Chapter 38

It took another week before the happy news finally came: they had found suitable parents. And it took me about five minutes to go from feeling happy about it to very suspicious. Who were they? How did they live, what did they do for work? These were of course questions that the authorities and adoption people had already asked. At least I sincerely hoped so. Since I had been so involved with this particular case I would be the one to greet the new parents, tell them the baby's story and inform them of what most likely was ahead. Babygirl wouldn't be let out of the hospital until we were sure that she could manage to drink what she needed on her own from a bottle and had reached a certain weight. When they came home they had to give her special multivitamins and fish oil every day to help strengthen her weakened immune system from having been born prematurely and not having the benefits from breastmilk. She would get follow-ups at the clinic every month for her first year, at the very least. The couple listened intently, asking questions and taking notes. After well over an hour with them I felt far more at peace. They, Ben and Jo, were a young couple from St. Albans. Ben had a steady, well-paid job in a computer company and Jo was a nurse, making me think of her as a like-minded person. They told me she was unable to have children because she'd had cancer and they'd had to surgically removed her reproductive organs. My heart went out to her, they were both only 29 and I couldn't even imagine how hard that must've been to lose that opportunity when they both wanted kids. Being able to take them to see her for the first time was an emotional moment. It warmed my heart to see the baby lie on her new mother's chest for the first time, and to see how genuinely overjoyed her new parents were to have her in their lives.

«You were right,» I muttered to James out of the corner of my mouth. It was a warm summers afternoon and we'd decided to have our dinner outside in the little back garden. The sun was setting and now hidden by the buildings surrounding us, but the air was still warm and pleasant. Both were slumped in garden chairs and I had my feet in James' lap like I always did. He was immersed in a book and I half hoped he hadn't heard.

«Right about what?» He asked, not taking his eyes off the page.

«About how they would eventually find adoptive parents for babygirl. I met them today.» At this James tore his eyes up from the book.

«Can it be noted that I am resisting the urge to say 'I told you so'?» He said smugly.

«Technically, you just said it,» I pointed out, raising a finger at him.

«Incorrect. I just stated that I am resisting the urge to say it,» he argued, pointing back at me.

«Yes yes, whatever, you're incredibly pedantic and I am a hysterical and ridiculous woman and so on,» I moaned, waving my irritably hand at him. «Gloating doesn't suit you, May,» I added sourly. James chortled, deciding to let it go.

«But that's good, isn't it? How were they? Did you like them?» James put the book down and looked at me with interest.

«Of course! It's great, in fact. And yeah, I did like them,» I admitted, showing a little of my own surprise. «They seemed like good people, bright and kind. They own a house, have a garden, have good jobs... But most importantly, they really want this, you know? They've wanted a baby for so long, and their option to have any on their own was taken away from them. And it felt amazing to be able to help them with that.»

«I can imagine it did,» James said with a warm smile, caressing my leg. «But that's good, sweetheart. It's a happy ending, right?»

«Yeah,» I nodded, fiddling a little with my own hands before adding: «they named her today, too.»

«Oh, yeah?»

«Yeah, they... Ben and Jo, I talked to them for a long while, telling them what had happened to the baby's mother and everything. They talked to the doctor who has been following up her case, I guess he told them how much I've been involved with her, because later they asked... if they could name her after me.» I looked down at my own, fiddling hands, having to swallow hard to try and chase away the lump in my throat. But I was also smiling shyly. Their wish to name her after me had made me genuinely touched. I felt proud and humbled by it, almost embarrassed. I guess it was their way of saying thank you, a recognition of how important they felt that I had been in this little girls' life.

«Really? They're naming her Emily?» James asked excitedly, sitting up a little straighter in his chair.

«Yeah, I think they are,» I said, feeling how my treacherous jaw was beginning to tremble out of control. James saw how emotional I was becoming and gave my knee a squeeze.

«Happy tears?» He asked, being able to tell the difference by now. I nodded, giving a sound somewhere between a chuckle and a sob. James aaw'ed at me, tilting his head as he looked at me, a little amused at my emotional outburst. «You know, I agree with them. I think they did the right thing, deciding to name her after you. As odd as it sounds, you deserve that much.»

«Thanks, hon,» I sniffed. «It's an odd feeling, very... humbling. But mostly I'm just relieved and happy that she has someone now, someone who can give her a good life.»

Ben and Jo practically moved into the hospital, slowly taking over the duty of changing and feeding 'baby Emily', as she now was called. Jo had made a big and bright nametag by her bed to match the ones the other babies had. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, I hadn't been aware of just how heavily the fate of this girl had weighed on my mind. It also dawned on me how preoccupied I had been, and how that had affected my relationship with James. I had been far more unattentive towards him than I had realised, and I made an effort to make it up to him. We had another attempt at a fancy dinner date, and with much better results. And I continued with my motorcycle training behind his back, which was harder to do now that he wasn't so busy as he had been during the making of Man Lab. I even realised that it was actually high summer outside and found the opportunity to enjoy it a little. James and I went for walks along the Thames, had a picnic in the park or just enjoyed the sunshine and a pint somewhere in the city. It was the first time I felt remotely relaxed and together since I started working again.

Inevitably, and 6 weeks after she was born, baby Emily was discharged, ready to go to her new home in St. Albans with her parents. No matter how much I thought I had prepared mentally for that, it still came as a bit of a shock to see her strapped in her carseat and be carried out of the ward. She had never been outside in her entire life. And considering she weighed about twice what she did when she was born, she still seemed so tiny. She had become a part of my life, at least my work life, and suddenly she just wasn't there. Ben and Jo had given me their contact info, and I had given mine in return. They wanted to keep in touch and I was glad that they wanted to.

After having seen baby Emily and her new family off I made my way home, trying to ignore that i felt anything but normal. James was out on some business dinner, discussing ideas for a second series on Toy Stories and I knew he wouldn't be home for another few hours at least. I didn't feel like cooking just for myself and made myself a lazy sandwich and found a few chocolate bars. Disinterested I flicked through channel after channel, feeling restless. I wanted James home, I wanted a distraction, someone to talk to. Giving up on the TV I grabbed the iPad and wasted a good hour playing games on it and writing a few e-mails to friends and family I had been bad at keeping up with lately. Finally I heard James at the front door. Appearing in the doorway he smiled at me, smartly dressed in light jeans, a shirt with a colorful paisley pattern on it and a grey jacket. He deposited his phone and fag-packet on the table, then leaned down to give me a kiss while supporting himself on the armrest.

«Hello,» he smiled in his typical James-ish manner.

«Welcome home, hon.» I did an honest effort at retuning the smile, then put the iPad away. James slumped down on the sofa and rested his back heavily against my chest, sighing a little. I wrapped an arm around him and he hummed as I kissed the side of his cheek. «Long day?»

«Long dinner!» He complained.

«Oh? I thought you liked these kinds of meetings? Discussing ideas, planning and organising...?»

«Yeah, I do. Up to a certain point. But then they got into the boring bits. Legal stuff, filming permissions, health and safety... I wanted to stab myself in the eye with my cocktail stick.»

«Oh well, I guess you'll have to sit through the boring bits before you can go and play with toys in front of the camera,» I said, not really giving him much sympathy. «What is it you're playing with this time?» James excitedly launched in to a long and eager rant about they toys they might cover in this series, everything from etch-a-sketches to green army men to rocket balloons. It always amazed me how wonderfully childish and passionate James could be about things like old toys, it always seemed to take him right back to his childhood. He had very romantic ideas about childhood, about learning things, about it shaping who you become as a person, about your imagination and creativity running free. I loved that side of him, loved seeing him gesticulating and babbling happily while his eyes glittered. But now that he was here, now that I had a distraction and someone to talk to, I just wanted to be alone. «You should make one on space hoppers,» I suggested less than enthusiastically. «Make a giant one. Or have a space hopper race. Space hopper road trip?» James narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing me for any sign of sarcasm or mockery.

«Thanks for the input, but.... No.»

«Or Barbies. Make a life-sized one!» I persisted. James raised a finger and opened his mouth just as I came to what I guessed was the same conclusion. «On second thought, no, someone already did that, you can buy them at the sex shop.»

«Er... exactly,» James chuckled. The iPad made a pling and I picked it up and began reading an e-mail reply from my sister. James watched me for a little, wondering if chat time was over. Then he got bored and flicked on the TV. I busied myself with the gadget for as long as I could. «So, how was your day, then?» James asked after a long silence.

«Oh, you know. Just... a day,» I said evasively, not taking my eyes off the iPad. I could feel James' stare as he waited for me to elaborate. «You know! Normal!» I persisted, a little annoyed.

«How's baby Emily?» He asked, deciding to drag the specifics out of me.

«She's good.» I said bluntly, still refusing to look up at him. Telling him that she had left the hospital today wasn't an option, I just couldn't talk about it. Inwardly I was begging for him to drop the subject.

«Good...» James said hesitantly, sensing that I wasn't in a sharing mood. Silence fell again. I was still pretending to read something on the iPad but the mention of baby Emily had been enough to rattle me. I wondered how she was doing. What her nursery looked like. If they'd get her to sleep in her own bed the first night at home. «You're being very quiet tonight?» James broke the silence again. That was it. I needed to get away.

«Yeah, I know, I'm just... I'll go have a lie down,» I said mysteriously. Putting the iPad down I got out of the sofa and left the living room without even looking at James, I couldn't. I quickly made my way upstairs, relieved to not hear James' footsteps chasing after me. I didn't turn on any lights, but crossed the room and sank down on top of the bedsheets, fully clothed. I lay staring into the darkness, fighting with myself and my emotions. I tried rationalizing, I tried arguing with myself, being strict, but nothing worked. Mostly I just felt embarrassed, even ashamed, unprofessional. All night I had trying to ignore how upset I was, and I just couldn't anymore.

A little while later I heard James' footsteps heading towards the bedroom. His silhouette temporarily darkened the doorway, blocking out the light from the corridor. He saw my shape lying on the bed and didn't turn on any light, just walked over to the bed and climbed into it, inching closer to me. Part of me wanted to shout at him, shout that I wanted to be alone, that I didn't want him there and that he should go away. In the dark I felt his arm close around me and his hand running over my hair gently. He didn't say anything, he just knew that this was what I needed, even if I didn't want it. And that was all it took to make my walls crumble. My face grew hot as my eyes burst with tears, I gave a loud sob and burrowed my face into James' chest. I clung desperately to him as my body shook with grief. «Oh, honey, it's all right....» James just held me gently, running his hand calmly over my head and down my back, over and over again. Every now and again he kissed my forehead or spoke softly to me in an effort to soothe my crying. A few times I sobbed so hard I lost my breath and had to gasp for air. «Ssssh, Emily... Breathe,» He said calmly but I could hear the concern in his voice. Even though James' calmness could infuriate me sometimes, right now I was grateful for it. Pent up emotions were threatening to tear me apart, everything was chaos and he was the perfect opposite to that, he was my calming center. James' soothing and exhaustion eventually caused my sobs to die down. He waited patiently for my sobs to stop completely and for my breathing to ease down, caressing my back all the while. Then he spoke.

