, raising an eyebrow.

«Mm, got bored, so I went shopping.» I saw the childish excitement in his eyes. Then he tried to compose himself.

«I guess I could.. take a look» he said nonchalantly and shrugged in an off-hand sort of way. I nibbled teasingly at his bottom lip, got out of the sofa pulling him after me and dragged him upstairs. He followed quite willingly. We barely made it to the bedroom before James started tugging feverishly at my clothes.

«Nu-uh,» I said forbiddingly, taking hold of his wrists to stop him and pushed his arms away from me. With his arms still in a firm grip I leaned towards him, hovering over his mouth. «I decide when you get to see anything...»

«Oh no,» he said firmly and wrenched his wrists easily out of my grasp. James was taller than me, and a lot stronger. If he really wanted to free himself there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop him. His free hands went to the hem of my shirt and he slowly began pulling it upwards. «You asked me up here to see your underwear,» he hissed slightly menacing voice. «So that is what I'm going to do.» I swallowed hard and nodded weakly, obediently raising my arms in the air so he could pull the shirt off. His eyes immediately fell to my new bra. It was mostly made out of a very sheer fabric in a dark petrol blue. The cups were decorated with embroidered lace flowers in purples and yellows, almost looking like a flowery pattern from one of James' shirts. The flowers were cute and pretty, but the sheerness of the fabric made it sexy. The dark circles of my nipples were visible through it. As James studied my bra I studied his face, giggling a little at him. He reminded me of an excited, little boy unwrapping a present. He licked his lips before he spoke.

«I love that colour,» he told my breasts.

«I'm up here, love,» I chuckled. His eyes shot upwards and he blushed a little. I folded my hands behind my back and swung my shoulders from side to side a little in a coy little jiggle. «So you like it?» I asked innocently, biting my lip. James just hummed appreciatively, words apparently beyond him, and he ran a fingertip lightly over my nipple. The fabric covering it made his touch feel different, rougher somehow, but I liked it and my nipple hardened under his touch.

«I have to see the rest of it,» he said huskily, grabbed my arm and walked backwards towards his bed, eyes still fixed on me. As his legs made contact with the bed he sat down and pulled me close. Lovingly he ran his palms over my thighs, hips and bum, smiling. With quiet determination he undid the button on my jeans and slowly pulled down the zipper while I caressed the back of his neck. To my surprise he didn't yank the jeans down, but only opened them a little, getting his first peek at the other half of my new underwear. I knew he was pacing himself, not wanting to rush. Focused and excited he studied every single detail of me, and of my new underwear. The attention made me feel flattered, wanted, but it also made me a little shy. The panties were made in the same blueish green, sheer material and the top half of it was decorated in the same floral embroidery. Slowly, almost reverentially he pulled my jeans down, holding his breath. When they hit the floor I stepped out of them and kicked them aside, supporting myself on his shoulders. James swallowed hard, trying to find his voice. «Turn around...» He commanded. I did as he said and took a few steps back, then twirled around on the spot a few times, feeling a little self-conscious. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wished I had downed a few tequilas. James had seen me naked more times than I could count, and seen me in my underwear even more. And I had never felt uncomfortable around him, we were very safe with each other. But I wasn't used to this, to trying to put on a show, to consciously and deliberately be «sexy». Looking over at James I could see that his mouth was half-open as he stared me up and down. Having finished my pirouettes I returned to James, feeling safer in his arms. He looked up at me about to say something, but his voice failed him. He cleared his throat and tried agian.

«You look...» He hesitated, searching for the right words.

«Yes?» I urged him, biting my lip again. James had told me many times that he thought I was beautiful, but my self-consciousness and insecurities had been with me since before I hit my teens and they were deeply rooted in me.

«Like a perfect, little pixie,» James said with a playful little smirk.

«Pixie?» I snorted, burying my fingers in his hair.

«Mhm. You're a gorgeous, sumptuous, amazingly sexy, perfect little pixie. With an absolutely perfect pixie arse,» he added, slipping his palms up the back of my thighs and taking my bum in a firm grasp. With my hands knotted around the back of his neck I threw my head back and laughed.

«Perfect pixie arse,» I repeated, tasting the words. «Now there's a sentence I didn't expect to hear from James May.» James pulled me down into his lap, making me straddle him.

«I mean it, though,» he said seriously.

«About the perfect pixie arse?» I chortled, liking the phrase.

«About everything. To me you are absolutley stunning, Emily. And not because you have put on pretty underwear or because parts of you looks this way or that way. I think you are stunning because you are you. And I'm totally mad for you.»

«Thank you,» I breathed, blushing furiously. I gave him a quick kiss, then began unbuttoning his shirt. «I think it's your turn to take your clothes off, now.»

«But I don't have any sexy underwear on...» James said apologetically.

«I should hope not!» I exclaimed. «I swear, James, if you ever put on lace panties I will take photos of it and sell them to the Sun. The only underwear that can look sexy on men is normal boxers,» I said firmly.

«Lucky for me I have boxers on, then,» he said with a smile just as I slid his shirt off his arms. I returned the smile and pulled his t-shirt off, throwing it to the side. Then I got up and bent down low over James, kissing him deeply as I opened his belt and undid his jeans. He hummed against my lips and leaned back a little, giving me better access to his jeans. When I had opened them I quickly slipped my hand inside his jeans and rubbed my palm against his cock through his boxers, wanting to coax him into life. I was surprised to feel that he was already hard. Had just the sight of me in my new underwear been enough to do that? He gave a moan and squirmed a little while he kept kissing me, pulling his jeans down and kicking them off. Then he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into bed. I shivered as I felt his warm, soft skin make contact with my own. His hand ran slowly down the length of my back, over my bum and my thigh, draping my leg over his hip, wanting to be closer. We were kissing all the while, tender and slow. I wasn't in a rush for sex, I was quite happy to just kiss and be kissed, to touch and be touched in return. When James broke the kiss he looked at me for a long while, his hand absentmindedly caressing my bum and hip. «I wanted to ask you something.» He looked almost embarrased when he began talking.

«What?» I asked mildly, running my hand over his chest and stomach.

