Chapter 54

Returning downstairs from my shower I found James in the kitchen, reading something on his iPad.

«Food'll be here in ten minutes.»

«Great, I'm famished,» I smiled. James put the tab down and went to the fridge.

«Beer?» I heard him say. The lack of a reply made him turn around to look at me.

«Pregnant, James!» I reminded him, rolling my eyes as I gestured to my own tummy. His eyes widened a little in horror.

«Oh, damn. Right! Sorry!» He said apologetically.

«That's okay. Seems I'll be the designated driver for the foreseeable future,» I shrugged, having already come to terms with that fact.

«Maybe I shouldn't have any either, then.» James eyed the bottle of beer in his hand.

«Oh come on, that's ridiculous! Just because I have to suffer, that doesn't mean you need to as well!» I scoffed.

«You sure?» He asked again, and I just nodded. When food arrived we got through it quickly. While I ate I realised that this was the first time I had felt anything near to normal for a month, almost like myself again instead of 'Emily, pregnant and hysterical'. I understood that even though I was pregnant, I was still me, I could still feel normal and be normal. We chatted a little about this and that while eating, and I enjoyed just being with James again, having good food and a conversation with the man I loved. Having finished dinner we slumped back on the sofa and relaxed. James turned on the telly but we didn't really watch it, it was just background noise while we talked. After a long pause in the conversation James cleared his throat a little.

«Okay, so... I feel bad for not knowing this... How long have you been...? When are you supposed to..?» James stammered, gesturing vaguely to my stomach while looking utterly lost. His bewildered, awkward expression made me laugh a little.

«Well, I'm...» I began, but stopped abruptly when I realised I couldn't answer him. «Um...Hang on.» I fished my phone out of my pocket, finding the calendar.

«You don't know either?» He asked, sounding incredulous.

«Yes, I know! I just.. haven't kept count!» I said defensively. «Besides, it isn't really precise, pregnancies are calculated from the first day of the last period, and I can't... remember when that was...» I mumbled a little ashamedly. James pulled a digusted face, thoroughly disliking the subject of periods. «Anyway, I had a guess at 6^th of August. According to Kellie, that means the date of conception was around August 20^th, which was while we were on Bali.»

«Really?» James' eyes widened with realisation, but after a while he nodded. «From what I can remember, that seems... plausible.»

«That's what I said, too!» I laughed. «Anyway. That means that today, I am 12 weeks and four days along.»

«That's second trimester already,» James mumbled, mostly to himself. My head snapped around to look at him, my eyebrows raised in surprised.

«How in Gods name do you know that?»

«I've had to live thorugh several of my sisters pregnancies! And Mindy's, and Francie's... I learned a thing or two. Plus, I did actually work at a hospital too, once, very briefly. I even attended a birth!» He defended himself.

«.. Which, worryingly, makes you a lot more experienced in this field than I am!» I pointed out.

«Okay, August 6^th... That means your due date is..» James lips moved as he counted quietly. «May 14^th.»

«May 14^th,» I said at the same time, having counted my way through the calendar and reached the same conclusion.

«May?» James repeated, raising an eyebrow.

«Which will greatly increase the chance of you remembering the kid's birthday, I'm sure!» I added with a laugh, and James chortled.

«12 weeks?» James repeated. «When will it... you know, start showing?» He asked timidly, casting a sidelong glance at my tummy.

«I don't know, I don't think it's showing yet. It's very individual, it seems,» I shrugged, placing my palms on my stomach for a moment to gauge it. «God, I'm going to have to buy you a book or two about all of this! Hang on, I do have a book, actually, my sister gave me me one of hers.» I crawled out of the sofa, found my backpack and rummaged around in it. Sinking back down into the sofa James slipped his arm around my shoulder again, sharing my need for closeness. I rifled through it and found the page for week 12, reading through it quickly. «By now it weighs a little over 2 ounces, and is about 3-4 inches long. The risk of miscarriages lessen significantly. The foetus now looks like a mini-human and on an ultrasound there can be seen a lot of activity. The brain has developed into two halves, arms and legs are fully formed with fingers and toes clearly visible. The heart is beating with 4 chambers and a face can be seen.» As I had finished reading I looked up at James.

«I.. wow, I'm... That's amazing,» James mumbled, an odd expression on his face. I thought I could see the hint of his bottom lip trembling, and I knew that what he had just heard had touched him, stirred somethiing inside him. Deciding this wasn't the time to tease James for being emotional I just smiled gently at him.

«I know, it is pretty incredible. It's basically... all finished, in there, it just needs to grow.» Another silence fell as we both thought about the baby growing inside me.