«This is about baby Emily, isn't it.» It wasn't a question, it was a statement. It wasn't what I had expected him to say, I wouldn't have thought that James would know what was going on. «She was discharged today, wasn't she? I didn't remember it earlier, I'm sorry, I know you told me it would be today,» he apologised. I just nodded a little, my face still cradled against James' chest. He said nothing, just waited patiently for me to begin talking. I knew he didn't want to push me. I drew a heavy, ragged sigh and pulled back from James' chest a little. When I began talking my voice was hoarse and strange from crying.

«I shouldn't be feeling this way, James. I shouldn't feel upset or sad, I don't have any right to be. It's not my place. It's unprofessional. I'm a nurse and baby Emily was just my patient, she was never mine, I knew that. And she was never going to be. I knew she was going home someday, that they would find a couple to adopt her and that she'd be discharged. And I thought I was prepared for it, I tried preparing for it. But seeing her go... Still felt like a punch in the stomach. It's embarrassing, James, having become so attached to her. I became too involved. Maybe I shouldn't have this job, maybe I should...» My voice trailed off. The more I spoke the more I realised that I blamed myself, that this was all my own fault. I had kid myself into believeing that I had been sensible about this, that I had kept a somewhat professional approach to baby Emily. It's amazing how much you can trick yourself and be in denial about your own emotions.

«Emily... I know I've before said that you care too much, but in this particular case I really can't blame you,» James said after a moments thought. His voice was mild and forgiving. «And I don't think anyone else would, either. Cases like these aren't exactly everyday occurences... I can't imagine that anyone would manage to stay completely professional and detached working with a case like this. Least of all you. You spent night after night with her, keeping her alive just with your warmth and your heartbeats.» As James spoke I felt the painful knot in my chest swell again, threatning to smother me and I felt myself starting to cry again. It felt good to have his understanding and his comfort, hearing him explain why I should ease up on myself. And it hurt to hear him talk about baby Emily. «She needed you, depended on you, and for a little while you were the only person who was there for her, who protected her. Of course you became attached to her in some way.»

«But I shouldn't have!» I said a little desperately through the tears, frustrated at myself and all my painful emotions. «God! Right now I wish I could just... turn off my feelings, just shut them off. Or at least that I had a handful of xanax,» I added bitterly. James didn't comment on this, he just wrapped his arm a little tighter around me and kissed my forehead lovingly.

«Like I've said, you care too much, sweetie. And right now, you care too much about caring too much. If that's even possible. You're always too hard on yourself. You're only human, Emily.»

«Right now I don't want to be,» I muttered sourly. James brushed some hair away from my face and looked at me through the semi-darkness, my eyes had gotten used to it now and I could see a little of him in the light seeping in from the corridor.

«Emily. This girl is alive because of you, and she has her whole life ahead of her. A young couple now have a child which they desperately wanted. You did that. She has your name, and she'll never forget you for the rest of her life, nor will her parents. And it's not like you'll never see her again, you'll be able to see her, watch her grow up. She's only 45 minutes up the road.»

«Yeah...» I mumbled, cheering up a little. James' word had made me shy and humble, for some reason it was hard to accept that it was me he was talking about.

«Stop beating yourself up, will you? You should be proud of yourself, for what you did for her. God knows I am,» he said with feeling. A half-sob escaped me.

«Stop talking or I'm going to cry again,» I squeaked.

«All right, okay, I'll stop,» he said, smiling a little in the darkness. Then he leaned in, brushing his nose gently against mine. «But I mean it, though. I am so bloody proud of you,» he said in a whisper. The sob I gave was muffled by James' lips against mine as he kissed me slowly.

«Thank you, love,» I breathed back, it was the only thing I could think of to say. Nothing I could say could really express how grateful I was to have James in my life, to have him put up with me and be so kind and understanding.

«Listen,» James began, then cleared his throat. «I have a surprise for you. I wasn't going to tell you just yet, I had it all planned out, but... I'm thinking maybe you need some cheering up. Something to look forward to.»

«Surprise?» I said, pulling back a little to look into James' eyes. It was too dark to see him properly and I reached over to turn on the bedside lamp. We both blinked a little, adjusting to the sudden light.

«Yeah...» He smiled secretively, obviously excited about his own plans.

«Well tell me, then!» I said impatiently, slapping his chest playfully.

«Not when you hit me, I won't!» He said defensively, half-laughing and pulling his arms to his chest to protect himself. I huffed and rolled my eyes. Changing tack I put my palms on his chest, caressing him gently while batting my eyelids at him, giving him my most innocent doe-eyed expression.

«Tell me, pretty please...?» I begged sweetly.

«Oh all right.» It was his turn to roll his eyes at me. I looked at him expectantly, but he still said nothing, just grinned like a cheshire cat. I was just about to open my mouth to spur him on when he began talking. «In little over two weeks, you and I are going away for sixteen days. I mean, if you fancy going to Bali...» he added, pretending to be unsure. I gaped at him, completely dumbfounded.

«... Bali?» I repeated dazedly.

«Mhm,» he nodded. «Away from the city, away from hospitals and work and meetings... If you want to come with me, that is.»

«Oh god, I would absolutely love to!» I exclaimed, wrapping my arms around him. «But... Work, I don't know if I'll be able to..» I began, frantically trying to calculate if it would be possible.

«Don't worry about it, it's already sorted.» James waved me down.

«Sorted? How?»

«I had a chat with your boss. I was very pleasant and polite and I didn't threaten her even a little!» He hastened to add, seeing my eyes widening with horror. «I just talked to her, told her that I would like to surprise you with a big holiday and 'would that at all be possible?' She said yes straight away, she thought you deserved it, just like I did.»

«So it's... sorted?» I asked stupidly.

«Yes. They've cleared the shifts you had, you'd worked up quite a bit of overtime anyway. So is that a yes, you'll come with me?» He looked at me hopefully.

«Of course I'll come with you, you daft old goat!» I said, grinning so widely my head hurt even more than it already was from crying. «Really? Bali? Just you and me?!»

«Good!» James said, smiling nearly as widely as me. «Yes, really. I think it'll do us both good. Just spending time with each other. We'll be in one of those bungalows that stick out over the blue water, with a huge hammock on the balcony... We can get you that diving license we talked about, if you want to. Have lots of good Indonesian food, see the island, enjoy the sun and the warmth...»

«Oh god, that's it, I'm packing,» I said and made to get out of bed. James held me back by wrapping his arms around me, then he rolled over on his back and pulled me after him. His arms were still clamped around me, restricting my movements.

«Whoa whoa whoa, we're not leaving for over two weeks!» He said, but smiled at my obvious, child-like excitement. «Plus, all you'll need is a bikini anyway. Will only take like, what, two seconds to pack?»

«I can't believe you did this,» I sighed happily, running a hand through his hair. «And I don't know how to even begin to thank you. Not just for this, but for everything you do for me. And everything you are to me.»

«You don't have to thank me,» he said honestly. «Just love me, and I'll be happy.»

«I do,» I replied.  

Chapter 37

My little patient, quickly named 'babygirl' while waiting for someone to name her properly, grew increasingly stronger and more stable during the first week of her life. But she also made it clear that she needed human contact, she needed someone, and I found myself spending every night at the hospital with her that first week. During the days and evenings there were enough people around to keep her relatively happy, but during the night the staff was at a minimum. It was as if she didn't like the quiet and the dark, maybe it made her feel even more lonely. If I tried staying away, her condition would deteriorate slowly, her body temperature and oxygen levels dropping. I got into a rhythm of spending my nights at the hospital acting as human incubator, feeder and changer of tiny diapers. I dragged myself home zombie-like in the morning, sleep until late afternoon and then tried to do things like eat and spend time with James. Then I went back to the hospital, preparing for another night in the high-backed rocking chair. James amazed me by being supportive about the situation, he knew it was for a short period of time and that it would drive me up the walls not being able to help her. He worried about me, that I would exhaust myself and he helped in what little ways he could; by making food for me and doing things around the house. It surprised me that the hospital management was equally supportive, I had expected grumblings about nurses 'doing whatever they liked' and 'giving patients special treatment'. Contrary to what I had expected my boss turned out to be full of praise and gratuity for my 'extra efforts', as she put it.
After eight days babygirl finally managed an entire night on her own in the incubator without me having to be there, and I felt I could breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe she would finally be stable now? She was putting on weight and getting better with the bottle. I went back to my normal work routine, but she was still my patient and I kept worrying about her. The authorities nor the adoption agency had managed to find any suitable adoptive parents yet.

Having gone back to my normal work routine, caught up on some sleep and managed to shift my sleeping pattern back the right way around, James and I decided to make that date night of ours happen. I was giddy about it, excited about dressing up, having good food and spend the evening with James. We were going to Gordon Ramsay's restaurant in Chelsea, a place so posh it was actually quite terrifying. I entered the kitchen and found James leaning on the kitchen counter immersed in his phone. He had already showered and was dressed in a suit jacket, a blue, patterned shirt and dark blue jeans. He looked smart and handsome, and my heart did a little extra flutter at the sight of him.
«Is this okay? Will they let me in wearing this?» I fretted. James eyed me up and down slowly, taking in my black pumps and my dress; it had a v-neck, was thigh-length and waisted, made out of black lace with a cream fabric underneath. Then he slipped the phone into his pocket and made his way across the kitchen to me.
«You're absolutely perfect. Of course they'll let you in – they let me in! I'm not sure I'm able to let you out of this house, though..» He said warningly, leaning in and nuzzling my neck, taking in my perfume. «Not without ravishing you first.»
«Behave or I'll have to hose you down, May. We're being picked up in ten minutes,» I giggled, pushing him away gently. He sighed and straightened up.
«This is going to be a long night.»
«You look very, very handsome...» I smirked, pulling him in for a kiss by the lapels.
«Mm, thank you. Now I'm going to have to take a few steps back or we'll never make it out of this house,» he warned.