«Do you have any.. fantasies?»

«Fantasies?» I repeated. «Like, sexual ones?»

«Yeah. I mean, I just... Want to know what you fantasize about. Maybe I'd even be able to fulfill some of them... I would like that, to be able to fulfill your fantasies, give you what you want.»

«You do give me what I want.»

«You know what I mean,» James pushed on.

«Hmm...» I said with a secretive little smirk, thinking while I still caressed his chest and stomach. What were my fantasies? What turned me on? «To be blindfolded. I imagine being deprived of one of my senses changes everything, heightens the other senses. I'd like to just be blindfolded and taken control over. Maybe even tied up, constricted in some way. Nothing mean or.. painful or anything, just.. Forceful.»

«That would be interesting...» James agreed. Then he fell silent again, wanting me to go on if I had any other fantasies I wanted to share. His hands travelled over my body, running his fingertips lightly down my back or his palm over my stomach.

«I'd like to be taken hard and fast on your kitchen counter but we've already done that one,» I continued and we both chuckled a little. «And I've thought about surprising you, waiting for you one day you get home wearing your leather bike jacket and nothing else, for instance...»

«Oh god, please do that...» He moaned.

«And I've thought about buying this chocolate paint, thought that might be a fun thing to mess around with.»

«Chocolate paint?» James eyes widened.

«Mhm. It's... body paint, liquid chocolate. Comes with a brush. Paint it on, kiss it off. Or lick it off, or suck it off...» My fingers ran playfully over his nipple as I explained.

«I love chocolate...» James said huskily, enjoying his own mental images.

«What about you, then?» I said, pinching his nipple lightly to bring him back to earth.

«Hm?»

«What about your fantasies?»

«Oh... Well, I like the blindfold idea, I wouldn't mind that. Or being tied up. I think. I guess I'm a bit of a control freak, in all aspects of my life. It would be interesting to just.. be forced to give it up sometime.»

«I can do that...» I said in a breathy voice. I ran a hand down his chest and stomach, then slipped it into his boxers, playing with his pubic hair but not touching him.

«As cheap as it sounds, I've always wanted to shag you in my Ferrari,» he continued. «Or on it. The last time we were in that car it was early January and a bit cold... But the thought was constantly on my mind.» It was my turn to keep quiet, wanting him to continue. While I waited I kept playing with his pubic hair, running my fingers over the skin around his cock but still not touching it. I could tell it was distracting him, frustrating him.

«And I've thought about getting one of those little... toys, those little vibrating ones? I'd want to try it on you, play with it, figure out what you liked...» I was more and more turned on as James talked, feeling myself becoming wet. The thought of James using a toy on me was a turn-on I hadn't even been aware of having. Aroused by my own fantasies, and by James', I was unable to stop myself from touching James' cock, wrapping my fingers gently around it. He gave a low groan of delight. I moved in closer and trailed my mouth over his neck and collarbone, tasting his skin. My hand had been pumping him slowly, and now he pushed himself impatiently against my hand, wanting more friction.

«I want you.. so... much...» I murmured between kisses. Suddenly I felt myself being pushed onto my back. Forcefully James parted my legs a little and sat on his knees between them. He ran his hand down my chest, between my breasts and down my stomach.

«That is very sexy...» he said, running his fingertip over the fabric covering my pussy. «The way I can see you through the fabric. But not enough of you...» He rubbed his finger against my clit, feeling the wetness and heat that was seeping through the fabric.

«Take them off, then...» I breathed, squirming against his hand. The sheer fabric dulled the feeling of his finger against my clit and I wanted more. Not being hard to ask, James immediately pulled my knickers off, then took off his own boxers. He came to rest on top of me, his warm, throbbing cock pressed between us, pinned against my pussy. I shivered as his skin made contact with mine again. Knowing how much he loved it I ran my palms firmly down the length of his back and took his bum in a firm grip, grinding up against him, teasing him. He huffed and moaned before taking my lips in a wet and needy kiss. James started to rock his hips, meeting my movements and rubbing up against me. His hard, warm cock was rubbing perfectly against my clit and the sensation made me moan into his mouth. We were just teasing each other now, working each other into a frenzy of lust and arousal, building up our anticipation. I lost myself in the feeling of being naked with him, of having his naked body press down on mine. The movements of our hips had become faster and faster, and my hands were digging ever harder into James' bum, desperate for more friction. But it wasn't enough, at this point all I wanted was to have him inside me. James reached the same conclusion and slowed down to guide himself inside me. Feeling him slide inside me made me groan with relief. I wrapped one leg around his hip, using my leg on his bum to press him against me, inside me. He moved slowly, pushing all the way into me and then resting there for a moment. We rarely took our time to do this, to take it slow and really feel how amazing it was to be connected like this. Most times we were just too impatient, too turned on, too intent on pushing each other to orgasm. I liked those intense, frantic fucks, they were all-consuming and made everything feel like it was on fire. But this felt more like intimacy, not just on a physical level but an emotional one as well. Closeness, in every sense of the word. James moved his hips back, sliding out of me, and I immediately missed the feeling of him filling me up. We stared into each others eyes as his face hovered over mine, our noses almost touching.

«God, I love how this feels...» He said with a moan as he pushed slowly into me again.

«Me too,» I whinced. «I love feeling you inside me.» James pushed a little harder into me as he kissed me hungrily, sucking on my bottom lip. I encouraged him by raising my hips up to meet his thrusts. Breaking our kiss I brushed James' hair out of the way and buried my face against James' neck, kissing and licking the skin below his ear. Knowing he liked it I took his earlobe in my mouth and sucked on it, then bit it gently, breathing heavily. James moaned in response and thrust harder into me. Then he slipped his arms under me, taking hold of me and I felt myself being flipped over and suddenly found myself on top. I looked down at him a little surprised, panting. «Hello.»