«Emily, I... I'm going to need a little time to get used to this. Before we start telling people. I need a while to get my head around things.» James spoke tentatively, worried that what he was asking was going to upset me somehow.

«I think we both need that, James,» I said mildly. «I'm not ready to tell people just yet, either. I want this to just be about us for a while, you and me and this baby. At least for as long as I can hide it.» James smiled at me, looking relieved. Putting the book away I wrapped an arm around James and sank into him, resting my head against his shoulder. He kissed my forehead gently, taking a deep, slow breath. It sounded like it was the first breath he had drawn for days.

«Sarah knows,» he said simply.

«Your sister?»

«Mm. When I came home and the house was empty, I... Completely fell apart. She was the only one I could imagine talking to, she's a woman and smart and... well, she's my sister and she knows me.»

«I'm glad you had someone to talk to, that you weren't here alone.»

«Yeah, I appreciated her help. Not that I got much help or sympathy, really,» he said, shaking his head and even chuckling a little. «She just called me a complete arse. And she thought it was no wonder you left, considering how I'd handled things.»

«Oofh. Tough love.»

«I guess I really didn't deserve much sympathy, though.»

«Well, the first thing my sister told me was that I looked like shit,» I mumbled bitterly, and James chortled.

«How long is your sick leave?»

«Another week. Tomorrow I'll have to call Kellie, she said she would refer me to a good obstetrician. I'll have to get an appointment for an ultrasound. I guess I'll have to get my blood levels and things checked out too, keep an eye on things. And I should go talk to my boss, tell her what is going on.»

«Mm, please do that, I don't want you back in hospital,» James said, squeezing me a little.

«Hopefully it won't come to that again. The nausea is almost gone. As long as I can eat and drink I should be fine. I'll need to get some supplement pills, though, iron and folate...»

«That's good, that you're feeling better. I'll help take care of you as much as I can,» James mumbled into my hair.

«James... I hate that I caused you to fall apart, I'm sorry....» I said sadly, squeezing him tighter.

«You don't have to say sorry about that, I brought that on myself, by reacting the way I did. If I had kept my head and acted like an adult, maybe you wouldn't have left.»

«I'm still sorry,» I persisted, looking up at him.

«I'm sorry too, sweetheart. For everything. God, I've missed you,» he sighed heavily. I leaned up to kiss his cheek, and his mouth blindly found mine. His kiss was deep and slow, and he showed no signs of stopping any time soon. Wrapping my arms around him I held him closer, kissing him back with the same tenderness and love I felt emanating from him. A wave of all the emotions James' kisses had always stirred in me, came rushing through me. How in love I was with him, how overjoyed I was that he was mine, how his kisses had always made my stomach swoop and my heart beat faster.

«I love the way you kiss,» I mumbled against his lips, before pulling away to look into his eyes.

«I love the way you kiss too,» James said quietly. «The way you always tangle your fingers into my hair and hold me close, like you can't have me close enough. And how you sometimes suck a little on my bottom lip». I smirked, leaning into him again, tangling my fingers into his hair and kissing him deeply, sucking on his bottom lip.

«I can't ever have you close enough,» I whispered, kissing him again. When I let go of him I got out of the sofa, wordlessly reaching out a hand toward him.

«Where are we going?» He asked, looking at me with eyebrows slightly raised. When I didn't answer he took my hand nonetheless and followed me as I pulled him out of the sofa and headed upstairs. When I reached our bedroom I tugged him in the direction of the bed and slowly started taking off his shirt.

«I just... want to lie next to you, feel your skin again,» I said quietly, focusing on the buttons on his shirt. Following my lead James began taking off my clothes as well until we stood there in our underwear. James laid down, pulling me after him but I held back. Standing by the bed I undid my bra and tossed it to the side, then slid my panties down past my hips and let them fall to the floor. James was watching me, transfixed as I got naked and crawled into bed.

«They were coming off anyway, eventually,» I smirked as I inched up to him.

«Were they?» He asked innocently as his arms recieved me.

«I was hoping so...» I whispered with a naughty grin before nibbling at his bottom lip. «I've missed being close to you. I've missed being held and kissed and... feeling loved.»

«I've missed all of that too,» James sighed, running his hand through my hair and over my cheek. «You know, what I said in the hospital was absolutely true – I really am useless without you. Every time I'm away from you just confirms that. I'm still not used to being so dependent on anybody or needing someone as much as I need you. But I will just have to accept that I do.»

«If you could, would you want to change that?»