Arriving at the restaurant half an hour later I had my first proper taste of what it was like being with someone who was a 'celebrity'. Photographers were always milling around prestigious restaurants like these because the rich and famous often frequented them. As the driver dropped us off by the entrance they swooped on us, flashes going off all around us. James held my hand tightly in a reassuring grip as he greeted the press politely, but he didn't engage in any conversation with any of them even though they were all shouting at him or attention. I nearly froze when someone shouted my name as well, then remembered it being mentioned in the Top Gear News, that we were 'official' now and that the media were bound to have made a note of it. I felt myself smiling embarrassedly and blushing violently as I almost stumbled after James who was making his way resolutely towards the restaurant entrance. When we entered the restaurant I had to blink rapidly to chase away the blind spots the flashes had caused. Once safely inside James turned to me, looking tense and worried.
«You okay?» He asked, looking at me with concern in his eyes. My considerate, understanding James. He knew this was a completely new situation for me, and probably remembered how it had been for him the first few times he'd had to deal with photographers like this.
«Yeah, yeah, I'm fine,» I smiled, still blinking rapidly. «Just.. partly blind.»
«I'm sorry about that, I wish you didn't have to deal with things like these. It just sort of... comes with the territory,» he shrugged.
«It's fine, I can take it,» I assured him, running a hand over his cheek. «I would have put up with far worse things as long as I could be with you.» James blinked a few times, not knowing how to respond to that. Not finding his words he gave up and kissed me lovingly. A waiter, or whatever they're called in those types of places, appeared and we were shown to our table. I felt incredibly out of place, the restaurant was fantastic and everyone in it seemed to come straight out of a fashion magazine, impeccably dressed and gorgeous. Several times I had to whisper to James and ask him to translate what was on the menu, haute cuisine not exactly being my usual diet. All of the food was so beautifully arranged I nearly felt bad for eating it. But everything tasted amazing and the wine was great. Even Gordon himself was present at the restaurant that night, and came out to say hello and chat to James since he'd appeared on one of Gordon's tv-series once. Having only seen the angry, shouty, mean version of him on telly I nearly jumped in my chair and flinched when the chef turned to greet me. Gordon turned out to be an incredibly nice, warm guy, which reminded me that I shouldn't always judge people on what they were like on TV. After three courses, dessert and two bottles of wine we decided it might be time to get home. We were too full and tipsy to be out in public. All I wanted to do was unzip my dress and sprawl on the sofa in a very unladylike manner.

When we got home we turned on some music, found some beer and sank down on the sofa. Like we were in a bad sitcom we both sighed contentedly and put our feet up on the table simultaneously.
«Oh god, what are we gonna be like in ten years?» I said when I had regained my breath from laughing. «Finishing each others sentences? Wearing matching track suits?»
«If that happens we must be shot,» James decided, and I agreed. A content and serene silence fell over us as we sat there, feeling full, enjoyably tipsy and happy.
«Emily!» James raised his voice a little and I snapped out of a reverie I hadn't been aware of being in. «I've just asked you to dance with me. Then I admitted to once having dressed up in your underwear. All to which you responded 'mhm'.»
«Hm? I.. what...» I babbled.
«Emily, what's going on? We've dressed up and gone to this fantastic restaurant, had amazing food, good wine.,. This should have been a great night, and I wish I could say that it has been, but it just hasn't. Mostly because I sometimes felt like I was having dinner on my own. All night you've barely said anything, you've seemed so... distant, like you're not really there.»
«Please tell me you didn't dress up in my underwear,» I pleaded, unable to rid myself of the unwanted mental image.
«You're avoiding the issue,» he said, scowling a little.
«Oh, James, I'm... I'm sorry. I've tried, James, I've tried all night to... be present and enjoy myself. I have enjoyed myself, but... I just can't get babygirl out of my head.» I had felt unfocused all night. Part of me really wanted to be with James and enjoy our date night to the fullest, but my mind had kept wandering. I had tried to hide it from James which I now realised was stupid, he knew me far too well for me to be able to pass that off.
«But.. I thought she was doing well? What's wrong?»
«She is doing well,» I confirmed. «Really well, actually. It's just... they still haven't found any adoptive parents for her, and it's driving me mad! It just kills me seeing her incubator with no name tag on it yet, no parents fussing over her... I can't accept that I saved her life only for her to grow up in an orphanage, bounced from foster family to foster family... That can't be what I saved her life for! That isn't a life! I'm responsible for that, that's on me.»
«Oh, Emily... I understand that you feel like she's your responsibility, but.. You're taking care of her, as your patient. The adoption people will find someone, some couple is bound to want her.»
«And what if they don't?» I argued stubbornly.
«I don't know, Emily,» James shrugged and put a soothing hand no my knee.
«I'm not letting that happen. She's alive because of me, that makes her my responsibility!»
«I just don't see what more can you do for her..»
«Well, if they can't find somebody then..... Then I'll bloody take her!» I snapped. James' hand disappeared from my knee and I looked over to him. He'd straightened up in his seat and looked perplexed.
«Don't you think that's a decision you need to discuss with me first?» He said, I heard in his voice that he was angry but trying to keep his calm.
«I.. I know, James, I know, of course...» I apologised. It was my turn to put a hand on his knee. «I didn't-- I wasn't serious, I'm just worried. And desperate. And I can't get away from the feeling that it's somehow my fault, my responsibility that she's lying there, all alone.. I mean, she's alive, but she has no one.»
«Emily, she's only been at the hospital for two weeks. From what you've told me she'll be there for at least another three or four. They will find parents for her, you have to believe that. And in the meantime, she has you.» James spoke calmly, his hand caressing my upper arm soothingly. I looked into James' piercing, blue eyes, they were calm and spoke of love and understanding. Without at word I got up and walked over to the stereo, finding a slow song on the iPod. Walking back towards James I saw him studying me, a curious little frown on his face. I came to a halt in front of him and held out a hand.
«Could I have that dance now? Please?» James' expression softened. He took my hand and got up from the sofa.
«Of course, sweetheart,» he smiled. His arm closed around my lower back, pulling me close. I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and rested my hand on his neck, caressing and playing with his hair just as I had done the first time we had danced.
«James, I'm sorry...» I began, suddenly remembering what James had said to me earlier and feeling a horrible pang of guilt. «I'm sorry about tonight, I'm sorry that I ruined it.»
«Rubbish, you didn't ruin it,» James protested mildly, but I continued.
«And I'm sorry about having been so preoccupied, about getting so caught up in work. I have been a rubbish girlfriend, I haven't paid you enough attention, love. I'm sorry for that too.»
«We've both been caught up with work lately.»
«James, why do you even put up with me? I feel like I've done nothing by apologise to you lately,» I sighed, feeling disappointed with myself.
«Put up with you?» James repeated, sounding incredulous. «Emily, I don't have to put up with you. You have no idea how lucky I feel for having you in my life. Yes, all right, so you do get a little carried away sometimes and you care too much, about your patients, about a lot of things, but... That is one of the reasons I fell in love with you. How passionate you are, and the fact that you have such a big heart.» I blinked rapidly, feeling my eyes well up with tears.
«You're too good to me,» I whispered and pulled him in for a long kiss. «I love you.»

Chapter 36

It was nearly nine in the morning when I quietly slipped in the front door at home. Home. I had only lived in the house for little over two months but it already felt like home. All pretense about this being temporary had gone from my mind. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to go back to living alone and I certainly didn't want to see less of James. This past month had shown me how hectic our lives could be, I felt I was barely seeing James as it was.
I felt dizzy, almost high from having been at work for over 24 hours, I was almost walking beside myself as I made my way upstairs. I had slept in fits and starts during the night, but never deeply or for long, wary of the baby sleeping on my chest.
James was asleep on his back, having nearly kicked his covers off in the warm June morning. I undressed quickly and crawled into bed with a happy sigh. I didn't want to disturb James but I couldn't resist inching up to him as close as I could, resting my head on his shoulder. I wrapped a leg over his and rested my arm on his chest. He gave a happy hum and I felt his arm close around my back.
«Morning. Welcome home,» he mumbled and kissed my forehead lazily.
«Morning sweetheart.» I kissed his shoulder.
«Everything all right?»
«Yeah, just tired. Don't let me sleep past 1pm.» Then I was out like a light.

