Chapter 58

Richard was still sleeping soundly when I woke up. My restless legs made it impossible to get any more sleep, so I quietly snuck out of bed, put on a pair of jeans and padded downstairs. At first I let the dogs out into the garden, then set about making breakfast. Right on time, Richard appeared in the kitchen doorway, tousle-haired and yawning.

«Perfect timing! Breakfast is ready!» I smiled.

«Something smells... incredible,» he observed, sitting down on a barstool by the kitchen counter.

«You see, in our house, if someone is feeling a bit under the weather... We make banana pancakes!» I announced, flopping a pancake onto Richard's plate. «And if things get really bad.... We have chocolate sauce on it,» I continued, making a smiley on his pancake with the chocolate.

«Wooooow!» Richard exclaimed, smiling from ear to ear. Grabbing his knife and fork he dove into his pancake. Still with his mouth full he mumbled: «I have never been more jealous of James in my entire life.»

«Actually, he's better at making them than me. I don't know what he does, he refuses to tell me,» I said as I sat down to eat. Richard didn't have time to talk at all while he munched his way through the stack of pancakes. Finished eating, he straightened up and looked at me.

«Ems, I have to ask... Are you going to tell James about... what happened?»

«Honestly, I don't know. I'm not sure I see the point. It was just a few kisses, and I think telling him will do more hurt than good, frankly.» After Richard had fallen asleep the night before I had given it some thought. I felt guilty for what had happened. The fact that Richard had kissed me wasn't my fault, but I had kissed him back, and I hadn't pushed him away instantly, and that fact kept niggling at me. But should I tell James, just to relieve my own guilty conscience? What would that confession do to him, and to our relationship, not to mention the friendship between him and Richard? Would it do him any good at all to know? I hated the thought of keeping secrets from him, but this one just seemed so unimportant in the major scheme of things.

«I know what you mean...» Richard agreed. «And in any case, if he should know about it, he should hear it from me and not you. It was my fault, it's me he should be angry with, not you, you don't deserve that.»

«I don't know about that...» I mumbled, feeling another wave of guilt.

«Oh stop it. I started it, I was the bastard here. Besides, you have your pregnant hormones to blame. I don't have any excuse.»

«You have a penis?» I smirked, and Richard nodded slowly, considering this as an excuse. There was a little silence as Richard fiddled with his own hands. When he finally looked up from the floor he shot me a mischievous look, grinning boyishly.

«At least I got to kiss you, find out what that was like,» he said proudly. I couldn't help but laugh as I shook my head exasperatedly, patting his knee. Then, not quite knowing what got into me I leaned forwards and gave him a slow, considered kiss, the last one I would ever give him.

«You'll get over it,» I said as I pulled back, patting his knee again. Richard looked at me, wide-eyed and with his mouth hanging open.

«No, I won't. You taste like chocolate-banana-pancakes. I can't get over that!» he complained. Then we both broke out laughing, somehow it had managed to break whatever uncomfortable tension there had been between us. Richard sighed sadly. «James is such a lucky man. He better remember that. If he doesn't, I'll be sure to remind him,» he said firmly.

«Thank you,» I smiled as I slid off the barstool and began clearing up the kitchen. Contrary to the previous day the sun was shining outside, it was a crisp and clear November-day and we decided to take the dogs for a long walk before I headed back to London.

“Do you know when Mindy is coming home?” I asked as I stood in the hallway, bag by my feet, ready to leave.

“Hopefully tonight, the girls have school tomorrow,” he shrugged, looking so upset and lost I felt bad for leaving him.

“Then she will, she won't let this affect the girl's everyday life. When she gets back, just... talk to her. More importantly, listen to her, try to figure out what she's really trying to say.”

“Okay...” Richard nodded sadly.

“And if you need someone to talk to, just give me a ring. Any time. Okay?”

“You sure?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course. I care about you, and about Mindy. And as I said, I'm always there for my mates,” I assured him. He nodded again and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly.

“Thank you. For.. everything,” he said quietly, and gave me a lingering kiss on the cheek before letting me go. “Drive safely. Take care of yourself, yeah? And the baby,” he smiled, trying to push away his own sadness.

“I will,” I nodded as I slipped on my jacket and headed out into the car, headed back home.

The next week I took on a few extra shifts at the hospital, taking care to not tell James about it. I needed the week to go by faster, I was restless and missed James a lot, and in stead of obsessing about it I decided to just occupy myself. Richard sent texts or called me a few times, needing some support or advice, even if he and Mindy had had some good talks when she had returned, and things seemed to have calmed down somewhat. The guilt of what had happened between him and me came and went, but I stuck to my decision of not telling James. I couldn't bear the thought of how he might react. It would hurt him, disappoint him, anger him...

The day James was coming home his flight didn't land until closer to midnight. I knew that if I tried to stay awake I would just pass out on the sofa anyway, my pregnancy was still causing me to be constantly tired. Hence I thought it best to just crawl into bed and sleep until he came home. I was woken by a warm cheek against mine, then a kiss to the mouth. James was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning over me. I had given him strict orders to wake me up when he came home, and he hadn't dared disobey me.

“Hi, sweetheart,” I said groggily and wrapped heavy arms around him, hugging him back. “Welcome home.”

“Hello... Mm, I've missed you,” he hummed against my neck. He gave me another kiss before straightening up a little. I barely saw him through the light from the hallway and I turned on the bedside lamp, squinting to focus on him.

“I've missed you too,” I smiled.

“I need a shower.. Then I'll come join you,” he said, also smiling.

“Okay, baby...” I watched him as he got up and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. A minute of silence, then I heard the shower going. For a while I just lay there listening to the splashes of water from the bathroom, feeling how calmness spread throughout me now that I knew James was home again. Stretching a little I tried to wake myself up, not wanting to fall asleep again before he was back. I heaved myself out of bed and pulled on my top, then shuffled downstairs to get myself a drink. Having gotten a bottle of water out of the fridge I flicked on the iPad lying on the counter, quickly checking my mail and twitter while I drank. When I returned upstairs James was sitting in bed, glasses on his nose and phone in hand, obviously reading through his own mails and tweets. Hearing my footsteps he looked at me over the top of his glasses.

“There you are,” he smiled, taking his glasses off and putting his phone down. Looking at me he frowned a little, then stretched out an arm towards me. “Hey, come here.” While I padded over the bedroom floor James kept looking at me, the expression on his face one I hadn't seen before, impenetrable and mysterious. As I reached him he put his palm on my stomach. “Look at you...” he said quietly, his eyes shooting up to look into mine before returning to my tummy.

“Yeah, I know... I woke up one day and suddenly there was this... baby bump!” I said, throwing my arms out in mock surprise. James looked equally terrified, gob smacked and excited as he stared unblinkingly at me. My waist had gone through a little growth spurt while James had been away, I had happened so quickly I hadn't noticed it until suddenly some of my tightest pairs jeans wouldn't fit one morning. Crawling into bed I climbed over James and laid down, looking up at him. Leaning on one elbow he laid on his side, still mesmerized by the little bump on my tummy. “It's still pretty easy to hide with clothes...” I said as I pulled up my shirt and traced my palms over it. “I've felt pregnant for a while already, you know? Nauseous, tired, hormonal...”