«Hello,» he smiled, his hands resting on my hips. I cupped his face in my hand, caressing his cheek. His hands gripped my hips a little tighter, willing me to start moving. Not being hard to ask I began rocking my hips slowly. The change in angle caused for a slightly different feeling, but it felt just as good as before. I sank down on him and stayed there, just grinding my hips against him and he groaned, wrapping his arms around my waist. «God, you're good at that!» He huffed, raising his hips up to meet me. Tired of leaning on one arm I rested against him and slipped an arm under his neck, holding him tight. I kept moving my hips in an steady, slow pace, enjoying this chance to take our time and feel how the pleasure was gradually building up. Every cell in me screamed at me to move faster, wanting me to chase the climax, but I refused to cave in to it. James arms was still wrapped around my waist, and I could tell that he too was trying to pace himself and hold back. We huffed and moaned in each others ears, the noises we made egging us on just as much as everything else. Being able to make James groan and moan was a nice ego-boost, but it was also a turn-on, I just wanted to give him more, make him be louder. I felt how James sometimes sucked or licked my skin, breathing heavy against it. Unable to stop myself I increased the speed of my movements. James was equally impatient and began raising his hips sharply up to meet my thrusts. The change in pace increased the pleasure enough to drive anything but my will to have an orgasm out of my mind. Then I heard James' loud moans, making me more focused on his climax than my own. I raised myself up on my arms, supporting myself with my hands on James' chest. The change in position meant that I could thrust down on James with more force and this resulted in even more noises from James. With every hard thrust my clit was rubbed delightfully against him. Looking down at him I could see that James' eyes was shut tight in pleasure and his mouth was slightly open, his hair a sweaty, bushy mess and his face was flushed. «Oh go-- Emily, faster, please!» He begged and gritted his teeth. Wanting nothing more than to give him what he wanted I moved my hips faster, closing my own eyes to focus more on what I was doing. James' hands were digging into my bum, pushing me against himself, controlling the pace. To my surprise I suddenly realised that I was close to coming, and that I was completely unable to stop it. Just as the sex had been slower and lasted longer than usual, my orgasm mirrored that. It rose inside me like I was feeling it in slow motion. I was far more used to it peaking almost instantly and be over just as quickly, but this orgasm was different. When it finally peaked I shook and trembled as I gave a long moan. This wasn't so intense and powerful, often it felt almost painful and thought I would explode. But this, this was a perfect state of orgasmic bliss that just seemed to last a lifetime. Why couldn't all orgasms be like this? I had tried to keep moving against James as I shook and trembled through my orgasm. With one last, sharp thrust James came too, and I swore I could feel him come inside me. I kept riding him, milking his orgasm as best I could. Eventually I slowed down and came to a stop, James still inside me. His hands trailed slowly over my back and his lips lazily kissed the side of my neck. «That sounded like a long one...» he said quietly in my ear, his voice was low and sexy.

«I'm not sure it's over yet...» I mumbled weakly against his skin and he chortled. «Seems like slow has its advantages,» I added, lifting my head to look at him.

«And I'm the Captain,» James smirked and we both broke out laughing. Still giggling I sank down next to James, resting my head on his shoulder.

«Listen, I hope what I said earlier didn't make you feel any pressure, I didn't mean it like that.» I ran my hand up and down James' arm as I spoke. «I only said it because sex with you always feels that way, it's always been amazing.» James turned his head sideways and his lip found mine.

«Mno, no pressure,» he said, smiling against my lips, then he pulled back to look at me. «I used to feel pressure, maybe because I was insecure about myself or whatever relationship I was in. Or maybe because who I was with, we weren't sexually... right for each other. With you, I never felt that pressure. I... I don't have to think when I'm with you, I don't over-analyze things. I can let go, do whatever comes naturally, enjoy what is going on, just.. feel, and be. We're right for each other.»

«We are,» I agreed, taking his lips in a long, deep kiss.  

Chapter 27

James and I had passed out as soon as we crawled into bed, tired from beer and moving and all the emotions from the past few days. We were brutally torn out of our sleep by James' blaring alarm. He fumbled blindly for his phone on the nightstand and squinted at it, trying to get the damn thing to shut up.
«I would say good morning, but thats already ruined,» I muttered and kissed his shoulder.
«WHY do I drink on a work night? I'm a grown man, I should know this by now!» He moaned, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing his face tiredly.
«If it's any consolation you won't be the only one a bit under the weather today,» I pointed out. James rolled over, buried his face against my neck and pulled the duvet over the heads of both of us.
«There. Better.» His voice was muffled against my skin but the heard the sulky tone in his voice.
«Aaw, poor baby,» I said teasingly, but kissed his forehead and hugged him tight anyway. «Listen, how about this; you go take a shower, and while you do that I go make you some breakfast?»
«No, no, you don't have to do that,» he said, pulling the duvet down so we could get some air. «You shouldn't have to get up, you don't have work today.»
«I don't have any work, James. Period. The upside of that is that I can go back to bed when you've gone,» I smirked, gave him a quick kiss and crawled out of bed before he could stop me. My clothes were still mostly in bags and suitcases, so I opened James' closet and fished out one of his t-shirts that I slipped on. As I went downstairs I heard him getting out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom, then the shower running. The newspaper was on the floor and I picked it up then opened the front door, knowing another one who might be wanting breakfast. Fusker bounded in with a little meow and wound himself around my bare legs in an effort to sweet talk me into handing out the kibbles.