The next thing I knew was James' mouth on the back of lower thigh. At least I made the assumption it was him, as I was lying on my stomach hugging a pillow and couldn't see who was doing the kissing. His hands were slowly caressing my legs as he kept kissing my skin.
«Well this is a nice wake-up call,» I mumbled into the pillow. «What time is it?»
«3pm.» James voice was muffled against my skin as he moved his kisses higher on my thigh.
«I told you not to let me sleep past 1,» I said, not even slightly annoyed.
«You were sleeping so soundly,» James argued. His lips trailed ever higher on my thigh, moving on to my buttock. It was then I realised I was naked. Which was odd, because I distinctly remembered having my panties on when I had crawled into bed that morning. James' mouth kissed and nuzzled my bum, then opened his mouth and bit it teasingly.
«James, why am I naked?»
«Mmm. Magic,» he mumbled airily. He kept nuzzling the skin on my bum and lower back, kissing and licking at it. Gradually his hands moved higher and higher along the sensitive skin on inside of my thighs and I unconsciously spread my legs a little. When I thought about it I couldn't pinpoint the last time James and I had made love, not properly. We'd managed to get in a few desperate shags, but mostly we didn't have time. Or just didn't have the energy. I had missed our closeness, missed the attention, missed feeling adored and wanted. He moved slowly, intent on teasing me by building anticipation. I squirmed under his touch, huffing impatiently. His hand had come to rest on my inner thigh, as far up as it would go, his fingers only inches from my pussy. I arched my back a little, pushing my bum up towards him, egging him on. Still nibbling and licking at the skin on my hip and bum he moved his hand slightly and I felt his fingers rub lightly against my clit. By now I was too impatient for light, teasing touches and pressed my hips down into the mattress, rubbing my pussy against his fingers and moaning into the pillow. James moved his hand a little and I gasped as I felt his thumb slide inside me. His thumb slid out of me again and I instinctively I arched my back and pushed my pussy against his hand.
«You like that..?» James breathed against my skin.
«Uh-huh,» I whinced, hugging the pillow. James somehow managed to have his thumb inside me and still keep a finger on my clit. His slow teasing had made me incredibly turned on, and I kept rocking against his hand, feeling his thumb work inside me and his fingers rub against my clit. It wouldn't be enough to make me come, but just enough to offer slow, enticing pleasure. His thumb slid out of me one last time then his hand disappeared.
«Turn around,» he ordered, taking my hips in a firm hold and flipping me around. Looking up at James he was sitting on his knees between my legs, still fully clothed.
«I want to feel your skin,» I said as I sat up and inched closer to him, pulling his t-shirt off and tossing it to the side. Once it was off I trailed my palms over the warm, soft skin on his shoulders and arms, then his chest while kissing him slowly. He hummed, running his tongue over my lip and I opened my mouth to him. My hands fell to his jeans and I ran my palms over his thighs and over the bulge straining against the denim, rubbing his cock slowly.
«Undo them,» he said, somewhere halfway between an order and a plea. I did as he said, unbuttoned his jeans and slipped my hand down the front of his boxers, seizing hold of his throbbing cock. He drew a sharp intake of breath at the touch and I nibbled teasingly at his bottom lip as I caressed him in his boxers.
«You like that...?» I breathed, echoing his question from before. He gave the same wince in reply. I ran a thumb over his wet head, pumping him lazily, teasing him the same way he had teased me. His hands were tangled in my hair, holding my face as close as possible as he kissed me passionately. «Jeans. Off.» I mumbled in between kisses, pulling my hand out of his boxers. He wriggled out of his jeans and boxers, then sat on his knees again and pulled me into his lap. I loved the closeness of this position, being face to face with him, straddling his lap, both being able to hold each other tightly, caress each others back and tangle our hands into each others hair. I raised my hips a little and guided him inside me. As I sank down on him I bit my lip, not breaking his gaze. James drew a ragged breath as he entered me.
«Last time we did this you were all... greasy,» James said with a quiet chuckle.
«Hopefully I wont slide off this time,» I said and kissed the side of his neck lazily, holding still and just enjoying the intimacy, the feel of him inside me.
«Well, actually, sliding is kind of the poi--» James began and I bit his skin teasingly to cut him off.
«Shut up,» I warned and he gave a little snort of laughter.
«I've missed this,» he said quietly, trailing kisses along my jawline. «I've missed you.»
«I've missed you too, baby,» I sighed. For the first time in what felt like months I was completely in the moment. For once I didn't worry about my patients, I didn't think about my motorcycle license or stressing over when my next shift was. All that existed in my consciousness was James, how his touches and kisses made me feel, the feel of him inside me, being at one with him, and everything that I felt for him. Letting go of my stress and concerns brought everything here and now into sharp focus, making me feel more aroused and more sensitive to everything James was doing to me. His strong arms closer around my lower back, taking control of the speed with which I moved my hips. He groaned into my hair and one hand slid down to grab my buttock in a firm hold. I nibbled and kissed his any part of his skin I could reach as I worked my hips up and down, gradually building speed. My arms were wrapped around his shoulders, one hand taking a hold on his neck, clinging tightly to him. James moaned my name, panting heavily as he raised his hips a little to meet my thrusts. «Oh god! James!» I winced in his ear, then sucked on his earlobe, biting it lightly with my teeth. Everything that was happening just seemed to work, heightening my sense of arousal. Clinging tightly to James, feeling his body slide against mine as I raised my hips to slip him in and out of me. His big, strong hand on my buttock, helping me raise my hips. His huffs and moans and his heavy panting, the smell of his aftershave and of sex. I pulled back a little to look into James eyes, nearly unable to focus through my haze of passion and pleasure. «I'm gonna come,» I breathed, my voice high in pitch from the increasing pleasure. James didn't say anything, maybe he wasn't able to because he was breathing open-mouthed, groaning throatily. His other hand found my other buttock and he helped me grind faster and harder against him. I swore under my breath and closed my eyes, focusing on nothing but the feeling of his cock inside me, the friction and the pleasure rapidly swelling to its peak. My arms were wrapped around James shoulders, both my hands tangled in his hair. I felt James tilt his head down, leaning forward a little and then cried out his name when his mouth closed around a nipple. Instinctively I raised my chest against his mouth and he sucked hard on my nipple, his tongue swirling around it. The sensation sent me reeling. A few more quick thrusts and I was pushed over the edge. I grinded my hips frantically against James, prolonging the orgasm, getting as much pleasure out of it as I could. James' mouth let go of my nipple when he also let go, his breath felt cold against my wet nipple when he gave a long moan, then buried his face against my shoulder to muffle himself as he kept groaning through his orgasm. «It's been way too long since we did that,» I said a little breathlessly, running a hand through James' hair. He was resting his forehead against my shoulder, still regaining his breath. He raised his head and looked into my eyes.
«Yeah, way too long,» he panted. He gave me a warm and serene smile then cupped my head in his hands and kissed me slowly. Once again I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, just hugging him tight, still feeling him inside me as I enjoyed my afterglow. I didn't want to move from him, didn't want to break this moment of intimacy and love. James just held me close, running one hand lovingly up and down my back. I could've fallen asleep like that, slumped against James with my chin resting on his shoulder.
«I should go take a shower,» I mumbled sleepily. «But I don't want to move.»
«Me neither,» James sighed. «How about we go in the shower together?» He suggested.
«I might be able to move for that,» I smiled and gave his shoulder a kiss before climbing off him and out of bed.

Chapter 35

For the past month James had been extremely busy making a new season of Man Lab in addition to the studio shoots down in Guildford, and I had been just as busy trying to get to grips with my new job. He had long workdays and sometimes had to go away for a day or two. And I was doing a shift rotation, working days, evenings and graveyard shifts. I had been unemployed and living the lazy life for over a month, and getting back into work life was a lot harder than I thought, suddenly my life was reduced to work and sleep. I also had so much to learn I felt like a nurse student again, and the stress of it was taking its toll even if I knew this was only a transitional period and I'd get into it soon enough. Thankfully a senior nurse named Wendy had taken a liking to me, so she'd taken me under her wing and was teaching me everything she knew. And trying to reassure me that I was doing fine and that I needed to ease up on myself before I had a heart attack. Apart from how stressful it was and feeling a little incompetent, I absolutely loved my new job and looked forward to when I felt more settled. On top of everything I was trying to take my 'compulsory basic training'-course which was the first step to getting my motorcycle lisence. It consisted of 5 elements involving training and riding a motorcycle, and I had to make sure that I could take these when James was busy with work or away, still wanting to keep it a secret. I also had a theory test and a final practical motorcycle test to pass.

James and I lived in the same house, but we rarely spent any time together, just passed each other in the door on our way to or from somewhere. If we did have the rare chance to just relax together, one or both of us would just fall asleep. We slept in the same bed most nights, but sometimes we didn't even have that luxury. Either James was away or I was working the nightshift. Both of us tried to pay attention to each other as best we could, just little things like a note or a text, a little gift or a card. But it wasn't nearly enough and it was wearing on both of us. James had wrapped the making of Man Lab yesterday, and would have nothing but the Top Gear filmings down at Guildford, and his writing, to focus on for a while. We agreed that we sorely needed some time together and I arranged for a few days off. The plan had been to spend an entire weekend together, just the two of us. No phones, no work, no nothing. Lock the door, unplug the phone and have the time to just be us again. The weekend should have started with a big date night, not having been on a proper date since The Aquarium.

All of this were reasons why I absolutely hated having to do what I was doing. I took a nanosecond to gather what little courage I had and dialled.

«Hello?»

«James, it's me. Listen, I am so so sorry, but something has come up, and...»

«No. Emily, don't even --» he began.

«I'm really sorry, James! You know I wouldn't do this if-»

«If it wasn't important? I know that! But aren't I important, aren't we important too?»

«Of course we are, but...» In the back of my mind I registered just how much the gender roles were switched right now, I sounded like the overworked, ambitious businessman while James sounded... well, like a big woman. But I also knew he had a point, and that he had every right to be upset. If the roles were reversed I would've been livid.

«You know, you care too fucking much, Emily, I've always said that. Sometimes I think you care more about your patients than about our relationship.» His voice was cold and angry, his reaction much stronger than I had expected it to be. Annoyance and disappointment, yes, but I hadn't expected this. His anger sparked my own.

«That is so fucking unfair, James. I haven't been the only one who has been fucking busy lately! You've been away a lot more than I have!» I hissed back. But I also knew that he had been a lot better at paying attentiont to me than I had to him.

«I told you about that, you know how my job is-» I heard how he was really riling himself up now.

«James, James, I have to go, I'm sorry.» I hung up. And ran.

Four hours later I picked up the phone and typed in a message.

«James, I am really sorry. Come to the hospital, maybe I can make you understand what was so important. I love you.» To my surprise he wrote back a few minutes later, and I was even more surprised to read that he would actually come to the hospital. I had half expected him to have locked himself in his garage, or gone out for too many pints with someone, because that was what had happened the few times we'd been angry at each other. The fact that he became angry was just him showing his frustration, I knew that now and I regretted countering his anger with more anger. It had been a stressful month for both of us and we just desperately needed to relax and be together. We agreed that he would send a text when he was at the hospital. Twenty minutes later the text came, and I typed a quick response. Then I pressed a button and Wendy came running after a minute.

«Yes, love?» She said in a carrying whisper.

«Hey, could you do me a favour? James is coming by. Could you take the elevator down to the lobby, find him and bring him up here? I'm kind of... stuck here...» I asked in the same whisper.

«Ooh, is James coming?» She grinned, perking up. Wendy and I had become friends over the month I'd been working here, we'd talked about our private lives and I had told her about James. She had been itching to meet him ever since.

«Yeah...» I said, unable to stop myself from smiling at her hopeful look. She perked up even more, nodded eagerly and ran out of the room. Finally I heard foosteps and Wendy jabbering in a voice that became more and more quiet the closer she got.

«She's in there,» was the last thing I heard her whisper, then James emerged in the doorway. He froze, eyes widening a little as he tried to take in what he was seeing. I was in a dimly lit room, half-lying in a high-backed rocking chair with my feet up on a puff. My chest and stomach was almost completely covered in blankets, with a few tubes and wires sticking out of it. Tentatively James took a few steps into the room, still eyeing my curiously.

«It's okay, come on,» I whispered and smiled mildly at him. Encouraged by this he gingerly crossed the room and sank quietly down on a chair next to mine. «Hello,» I whispered. We made eye-contact, and I saw his eyes crinkle as he gave me a little smile.
«Hello,» he answered, also whispering. Then his eyes turned to what from a distance had seemed to be nothing but a pile of colourful blankets draped over my chest. But from under it something wrinkly and red-ish pink was barely visible. Gently I pulled the blanket down a little bit, giving James a better view.

«Meet babygirl,» I said. On cue the little bundle yawned widely then waved her arm around clumsily a few times. Then she slept again. I folded the blanket over her, keeping just her little face visible. James gaped at the little baby, part horrified and part fascinated. His eyes travelled from the baby and up to me, then back again. I sighed and began explaining in hushed tones. «Last night her mother was in a hit and run, she was barely alive when she was found. The mum was young, and they decided to do an emergency cesarian to increase the chances that the woman would survive, even if the baby might not. Sadly, there were some complications and she died while the baby survived. Nobody knows who the mother was, she was most likely here as an illegal immigrant under a false identity. Maybe from an eastern european country, Czech republic, Romania, they don't know. Police hasn't been able to get in touch with anyone who knows anything about her, her family, who the father might be...» My voice trailed off as the little bundle squirmed a little.

«Wow, that's...» James looked down at the sleeping, wrinkly little red face, unable to put into words what he thought it was.