“...Horny...” James added with a quiet chuckle.

“Yes, yes!” I said impatiently, blushing a little at the reminder. “But I haven't seen the difference before, not until now, and that's... strange.”

“When I left two weeks ago I couldn't see it at all. It makes it a lot more... real,” James admitted, glancing quickly at me.

“And more scary?” I asked kindly, running my hand through his hair.

“Hmm, no. It's already scary,” he said with a smile. “But... I like it, too.” Lying down he rested his head on my shoulder. His warm, big palm was on my tummy again, protective and tender, getting to know this new shape my body was taking. I sighed happily and kissed his forehead, enjoying his caresses and his weight against me. “Can you... feel anything yet?” He asked, always looking timid and shy when he asked me anything about the pregnancy, as if he was asking about something too personal or private.

“Mno, it's too early I think. First timers rarely feel anything until they're past week 20, maybe closer to 25. That's what I've read anyway. The thought of having something alive, moving inside me... I might blow a gasket the day I feel that, to be honest.” At this admission James laughed loudly.

“I really can't blame you if you do, I would too!” He agreed.

“A mate of mine back in Norway was genuinely terrified of pregnant women.”

“What? Why?” James looked at me, frowning.

“I guess he'd seen the Alien-movies one time too many, you know? He was expecting a little monster to burst out of there, I think.” James laughed loudly again, shaking his head.

“You had really odd mates,” he chuckled, looking up at me.

“Mm. But I like odd. That's why I'm with you,” I teased, pulling him closer and looking into his eyes. “I've missed you.”

“I've missed you, too,” he said quietly, leaning in and giving me a long, considerate kiss. A pang went through me as I had a sudden flashback to the hallway, to the feeling of Richard's hands on me, his lips on mine. Not because I preferred that, or missed it. I didn't know why, maybe because being kissed by James reminded me of it, and the guilt shot through me once again. I kissed him back a little hurriedly and pulled back, clearing my throat.

“How was your flight, then?”

“It was okay... I slept most of the way. Now I don't know if it's night or day, and I doubt I'll be able to sleep any time soon,” he grumbled.

“That's... inexperienced of you,” I teased. “Haven't you been to the states enough to have learned not to do that by now?”

“I probably should have,” he sighed. “Going there I'm always fine, but coming back I'm jet-lagged for bloody weeks!”

“I know, I was the same way when I went to California ages ago.”

“So you know what it's like! Then be nice and understanding and stay awake with me,” he pouted.

“Aaw, I'm sorry, pumpkin,” I apologised and rubbed my nose against his. We stayed up talking for a long time, mostly I let James talk about his trip to America while I listened quietly, playing absent-mindedly with his long hair. Lying next to James in our bed, having his arms around me and his hands caressing me, suddenly made me feel incredibly guilty for what had happened with Richard, much more than I thought it would. Privately I was fighting with myself, trying to reassure myself that the guilt would fade away, that telling him would do more bad than good, but I couldn't shake it. Eventually James picked up on it, and his constant flow of words ground to a halt.

“You're being very quiet? Tired?” He asked, yanking me out of my preoccupied silence.

“What? No, not tired, just... thinking.”

“Something you want to talk about?” He asked after a moments hesitation.

“That's... what I’m trying to figure out, actually,” I admitted.

“Okay? That sounds a little... disconcerting...” James said, frowning a little.

“I just... don't know if I should tell you. Or even if it's my place to tell you. I'd have to break some confidences to tell you the whole story, and... Frankly I'm worried that telling you and being honest will just do more damage than it'll do good.”

“If that was meant to reassure me in any way, it really didn't...” James said, looking insecure and scared now.

“I know, honey, I'm sorry...” Feeling restless and awkward I sat up in bed and crossed my legs. James sat up too, resting his back against the headboard, keeping quiet and waiting for me to start talking. I didn't even know where to begin, inwardly I was panicking and for some reason my brain decided to solve it by blurting out the worst thing first.

“Richard kissed me, James.” The silence following these words were immense. James blinked rapidly a few times, shaking his head a fraction, as if he thought he'd gone mad.

“He did?” He said in a voice that sounded completely alien for him.

“He... kissed me. Last weekend when I went up to Herefordshire... Mindy and the girls weren't home. At first Richard said they were just gone for the weekend, you know, visit Mindy's parents.” James just nodded slowly, brows furrowed and not looking at me, trying to take it in. “Turns out they'd had a massive fight and she'd taken the girls with her, said she'd needed to get away. They've apparently been having some problems lately, and it's just gotten worse. And Richard, he was just... upset and confused and.. I don't know, desperate for some comfort I guess.”

“... So he kissed you.” He repeated dazedly, still grappling with that fact.

“Yeah, he did...” I nodded slowly, fiddling with the sheets. “He was... torn up over it, after it happened, and really sorry. He said that if anyone should tell you it should be him because he felt he was the one you should be mad at, not me.”

“Was he drunk?” James asked feebly, as he was trying to search for some redeeming aspects to his best mate's behaviour.

“Mno, we'd just come in from off-roading.” I eyed James nervously, wondering what was going on in his head. When he didn't say anything I felt the need to keep talking. “I think he was just... Scared, and feeling lonely, and.. well, being very upset. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, and maybe I am, but... I kind of understand him, you know? We've all done stupid and illogical things when feeling like that, at least I know I have.” James still didn't say anything, just looked at me quickly then looked away again, his mind obviously racing. Unable to bear it any longer I took his hand. “James, tell me what you're thinking? Either you're taking this unnervingly well or is this just the quiet before the storm?” I asked, squeezing his hand a little.

“I'm just... very surprised” he said, frowning more at himself than anything else.

“When it happened, I was so.. shocked and surprised, I completely froze, I.. pushed him away, but not right away...” I warbled, my bottom lip trembling. James hadn't raised his voice or said one hostile word so far, and even so the guilt seemed to be tearing me apart. “For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about it. And I know he is, too...”

“Hey, hey, hey...” James said quietly, taking my hand and squeezing it, making me look at him. Whatever he saw in my eyes, guilt or remorse or shame, made him sit up straight and wrap his arm around me, pulling me close.

“I'm sorry...” I sobbed, closing my eyes and burying my head against his shoulder, hiding away from him.

“It's okay, Emily, I'm not angry with you, I promise...” He reassured me calmly, squeezing me tighter. Tears still streaming down my face I sniffed loudly, looking up at him.

“...no?” I squeaked, unable to hide the disbelief in my own voice. At this James even chuckled a little.

“Yes, I know, even I think it's a little strange! But no, I'm not angry,” he repeated, kissing my wet cheek once. “I've known Richard has a soft spot for you for a while now, I've known him long enough to know when he gets... infatuated with someone. He doesn't hide it well, and he does it often. I didn't think he'd act on it, mind.”

“But... How can you not be mad? If it was me I'd be seething with jealous,” I admitted.