When James entered the kitchen he found me nibbling on a piece of toast and reading the paper. He sat down, bringing with him that smell of clean man, and dug into his breakfast. For a while no sounds filled the kitchen except the munching of toast and the crunching of kibbles. I folded the newspaper and threw it over to James with a sigh.
«You must be the worlds' fastest reader,» he pointed out dryly, picking up the paper.
«Or just not very interested in the news,» I retorted, buttering another toast. «It's just so... depressing! All violence and murder, the crash of our economy and the downfall of our Earth, you could have panic attacks from far less! As an informed and conscientious inhabitant of this planet I should pay attention to the news, I know, but... I want a newspaper filled with nothing but tear-jerking stories about cute animals!» At this James gave a loud snort of laughter.
«Is that why you became a nurse? Because it's so simple and void of tragedies?»
«That's another point!» I said, pointing at him with my knife. «I have more than enough with all the tragedies going on in a typical hospital ward, I don't have the need to be aware of all the tragedies going on in the rest of the world! My patients are right there, they're close and very, very real. Those tragedies I can try to do something about. Help in some way, avoid or alleviate it. But what goes on in the rest of the world... It's too much, too far away, too intangiable,» I waved.
«You care too much, Emily,» James said simply. I didn't argue, because he was right and I knew it. It was also the thing I suspected made me a good nurse, I genuinely cared about people. When you lose sight of the fact that it's people you are dealing with, every day and with every patient, it's time to get a new job.
«I know, I know,» I sighed. Having finished breakfast I got up and started tidying up. «I thought I'd use the rest of the day to surf around for jobs, see if there's anything interesting, preferably somewhere not too far away.» James just hummed to signal he'd heard, seemingly immersed in a newspaper article. I went back and forth between the table, the counter and the fridge, clearing up. Just as I placed my plate and my glass on the kitchen counter I felt hands come to rest at my sides, then lips brushing lightly against my skin. James hummed as he kissed the side of my neck, and I felt his chest press against my back. Smiling I closed my eyes and tilted my head to the side, encouraging him to kiss me more. His hands slipped under the t-shirt and he closed his arms around me, running both palms slowly over my stomach, caressing me as he kept kissing. With a sigh I leaned back against him, enjoying the sensation of being enveloped completely by James, melting into him. The side of my neck had always been a sensitive area, and James' kisses made my heart pound in my ears and the blood rush in my veins. He was fully aware of what he was doing to me. Still caressing my stomach his lips travelled across the back of my neck to the other side. I was so caught up in his lips and his tongue against my neck that I barely noticed his hands moving until they cupped my breasts under the shirt. While he kneaded them gently he rubbed his thumbs over my hardening nipples. I brought my hand back to caress the side of James' neck and I tangled my fingers into his hair. His mouth found its way up to my earlobe which he sucked, then bit gently, tugging at it a little. I erupted into goosebumps and my nipples instantly became rock hard under his thumbs. James gave a satisfied hum against my neck as he felt it. My breath had become faster, more shallow and I was squirming against him. His kisses became quicker and more needy as he felt me respond to him. He let go of my breasts, but only to wrap one arm around my waist so he could hold me closer, press my body against his own. At the same time the other hand slid down my stomach and inside my panties. I went weak at the knees when his fingertip brushed lightly but purposefully over a clit that was already hard and wet. He was breathing heavily in my ear, sucking on my earlobe again. Instinctively I stuck my bum out, pressing myself against him and I could feel how hard and warm he was through his jeans. He gave a low, throaty moan as he felt me rub up against him, and he increased the pressure on my clit a little. I had to let go of his hair and grab the edge of the kitchen counter with both hands to steady myself.
«Aren't you supposed to be on your way to work by now?» I panted. I was only teasing him, at this point I wouldn't have let him go even if he tried.
«I can't go anywhere like this. I'll get into a horrible accident and be found dead with a massive erection. Most undignified,» he muttered. I was about to laugh but it turned into a moan as his fingers kept rubbing my clit. «I need you, Emily. Right here,» he breathed and at the same moment I felt my panties being tugged down over my hips and falling to the floor. He grabbed my hips and spun me around to face him. For a moment we looked at each other, panting and eyes black with lust. Then I realised that I could kiss him now, and I cupped his head in my hand and kissed him furiously. He eagerly returned the kisses, his tongue playing with mine. Strong, big hands grabbed a firm hold of my bum. He hoisted me easily onto the counter and I had a quick flashback to our first night together in this house. Refusing to break the kiss his hands let go of me and he fumbled with his belt and jeans, franticly trying to undo them. I tried to help but only got in the way. We were to focused to even laugh at the situation, this wasn't funny, we were both just desperate. Instead I decided to pull his shirt out of his jeans, desperate to touch his skin. Finally he had managed to undo his jeans and pulled them and his boxers down just enough to free himself. With one arm wrapped around me he pulled me a little closer to the edge of the kitchen counter. In one thrust he pushed himself into me, as if he was on fire and couldn't get relief quickly enough. I moaned into his mouth in surprise, and vaguely I wondered if he'd measured the height of his kitchen with this in mind, because the height was perfect. Then everything was chased away by his lips, his hands, his cock, the pleasure that was gradually building. In a flash the t-shirt was pulled over my head and discarded on the floor. I resumed kissing him desperately and slid my arms around him, digging my fingertips into his bum. His hands were on my thighs, gripping me firmly so he could push harder into me and he huffed and moaned.
«Oh, fuck..» I gasped, not quite being able to keep up with everything I was feeling. This was completely new to me, this desperate urgency that made me feel like I needed to be fucked, right now, on a kitchen counter, or I would explode. I had never felt so aroused, so completely in the moment. Everything was just an intense, fiery blur. Absolutely nothing existed except the two of us and our urge to quench our desire and get our release. The counter was hard and uncomfortable, I was buck naked on it and the position was awkward but none of it mattered, everything was just reduced to a simple need to fuck, hard and fast. James brought my legs a little higher, trying to push himself deeper into me. I had to let go of him and grab the edge of the kitchen counter to steady myself and be able to meet his thrusts even harder. My eyes was closed and all I could feel was James hands gripping my hips and how he was pounding into me. His hands let go of my hips and he leaned a little forward, supporting himself on his arms on the counter. He licked and sucked at the skin on my neck, then he even bit me and I didn't care, it felt good and exciting. I kissed every part of him I could reach, the side of his face and his neck.
«I'm... close,» he breathed, barely managing that.
«Me too!» I winced and tried meeting his thrusts even more. «Oh fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck...!» I moaned, my voice increasing in pitch as I was finally pushed over the edge and the orgasm rose to its crescendo in me. I trembled and shook so badly I was sure I was going to completely lose control over my body and fall off the counter, and I would have if James body hadn't prevented me. After a few more frantic thrusts James came too, biting my shoulder and groaning as he did. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight as our orgasms slowly receded. When I finally came to my wits I noticed how we were both panting like we'd run a mile.
«Bloody Norah...» he muttered weakly against my shoulder and we both laughed a little.
«That was... a new experience,» I admitted. James straightened up to look at me.
«Yeah?»
«Yeah. But I liked it,» I smiled and gave him a kiss.
«I did, too,» he said, suddenly looking a little shy. Which was ridiculous, considering he'd just taken me hard and fast on his kitchen counter. The frenzy and the intensity in him was gone and he'd morphed back into his gentle, slightly awkward self.
«Really? I was sure you'd measured your kitchen for this exact purpose in mind,» I smirked and squeezed his hips with my thighs. He laughed loudly and shook his head.
«Honestly, I didn't. Fortunate coincidence,» he said with a crooked little smile.
«I am very glad you don't have wooden counter-tops, or my arse would've looked like a bloody porcupine!» I pointed out and James laughed again.
«God, I love you,» he said with a happy sigh.
«Why?» I asked in a challenging tone.
«Because you make me laugh,» his answer was instant. «And because you look so amazing naked on my kitchen counter.» He wrangled himself free from the grip my thighs had on him and he quickly pulled on his boxers and jeans. Then he picked up the discarded t-shirt and helped me get it back on. I couldn't help myself from staring lovingly at him, grinning like a cheshire cat. He returned the loving look and leaned in, cupping my face in his hand. «I am running so.. very.. late...» he mumbled as he slowly leaned in. The kiss he gave me was long and deep.
«This isn't helping you get to work quicker,» I pointed out quietly. I ran my fingers through his hair in an effort to tidy it up a little and straightened his shirt. He sighed heavily.
«All right, I have to go. Have a good day, yeah?»
«Okay. You too. Say hi to the others from me,» I smiled. He nodded and gave me a quick kiss, then let go of me and headed for the hallway. I jumped off the kitchen counter and retrieved my panties, making a mental note to clean the counter quite thoroughly later. Just as I heard James open the front door I shouted at him.
«James, wait!» He stopped in his tracks and I ran to him.
«What?» He said, looking a little disturbed.
«I just.. I love you, okay?» I said and reached up to cup his face in my hands, pulling his face down to mine for a kiss. He smiled widely, shut the front door and dropped his bag in one movement. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and gave me a long and passionate kiss that just wouldn't end. I had to nearly push him away to break the kiss. «James, James. Work, remember?» I said with a mischievous little smirk. He rolled his eyes.
«You're impossible,» he sighed, picked up his bag again and disappeared out the door.