«They think she was about 34 weeks pregnant, so this baby was born 6 weeks early. Normally that would give her good odds, but the mum seemed malnourished so the baby is smaller than she ought to be. We worked all through the morning, trying to keep her stable and alive, but she was just... fading away. Heart rate, oxygen levels, body temperature, everything was slowly going down. She was just dying, giving up. That was why I had to hang up on you earlier, we thought she was crashing. Sorry...» I said, feeling ashamed.

«Oh, right...» James said, obviously not knowing what else to say.

«Anyway, I just... couldn't bear it, to see her lie all alone in that... plastic box with nothing but tubes and wires for company. No mummy or daddy around to care that she was slipping away. If she was going to die I...» I swallowed hard now, trying not to get emotional. «I.. wanted to make her feel like she wasn't completely alone in the world, you know? I wanted her to feel some warmth and closeness before she died. All she's had since she was born has been.. pokes and prods and medical equipment. She'd barely been touched by another human. So I took her out of the incubator and sat down with her, took off my nurses' tunic and laid her on my chest under all these blankets. And somehow... long, awful minutes turned into hours, and she was just.. clinging on. The doc said it might have saved her. The body heat, the feeling of skin, hearing a heartbeat like she would have in the womb...» James looked at the unmoving baby on my chest for a long time, studying her.

«You... saved her life,» he said after a long silence. The way he said it I knew he understood what I had so desperately wanted him to understand, why this was so important.

«Maybe. Hopefully... See, this was why I had to stay here. It might just have been coincidence, but this might also have saved her. I just couldn't leave, knowing she might die. If this really is the only reason why she is still alive, me sitting here like this... I couldn't take that risk. There's fewer people on duty in the evenings and nights, they don't have time to just sit here all the time with her.» James' eyes had been on the baby while I had talked, and he only raised his eyes to meet mine when I stopped talking. The look he gave me was understanding and warm. «Listen, James, I am really sorry, though...» I began. He waved me down.

«Ssh, don't apologise, you don't have to. I mean, how can I be even slightly cross with you, you've saved a babies life for crying out loud...» He rolled his eyes, pretending to be exasperated. «I just... miss you. I know it sounds ridiculous, because we live together and we see each other nearly every day, but...» His voice trailed off. I was amazed that he still became shy and insecure when talking about his feelings.

«I miss you too, sweetie. So much. I'd been looking forward to tonight. You're the most important thing in my life, and I'm sorry if I made you doubt that-»
«Shut up,» James breathed with a smile on his face. «I didn't mean that, I was just being a moody...»

«Woman?» I supplied.

«Yes,» he nodded, chuckling a little. Then his eyes fell back to the baby, he seemed mesmerized by her.

«Here, look,» I whispered and lifted the blanket so he could see all of her, her tiny bent little arms and legs, the tiny diaper that looked so huge on her, her wrinkly skin that looked like it was flaking. «That's a feeding tube, she's too little to be able to take a bottle long enough to eat what she needs,» I explained, pointing at the thin little tube coming out of her nose. «And that thing is a sensor that measures her vitals – heart rate, body temperature, oxygen levels...» I continued, gesturing to a band strapped around her foot connected to a wire.

«She looks... unfinished,» James observed.

«That's because she IS, silly,» I whispered with a little chuckle, putting the blanket down again but leaving her head and one arm exposed. «She came out way too early! I'm sorry we have to talk in a whisper like this, but preemies like this are very sensitive to stimuli – sound, light, touch...» I began explaining. «Their nerve endings aren't finished yet so they can't process it. She's only used to hearing things from inside the tummy.You can touch her, though, you know,» I said challengingly. «Put a finger or a hand on her and keep it there.» Timidly James looked from me to the baby and back again, seemingly torn between curiosity and fright. Then he stretched out a hand and gently touched the back of her curled-up hand, his finger seeming absolutely enormous against her little fist. She flexed her fingers a little and moved her arm, and James retracted his hand hurriedly, obviously worried that he'd been to heavy-handed. «No, no, don't worry. Do it again, see what happens.» I said mildly. James did as I said, albeit a little unwillingly, barely touching her hand with the tip of his finger. She flailed her arm again and instinctively flexed her fingers a few times. After a few attempts she got it right and her little fingers curled around James'. Her hand was so tiny she only managed to wrap her fist around half of his finger. I smiled as I saw her settle again and fall back asleep, James' finger in a secure grasp. «See? Grasping reflex. Good girl!» I cheered in hushed whispers. James looked at me, gaping and wide-eyed.

«How can something be this miniscule and still... be functional?»

«Humans are pretty amazing,» I pointed out. A silence fell as James studied the tiny human holding his finger. He seemed in awe, tense and a little scared, almost reverential. But I could see something else in him too, something warm and tender.

«What'll happen to her?» He asked after a while.

«If the police can't find any relatives she'll be put up for adoption. That is, if she survives. They've started looking for suitable parents already, fosterparents with the chance to adopt, mainly. But it might not be easy, not many are willing to take on a premature baby, especially when so little is known about her family. Premature babies are more at risk of infection, of getting disabilities, they need extra care.. She is negative for HIV and hepatitis at least, which is something.»

«I hope they find someone...» He said quietly, not taking his eyes off the little baby girl.

«I know, me too,» I sighed. «If she's going to have any chance of developing into a normal and healthy baby she needs someone to be here with her, to sit with her like this. Human contact, bonding... I think I might have to stay here tonight, until I can be sure that she remains stable in the incubator.»

«Okay...» James said, still transfixed by the little hand clutching his finger. «Should I pick some things up for you? Do you need anything?»

«I need you to not be angry with me,» I asked gently. James tore his eyes from the baby and looked up at me, a little surprised. Then he smiled mildly.

«I'm not angry. Not at all. And I'm sorry about earlier....»

«It's okay, you had a right to be upset. I promise I'll make it up to you.»

«Mm okay,» James said with a sly little smirk. «Sure you don't need anything?»

«Can I have a kiss?» I asked innocently. He leaned in, careful not to disturb the little bundle on my chest. I hummed into his kiss, realising just how much I missed our closeness. A gentle rapping on the doorframe made us break apart.

«Sorry to interrupt,» Wendy whispered with an embarrassed, yet teasing little smirk. «Just wanted to remind you; feeding time in about ten.»

«Already? Wow. Thanks, Wendy,» I smiled at her, and she disappeared again. «Every third hour, like clockwork,» I said in answer to James raised eyebrow.

«Ah. I better get going, it's getting late and.. you have things to do,» he said, looking down at babygirl.

«Yeah, being a human incubator,» I chortled. «I'll be home in the morning, after people have come in for the dayshift. Okay?»

«Okay, sweetie.» He smiled and his eyes glittered in the dimly lit room. Then he turned his attention to the little baby again. «I'm sorry, but I'm going to need this finger back, little miss...» he said softly, carefully trying to pry his finger out of her grasp without disturbing her too much. But the loss of something to grip along with what I suspected was hunger caused her to squirm and then cry in that high-pitched, almost unearthly cry that only premature babies can make. The sound was incredibly loud and intense compared to the silent, hushed tones of our conversation. I held her a little tighter as I sat up a little and rocked her gently.

«Aaaw, was that finger really so important? You're a needy little bugger, aren't you?» I soothed in a soft voice. Then I looked up at James who seemed a little unhappy that she was crying because of him. «She's just fussy because she's hungry,» I explained, soothing James as well. «Now go on, get home. I'll see you in the morning, yeah?» James nodded, then cupped my cheek with his hand and gave me a long, soft kiss.

«You are just... an amazing human being, you know that?» He whispered.

«So are you.»

«No, I'm not. I don't save tiny babies,» he said with a crooked little smile, shrugging a little.

«That isn't a prerequisite,» I smiled. James gave me another gentle kiss then got up from his chair. Before leaving he kissed the top of my head. «Goodnight, sweetie. See you in the morning.»

Chapter 34

During the next week I had three training-shifts. The goal of them was to learn the ward, as every ward has different practices and routines. Shifts like these were always so crammed with information and new people that they passed in a flurry, and by the end of the last one I felt as confused as I had on day one. But I also felt excited, happy to get some experience in a new field, one that I was truly interested in. James was busy planning and writing scripts for his new season of Man Lab, filming was set to start next week and were to last for a month. And on Wednesday he had the Top Gear studio shoot which would continue until early August.

James announced that Richard and Jeremy was coming over that sunday, they were having some food and beers and was going to watch the Top Gear broadcast. Apparently they did that every now and then. I offered to clear out and find something else to do if this was a blokes' night, but James insisted that I was welcome to watch it with them if I wanted to.

I was sprawled on the sofa when I heard Jeremy and Richard arrive. Fusker had curled up and was asleep on my chest, his head poking out of the blanket covering both of us. James had gone to greet them, and I heard them trail into the kitchen, organising the food and beer. I didn't move to help them, far too comfortable and warm under the blanket. Richard was the first to arrive in the living room, carrying a sixpack of beer and cutlery.

«Emily? You asleep?» He asked in a carrying whisper, worried he would wake me up.

«Yes.» I said simply, eyes closed. I heard him sit down in an armchair and cracking open a beer, deciding to let sleeping women lie. More footsteps approached as the other two entered the living room.

«Emily, you have visitors! Sit up, be hospitable and act like a lady!» Jezza ordered.

«No, I shan't. I'm too comfortable. And if you try to force me, I will have Fusker claw your eyes out. Or your balls off.»

«I wouldn't push it, I wouldn't put it past her to have taught Fusker the kill-command,» James warned. «See what I have to live with?»

«Oh all right, all right,» I huffed, removed the blanket and sat up. Fusker meowed his accusatory, sad 'you woke me up'-meow and jumped off the sofa. «Just know that you have dismayed the cat,» I warned. James placated me with food and beer which quickly made me forget how sleepy I was. Top Gear came on at seven, and I only half paid attention to the first piece, which was one of Jezza's car reviews. My mind kept wandering, tomorrow was going to be my first proper shift at the ward and I was nervous. Privately I kept going over the things they had told me, over and over. The piece ended and I snapped out of it, the news were coming up and I always enjoyed that bit. It began with Richard beginning to talk about a new Porsche coming out, but Jezza broke him off.

«No, no, no, shut up. I have something much more important to say,» he exclaimed importantly, waving is hand at Richard, who shut up. As silence fell, the camera focused on Jeremy. «Actually, I have a bit of a love-story to tell.» The audience aaw'ed. «And no, this time it isn't about the love between a middle-aged man and some useless piece of scrap.» A picture of Richard and his Oliver flashed over the screen. The camera cut to Richard, who sat fiddling with his own fingers, looking embarrassed. Then it cut to James, whose utter confusion was etched all over his face. Jeremy continued his little monologue. «As some of you might remember, last season James fell over and hit his head pretty badly when we had a bit of a drive around the Middle East.» At the mention of this I sat up a little straighter. On the screen the clip of James' accident was shown briefly while Jeremy still talked. «Seeing as James was even stranger than usual when he came to, we thought it best to take him to a hospital. And it was at the hospital that the miracle happened. James met a girl!» My mouth fell open as I saw the photo of me and James on the stairs of the hospital in Syria appear on the screen. There I was, sweaty and messy and in my work clothes. How many people watched Top Gear on a regular night? I cringed just thinking about it. My mouth were still open and I tried to make noises, but nothing came out and I didn't know what to say anyway. The shock had made me feel cold, like everything had stopped working on the inside. I looked quickly over at Jeremy and James, who were both far more interested in watching my reactions than actually watching the telly. My eyes snapped back to the screen when I heard Richard's voice coming from the telly rather than Jeremy's.