«No. I don't want to, and I can't. I wouldn't be able to, I wouldn't know how. I can't ever imagine myself not needing you. I've just been... a loner for a long time, probably for longer than you've even lived. It takes some getting used to. Something is just... missing when I'm not around you, like I'm missing a part of myself.»

«For what it's worth, I need you just as much, James. If you hadn't come for me, if we hadn't managed to fix this... Honestly I'm not sure what I would have done. No matter what happens, baby or no baby, I will always need you and love you.» At this James smiled happily and took my lips in a kiss. Still kissing me he pushed me gently over on my back and came to rest on top of me. Suddenly he stopped and pulled away a little, taking his weight off me by supporting himself on his arms.

«Is this okay, me lying on top of you? It can't hurt the baby, can it?» He asked hurriedly, looking worried. Unable to stop myself I let out a little laugh, but wrapped my arms around his neck and shook my head kindly.

«No, honey, it can't hurt the baby. You lying on top of me might be a bit difficult eventually. You know, when I'm the size of a hippo... It'll be like climbing Mount Everest,» I mused, and James laughed. «And before you ask; no, sex can't hurt it, either, for your information,» I added.

«I really need to get a book...» James said, looking a little lost and sad.

«I'll find you one,» I said comfortingly. «I guess there are a lot of new things we have to get used to and figure out, but that goes for the both of us.»

«Mm, I guess. But this...» James began as he rested back down against me, nuzzling my neck and shoulder. «This I know, this is familiar. This I've figured out.» He hummed happily while his hands travelled down my sides, grazing over my skin. «I've missed your body», he said, kissing my skin lazily.

«You better enjoy it while it's still in this shape, it won't be in a month or two,» I said with a giggle.

«I'll love your body even when you can't see your own feet anymore,» he mumbled from between my breasts.

«I'll remember you said that!» I shook with laughter, unable to take offense at his remark. Laughing with James again, being close and intimate with him, it all felt liberating. The fact that we had come to a decision was equally liberating, there were no uncertainties lying between us anymore, no conflicts or insecurities. Lots of fears and concerns, sure, but those were fears that we both shared and would face together, which instantly made them a lot less worrisome. I didn't doubt our decision, all of me wanted to keep this baby. But the prospect of it still scared me, and it still seemed surreal that we had decided to keep it. James slid even further down my bed, nuzzling and kissing his way down towards my bellybutton. Pulling back a little he studied my tummy intently, running his palm over it.

«Are you certain there is a baby in there?» He asked, sounding bemused. «It doesn't look much different, really.»

«Yes, I am completely and totally sure, because that baby has made my life absolutley miserable for the past month!» I said with an exasperated laugh. «But no, I don't think it shows. Yet.» I watched as James kept running his palm over my skin, as if he was hunting out any subtle differences. «Did you know the baby can already respond to touch? It can feel when you do that, when you run your hands over my tummy like that.»

«Really?» James stopped in his tracks, looking surprised and a little scared. It was almost as if I could see the emotional cogs whirring in his head. Then he started caressing me again, before leaning down to kiss me right above my bellybutton. He was so tender and gentle in everything he did, and I smiled to myself as I watched him, running a hand through his hair. Was he already bonding with this child growing inside me? And had I already done the same? I was distracted from my own thoughts when James' mouth slid over my skin, kissing and nuzzling that sensitive place where your hip, thigh and torso meet, where your skin feels paper thin. He slid a little further down the bed, running his hands down my hips and up the inside of my thighs, featherlight and teasing. The calm, tender feelings inside me were pushed aside for excitement and arousal as I felt James' tongue on my skin, tickling me. I squirmed a little beneath his tongue, sighing with a mix of frustration and happiness. Misinterpreting my sigh he raised his head a little to look up at me. «Want me to stop?»

«God, no.» I shook my head quickly and gave him an encouraging smile, running my fingers through his hair. He returned my smile and lowered his head again, kissing my skin a little harder now, spurred on by my response. Running my hands over his hair and his shoulders I sighed again. «I've missed this so much. I've missed your mouth on me, your tongue, your hair tickling me when you kiss my body...» James hummed in response, resting comfortably between my legs, his mouth hovering inches from my labia.

«I want you,» he whispered hoarsely, voicing his lust and impatience.