Chapter 26

(Song featured in the last part of this chapter is Needtobreathe - A place only you can go)

«Who are you dressing up for, the hamster or the orangutan?» James eyed me from top to bottom as I entered the kitchen.

«What, this? This isn't dressing up, this is just 'not looking like a couch potato', James,» I pointed out. All I had done was put on a pair of tight, dark jeans and a slightly nicer top than usual, put on a little makeup and tried to sort out my bird's nest hair for once. He crossed the kitchen floor and placed his hands on my sides, pulling me in.

«You're beautiful,» he said in hushed tones and kissed me gently. I blushed furiously and averted my eyes shyly, horribly incompetent when it came to taking a compliment, as always.

«Thank you,» I stammered. «It's all for you, you know. I want to make them very jealous of you, if I can,» I said with a chuckle, mostly joking. I wasn't confident enough to dress up and prance around believing that anyone I'd attract the attentions of anyone.

A little after seven our visitors crashed through the front door bearing food and a crate of beer. Richard was his child-like, happy self, like a lumbering little jack russel terrier who couldn't quite contain his excitement for life. When he saw me he pounced on me and gave me a long hug, so long I raised my eyebrows at James over his shoulder.

«Emily, so nice to see you again!» he exclaimed as he let go of me.

«You too, dear,» I chuckled then turned to Jeremy, who put me more in mind of a feckless mastiff. «Clarkson, hello! How is the hand?» I inquired, and was surprised to receive a quick hug even from Jeremy.

«It's fine, actually. Thanks to you I suspect.» He held up a huge palm where a few, bright pink scars were still visible. We settled around the dining table with our food and beers, the banter already flowing easily as we worked our way through mounds of Chinese food. They talked about the shoot they had in the morning, or cars in general, or congestion charge, sometimes it really was like looking at the news on Top Gear. I found myself staying in the background for most of the time and talking less than usual. It wasn't shyness or intimidation, I had spent time with all three of them before and had never felt particularly shy around them. But for some reason I felt a need to test the waters a little and sense the mood. I wasn't just the friend anymore, I was the girlfriend, and all of them knew. Didn't they? I also kept my distance from James, sitting next to him but not touching him or coddling him. This was actually the first time James and I was social with people who knew that we were a couple, and I didn't know how he felt about public affection but I suspected he didn't like it. He had kissed me in the middle of the street, but that was around total strangers and somehow felt different. This was his mates, and they were liable to take the piss if we were too lovey-dovey. When we finished our food we migrated to the living room, getting more comfortable in sofas and chairs. I offered to do a beer-run to the kitchen, and on my way back I turned on the stereo which had James' iPod connected to it before handing everyone beers. It still had a playlist on it which I had made when had been on our road trip, it had a mix of happy and varied music and I just left it on shuffle. The boys didn't even notice, they were to busy arguing amicably. I sank down on the sofa next to James, but not anywhere as close as I would have liked. James and Richard got into a intense conversation about something mechanical, Richard was unable to fix his bike and James thought he knew what he was doing wrong. But Richard was his stubborn, angry self and wouldn't agree. Jeremy got bored with it and disappeared outside for a smoke.

«Hey guys, why don't you two bugger off into the garage and sort this discussion out before we all die of drudgery?» I suggested. They looked at each other like two children who had been dismissed from the dinner table to go play.

«You sure?» James said. I flapped my hands dismissively at him.

«Yeah yeah, go on.»

«Okay, won't be long,» he said and patted my leg jovially. They went into the kitchen for more beers and then disappeared out into the garage. Jeremy was surprised to see the living room nearly empty when he returned from his cigarette.

«Oi, where did those two go?»

«I sent them out into the garage to continue their riveting discussion on the particulars of a Moto Guzzi engine, before it killed me,» I mumbled and had a swig of my beer.