“Of course I'm jealous. But I also know you're sorry about it. And at least you told me and were honest, even if I know you probably had decided not to tell me initially.” At this my head shot up from James' shoulder.

“And even knowing that, you're not mad?” I asked incredulously.

“No... Because I know the reason why you didn't want to tell me was to protect me. But you decided to be honest with me instead, and I really appreciate that.” For a moment I just stared at James, utterly gob-smacked.

“I... You... I couldn't have fallen in love with a better man,” I sniffed, collapsing into him and wrapping my arms around him. He hugged me tight and kissed the side of my head.

“Want to know the truth, Emily?” James mumbled, feeling the need to be completely honest himself.

“Mm,” I hummed, too busy enjoying his hug and the relief washing through me to register what he had really said.

“Richard called me the day after you went home, telling me about.. everything,” James said, still hugging me. I froze and sat up, shooting him an incredulous stare. “Well, he didn't mention his marriage problems, but I've suspected that something was up, even if he hasn't said something to me about it. But he admitted to kissing you, the guilt was driving him up the wall. And like you said, he felt like he should take the brunt of it, not you.” After a moment's silence in which I just stared at him, he cleared his throat and spoke again. “So I've.. had a little time to think about it. At first I was upset and jealous and all the rest of it, but... I know Richard, what he's like... He did a mistake, we all make those, and now he's said sorry and tried to make up for it. And with what you just told me it's easier to understand why it happened.”

“What did Richard say was the reason it happened?”

“I think his exact words was 'I have a stupid crush on your girlfriend and thought with the wrong head.' Or something to that effect.” James barely managed to keep a straight face as he recounted this, and I giggled. “Wouldn't be the first time he let his penis do his thinking for him,” James added with amused exasperation. “Richard also told that you didn't want to tell me, and the reasons behind it. So I was a little surprised that you did.”

“I'm sorry, I just... I was so scared of how you'd react, and I hated the thought of hurting you or.. disappointing you and..” James held up a hand to stop me rambling excuses.

“It's okay, I understand. You wanted to protect me, and you wanted to protect Richard. I get it,” he said kindly. Again I found myself staring at him, dumbfounded at his calmness, his understanding and his wisdom.

“I'll say it again, I couldn't have fallen in love with a better man. I can't believe how well you're handling all of this...”

“You know, I can handle things well, emotionally, if I just... get some time to process it first,” James said, half-joking. “Besides... Richard is a skirt-chaser and you're hopped up on horny hormones, I'm just thankful you two didn't shag each other!”

“Don't even joke about that!” I said, punching him weakly in the shoulder. Then I collapsed into him again, wrapping my arms around him and showering him with kisses. “It's you I want, anyway. And only you.”

Chapter 57

I woke early the next morning, my legs tingling. Over the last week my legs had become increasingly restless in the mornings, and there was nothing for it but to get up and walk. The house was still dead quiet. Sensing that Richard might need to catch up on some sleep I got dressed, snuck downstairs and took the pack of dogs on a morning walk. I left Richard a note, promising I hadn't kidnapped them. Having only ever owned one dog at a time in my life, walking four of varying sizes was a new and trying experience, but I enjoyed the fresh air and being around lots of animals again. Returning from the grey, miserable November-morning outside I met Richard in the kitchen, he had evidently just gotten up.
«Hello!» He greeted his dogs as they all ran towards him to say good morning. He hunkered down and scratched them all, talking midly at them. «Emily is pretty neat, huh? She gets up early to take you guys for a walk! We like this houseguest, don't we guys?»
«I woke up early, was restless,» I shrugged and shivered a little, still cold from having been outside. «It's miserable out there, grey and... british.»
«It rained last night. Perfect for mudding!» Richard said happily, and started on breakfast. We ate quickly, packed lunch, dressed warmly and threw ourselves in the old, battered Land Rover. Richard drove along disused country and forest roads, aiming for any mudhole, creek or rock he could lay his eyes on. He jabbered constantly, excitedly explaining various techniques and principles of mudding, wading and whatever else. He was just as eager about letting me have a go, and calmly guided me up craggy hills and through what felt like gigantic rivers while I squealed with fearful joy. We laughed a lot, playing around and having fun, joking and teasing each other like schoolkids. Of course we got ourselves stuck wheel-deep in muck, and since Richard was driving he ordered me outside to see if there was any way out of it, or if we had to shove pieces of wood or rocks behind the tires to try to get any sort of grip. By the time we had gotten out of that hole I was covered in mud nearly head to toe. Richard poked his head out of the open window and guffawed with laughter, still more or less perfectly clean. Quickly he took a photo of me with his camera and told me to get back in. When he had finished tapping on his phone, my own phone pinged with a tweet, complete with photo of me. 'Offroading with @emily, the infinitely better half of @mrjamesmay. I'm sorry mate, I mucked her up a bit.' In the photo you could hardly distinguish me from the muddy road I was standing on, as I was mostly the same colour. Getting back in the car I warmed up, the mud turning into sand as it dried out. Having gotten the hang of it, and finding it fun, I soon ushered Richard out of the driver's seat, wanting to drive more. Finding a particularly gnarly road I drove into what looked like the deepest part, ignoring Richard's incessant shouting, and pretended to get stuck. Richard sighed and grumbled before getting out of the car.
«Hang on, I'll see how bad it is.» Following him with my eyes in the rear-view mirror as he rounded the car I hit the accelerator as he was exactly behind the car, spraying him with mud. I heard him squeal and then swear heartily, and when he reached the driver's door I broke out laughing. He looked just as bad as me now.
«I'm sorry, I thought I heard you say that I should try to put my foot down!» I said, trying to look innocent but failing miserably, my poker-face had always been just as bad as James'. Of course he didn't buy it. While Richard tried to shake the worst of the mud off it was my turn to tweet a photo of him. '@MrJamesMay I got my revenge.' Now that both of us, and the car, were all the same muddy uni-color, we decided that our mission was accomplished and called it a day.