«Emily was the very sweet nurse who took care of James at the hospital while she was there working with the Red Cross. She moved to London a few months later to study some more, and they kept in touch.» A new photo came onto the screen, this time the one with us hugging on the stairs. The audience aaw'ed again. «Now, normally we don't comment on this sort of thing on Top Gear, but rumors have been flying everywhere and since Emily and James share the common personality trait of being slow, we thought we might take matters into our own hands,» Richard finished. The camera cut to James again, who was now squirming in his chair, torn between shock, good-humored annoyance and embarrassment at what was going on. Then the camera cut to Jeremy again.

«And frankly, this is just too staggering not to make a big deal out of. Great news, ladies and gentlemen, despite everything we have ever suspected about him: James May HAS A GIRLFRIEND!» Jeremy shouted, and the camera cut to James again who was busy hiding his bright-red face in his hands, but I could tell that he was laughing too. Obviously James had known nothing about this little stunt Jeremy and Richard was pulling, and he had no chance of trying to remain his calm, composed self. The whole studio erupted into cat-calls, jeers and cheers as yet another picture came on the screen, one that I vaguely remembered Richard taking of James and me at the Christmas party, but I had never seen it after that. We were standing next to each other, closely, James in his black suit and bow tie, me in the blue dress. James had his arm wrapped around my lower back and we looked like a couple, even if we hadn't been at the time it was taken. I was relieved to see that I looked a whole lot better than on the first photo. We both did. The audience's cheers wouldn't let up, and in the end James got out of his chair and did a self-ironic little bow.

«Yes yes, thank you, now can we please move on and talk about some cars?» James mumbled as he sat down. The segment was over and they got into the normal news. Suddenly I felt how three pairs of eyes were burning a hole through me. I looked from one to the other, trying to keep a neutral face and not give away what I was thinking about this little stunt. It was obvious that they were terrified of how I might react to it.

«Now, before you say anything, I would like to make it absolutely clear that I had no idea about any of this,» James began, raising a finger in the air. «The surprise you saw on my face was completely genuine. I am NOT that good of an actor!» Wordlessly I turned to look at Jeremy, waiting for what he had to say in his defence.

«The way you two were behaving in the studio last week we thought you wanted everyone to know! And with the rumors and the tabloids it was just a matter of time anyway,» Jezza said stubbornly, trying to keep his ground. I narrowed my eyes menacingly at him and he cowered. «It wasn't my idea, it was Richards! He had the photos!» Jezza flailed in his chair, gesturing wildly to Hammond at the other end of the table. As I shifted my focus to Richard he began spluttering incoherently. Then he turned on Jeremy.

«Aaw, Jeremy! You spineless coward! She's going to kill me now! Or get the cat to do it for her!» Looking at the three men who now seemed to be bracing for impending doom, I cracked and broke out laughing. Suddenly the absurdity of the situation hit me. My relationship with James had suddenly been made public. On the BBC. During prime time. Millions and millions of people had seen it, and it would be all over twitter and youtube in a matter of minutes. And I wasn't angry about it, I couldn't be even if I had wanted to. James and I had talked about it anyway, that we needed to make it official somehow, we just hadn't gotten around to do it yet. Richard maybe had a point there, we were a bit slow sometimes. This way we had at least 'beaten' the tabloids with the big reveal. And I thought it was a fun and rather creative way of doing it.

«That can't be a good siiiiign...» Jeremy droned, looking terrified. «Should we run?»

«So this is why you came over here to watch the show tonight!» I chuckled, suddenly coming to the realisation myself. «Oh, relax, I'm not angry.» I waved my hand airily.

«No?» All three men said simultaneously with the same wide-eyed expression.

«No, not really. It was a bit of a surprise, granted. But it needed to be done and this was a good a way as any to do it. And I didn't have to say or do anything!» I smiled.

«Seriously?» Richard asked, raising his eyebrows.

«Yes, seriously. James and I met because of Top Gear, so that seemed like a fitting way to do it, really,» I shrugged. They were all still eyeing me warily, still on edge. «Aaaw, guys, you've really been worried about this, haven't you?»

«Yes!» James was the first to open his mouth. «I didn't know about this and I had to sit through the entire news-bit while trying to work out what the hell just happened. At first I tried to get them to cut that bit out and they could have, but... I don't know, I kind of liked it, too. When I got over the first surprise.» James looked at me a little apologetically. I wrapped an arm around his neck and gave him a reassuring kiss.

«Don't worry, I'm not angry. Frankly, it's a bit of a relief. Absolutely everyone knows now. End of.» James smiled into the kiss, relieved and happy.

«Hey, where's my kiss, it was my idea!» Richard protested.

«Hands off, Hammond,» James said darkly, wrapping his arms protectively around me.

«Oh shut up all of you and get me a beer,» I smiled. Relieved that I hadn't gone through the roof, the boys relaxed again. We finished watching the show and after we turned on some music and just sat around talking.

It was only 10pm when I yawned widely and announced that I needed to go to bed, as I had an unusually early call the next day. I told Jeremy and Richard that they were welcome to stay for longer if they wanted to, I didn't mind the noise and there were more beers in the kitchen. «I'll be up in a few minutes,» James said quietly in my ear. «Wish you goodnight.» I nodded and gave him a quick kiss before saying goodnight to the boys and heading upstairs. The beer had made me fuzzy and warm on the inside, I felt enjoyably relaxed and less worried about the shift the next morning. Maybe I would actually get some sleep now. I always slept better when I heard people in the house, music and chatter and laughter. Remembering that James had said he would come upstairs to say goodnight I had a mischievous moment and undressed, slipping completely naked under the covers. A few minutes later I heard James coming up the stairs. The bedroom was dark and I kept my eyes on the doorway which was lit up from the hallway.

«Hi, baby,» I said quietly when he appeared in the doorway. He made his way across the floor in the dark and sat down on the edge of the bed.

«Hello,» he said and he looked at me through what little light was coming from the corridor, running his hand over my forehead. «You sure you're all right, Emily? I mean, with the whole news-thing?»

«Of course, James. I meant what I said, I'm just relieved about it. And, rather happy that they showed at least one picture of me where I look decent!» I added.

«You're amazing, do you know that?» He said quietly.

«Mno. Tell me again,» I said with a smirk and wrapped my hands around his neck, pulling his face down to mine.

«You're amazing,» he breathed against my lips before kissing me slowly. I hummed into his kiss and moved over, pulling him down into bed. James tried to resist, but very half-heartedly. Getting carried away by my kisses and the way I was caressing his neck, he slipped an arm under my duvet and ran a palm slowly down my back and over my hip. Then his hand froze. «Emily.»

«Mm?» I said, still nibbling at his lips.

«You're naked.»

«Mm,» I hummed, ignoring him while trailing kisses along his jawline and down his neck. At the same time I slid my hand down his body and slipped it under his shirt, caressing the skin on his lower stomach.

«And we still have visitors. Whom you invited to stay longer, I might add,» he continued in hushed tones. I kept kissing and licking the skin on his neck while slipping my hand inside the waistband of his jeans, rubbing my palm against his cock which quickly grew harder under my touch.

«I want you,» I breathed heavily into his ear and pressed my naked body up against his.

«Couldn't you have told them to leave?» James replied, his voice hitching in his throat as I rubbed my palm a little harder against him.

«This is exciting,» I whispered, quickly undoing his jeans and slipping my hand into his boxers, wrapping my fingers around his warm cock. Slowly I rubbed my thumb over his sensitive head in circles and I heard James draw a sharp breath. Encouraged by this I began moving my hand up and down his cock, pressing my body even closer up against him. From downstairs I heard how Jeremy and Richard were talking loudly and then burst into laughter. Hearing them downstairs, knowing they were in the same house and could catch us at any moment turned me on immensely. James had barely touched me and already I was breathing heavily, writhing against him. «Listen to them, they're busy having fun. We can be quick...,» I continued enticingly, still pumping him resolutely. I ran my thumb over his head again, making him wet with his own precome.

«Of fuck it,» James hissed, unable to withstand it anymore. He tugged the covers away from me and pushed me roughly over on my back. He followed quickly, pulling frantically at his own jeans and boxers to get them out of the way. I slid my hands down his lower back and over his bum, helping him pull the boxers and jeans down to his thighs. Finally freed from his clothing I felt his hard cock pressing against me and I dug my fingertips into his hips and pushed up against him, feeling him slipping inside me. James let out an involuntary moan then covered my mouth with his in an effort to silence himself. His kisses were completely different now, primal and frantic like his thrusts. I redoubled my grip on his arse, arching my back to raise my hips even more up against him. We had nothing in mind but trying to make each other climax, both way past the point of being able to stop ourselves and knowing we had to be quick. I was on edge, listening to any signs from downstairs that they might suspect something; voices, steps, anything. But the risk we were taking felt elating, a thrill I had only felt once before during a very drunken shag in an elevator. We had both been too drunk to thoroughly enjoy that, but we weren't this time. It was becoming harder to stay quiet, the urge to moan loudly was growing. Needing to do something about that urge I hissed quietly into James' ear.

«God, James... Fuck. That feels so fucking good. You feel so fucking good inside me.» James let out another involuntary moan in response to my dirty whispers and buried his face against my shoulder. His thrusts became faster and more erratic. Iwas surprised to discover that my own dirty-talk turned me on even more, heightening the pleasure. So I kept doing it, barely aware of what I was whispering. «More, James. Fuck me harder James. Please. I'm going to come so hard on you. You're going to... make me.. come...» Whispering was becoming nearly impossible as the orgasm drew nearer, all my focus went into maintaining the friction between us and trying to keep quiet. James slipped a hand around me and grabbed hold of my bum, grinding franticly against me in an effort to push himself over the edge. I dug one foot into the mattress and bent the other leg, raising it towards my own body. The slight change in angle was enough to make me come with a few more thrusts. I buried my face against James' shoulder, desperately trying to silence myself and I seized up in my climax, digging fingernails deeply into James' shoulderblades. I felt James' teeth against my skin as he followed me into orgasm, shaking and twitching against me. The orgasm peaked and washed away far too quickly, like I knew it would, but it still left me feeling content. I had wanted James, wanted him for a quick fuck, and that was exactly what I had gotten. In the silence that followed while we were trying to catch our breaths I listened intently for sounds from downstairs. For a moment I had completely forgotten about Jeremy and Richard downstairs, totally lost in James and my search for release. Laughter and music flowed from the living room downstairs and I drew a sigh of relief.