«Oh thank god!» He exclaimed as he sank back down into the comfy armchair and picked up his beer again. A silence followed and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, feeling a little on edge. I always felt a little nervous around Jeremy, he was loud and brash and I never quite knew where I had him. Even more so now that we were suddenly on our own, with any of the other two around I felt he was more liable to keep a modicum of politeness. He broke the silence first and cleared his throat. «So, you and James...» he said slowly, obviously weighing his words. He shot me one of his sly, mysterious looks and said «I mean, how..?» I cut him off.

«Oh here we go, Jeremy,» I groaned exasperatedly and rolled my eyes.

«What?» Jeremy leaned back in his chair, gaping at me with his eyebrows raised in surprise.

«You're dying to ask, aren't you? What am I doing with that old, floppy-haired spaniel? Am I blind? Do I have some sort of grandfather complex? Am I just out for his money?» Jeremy waved his hands to make me stop ranting.

«No no no, that wasn't what I...» he began and I was surprised to see that he even looked a little hurt. «I wasn't going to say anything like that. I just... Wondered what is the deal with you two,» he finished, uncharacteristically mildly and even a little awkward.

«But didn't James tell you guys...?»

«We didn't have much time to talk back in Cardiff, we were busy filming all day and he left as soon as he could because he had plans. With you, I'm guessing?» He raised his eyebrows at me over the top of his beer.

«So basically, what you're saying is you want the girly gossip?» I smirked at Jeremy and he squirmed a little uncomfortably in his chair.

«Noooooooooo,» he droned, flinching. «I just want to know what the hell is going on!»
«Okay,» I sighed, giving in. «James and I we... got together on New Year's Eve. You know, became a couple. I missed him a lot, and even told him that I did. So he did this daft, romantic thing and just showed up in Norway without me knowing about it, I thought he was with you guys at Hammond's. We... kept it to ourselves, we just wanted some time and not have it blow up in everyone's face in the tabloids.» Jeremy grunted his understanding of this.

«All right, this explains many, many things!» Jeremy said with a smile, then turned serious again. «But then what happened? Something happened, right?»

«James... got scared, I don't know any other way to put it. He talked about our age difference, how we never would've worked and he wanted to end it. I guess he thought it was inevitable that I was going to leave him some day anyway because of the age thing. I threw a massive, hysterical tantrum and stormed out on him.» As I spoke Jeremy's long face fell and became even longer than it usually was, he leaned forward and rested his face in his hands.

«Oh god, Emily...» He said and rubbed his face tiredly. «I... that might be all my fault.» He admitted guiltily.

«What? How?» I frowned, taken aback by this sudden confession from him.

«By being an arse,» he sighed. «James mentioned your name more and more often, writing texts to you or... He seemed happy and... I had to poke fun at him for it, for talking about you and spending so much time with you, I suspected he might have a thing for you. I said a girl like you would never go for a fat, old spaniel like him. And told him that if you did go for him it wouldn't be long before you realised what an old stiff he was and would move on to greener pastures... Stupid things like that.»

«Oh come off it, Jeremy,» I scoffed. «James is a grown man, perfectly capable of making his own decisions. You've known each other for ages, and he's lived with you taking the mickey for just as long, he ought to be bloody used to it by now and be able to withstand your mockery.»

«Yeah, but... I think I might've hit too close to home with those.» He looked at me apologetically. In stark contrast to the man I knew from telly and from the few times I had met him before I was amazed at how conscientious and mild-mannered this Jeremy was. He felt responsible for what had happened between James and me, and he felt guilty.

«In any case, you had no way of knowing that we were already seeing each other,» I pointed out mildly. «If you had known about that, you probably wouldn't have cracked those particular jokes either?»

«Um, no... Maybe I would have, god knows, I'm an idiot sometimes,» he said unhappily.

«If you did have any sort of blame in this, Jeremy, it's just that you happened to point out something he was already worrying about. My guess is that what happened probably would have anyway, at some point, when his insecurities got the better of him.»

«I'm sorry, anyway...» Jeremy muttered, and I couldn't help but wonder how such a tall man could look so small. A long silence fell in which Jeremy seemed to be lost in thought.

«So...» he began, raising a finger at me. «Then what happened? How did he fix it?»

«God, Jezza! I never would've thought you'd be such a ...you are such a girl, Jeremy!» I squealed and he gave me a yellow-toothed grin and a chuckle.

«Give me the gossip, I love drama, come on, spill!» He gesticulated wildly.

«What happened was Hammond came by, actually.»
«What, to your place?» He leaned forward confidentially now, eyebrows raised in surprise, obviously interested.

«Yeah, he was worried since James was being such a...»

«Insufferable twat,» Jeremy proffered willingly.

«Yeah. Richard didn't know anything about us either, he just thought I was James' friend and maybe I could help. I don't know why, but I told him what was going on. By then I had decided to leave London. I quit my job, gave up my flat, I was packing things into boxes...»

«What, it got that bad?» he asked in hushed, almost horrified tones. Jeremy looked sympathetic and a little shocked, and I couldn't quite realize I was having this conversation with him.

«I hadn't heard a single word out of James for over five weeks, apart from a few phone calls in the middle of the night which I never picked up. I thought we were really, really over, and I wanted to get as far away from him and everything that reminded me about him as possible. Long story short, Richard told James that I was leaving and... a few other things,» I coughed discreetly.

«.. gave him a kick up the arse, you mean,» Jeremy grinned that sly smirk of his.

«Pretty much,» I confirmed with a nod. «I didn't mean to put Richard in the middle, it just...»

«Oh, knowing him he put himself in the middle, he loves those sort of things,» Jeremy flapped his hands about. We laughed a little, but then I turned serious.

«Listen, Jeremy.. I'm sorry for jumping down your throat earlier,» I said with an apologetic shrug, feeling ashamed at having been rather rude at him. He was obviously capable of being quite sweet when I wanted to, and I had been unfair toward him.

«Offense is the best defense,» he said knowingly.

«No, it's just.. You're loud and sarcastic and...I'm never quite sure about you, whether you're just teasing or just don't like me. Honestly you're a bit scary sometimes.»