Returning to the house we entered through a sidedoor, coming into what looked like the biggest laundry room I had ever seen.
«This room is handy for whenever any of us or the dogs are... well, as mucky as we look now. Tiled, heated floor, easy to clean and we can just throw everything right into the washing machine. Well, apart from the dogs,» Richard explained. I got out of my mucky wellies and looked down myself, pulling a face. «Just... get out of your wet clothes and leave them here, I'll throw them in the washer later. I can go outside while you.. » he began, gesturing to the door, trying to be a gentleman.
«It's just legs, Richard, you've seen legs before,» I scoffed as I got out of my jacket, then my sodden trousers and socks.
«They're... very good legs,» he observed as he got out of his own mucky clothes, leaving just his t-shirt and boxers on.
«I haven't wanted a shower this badly since when I was in Syria and we had no water for a week!» I said as I padded barefoot through the kitchen, heading for the guest-bathroom upstairs in just my knickers and a top. Richard followed close behind.
«Emily...» Richards hand closed around my wrist, pulling me backwards. Suddenly I was pinned up against the wall, and Richard's hands were on either side of my face, his lips on mine, kissing me passionately. The shock of it paralysed me, making me unable to stop him or push him away. To my horror I realised I was even kissing him back.
«What are you doing?» I huffed between kisses. They were so different from James', playful and full of lust. Still holding my head in his hands Richard pulled back an inch.
«Kissing you,» he said breathlessly. «I have to know what it's like, I've been driving myself mad, wondering.» Before I had time to process what he had said, let alone think of a response, his lips were on mine again. I huffed against his mouth, not knowing what to do with my own hands. This was all kinds of wrong, yet part of me didn't want to stop.
«Richard, we can't...» I said, hearing the feebleness in my own voice. Richard ignored my lame protests, moving his kisses over my jaw and neck.
«Tell me 'no' and I'll stop...» he challenged, breathing against my skin. Surprised I realised my hand was tangled in his short hair and my other arm was wrapped around his waist.
«You're married, you have kids... I have James...» Richard ignored all of these arguments, continuing to kiss and lick the side of my neck and shoulder. His hands, which had been on the walls either side of me, pinning me to the spot, now traveled down my sides and over my hips. I shuddered as I felt his fingertips reach the top of my bare thighs. His hands were smaller than James', their touch different. God damn it, why was this so hard to put an end to? I was fighting an all out war with myself. Richards body pressed against mine, his lips, his hands on me, all of it had ignited that overwhelming arousal and excitement in me that was so easy to awaken these days. It was muddling my brain, making me weak. I wanted him, I was curious as to what it would be like. «Richard, stop... This is wrong...» His mouth traveled up my neck again, grazing that sensitive spot that caused me to shudder and give an involuntary wince.
«You're still not telling me no...» he observed, then found my mouth again. His tongue grazed by bottom lip, and as if I was standing next to myself with no real control I watched in horror as I opened my mouth to him, running my tongue against his. I was losing this battle, and fast. Richards palms were rubbing my hips firmly, and I found myself half wishing that he'd slip them inside my knickers, that he would touch my skin, I wanted his palms on me. Instead of doing as I wished, his hand travelled up my body. As I felt his palm against my tummy, I had a sudden and vivid flash of what it felt like to have James palm there, his tender, gentle hands caressing me and the baby growing in me. That gave me the strength to push him away.
«Richard, no. I love James!» I said, my chest heaving. «And you love Mindy. This is wrong.» As I pierced him with an angry, shocked look it was as if all the air went out of him, his shoulders sagged and he hung his head in shame.
«Jesus, Emily...» he began. He took a step towards me and I was prepared to push him away again, but stopped myself when all he did was bury his face against my shoulder and wrap his arms around me. All the heated urgency was gone from his voice and his body. «I'm so, so sorry, I don't know what came over me. Just... please, don't hate me, Emily, please? I can't believe I did that, I'm really sorry, I'm such a clot..» His face was still hidden against my shoulder, hiding away from me while pleading for forgiveness. There was so much remorse, shame and sadness in that voice that my heart went out to him.
«Oh, Richard...» I sighed, feeling the anger and defensiveness recede as quickly as it had flared up. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him briefly before pushing him away, forcing him to look at me. «It's all right, I'm not angry... You just a weak moment, you know? We both did. A very, very... weak moment,» I sighed, blushing as I found myself looking him up and down. My heart was still racing, the fire still burning within me and a horny devil in my head was urging me to jump his bones again. «Lets just... go have a shower. Separate showers, mind, and very very cold ones. And we should get some bloody clothes on, and then we'll... talk about this, okay? Whatever the hell that was,» I rambled, gesturing to the empty air between us.
«Yeah, I... Um... Yeah, cold shower, we should do that,» Richard was flustered and awkward, avoiding my gaze. Gesturing towards the stairs he kept rambling. «I'll... go away now, quickly, and.. Yeah...» My eyes tracked him as he ascended the stairs, my heart still hammering. I wasn't angry with him, even the shock had started to wane a little. Realising that the reason I was still shaking was uncontrollable lust I huffed with frustration and stomped upstairs and into the guest bathroom. Desperately needing a release I ended up having a very private and rather enjoyable moment in the shower. I knew that if I didn't do anything about it, if I didn't get this out of my system one way or another I would never be able to clear my head and have a normal conversation with Richad.