«You are very... very... bad,» James breathed and gave me a lazy kiss on the neck before trying to pull his boxers and jeans back up.

«And you love me for it,» I whispered, helping him with his clothes. James was on all fours over me, studying my face through the dim light from the hallway as I buttoned his jeans and closed his belt. «There. I think maybe you should go back downstairs to our guests...» I said with a teasing smile when I had finished buttoning his jeans.

«I am feeling slightly used,» James said with a smirk, pushing me back against the mattress. «That's not a complaint, it's an obvervation.» He gave me another quick kiss then got out of bed. He stopped in the hallway, looking over himself and straightening his clothes before joining is mates downstairs. I smiled to myself as I watched him go, still enjoying my afterglow and my beer buzz. I closed my eyes and relaxed. From downstairs I could hear voices arguing amicably.

«God, James, you've been gone for ages!» Jeremy's distinct whining.

«He was just gone for five minutes...» Richard said, trying to be diplomatic.

«Shut up, I had to read her a bed time story,» James answered mysteriously, I could picture his sly smirk as I heard him say it. «Please tell me there's more beer?»

Chapter 33

That Wednesday I followed James down to Guildford. Privately I was a little nervous all of a sudden. Last time I had visited the studio I had been there as someone who had helped out on a shoot once, and as James' friend. But strictly a friend. I wondered what rumors was flying around in the crew, especially after James' had just taken off from Cardiff. Did everyone know? Or at least suspect? Whatever they knew, or thought they knew, me coming down to the studio with James again would pretty much confirm it. When we entered the barracks serving as production office I was greeted enthusiastically by Andy and some of the other people I vaguely remembered from last time.

«I had a day off, haven't started my new job yet, so I came along,» I smiled into a rather awkward silence. People were eyeing me and James a little curiously. Hammond bounded out the sofa and gave me a hug.

«You have a new job?» He asked enthusiastically.
«Yeah, at Queen Charlotte's Hospital, it's right by Hammersmith Hospital. Ward for prematurely born babies,» I smiled.

«Wow! Congratulations! That like... babies who are born too early, right? Must be rewarding,» he grinned, excited as ever. James and Richard were ushered into make-up and then went to the studio to read up on their scripts, Jezza burst through the door half an hour later and joined their reading session. I meandered around the studio, chatting to people in the crew or drooled over cars. I snapped a photo of an Aston Martin Virage on display, quickly uploading it to twitter. «I would marry it and have its babies. #AstonMartin». Just as I pressed send I felt familiar arms close around me from behind.

«Hello.»

«Hello,» I smiled, stuffing my phone into my pocket and turning around in his arms.

«You looked a little lonely,» he said, returning the smile. He pulled me in closer for a hug and just rested there, holding me against him. I closed my arms around him and buried my face against his jacket, completely forgetting that we were in a studio with crewmembers everywhere. James loosened his grip on me a little, but only to lean down and give me a kiss. A wolf-whistle came from somewhere in the depths of the studio. «Bloody teenagers,» James grumbled, rolling his eyes. I was surprised at this public display of affection, even though James had said he trusted the crew I wouldn't have expected this level of adoration from him at work. I gave him another kiss, nibbling teasingly at his bottom lip.

«James, you do know I'm standing next to an Aston, right?»

«Behave,» James said darkly, looking sternly at me. I just tossed my head coyly, giving him an evil smirk.

«God, you look like a painted whore,» I said after having studied him a little, spotting the foundation and powder the make-up lady had forced on him. James duck-laughter rang through the entire studio.

«I know..!» he said, still chuckling a little. «I hate this stuff. I better go, audience is about to be let in. Mmm, love you,» he said, giving me one last, lingering kiss then headed back towards Jezza and Richard at their little centre stage. I couldn't help but smile like an infatuated teenager as I watched him walk away, feeling giddy and in love. Jeremy's and Richard's laughs were ringing through the studio, I couldn't hear what they were saying but they were obviously taking the piss out of James about having gone all cuddly on me. A voice next to me almost made me jump out of my skin. Andy had sidled quietly up to me while I was busy staring at James.

«I can't believe I was right,» he said a little smugly, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked in the same direction as I was.

«Huh? Right? About what?» I looked around at Andy, confused.

«At the hospital in Syria. I said James was in love, remember? I was right!» Suddenly I remembered how Andy had joked about James being in love with me for bringing him a cup of proper tea.

«Lucky assumption,» I said, casting a side-long glance at Andy.

«Pff, lucky my arse. I know James pretty well,» he said simply, and left it at that.

«Yes, I guess you do.»

«I heard you two made a little appearance in the tabloids the other day.»

«Ugh, yeah..» I sighed, having temporarily forgotten about it. «That side of things is going to take some getting used to on my part.»

«If you're both serious about it you should just make a statement,» he waved. «Get it out of the way. James certainly doesn't seem to mind everyone knowing,» he added pointedly, obviously having seen our little display of affection.

«Well, I live with him now so... We're serious. We've talked about it, making a statement or something,» I nodded.

«You've moved in?» Andy's eyes widened in surprise and I just nodded. «Blimey, that's...»

«Fast? Unexpected? Unlike James?» I proffered.

«Yes.» He nodded, agreeing to all of it. «But then again, I've never seen him so happy. And that makes me happy.» Then he just wandered off, immedately going back to his role of being a producer. It somehow felt like a big step, this statement, like announcing an engagement or something. It felt strange having to make a public thing out of being in a relationship, about having to confirm it and make it official for everyone. But it was either that or more rumors that would just lead to the press becoming so curious we'd get hunted down by paparazzis. During the actual recording I stayed right at the back, just silently watching, giggling with the audience at scripted and unscripted jokes alike. Every now and then I felt like someone in the audience were studying me a little too intently, and I felt myself become more and more paranoid. Did they recognise me from that grainy photo in the paper? Or did they just wonder why I stood so relaxed at the back, seemingly not fussed about what was going on at the center of the room. Before I knew it the shoot was over and the audience was ushered out. I had kept well out of the way, not wanting any more rumours and newsstories. James let me drive home, happy to just sit and not have to concentrate for a while. He'd taken the Ferrari down, and I was always excited about driving that, it was just as exhilarating as the first time he let me drive it on our roadtrip in January. When we hit the motorway James suddenly broke the silence.

«Oh by the way, I got a text from my sister Sarah earlier, reminding me about this family birthday this weekend. My youngest niece turns.. erm... older...,» he finished vaguely, and I laughed.

«Oh James, you really are a horrible uncle,» I teased. «You don't even know how old she is! Where is it, Bristol?» James was born in Bristol and had they had moved around a lot, but I knew some of his family lived in Bristol now and that Sara was James' baby sister.

«Yeah, Bristol. Sunday afternoon, I said ages ago I'd come.»

«Oh, okay. You have to go then,» I smiled. «How long will you be gone for? Are you staying the night?» James hesitated a little before answering.

«Well, I was wondering if maybe you would want to come with me...?»

«Me?» I said loudly in surprise, not having even considered the possibility that I would be a part of a May family birthday. «Well, of course I'd like to, but... It's a family thing, isn't it? Your sisters and brother and your parents.... Wouldn't I be a little out of place? I wouldn't want to impose or.. intrude...»

«Well, yes, it is a family thing, but you're my girlfriend, I live with you, you're a big part of my life and I want them to meet you. Plus, I've met your entire family,» he said, rolling his eyes teasingly. «Parts of it in just my underpants!»

«Yeah, I know,» I said, failing to hide a giggle. «Of course I'd like to meet them, they're your family. Just... Do they even know about me?»

«Sarah knows I'm seeing someone, I think. She always knows when something is going on in my life, it's uncanny. Even if we just talk on the phone she can just... hear it in my voice, she has jedi mind tricks,» he muttered. I guffawed with surprised laughter.

«James, I'm amazed you even know the term 'jedi mind powers'!»

«I was 14 when the first Star Wars came out!» He argued and I raised my hands off the steering wheel for a brief second, showing my palms in a gesture of peace.

«Okay, all right. Just... call them, will you? Let them know you're bringing me, check if it's okay with them?»

«Yeah, I'll call Sarah later, let them all know you're coming,» he promised and put a hand on my knee. Silence fell as I grew anxious and worried about meeting James' family. Of course it was high time I met them, James and I were serious about each other and now we even lived together. I wanted to meet them, I was curious about his siblings and his parents, what kind of people they were and how they were as a family. And wondered if they would like me at all. Would they find it strange that I suddenly was living with James? And what would they say about our age difference, if anything at all? «You grew very quiet?» James suddenly pointed out.

«Hm? Oh, sorry. Just... I'm a little nervous about meeting your family,» I admitted honestly.

«Emily, I fell in love with you the minute I saw you. And so will they, don't worry.» His voice was calm and confident as he squeezed my knee comfortingly.

«James, the first minute you saw me, you saw five of me and barely knew your own name,» I pointed out mildly.

«And I fell in love with all five of you,» he said, knowing how cheesy he sounded. Suddenly a thought and a question popped into my head that I hadn't even considered until now, and before I could stop myself it fell out of my mouth.

«You were dating someone for quiet a while after I moved to London, though?» I didn't even know what possessed me to bring this up. We had never talked about it before, the subject just hadn't come up and I hadn't thought to ask. I threw a quick, sidelong glance at James before flicking my eyes back to the road. He seemed a little surprised, but I was relieved to see no annoyance or anger in his face.

«Yeah, I was,» he admitted with a regretful sigh. «It never was very serious, she was just... company and someone to distract me from feeling lonely and bored. Then I met you and everything changed. I wish I'd broken it off with her sooner, I kept seeing her when all I could think of was you, and that was unfair on her. I just hate disappointing people, I was worried I'd hurt her and didn't know how to tell her that I met... you.»

«Was she the angry woman on the phone that night we made pizzas?» The question had been lurking in the back of my mind ever since that night.

«Mmm,» he confirmed. «She was offended by the fact that I had chosen to spend one of my evenings off making food with a friend in stead of spending time with her. It didn't help that I somehow let slip that the friend I had over for food was a 'she'.»

«Aaw, James, you absolute pillock,» I chuckled, unable to bite back a laugh. «No wonder she was a bit cross.»

«I didn't care that she was, because you were there and I had such a good evening. It was you I wanted to spend my time with anyway, not her.» James hand found mine where it rested in my lap, and he interlaced his fingers with mine. We drove the rest of the way home in a comfortable silence. I didn't care that James had been dating someone, at the time we had just been friends and they had broken it off before James as much as kissed me. Privately I felt a little smug about what James had said, how I'd changed everything and how he'd thought about only me. Then I remembered the family birthday and began worrying again.