«I want you too,» I breathed back. When James mouth met my pussy the breath hitched in my throat, not having been touched in any way for weeks and weeks had almost made me forget entirely how it felt. It was intense, almost unbearable in its delightfulness. James kissed my labia, then gently separated me with two fingers and kissed my clit, before flicking a tongue lightly over it. He went slow, like he was learning me again, exploring, chasing gasps and moans from me. It didn't take long until he got them, everything he did seemed to be exactly right and my body was completely on edge. Much earlier than I ever would have thought, and so fast that I couldn't even warn James about it, I felt the orgasm rise within me and I let go of his hair to clutch the sheets in stead as I twitched beneath him. As the pleasure receeded I felt how James gave my clit a last kiss, then his mouth disappeared.

«Emily? Did you just come?» He asked incredulously, a little out of breath.

«A little...» I squeaked, then I clapped my hands over my face, feeling how it was growing hot from embarrassment. James inched his way up the bed and gently forced my hands away from my face.

«It wasn't a bad thing!» He said while he laughed good-heartedly. «It was just... quick.»

«I know!»» I said, giggling now despite still feeling flustered. «It's just... been a while, I guess. And you're very good at that. Thank you.» I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed him lovingly, tasting myself on his lips.

«You're very welcome,» James mumbled against my lips, returning my kiss. His erection was pressing against my thigh, hard and warm. I still wanted him, the orgasm hadn't made my desire for him any less. But it seemed that James thought so. I slid my hands down his back and over his arse and hips.

«I still want you,» I whispered against his lips, squeezing his arse a little. James raised his head an inch away from mine to look at me.

«Yeah?» He asked back in the same, low voice.

«Mmm, I want more,» I persisted. The way James looked at me, it was almost as if he thought I was just saying this just to please him.

«Are you sure?» Feeling the need to convince him properly I pushed him over on his back with an exasperated huff and straddled him. Standing on all fours over him I shot him a stern look.

«Yes,» I said, leaning down to nibble at his lips. «I'm not finished yet. And neither are you.»

«All right...» James said obediently, nodding a little, before breaking out into a pleased little smile. Leaning down over him I began kissing down the side of his neck while I ran my palm over his arm, shoulder and chest. James hummed with pleasure as my mouth and hands made their way down his body. Finding a nipple I grazed my mouth over it, feeling how it stiffened against my lips, I knew he liked it despite him claiming that it 'just tickled'. I sucked on it, clamping it between my lips and tugging a little at it before letting go, but only to continue my journey across his body. I needed to feel him with every inch of my own skin, with my hands, my mouth and my own body. I was desperate to feel connected to him again, to show him my love and my want for him. Reaching his boxers I sat up between his legs and determinedly began tugging them off. Once they were off I twirled them around on my finger before tossing them carelessly over a shoulder, feeling playful. James giggled as he watched me with glittering, fascinated eyes and flushing cheeks. Being separated from his warmth made me feel chilly and I inched my way up the bed again, resting down against his body. James wrapped his arms around my lower back, holding me close, smiling as he looked at me. I felt how my breasts were pressed against his chest and how his erection was trapped between our bodies. Looking into his eyes I pressed my hips down against him, grinding gently, James closed his eyes and moaned quietly as he felt the friction. His hands slid down from my back, he took my bum in a firm hold and pressed himself up against me, eyes still closed.

«I love you so much...» I sighed. This made him open his eyes to look at me.

«I love you more...» He whispered against my mouth before taking my lips in a long, lingering kiss. Preoccupied by what he was doing with his mouth, he barely noticed that I raised my hips a little and let him slide inside me. This made him groan into my mouth: «Fuck...» I exhaled heavily, relieved to finally feel him inside me, to feel close and connected to him again. As I began rocking my hips I hummed and winced before attacking his mouth, kissing him desperately. James had one hand clamped on my neck, keeping my lips against his. The other arm was wrapped around my lower back as I thrust down on him. It had barely been a month since the last time we slept together, but it felt like decades of longing had passed between us.

«Oh god-- good!» I winced, barely able to kiss him any longer through my huffs and moans.

«You're so bloody good at that,» James growled softly as I rode him, taking my bum in a firm hold again, kneading my flesh with flat palms, then squeezing again. His strong hands pressed me down against himself, increasing the friction between us, heightening the pleasure even more. I loved feeling his firm hands on me like that. Quite unexpectedly I felt another orgasm rise in me, and almost panicking I froze, remaining still against him. James threw his eyes open at the abrupt change in pace, distracted. «Hey, what's going on?» he asked, a little out of breath but his voice was mild. I squirmed awkwardly, feeling embarrassed again, wondering privately what the hell was going on.

«Well I... I....» I mumbled almost inaudibly, but words failed me and I hid my blushing face in the crook of his neck.

«Emily. You were coming again, weren't you?» He whispered teasingly, then nibbled at my earlobe while running his fingertips lightly over my lower back.