Half an hour I returned downstairs and found Richard in the living room. The telly was on but he wasn't watching, but stared blankly into space, evidently lost in thought. Noticing me in the corner of his eyes he looked up at me for a fraction of a second before averting his eyes. He was ridden with shame and guilt, fiddling nervously with his hands. I stopped in the doorway, leaning against the frame.
«You all right?» I asked kindly.
«No, not really, no...» he shrugged, still not looking at me. Making my way across the living-room floor I sat down next to him on the sofa.
«Richard, listen... I'm not angry with you, I promise,» I assured him, placing my hand on his arm and squeezing it gently. «I don't have any right to be, I kissed you back for fucks sake.» At this Richard's eyes flicked up to mine briefly. «I'm a little suprised though, I'll admit.»
«God, you must think I'm such an... arse,» Richard sighed, rubbing his face.
«No,» I said honestly. «I'm just wondering why you kissed me.»
«Because I... I'm so damn attracted to you. I have been for a while, I guess. Every time I spend any amount of time with you I can't get you out of my head for days. I'm just.. fascinated by you.» As Richard said this I blinked a few times, surprised and a little flattered. I kept my mouth shut, sensing that Richard had more on his mind. He squirmed and fidgeted some more, trying to find the right words. «And I guess I'm a little jealous.»
«Jealous?» I frowned.
«Jealous of what James have, what you two have in each other. You two are so madly, head over heels in love, unable to keep your hands off each other. Being so... consumed by somebody, having that tension that makes everything feel electric... I miss that passion, being that wrapped up in someone else. I just wanted that.»
«Oh, Richard... James and I have our ups and downs, just like every other couple! Some days I want to poke him in the eye with a fork just for breathing. Besides, we haven't even been together a year, we're still in that... honeymoon phase, I guess. All relationships tend to be intense and all-consuming in the beginning. You and Mindy had that phase too, I'm sure?»
«Yeah, I guess... It just seems like a very long time ago,» Richard said, and he looked up at me with a sadness I had never seen in him before. Now we were getting to the root of the problem. Taking a deep breath as if he steeled himself, Richard straightened up a little and looked straight at me.
«Emily, I think my marriage might be falling apart.»
«Is that why she isn't here this weekend?»
«Yeah... We had a huge fight, she said she needed to get away for a while. Took the kids with her the next morning to her parents.»
«What did you argue about?»
«Everything. And nothing, really, I'm not even sure. I'm away a lot, and whenever I am she says she misses me and wants me home. But when I am home, everything I do or say seem to just annoy her, like she can't wait to get me out of the house again. I've always been worried about being away too much, that it would ruin our relationship, that she'd hate me for never being around and just... slip away from me. I think that's finally happened.»
«If Mindy feels that way, I can understand her.... I don't know, I've never talked to her about it. You know, you've been doing Top Gear for ten years now, and the success it as had has been ridiculous, it's taken up so much more of your time than anyone could have predicted. And you've done loads of other things, documentaries, Crash Course, Wipeout, the books... I don't know, maybe she just feels a little... left out, or even left behind, cooped up here with the kids? Maybe she feels like she wants to realise herself a little? Do something on her own, achieve something... But I'm just speculating, Richard, I don't know how she feels.»
«How do you feel about it, thought? About James being away so much?»
«I'm... all right with it, really. Whenever he is, I miss him an awful lot, of course. But he has his job, and I have mine, it keeps me occupied. Sometimes I even appreciate having some time to myself, doing things on my own, living my own life separate from him. The fact that he's away so much and that we're not always joined at the hip makes us appreciate the time we actually spend together that much more. That's how it works for us, but everyone is different. And I've only had to live with it for a year or so. Who knows, in ten years time maybe I'll be incredibly fed up with it.»
«I've tried to pay attention to them, to Mindy and the girls, to make time for them... I guess I've done a rubbish job at it,» Richard said sadly.
«I'm sure you've done your best, Richard, I don't doubt that, I know you care a lot about your girls. But... your job is always threatening to take you away from her and the girls, one way or another. You're busy, you're away a lot... It even threatened to take your life at one point.» Richard was silent for a long time.
«I've never thought about it that way...» he mumbled. «I'm just... We've been together for a lot of years. I'm scared that we've just... grown apart. People change, you know...»
«You know what, Richard? I'm not so sure I believe that, that people grow apart. People don't fundamentally change that much, not really. If a marriage falls apart because they've 'grown apart', it might be that they just weren't right for each other to begin with. People can adapt, try to make it work, pretend to be someone they aren't just to keep a marriage going. And some do all their lives. People don't necessarily change as they get older, but they find themselves. Who they truly are. But I don't think that's Mindy and you. Maybe you've just... drifted apart, instead of grown apart?»
«But... I don't know how to find back to her,» he sighed.
«I don't know, Richard... Do something together, a work project or something? Include her in your life. Take her for romantic dinners or... camping trips or whatever you people like to do. Do something together that you used to do together, but never do anymore. Rediscover all the the things about her that made you fall in love with her and marry her! Park the girls at their grandparents and sweep her totally off her feet, take her to some exotic, incredibly romantic place for two weeks. Personally I can recommend Bali...»
«Whoa whoa, stop, I need to write all of these suggestions down!» Richard said, but smiling cautiously now, cheering up a little.
«I bet that if either of you found yourself without the other one day, you wouldn't know how to live your life. It's just that... when you have someone who is always there, you sometimes forget to appreciate it. Richard, you two can fix this, you will fix this, you two are perfect for each other. Everyone else has been jealous of your marriage for the past ten years!»
«God, I hope you're right...» Richard looked up at me pleadingly.
«I am. But... kissing me is not the answer to any of this,» I pointed out with a crooked, little smile.
«I'm sorry. I know that, of course I do. I just...» He squirmed, not knowing what to say.
«Had a weak moment?» I proffered, and he gave a relieved nod.
«Listen, Ems... Thank you for handling this so well. For not getting mad at me. And most of all for listening to me.. I really appreciate your advice. And your support.»
«No worries, Richard, no need to thank me. You helped me once. Hopefully I can help you a little, I'm always there for my mates.»
«Thanks...» He rubbed his temples again and got up with a sigh. «I'm just... getting some wine,» he mumbled as he shuffled past me and headed to the kitchen. When he returned he was carrying two glasses, and proffered one to me.
«Oh, thanks Richard, but I'm..»
«Don't even start that with me right now. I'm not sitting here drinking alone over my marriage problems like a pathetic twat. Please?» He said, waving the glass in front of me. I took it from him, but put it resolutely down on the table.
«Richard, no, I can't.»
«You can drop the diet for just one glass or two, can't you? You going on a diet is ridiculous anyway, you look amazing. I've proved that, I literally forced myself on you earlier!» He pointed out, gesturing vaguely to the hallway.
«Listen, I would've loved to have a glass of wine right now, I really would but... I can't.»
«I'm not trying to get you drunk to get in your knickers,» he argued, and I let out a laugh.
«I wasn't suspecting you of that...! Until now, that is!»
«Good. Then have a drink?» He persisted.
«Richard, I can't!»
«Can't? What, are you pregnant or something?» He asked in an off-hand sort of way as he lifted his own glass to his mouth and had a sip. It was obvious that he didn't even expect an answer to that, he didn't believe I would be.
«Weeeeell...» I said hesitantly. My brain had frozen completely and I was unable to come up with an excuse. I was running out of ways to wiggle out of the conversation or cover it up any longer. Richard choked on his wine and gave me the most quizzical and confused look I had ever seen in my life. «... a bit,» I shrugged stupidly, looking at the floor.
«You're pregnant?!» He repeated loudly.
«A little...» I conceded with a nod. As I tore my eyes up off the floor to look at Richard I felt how I was smiling, unable to stop myself.
«You're just pulling my leg,» he snorted dismissively, shaking his head a little.
«Richard, I wouldn't lie about something like that. Especially not just to get out of having to drink a glass of wine.» Shocked silence followed. Richard stared into space, wide-eyed, processing what I had just told him.
«Wait a minute, hang on... Really?» He repeated, dumbfounded.
«Yes!» I maintained, nodding eagerly.
«Does James know about this?»
«Of course he does! Jesus!»
«I... wow...» he mumbled, taking another absentminded sip of his wineglass. «And he's... okay with it? With you being pregnant, I mean.» He asked after a while. I laughed a little at his hesitant, clumsy question, but I understood what he meant and why he was asking.
«He wasn't at first. But to be fair, neither was I! We were both pretty much... freaking out.»