«You've bought your niece a gift, haven't you?»

«Oh cock,» James said loudly, frowning. «What the hell do you even buy for a ... little girl?»

«Emily, breathe.» I felt James' hand come to rest at the small of my back. I shifted my weight uneasily from one foot to the other, exhaling heavily, completely on edge. The entire day I had been a ball of nerves, running around the house like a maniac and trying on twenty different outfits. In the end James threatened that if I changed clothes one more time he was going to lock me in his garage. In an effort to soothe my nerves he'd let me drive to Bristol in the hope that it would give me something else to concentrate on. It had helped, at least a little. But now, as I found myself by the front door of James' sister's house, the nerves came back with full force. «Everything will be just fine.» James leaned in and nuzzled his face against my cheek, kissing it lightly. Just as he did the front door tore open and a blonde woman whom I guessed was one of his sisters just by family resemblance stared at us.

«Ooh, hello,» she said with a meaningful smirk, eyes darting between the two of us. I blushed furiously and wanted to dive into the nearest bush.

«Hello, Sarah,» James said with a sigh of brotherly exasperation. «Sarah, meet Emily. Emily, meet my younger sister Sarah.» We shook hands and she smiled widely at me.

«Come in, come in!» She waved us inside eagerly. The house was filled with voices and laughter and that typical scent of coffee that permeated all family gatherings. Just as the door closed behind us two girls came running from another room, obviously busy playing chase.

«Hi uncle James!» The younger one said loudly, waving at him as she was about to run past. Then she stopped in her tracks so abruptly that the one chasing after her knocked into her. «Uncle, who's that?» She asked, pointing at me.

«Oh, this is Emily, she's my.. um...» James began, not quite knowing how to tell his nieces who I was.

«I'm Emily, I'm his girlfriend,» I said with a smile, knowing full well that these girls were old enough to know what a girlfriend was. They stared from James to me, then to each other with wide-eyed awe and horror.

«Uncle James has a girlfriend?!» The older one said with a frown, somewhere between disbelief and genuine surprise. It was obvious that they were used to think of Uncle James as the eternal bachelor. The younger one dove into the living room.

«Hey, guys, uncle James has a girlfriend!» She announced loudly, still with that tone of disbelief.

«Yes, darling, we know,» Sarah said, managing to sound both stern, exasperated and amused. I giggled as I trailed after James into the livingroom, but bit my lip to try and hide it from the girls. «I'm sorry...» Sarah began embarrassedly.

«Oh don't worry about it,» I waved her down with a smile. «Kids will be kids.» I did the rounds, shaking hands with everyone, desperately trying to connect names to faces. His sisters, his brother and his parents I could remember, but the spouses and children were just a blur. I felt awkward and flustered as they all stared at me, studying me intently, I felt like a circus seal and they were all waiting for me to balance a ball on my nose. Gratefully I sank down on a chair and tried to relax a little, focusing on my cup of coffee. They resumed their banter, but I knew that sooner or later the conversation was going to focus on me again. I kept quiet, happy to just sit and be left in peace. In a dip in the conversation Sarah looked pointedly at me, then cleared her throat.

«So Emily, I seem to remembar James saying something about you not being from England?» She asked, eyes narrowing as she looked at me.

«Oh god, can't you hear that I'm not?» I raised my eyebrows in surprise. «I'm from Norway, actually.»

«And how did you two meet? James hasn't told us anything!» James' mum asked, eyes flitting between her son and me. All eyes turned towards us and the blush crept up my neck again. I looked up at James pleadingly, hoping he would tell the story.

«Well, I.. Remember that Top Gear episode when were in the Middle East? When I fell over and hit my head a bit?» He began.

«Oh god, don't even mention it!» James mum squawked loudly. «I absolutely hated seeing that, it looked so awful! You could've gotten badly hurt! Or died!» She continued, looking genuinely distressed. James raised a hand in an effort to calm his mother.

«You should thank Emily that none of those things happened,» James said. He sent me a look filled with someone I couldn't quite define, was it pride? Was he proud of me? «She was the nurse who took care of me at the hospital in Damascus. She was there doing humanitarian work at the hospital with um.. Red Cross, was it?» James looked sidelong at me and I nodded. «After leaving Syria she moved to London to study some more and work as a nurse, and we... Kept in touch,» James finished, thinking the rest of the story sort of told itself.

«Syria? You went there to work? God, I never would've dared that, that sounds so dangerous!» James' mum observed.

«Study? What did you study?» James' elder sister Jane looked at me interestedly.

«I wanted to get a diploma in tropical nursing. Most humanitarian organisations require that health workers have it if they're to work in third world countries. I decided to take it here as it was part-time and not as expensive as in Norway. I've completed it now, though.»

«Tropical nursing?» Jane repeated,

«Yes, it's about tropical diseases, parasites, vaccinations and medication, prevention of HIV, malaria and other diseases, sanitation... It's related to travel medicine. Seeing as more and more people travel to exotic places and we get more and more immigrants, it's a useful field to know something about. Even if I never go back to Africa or Asia to work.» Stop ranting. Emily, stop ranting right now, you're boring them out of their skulls.

«Sounds interesting!» Sarah said, and I was relieved to hear a note of sincerity in her voice. «You mentioned Africa – have you been there too?»

«Well, yes...» I said hesistantly. «That was ages ago, I was 19, I went with this microfinance foundation. Went to Kenya and Uganda, visited slums, orphanages, centres for street kids, children's prisons..»

«Prison for children? How awful!» James' mum gasped. I knew to pause at this part, someone always commented on the horror of a children's prison.

«Well, yes,» I sighed, trying not to remember it too vividly. «The whole trip was an eye-opener, really gives you some perspective in life.»

«God, I can imagine...» Sarah breathed, eyes wide. «And now? Are you working as a nurse in London?»

«Yeah, I'm just starting a new job next week,» I said, smiling as I remembered that I had gotten such a great job. «It's at a prematurity clinic a few miles north of Hammersmith.» The women around the table drew heartfelt sighs at the mention of prematurely born babies.

«Nurse, humanitarian work, Red Cross, slums in Africa, premature babies.. James, you're dating Mother Theresa!» David said and gave his brother a teasing smile.

«Oh god, no I'm not,» I said shaking my head and biting back a laugh, feeling myself growing hot around the ears again. «I just... I like helping people,» I finished humbly.

«She's good at it, too,» James said and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. «She took very good care of me in Syria. I had such an awful day, nearly cracked my head open, it was too bloody hot and dusty and you wouldn't believe the headache I had. Then she walks in, hands me a cup of tea and just like that, everything is all right. And not just any old cup of tea, it was PG Tips!» He caressed my upper arm. The love I saw in James' eyes made me forget that his whole family was watching us and I returned the look, smiling a little.

«Aaw, you two are just too cute!» Jane said, clapping her hands excitedly. It was James' turn to blush a little. The May family considered themselves done with the interrogation for now, and I drew a sigh of relief. James sensed it and squeezed my shoulders a little before letting me go. The rest of the afternoon went by with the blowing of candles, the eating of cake and the unwrapping of presents. I was quite happy to just sit back and keep to the background, taking part in the conversation whenever it felt natural. The kids were loud and silly, high on sugar and enjoying the attention from their entire family. As the afternoon passed I felt myself loosen up a little, the atmosphere around the table was relaxed, full of laughter and happy banter. Oddly enough it made me miss my own family. Eventually James worldlessly held out his watch for me, showing me the time and we quietly decided it was time to get back to London. The family protested loudly until they heard my excuse of having my first shift at the hospital the next morning. James' mum caught us up while we were in the hallway, having just put on our shoes and jackets.

«James, dear, I almost forgot, I made you fruitcake!» She said a little breathlessly, shoving a plastic container into his hands. Once again I had to bite my lip not to laugh, remembering how James had been complaining over Christmas about his jeans getting too tight. But I also knew how much he loved his mums' fruitcake.

«Thanks, mum,» he said gratefully, and for a moment I could clearly see them as mother and son. Then she turned her attention to me, putting a hand on my shoulder.

«Oh and Emily, sweetheart, it was so nice meeting you,» she said in that sweet, motherly fashion only mums are capable of.

«Aw, thank you, Mrs. May...» I said a little flustered, growing hot around the ears again. «It's been really nice meeting all of you, too.»

«Good luck at your first shift tomorrow, too,» she added, and I froze up when she gave me a quick hug. Then she wrapped her arms around her son. «James, get her home safely!»

«Captain Slow, mum!» James reminded her exasperatedly, patting her back. She waved us out the door and we got into the car, wordlessly agreeing that James was driving home. It took about two minutes before the silence had driven me up the wall.

«James, say something!» I said abruptly. James jumped in the driver's seat.

«About what?» He asked, genuinely having no clue what I was so worked up over.

«Your family! What do they think about me? How did I do? Did I act like an idiot?!» I babbled. James gave me a quick, sidelong glance. Then he broke out laughing, loudly and sincerely. I played back what I had just said in my head, realising I had sounded like an absolute nutter.

«I'm sorry, I'm just a bit on edge...»

«Neurotic, more like. I thought I was neurotic!» James said, still laughing. I tried to laugh with him, but the laughter died quickly in my throat. «Since when do you care so much about being liked?»

«James, they're your family! Of course it matters what they think about me!»

«I love you, that's what matters,» he said stubbornly.

«Oh goooood,» I whined, leaning forwards and wrapping my arms around my knees, hiding my face. «It went that badly?»

«Oh Emily, stop being ridiculous.» I felt James' hand on my back, stroking it gently. «That wasn't what I meant at all. Of course they liked you, why shouldn't they?» Encouraged by this I sat up again, looking over at James.

«You think?» I bit my lip insecurely.

«Yes, I think so. My mum definitely liked you. Awfully nice as she is, she isn't in the habit of calling people she's just met for 'sweetheart'.»

«I noticed that. You call me sweetheart,» I smiled, feeling a little better.

«Because that's what you are. See, even my mum could see that.»

«You're awfully cute when you're all... mushy,» I said, running a hand quickly over his cheek. «But thank you.»

«You were awfully quiet, though?»

«Yeah, I just... I do that when I meet new people, I kind of need to... get a feel for people. And I hate to be thought of as an awful chatterbox.»

«When I met you, you couldn't stop talking!» James teased.

«I had to keep you awake or you would have died,» I said flatly and he chuckled.

«Stop worrying, Emily,» he said, patting my knee gently. «You think far too little of yourself, you always have.»

«You're right though,» I admitted, lacing my fingers with his. «You love me, and that is the important thing. And I love you.» I rested back against the seat and closed my eyes, feeling relieved that the meeting was over and reassured by James' words. Before long I was asleep.