«Oh...» he said, looking a stumped at my honesty. When he continued his voice was kind and mild. «I'm just teasing, Emily. If I didn't like you, you would have known about it, trust me.»

«Good. Thank you.. I think,» I said a little uncertainly and had a swig of my beer.

«Frankly I'm surprised you two didn't happen sooner,» he giggled, showing a little of the old Jeremy again. «You two have been drooling after each other forever!» he waved.

«Was it that obvious?» I frowned.

«Maybe not for everyone, but... like you said, I've known James a long time, and seen him fumble around with women as if they were another species altogether  But with you, I don't know, he just seemed very at ease around you, right from the beginning. And James is never at ease with anything apart from his tools and trainsets and his piano. I'm glad you sorted things out.»
«So am I,» I sighed and drained the remains of my beer.

«I'm going for another cigarette,» Jeremy announced and got up.

«Oh, can I bum one?» I asked. He raised one eyebrow at me and smirked cheekily.

«Yeah yeah, come on,» he waved and disappeared. If followed him out into the back garden and we both lit up. After a long silence he shot me an evil grin. «But seriously, though. What are you doing with that floppy-haired old spaniel?»

«Jeremy!» I shouted at him and slapped his forearm, pretending to be affronted and he laughed that hoarse, characteristic laugh.

«I'm a dog person I guess,» I said and we chuckled, then went back to smoking. From inside I could hear James and Richard's footsteps and loud voices as they returned from the garage. As acting on a whim Jeremy flicked his cigarette away and dove under the garden table right next to the door.

«Jezza, what..?» I hissed and stared at him. He looked pleadingly up at me to play along, motioning with his finger over his mouth to keep quiet about his hideout. He was already fighting to keep quiet and not giggle. Just as I had been about to say hiss at Jeremy again the glass door opened and James and Richard spilled out onto the back porch.

«Emily! There you are! Where's Jeremy?» James asked, looking around the garden as if he expected to find him hiding in the bushes. He wasn't that far off, really. It took me a split second to decide.

«Oh I don't know and I don't care, he buggered off,» I huffed and took an angry drag of my cigarette, pretending to be livid.

«What..?» Richard squeaked, his face falling comically.

«He started asking me all these rude questions,» I continued. «I wasn't going to stand for it so I gave him an earful, obviously he couldn't handle being shouted at by a woman so he fucked off.» James and Richard exchanged horrified glances and then both looked back at me.

«But...» Richard squeaked again, trying to make sense of the situation. In the silence that followed Jeremy's hands shot out from beneath the garden table and closed around James' and Richard's ankles and he made a loud, alarming sound to scare them even more. James shouted loudly and spun around, his long hair whipping comically around as he did. He balled his hands into fists, adopted a defensive stance and seemed prepared to kick whatever had touched him. Richard gave a terrified shriek and flailed wildly as he bounded away as quickly as he could from the boogeyman. Jeremy's loud, hysterical laugh gave him away before he could crawl out from under the darkness of the garden table.

«Jeremy, you insufferable pillock of a man!» James shouted at the top of his voice, clutching his chest.

«Oh, Jeremy! You absolute bastard! Right, that's it, come here, I am actually going to kill you,» Richard roared, looking around wildly for anything that would serve as a weapon.

«You? Kill? You were running for the hills a second ago!» James pointed at Richard, deciding to mock him instead of being angry at Jeremy.

«And she! She was in on it!» Richard ignored James and turned on me instead. «How could you, Emily! I am very, very disappointed in you!» Amidst everything Jeremy was still on all fours on the decking, laughing so hysterically he was unable to get up at all, his face bright red and tears streaming from his eyes. His laugh was so contagious I broke out giggling too, and unable to get the image of James and Richards reactions out of my mind  I bent over double with laughter.

«That's it, I've had enough of those two,» Richard huffed. «I need a beer. And possibly a doctor, I might have a heart attack!» He kept muttering sourly as he disappeared inside, and James followed him just to tease him some more, humming a song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. «He bravely ran away, away...» This only increased our hysterics, Jeremy lying curled up and clutching his stomach.

«Emily, that was... brilliant acting! Such ingenuity!» He gasped in between fits of giggles.

«You do know I'll have to sleep in the dog house tonight for that, right?» I chortled, trying to calm down. Eventually Jeremy's hysterics subsided and he clambered to his long, splay-legged feet, wiping his eyes with his hands.

«Oh, that was fantastic. Made my entire evening,» he sighed, patting his stomach. «Bloody hell, that hurt.»

«Come on, lets get inside. And don't laugh, it'll only make it worse!» I said as I opened the door and headed inside. James and Richard was sitting in the living room with fresh beers, James looking mildly amused and Richard still looking a little sour.

«Changed your underwear then, Hamster?» Jeremy roared loudly and disappeared into James' kitchen, presumably for more beers. I groaned loudly and shut my eyes in exasperation.

«Oh ha-ha,» Richard spat, rolling his eyes and fiddling with the label on his beer bottle.

«Oh, Richard, I'm sorry,» I said sincerely and sat down on the armrest of his chair, patting his shoulder gently. «That was stupid of us. Jeremy just dived under the table and I didn't have the time to... I really am sorry, I didn't know what he was going to do, honestly!»

«And here I bring you more beer purely out of the kindness of my heart, and you stab me in the back? Cold-hearted woman!» Jeremy said dramatically as he reentered the living room. But he was smiling and handed me a bottled anyway.

«Hey, where is my apology?» James piped up. Feeling a little tipsy from an unknown amount of beer I moved over to the sofa next to James, much closer than I had earlier in the evening. Quickly I took his head in my hands so he couldn't turn away and gave him a deep, lingering kiss.

«I'm sorry,» I said sweetly against his mouth and bit my lip innocently as I looked at him with my best puppy-dog eyes. The surprise and intensity of the kiss had left him gobsmacked and his eyes was slightly out of focus as he looked at me. «Am I forgiven?» He cleared his throat as he snapped out of his reverie. His answer wasn't what I had expected though.