«When did you find out about this?» Richard asked, resting back against the sofa and getting comfortable, finally seeming to relax a little.
«I found out while you guys were in Africa. The nausea was unbelievable, at first I thought it was just a tummy bug. But tummy-bugs aren't limited from 8am until around noon each morning, they don't work like that. I took tests, I went to the doctor, I cried and was panicking more or less continuously for about two weeks. I couldn't tell James something like that on the phone while he was half the world away, so... I waited. From what I can understand that last part of your trip was pretty exhausting and awful, James was absolutely knackered when he came home. Which was probably the worst time in the world to tell him something like that. So he freaked and stormed out of the house..-» At this Richard interrupted me.
«He did?!»
«Wait for it, it gets worse,» I said with a sad little smirk, holding up a hand.
«Uh-oh,» he mumbled darkly, sipping his wine.
«In my hormone-soaked, mad little head, James storming out was the equivalent of him never wanting to see me again or throwing me out as soon as he got back. So I packed a huge suitcase and ran for it, to my sister's in Norway. Left all my keys at our house, disconnected my phone...» Richard gave a low whistle, shaking his head.
«Jesus... So, you left him before he could leave you, was that it?» He asked, trying to make sense of it.
«God knows, I had a million different causes or reasons for doing what I did, and it changed several times a day. I was just... very hurt, disappointed, I was exhausted and maybe even a tad psychotic, at least it felt like it. So I left because I was angry with him and wanted to punish him. Or because I honestly thought he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Or because I wanted to keep the baby, and was convinced he never would agree to that and I'd lose him over it anyway. I wondered if I had done him a favour, taking myself and my little 'problem' with me. And that by leaving I had closed the door on our relationship anyway and he would never want me back. See? A million reasons, most of the just illogical and... absurd.»
«But you went back to London in the end?» Richard asked, looking as if he was on tenterhooks.
«Um, no. I ended up in the hospital, actually. I wasn't eating or drinking enough, I was just too nauseous and miserable. Combine that with pregnancy-related anemia and you get one very, very weak woman who passes out on the sidewalk. At this point my sister was incredibly fed-up with me, she thought I was ridiculous and stubborn or possibly even mad. So she called James herself and he came to Norway, to the hospital. Which was probably a good thing, I was too weak to run away or kill him,» I snorted.
«Are you okay now, though?» Richard eyed me with concern.
«Oh, I'm fine,» I smiled gratefully. «They poured some blood and fluids into me and I was okay. My blood pressure had been low and my heart-rate a little erratic, hence my little swooning episode. I was reaching my second trimester so the nausea disappeared, and with James showing up I calmed down. We talked a lot, worked things out... I came home, and we decided to have this baby.»
«I can't get over that James is becoming a father...» Richard mumbled. «I honestly thought he'd never have kids, he's always said he never would.»
«Frankly I think he did, too! And I had accepted that, I was fine with it really. But suddenly life just happened and I found myself pregnant, and then... Abortion seemed like the last thing I wanted to do, but I thought I had to, that I would have to chose between James or this baby.»
«See, you're wrong then, people can fundamentally change, James did! He said he didn't want kids, and now he's having one!» Richard argued.
«Well... When we talked about this he said he never thought he'd be in a place in his life where he could have kids. He'd never met anyone he could imagine having children with, and he thought he never would. I was worried that he just said he wanted to keep this baby just so he could keep me, or make me happy, or... something. But I'm not worried about that any more, he seems genuinely happy and excited about it.» I was smiling from ear to ear again, and Richard cocked his head and aaaw'ed at me.
«But that's... Amazing! I'm happy for you! Congratulations!» He said, put down his glass of wine and gave me a quick hug.
«I shouldn't have told you any of this, you know,» I admitted. «James and I was supposed to keep this to ourselves for a while, at least until after I've had my ultrasound, and.. James probably wanted to tell you this himself...»
«I won't breathe a word of it and I promise to act incredibly surprised,» Richard promised, hand on his heart. «So, when is your ultrasound? How far are you along?» He was practically bouncing up and down in the sofa now.
«Ultrasound is December 2nd. And I'm fourt-- no fifteen weeks today actually,» I said, counting.
«God, I remember when Mindy was pregnant with Izzy, that was such a... weird time. I was constantly terrified,» Richard mused, eyes sliding out of focus as he reminisced.
«Believe me, so are we!» I laughed. A ping from my phone tore us out of our conversation. It was from James. 'Saw the photos on twitter. Had fun? He was careful with you, right? Miss you.' I shook my head and laughed. «It's James, he's worried that offroading and mudding isn't a suitable activity for an expectant lady,» I snorted. «Asking if you were 'careful with me'.» I added. At this Richard laughed out loud in that childish way only he can manage.
«Really? He wrote that?!»
«Something to that effect,» I confirmed. «Lately he's been incredibly overprotective, he's fussing over me constantly. I can barely get him out of the house, he even talked about cancelling this documentary. Basically he's nesting for dear life,» I snorted, and Richard giggled. «It's adorable though, I appreciate all his fussing.»
«Well, you know how he gets. When James has made up his mind about something, made a decision to do something... He always gets excited about things he cares about, he gets completely carried away,» Richard observed.
«I know....» I nodded. «That's one of the things I love about him, though. How incredibly... passionate and childishly excited he can be about things.»
«I didn't think it was possible, but I feel like even more of a twat for kissing you now...» Richard admitted, staring into his wineglass. «I mean... You're pregnant. With my best mate.»
«Which is why it was so bloody hard to stop you!» I retorted, feeling like I needed to make some admissions myself. «Do you have any idea what these pregnancy hormones are doing to me? I feel like a.. horny, 14 year old boy with a constant boner!» I complained, waving my arms. «And you're not a man it's easy to turn down, I'll tell you that much!»
«Emily, that mental image is so disturbing,» he whined, rubbing his temples and shuddering. «But.. you know, thanks. I think.» The rest of the evening passed with the two of us talking, about relationships and marriages, and his marriage in particular. Richard was genuinely upset, terrified that his marriage would fall apart, and it was obvious that he had desperately needed someone to talk to. Now that he had, the floodgates opened and there was no shutting him up. All his fears and worries and regrets poured out of him, and I realised that emotionally he was a lot more torn up than I had thought. I tried to be as helpful as I could, giving him advice on how to try and fix it. Around midnight we were both yawning and decided to call it a night. Trailing after Richard up the stairs, I was just about to head off into the guestroom when I felt Richard's hand around mine, holding me back. «Emily... I don't want to sleep alone tonight,» he said quietly, almost like he was ashamed.
«Richard, no...» I sighed heavily.
«I meant just... sleeping, nothing more.»
«I know, but.. I can't sleep in Mindy's bed, I just can't.» Somehow, the thought of crawling into Richard's and Mindy's bed, even if nothing happened, it would've just felt wrong. I wriggled my hand out of Richard's grasp, feeling guilty. Mostly because I understood him. He didn't want to feel alone tonight, he needed some sort of comfort and closeness, even if it was just friendly.
«Oh. Okay...» Richard said, trying his best to sound understanding. «Night, then.» He turned on his heels and headed towards his own bedroom. I took a few steps towards the guestroom, and stopped in the doorway, grumbling at myself.
«Richard,» I said and he stopped in his tracks, turning around to look at me. «Sleep in here, then.» Without waiting for a reply I entered the guestroom, took my jeans off and got into bed, leaving my top on. Richard appeared in the doorway, looking tentatively at me.
«You sure...?»
«Yeah, come on,» I said with a little smile. Richard got out of his own jeans and crawled under the covers. I held out an arm for him, and after a moments hesitation he inched up to me and rested his head on my shoulder. I ran my hand over his back a few times. «Better?»
«Yeah... Thank you, Emily,» he mumbled, squeezing me a little.
«It's okay. I know what it's like, feeling alone and abandoned, terrified you're losing the most important thing in your life. With that being said, if you try any funny business I will kick you in the plums.»
«Duly noted,» Richard said, giggling his Goofy-like chuckle. Sighing contentedly he placed his hand on my tummy, caressing it a little. «You know, when James met you... I was so happy for him. He's always been a bit of an outsider, and even though he makes it seem like he wants to be, I know how lonely he's been. He's been on the sideline, watching as Jezza and I lived our busy family lives, having children, going on family holidays... I'm glad he gets to experience all that. And he couldn't have found a better person to do it with. You changed his life for the better.»
«Aw...Thank you, Richard,» I said, swallowing back a lump in my throat, feeling genuinely touched. «Now get some sleep, yeah?»
«Mm...» he mumbled tiredly, already dozing off.