«Maybe...» I mumbled, still hiding. Strong arms wrapped around me and he turned me over on my back, much more gently than he usually did. I winced as he slipped inside me again, achingly slowly. Supporting himself on one arm he cupped my face with the other one, brushing his thumb over my cheek.

«Then why didn't you just... come?» James asked quietly as he pulled almost completely out of me. Just as I was about to answer he thrust into me and I winced, my breath hitching in my throat.

«I didn't think it'd happen so quickly... again...» I admitted, blushing as I forced myself to look into James' eyes while I fiddled with the hair at the nape of his neck.

«You know...» he began quietly, leaning down to give my lips a light kiss before pulling back to look at me. His eyes glittered with mischief as he talked again. «This whole pregnant-sex thing might turn out to be really fun.» My giggles washed away my embarrassment, and I felt myself relax again. Slowly he began rocking his hips against me, and he continued to speak inbetween kisses as his mouth travelled over my cheek and neck. «Imagine... all the fun I can have... if I can make you come this easily...» He mumbled. The heat and pleasure I had felt before I had stopped came rushing back quickly as James began moving his hips, thrusting determinedly in and out of me, his goal was make me have the climax I had interrupted earlier. Clinging tightly to James I dug my fingertips into his shoulderblades as I huffed and groaned against his shoulder. I wrapped one leg around his hip, rocking my hips to meet his, anything to be closer, to feel more of him. The pleasure was already unbereable, a searing heat that I was sure would make me explode when it was finally released. Moaning his name loudly I buried my face against his shoulder, biting him as I tried to silence myself, worried the whole street would hear me. Primal moans and grunts came from James as well, I could tell he was getting closer too. Fumbling blindly his arm reached up to find the headboard of the bed. Grabbing hold of it he used it for more friction, taking out his pent-up frustration and lust, chasing his own orgasm now as much as he was chasing mine.

«So close..!» I gasped, clawing down his back and digging my fingers into his arse in stead. Before I even managed to draw another breath the orgasm slammed through me, knocking the wind out of me. Spastically I grinded up against him as the orgasm surged through me, completely taking over my body and mind. Finally managing to take a breath I let out a long, strained moan of pleasure. Through my haze I registered vaguely that my orgasm had pushed James over into his. For a long time I heard nothing but the sound of my blood rushing through my ears, my heart beating madly in my chest and our heavy panting as we tried to catch our breaths. When James had gathered his strength a little he kissed the side of my neck lazily. Leaning on wobbly arms he raised his head off my shoulders to look at me, smiling serenly.

«I love you.»

«I love you more,» I echoed, pulling him in for a long, lingering kiss. Taking his weight off me he laid down next to me, and I held out an arm so he could rest his head on my shoulder. I wrapped the arm around his back, caressing his spine lightly. He draped and arm and a leg over me, resting comfortably against me. After a long silence he cleared his throat.

«Are you sure sex can't hurt?» He asked quietly, sounding half incredulous, half worried.

«Yes, sweetheart, I'm sure,» I said and gave his sweaty forehead a kiss. «Apparently the uterus has really strong muscles, it protects the baby. They think intimacy and sex can even help trigger labour, because it releases oxytocin.» There was another long silence.

«Wonder what your orgasms feel like to the baby,» he mused, more thinking out loud than really asking.

«I read somewhere that they think it feels like a gentle massage, actually,» I said with a giggle.

«I really need a book,» James repeated for the third time that night, sounding resigned. I squeezed James closer and kissed his face a few times. «Does sex feel different now?» He asked curiously, raising his head a little to look up at me.

«I think so. I've never had orgasms this easily, thats for sure! Everything seems to be more... sensitive, especially my boobs,» I admitted. At this James' hand slid up to a breast, grazing it lightly and slowly with it fingertips, slipping a thumb over a nipple that quickly grew hard under his touch. Despite myself I bit my lip and closed my eyes for a moment. «Careful...» I warned and James chuckled, amused by how sensitive I was, how easy I was to excite. «Maybe I'm just this sensitive because it's been a long time. And because I've missed you so much, missed this part of our life just as much as I've missed every other part of it. But I know there are alot of physiological things going on in a pregnant body that can benefit arousal and sex, increased blood flow to certain areas, higher levels of hormones...»

«I love it when you talk physiology,» James said as he flicked his thumb over my nipple again, trying to keep a straight face, but failing miserably we both broke out giggling. Getting cold I pulled the duvet over both of us. I fell asleep with the feeling of James' breath against my neck, and his palm softly caressing my tummy.