«Hmm, not quite,» he smirked, his eyes glittering. Apparently I wasn't the only one feeling the effects of the beer. «I might need a little more persuasion.» I leaned in to kiss him again, a little slower and more considered this time.

«If that is what it takes to apologize to you, forget it. I would rather skin my donkey!» Jeremy huffed and we broke apart with a giggle.

«That sounds so much like a euphemism, Jeremy, I don't even know where to begin!» I laughed. For the rest of the evening I stayed closer to James, content to just have his hand resting absentmindedly on my knee. Richard soon got over his mood and normal conversation resumed. It was a strange feeling, being with James out in the open like this, even if it was just around his best mates. It had been just James and me until now, even before we became a couple it was usually just the two of us when we spent time together. I still felt like I had to get to know James around other people, how he was around his friends, his colleagues, his family. The James I knew best was my James, the person he was when it was just the two of us alone together. Even if it felt strange, it felt good to be with people who knew about us, especially since they weren't making a fuss. We were just mates, talking and laughing, and nothing had really changed. Jeremy had surprised me more than once during our conversation, by being less judgmental and far more mild-mannered than I ever would have thought him capable of. And he had said he liked me, in his own backwards kind of way, and that was important to me. These three blokes had known each other for so long and spent to much time together both at work and in their private lives that it felt important that they liked and accepted me. I cared about James, which meant I cared about his mates and what they thought of me.

The music was still on in the background and without even being aware of it I was singing along to "Baba O'Riley" as I returned from the kitchen carrying the rest of the beers.

«James, your woman sings along to The Who! Marry this one, will you?» Jeremy begged, waving his bottle in my direction. «At least don't fuck it up again,» he added. There was a tense moment where everyone looked at James, waiting for his reaction. But he broke out into a smile.

«Marry? She just moved in, lets just take it from there, yeah?»

«Whoa whoa whoa, wait, what? Excuse me?» Richard said loudly, slurring his words a little. «She's moved in? When did that happen?» I sat next to James and he slid his arm around me, pulling me in a little closer and we looked at each other a little awkwardly, wondering who should answer.

«How could you fail to mention that in our little chat earlier?!» Jeremy roared in theatrical dramatic tones, always the loud drama queen. «I thought we bonded, Emily!»

«Chat? Bonded?» James head snapped around to me, the look on his face one of utter bewilderment.

«Yeah, Jeremy and I had quite a lovely girl-to-girl talk earlier,» I smirked and Jeremy giggled as he shook his head exasperatedly at me. This only seemed to deepen James confusion and he now looked slightly horrified as well.

«Did you know that Jeremy, the poor soul, still regrets losing his virginity to ...» I began in a secretive voice, but Richard cut me off.

«All right, enough of thaaaat, I don't want to know! Can we get on to the topic of you moving in, please!» He roared.

«Well, I was going to be out of a flat very soon, as you all know. And I had sort of changed my mind about fleeing the country, so...» My voice trailed off.

«So now she lives here for a while, as of today. If she actually likes living with me, she can stay, it's up to her,» James said. The look he gave me was filled with many things, love, openness, honesty. The other two didn't push the matter more or ask more questions. Privately I suspected they were too shocked to even know what to say. They had known James for so much longer than I had, and I had gathered that some of the things James had done while he had been with me was very unlike him. I seemed to bring out something new in him, a spontaneity and an impulsiveness that they didn't quite know what to think about. As the last beers were drunk Richard mumbled that it might be time to turn in, it was nearly midnight and they had their shoot in the morning. Jeremy and Richard stumbled out into a taxi ten minutes later, on their way to their respective London flats. Closing the door behind them I went back to the living room where James was busy fiddling with my iPod and the stereo. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and nuzzled my face against back, sensing his warmth against my face and taking in his smell.

«I'm going to tidy the kitchen before I go to bed,» I mumbled tiredly into his shirt. James put the iPod down and turned around in my arms to face me.

«No, let me do that,» he said lovingly and ran a hand across my forehead, tucking away a strand of hair behind my ear. «I wanted to play you this song... I heard it on your iPod in the car on my way from Cardiff, just by accident. And it made me think of you. And everything that's happened... There's so much I want to say to you, but I don't know... It isn't high literature, but it's... something, I guess,» he finished with an insecure shrug. «I'll go sort out the kitchen,» he finished quietly and gave me a little kiss, then he turned on the iPod and shuffled off. I vaguely recognized the start of the song, quiet and a little melancholic, but I hadn't listened to it much or paid attention to the words. I sat down on the nearest chair and listened intently.

«Pain is alive in a broken heart
The past never does go away
We were born to love
And we're born to pay
The price for our mistakes
Grace, she comes with a heavy load
Memories, they can't be erased
Like a pill I swallow, he makes me well
But leaves an awful taste
Oh, I know this song won't do
Enough to prove my love to you
In my heart you'll always know
There is a place only love can go
There is a place only you can go
Take my notions and words to heart
This is the cry of a man
I can't bring you fortune or noble life
But I'll love you all I can»

Without even realizing it tears were streaming down my face. I didn't care that it wasn't high literature, I never understood any of that poncy dribble anyway. This was honest and pure. It was about James' guilt and grief for the mistake he'd made, and the realization that no matter how much he tried he could never completely erase what had happened. It was about how he feared that even if he loved me with everything he had, it wouldn't be enough. With the song finished I wobbled into the kitchen where James was just about to close the dishwasher. Through my tears I saw his face change when he registered that I was crying. I fell into his arms and before he even had time to open his mouth to say anything I cut him off.

«Happy tears!» I bawled against his neck.

«Okay,» he whispered into my hair, then he chuckled a little and hugged me tighter, kissing the top of my head.

«It's a good song,» I said with a choked voice when my crying had died down. «But don't ever play something like that again, I'm so fucking tired of crying,» I sniffed.

«I know, I hate seeing you cry. But I just... wanted you to hear it.»

«Thank you. I love you,» I said and gave him a kiss. He hugged me closer again. As I rested my head against his chest I yawned widely, feeling exhausted from emotions, from the moving and from beer.

«Come on. Bedtime,» he whispered, took my hand and lead me upstairs to our bed.