Chapter 56

James and I didn't really talk much about the pregnancy over the coming week. We didn't really need to. Both of us needed time to process it on our own, in our own minds, digest the fact that we were going to become a mum and a dad. We had made the decision, and that was enough for now. Even so I caught James reading the books I had given him whenever he had the time, he couldn't read them anywhere but in the privacy of home for now, as we were keeping it too ourselves. It was an entertainment in itself watching him read them: sometimes reading intently with furrowed brows, looking concerned or slightly panic-stricken, and sometimes laughing loudly. I took Beatrice's advice to heart and spent my week relaxing, and eating, enjoying life and the excuse to eat whatever I wanted immensely now that the nausea had gone. James worked a little, but cancelled a few things here and there just to be home with me. We desperately needed this time together, our month apart had been devastating for us both. Even without talking about it, I knew that we both just wanted to focus more on our relationship than the pregnancy right now. Our relationship was the foundation for everything, we were the meaning in each others lives and nothing could be more important. So we spent time together, just being a couple; talking, laughing, making love and finding back to each other. Over and over we told each other how sorry we were for what had happened, and what we loved about each other.

Another reason we prioritized spending time with each other was that I was going back to work, and James would be leaving for two weeks to the US to record a documentary on space a few days later. I was amused to no end by how James was fussing over me, checking up on me while I was at work, making dinner for when I came home, cleaning the house and and doing laundry, anything to be helpful and show that he wanted to take care of me. No matter how much I tried saying that he didn't need to do everything, and to reassure him that I was fine, he wouldn't listen. In the end I gave up and just let him keep at it, secretly enjoying the attention and not having to do boring house chores. Privately I suspected him of trying to prepare himself for fatherhood, or at least trying to practice being one. But when James began talking in all seriousness of postponing or cancelling the making of the documentary I had to put my foot down.

«James... You really are sweet, watching out for me. You've been taking such good care of me lately and I really appreciate it, love. I know that you want to be here, with me, and look after me. I know that, I do. But stop being ridiculous. You can't, and shouldn't, either postpone nor cancel this shoot.»

«But I worry about you, and I hate the thought of leaving you for two whole weeks,» he argued, albeit a little feebly.

«I don't like the thought of you leaving, either, of course I don't. I'll miss you so much, and you know that. But you need to work, or you'll just became restless and grumpy. And then I'll become grumpy. Work as much as you can now, get all your projects out of the way, because after this baby is born... That is when I'll want you to be here with me all the time.»

«Are you saying you don't want me here?» He asked, only half-pretending to be offended.

«Pff. Sometimes I wonder who are having worse hormonal issues, you or me,» I scoffed, nudging him lightly. James chuckled despite himself and wrapped his arms around me, just holding me close. «I know you're worried that you'll miss out on something by not being here all the time, or that I'll feel like you're not being supportive enough. But I won't feel like that, honey. And you really won't miss out on much in two weeks, you might not even tell the difference when you get back.»

«Hmm... Okay, if you say so,» he sighed reluctantly, letting me go but peering at me intently. «But what if something happens when I'm away?»

«Oh, honey...» Seeing the concern in James' face I felt a wave of understanding and love. It was evident that something going wrong was something he had worried about a lot lately, even if he'd never told me so. «James, I worry about that too. That something might happen or go wrong... But if it does, there is nothing you or I can do about it. It won't matter where we are or what we're doing, if it happens, it happens. So I try not to think about it too much, it'll just make me anxious and stressed and it'll wear me out. And it will for you, too. Try not to worry about it, okay? We're over the worst bit, I feel healthy and the heartbeats sounded strong and good. Just focus on that.» James sighed again, rubbing his face.

«Jesus, when did I become such a worrier...» he mumbled, voice muffled by his hands.

«James, you always have been! You worry constantly, about work, about your age, about what to wear, what other people think of you... I can hear the thoughts whirring around in your brain 24-7,» I said mildly, patting his back. James looked quizzically at me from between his fingers, then straightened up a little.

«That might be true, but... A month ago I thought I'd never have kids, and I thought I was happy with that. When did this start to matter so much?»

«See? Now you're even worrying about this mattering too much to you!» I pointed out, half-laughing. «But I'm glad it matters to you, it just tells me that you want this just as much as I do. We've had this conversation before; caring about something, or someone, is always scary, because you might lose it, it might disappear. But we still do it, right?»

«This isn't how this is supposed to go, you know. You're supposed to be hysterical and anxious, and I'm supposed to be calm and comforting one,» James grumbled, looking exasperated at himself.

«Psh, you've always been the woman of this relationship,» I scoffed and James' loud laughter rang through the living room. «You even look more pregnant than me,» I added, poking his stomach.

“For now!” He said curtly.

“Yes, but this...” I said, gesturing to my own tummy, “this is just temporary. That however – that beergut is for life, May,” I continued poking him again.

«Oy, watch it,» he growled. Before I even had time to squeal he pounced, tickling me fervently and I curled up into a defensive ball, screaming with laughter. He didn't stop until I was sitting on the floor, tears rolling down my face while I gasped for air. My stomach hurt from laughing and I clutched at a stitch in my side. «Am I still a woman?» He asked, a little out of breath.

«No, no, no, no, you're a big strong manly man, you just tickled your woman into submission,» I chuckled. James lunged after me, trying to tickle me again, but this time I was prepared for it. Catching him unawares I wrapped a hand around his wrist and managed to yank him down onto the floor, pulling him close. «Stop it, or I'll remove all your bedroom privileges,» I growled, my face an inch from his.

«Mm, I better behave then,» he hummed, looking at me transfixed.

«Good girl. I mean, boy,» I corrected quickly. James rolled his eyes as he giggled. Closing the final little gap between us I gave him a slow, considered kiss, running my palm over his chest. Pulling away I looked at him pointedly. «James, I'll be just fine, I promise. We have phones, we can keep in touch every day. Meanwhile I have work, I have books to read, TV-shows to watch, friends to catch up with... Maybe I'll go up to the Hammonds or something for a day or two to cuddle all the dogs, I said I'd come visit them again. I promise to take it easy at work and to take care of myself.»

«Just don't... rearrange the furniture or anything while I'm away. No taking on extra shifts. And if you have to go grocery shopping, don't... carry too much, get help. And...»

«James! I get it!» I shouted.

«Okay, okay...» James nodded, leaning his forehead against mine. «You're a big girl, I know you can take care of yourself,» he admitted.

«Not such a big girl as you,» I snorted, unable to resist the urge to poke fun at him again. James' arm twitched, I could tell he had been about to tickle me again, but I held up a warning finger. «Ah-ah-ah. Bedroom privileges, remember?» His expression softened instantly and he tried to pass his arm-twitch off as having tried to wrap it around me. Leaning down he nuzzled the side of my neck, hunting out that sensitive spot.

«Hmm, can I use those privileges now?» He hummed. With my eyes closed I just moaned a weak 'uh-huh' in response, easily excited as I was these days. Holding him I sank down on the floor, pulling him down with me. He kept nuzzling and kissing the side of my neck. I turned my head sideways, hunting for his mouth, taking his lips in a deep and passionate kiss. «This isn't the bedroom...» James pointed out with a mumble.

«I don't care,» I huffed, meaning it whole-heartedly, I wanted him to take me right here on the floor between the table and the couch. «Your privileges are extended to the entire house. And garage.»

«I can't with the dust bunnies staring at me...» he said distractedly, looking sideways at a few fluffs of dust under the sofa.

«You're the housewife these days, so you've apparently done a poor job...» I teased, playing with his earlobe with my tongue, breathing heavily into his ear. He hummed, but tore himself out of it and pulled back, leaning on his arms to look down at me.

«Emily, the last time we had sex on the floor my back almost gave out. And I think I still might have chafe marks on my arse.»

«But we're on a rug now...» I begged.

«Which will probably give me carpet burns!» He laughed, leaning down a little he gave me a quick kiss. «Now come on. I don't want a quickie on the floor. I want you properly, I want to make love to you, in our bed,» he whispered, then sat up on his knees.

«Well, when you put it like that...» I nodded, smiling at him as I let him pull me up to sit. Getting to his feet he helped me up, then wrapped his arms around me and held me close, resting his forehead against mine.

«I think your horny pregnant hormones are starting to have an affect on me, too...» he mumbled. The bulge in his jeans pressing against me gave away what he meant.

«Or you're just really chuffed about having a girlfriend who wants to shag all the time,» I giggled, slipping my hands into the backpockets of his jeans to squeeze his arse. James just chuckled and shrugged innocently. «But you know... Feel free to hose me down if I'm wearing you out or.. you can't keep up,» I teased, squeezing him again.

«Watch it, missus... You don't want to go there,» He warned, narrowing his eyes.

«Yes, I do. I do want to go there. Now!» I nodded eagerly. «Specifically upstairs!» James rolled his eyes, pretending to be exasperated, but took my hand and led me upstairs nonetheless.

In the end, James went to make his documentary, but he didn't go quietly. As long I had my shifts at the hospital I was fine, it kept me occupied and tired enough to be able to fall asleep in an empty bed at night. But I was still working just half time and suddenly I had en entire long-weekend stretching out in front of me, seemingly infinite. I managed to get through Thursday by talking to people on the phone, calling Cathy or my sister while simultaneously playing on my iPad AND watching TV. By Friday afternoon I was climbing the walls with boredom, I was missing James and I was lonely. In desperation I sent Richard a text. 'Bored out of my skull. Please entertain me with whatever marvellous adventure you're currently in'. Within a minute the phone rang.

«Adventure? Emily, I'm sat here staring at the kitchen clock!» He complained as soon as I had said hello.

«That sounds.... tedious. Why?»

«Mindy and the kids are away for the weekend,» he mumbled, feeling sorry for himself.

«Isn't that a welcome break? You can do whatever you want! Tinker with bikes or cars, go driving, have a beer, sleep in...? I thought a wife-and-kids-free weekend was a blessing for a family man?»

«It isn't, I'm just bored and restless,» he grumbled. «What about you, why are you so bored?»

«James is in the states for two weeks, space documentary.»

«Aha... But this is great!» He said, suddenly sounding incredibly excited. «Come up here! We can watch movies and have pizza and... Well, it's too cold for playing around with on motorbikes or the ATVs really, but we could off-roading with my Land Rover! You know, mudding or rock crawling or something, I know lots of places to do that around here.»

«I know absolutely jack about off-roading, though,» I said, smiling as I heard Richards excitement.

«Even better, I can teach you! So, are you coming?» He asked, sounding like an eager jack russell at the prospect of being taken for a walk.

«Yes, yes, I'm coming, of course I am,» I sighed and laughed. «I'll just need to pack a little. It'll be late until I get there though, the drive takes over two hours.»

«If you're taking the panda it'll take three! Pack wellies! And stuff you don't mind getting dirty.»

«I might take the Porsche, actually.»

«Smart decision.»

«All right, I'll see you later then!» We hung up and I busied myself with packing, rummaging around to find thermal underwear, thick sweaters and durable outdoorsy clothes, not really knowing what I would need for country off-roading, I had never done it before. When I had gotten into the car I called James.

«Hi sweetheart. I just called to let you know I'm on my way up to Hammond's. I got bored.»

«Really? That's good. It's good to know you won't be alone. And bored.»

«I'll call you when I get there,» I said, knowing he was about to ask.

«Yes, you will. And drive safe, yeah? It's late, might've dropped below zero now,» he warned.

«James, you are talking to a woman who grew up driving in Norway. You don't have to tell me?»

«Okay, okay, I know.»

«I miss you, you know. I just needed something to do, make the time pass.»

«Miss you too. Love you.»

Richard had sent me a text instructing me to just come in when I arrived, so that's what I did. Opening the front door I shouted his name, and was met by a barrage of dogs greeting me.

«In here!» I heard from the living room, and I headed there with a train of dogs following me.

«Bloody hell, you took your time!» He said, lounging comfortably in a big armchair. «You took the Panda, didn't you.»

«No, I took the Porsche. But there was a major accident on the M4. Thank fuck I wasn't there first, or I'd be elbow deep in blood and intestines by now,» I sighed as I slumped down on the sofa. Richard made a face. «But I was stuck in the jam for an hour. Looked really bad, car versus trailer,» I shuddered.

«But you made it! Welcome!» Richard got up and came over to give me a long hug. «Long time, no see! I haven't seen you since what, August?»

«Something like that,» I agreed, hugging him back. We quickly decided to order some pizza and watch a movie.

«Beer?» Richard asked, mouth already full of pizza.

«Um, no thanks, I'm trying to... stay away from that stuff for a while,» I said, realising I hadn't thought up any good lies for not drinking.

«Stay away? Why?»

«Living with May there's too much beer around, I'll have a gutbucket to rival Jezza's any day now,» I continued, thinking quickly. Richard eyed me intently for a moment.

«All right. I know better than to argue with women over dieting choices!» He shrugged. «But in my opinion you're being completely ridiculous. You really don't need to be dieting, you look absolutely perfect to me.» He said it with an undertone that made my eyes linger at him a little longer. Was he flirting again? We got through the pizza quickly and before long I found myself curled on the sofa buried beneath a pile of dogs. Richard was back in the armchair, buried on the blanket again. Half an hour into the movie he was sleeping soundly. I let him sleep until the movie was over around midnight. Untangling myself from the dogs on the sofa I put a hand on Richard's arm, rousing him gently.

«Hamster... It's midnight. Go to bed.»

«Mwuh..?» He opened his eyes and looked dazedly up at me, his mind sluggish from sleep. Sighing tiredly he rubbed his face. «I'm the worst company in the world, I ask you up here and I just.. zonk out. Sorry.»

«Oh don't be silly, it's fine. The movie wasn't very interesting anyway, you didn't miss much.»

«Even so.... Sorry for falling asleep. I guess I just relax better with people around,» he said as he got out of his armchair. «Anyway, you should go to bed too, tomorrow we're going offroading!»