Chapter 53

The next morning became an early and busy one. I decided spur of the moment to join James on his flight up to Oslo. From there I could go to my dad for a few days. Most of all I wanted to follow James home, but I knew my dad would've been very disappointed if he knew I'd been in Norway for over a week and hadn't visited him, I hadn't seen him since Christmas. I said my goodbyes to Amalie and Max before they headed off for school and daycare. Then I thanked my sister profusely for all the help she'd given me, knowing I really couldn't ever pay her back for taking me in and supporting me. I promised it wouldn't be ten months until next time she saw me, and that I would call her when we had figured out what we were going to do.

James held my hand as often as he could on our way from Kristiansand to Oslo, or put his arm around me. Even if he didn't say anything I could tell that he hated the thought of leaving me and going back to London on his own, he seemed restless and on edge. At the airport in Oslo we had to say our goodbyes, James needed to catch his connecting flight to London and I would be picked up by my dad. Standing in the hallway where we had to split up, James took my hand in his. He caressed my knuckles, but he stared down at his feet, saying nothing.
«James... it's just for a few days,» I said calmly, squeezing his hand. It wasn't like James to be like this, all needy and clingy like he had been all day. But I knew why he was acting this way. The fact that I had left him had shocked him, shaken him to the core. He was still frightened, and was finding it difficult to let me out of his grasp now that he was back together with me.
«I know, I know...» He nodded, eyes still at his feet. Then he looked up at me. «Please don't... disappear on me again? Please?» He pleaded. I took a step closer to him, cupping his cheek.
«I promise, James, I won't disappear again. I'll call you every hour if you want?»
«Not.. every hour. Just.. Keep in touch. Call me tonight?» He looked slightly embarrassed at himself, flinching a little as he asked.
«Of course, sweetheart,» I smiled.
«I better go,» he said, checking his watch.
«Okay. Love you,» I said, mostly out of old habit, but that didn't mean that I meant it any less. James stopped in his tracks, raising his eyebrows at me in mild surprise. Then he broke out into a wide, loving smile and his eyes suddenly shone with a happiness I hadn't seen for a long time. It was like he let go of a little bit of his fear and sadness.
«I love you too,» he said quietly, cupped my face with his hands and gave me a long, lingering kiss, completley disregarding that we were in a busy airport. «See you soon.» Then he walked away.

The wind was whipping through the little street and it was drizzling sideways. I couldn't decide if it was the cold or nerves that made my arm shake as I pressed the buzzer. What if he wasn't home? I hadn't even considered that. Surrepticiously I scanned the street around me, wondering if anyone was watching. This would look a little strange if anyone saw me. Not hearing any noises from inside I rang the doorbell again, a little longer this time, then I hid my hands in the sleeves of my jacket, trying to warm them up as I was losing feeling in them. I breathed a sigh of relief when I finally heard footsteps from inside and the door swung open.
«H-h-h-hello,» I squeaked, trying to smile but my face was frozen stiff.
«Emily! But, what are you--» James began, looking confused, but his voice trailed off, obviously he was at a loss for words.
«I c-c-c-couldn't stay longer with my d-d-dad, I m-m-missed you,» I stammered, squirming a little awkwardly. I had managed one night at my dad's, having a long talk with him, even telling him about my pregnancy and how we hadn't decided what to do yet. In the end it had been his suggestion to drive me back to the airport the next morning, so I could 'go back to my man and figure out a thing or two', as he had put it. I had taken him up on his offer, and now I was here. «Can I come home?» I asked, looking pleadingly up at James.
«Look at you, you're shaking, get inside before you catch your death out there!» He ushered me inside the hallway, hoisted my suitcase inside and closed the door behind both of us. «And, that was the stupidest question I have ever heard,» he added in a sour mutter as he undid my jacket and took it off.
«Fucking hell its miserable outside,» I swore, shaking violently.
«Come on,» he ordered, tugging at my arm, his hand felt warm around mine. I quickly kicked off my shoes and followed him through to the living room. Snatching up a big fleece-blanket draped over the back of a chair he wrapped it tightly around me, then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. I was still shaking, frozen to the bone, and I welcomed James' attention and his taking care of me. He rubbed my arms and my back vigorously, trying to get some warmth back into me. «I'm going to make you a cup of tea, all right? Sit down, try to get warm,» he said, still rubbing my arms.
«Can I have a kiss first?» I asked innocently.
«That's the second most stupid question I've ever heard,» James smiled and leaned in for a kiss.
«Bloody hell, you're cold,» he mumbled against my lips as his warm skin hit mine, it felt like he was on fire. «Sit.» He commanded, pointing at the sofa, then he disappeared into the kitchen. I sank down on it, cocooned in my big blanket. Looking around the living room nothing had changed. Of course it hadn't. It had been less than two weeks since I was here last, and it simultaneously felt like a second and a lifetime ago. I listened to how James flicked on the kettle and clattered around with mugs and spoons, smiling to myself. They were such everyday sounds, but at that moment they sounded amazing to me, familiar and safe. After a few minutes James returned with two cups of tea and handed me one. I accepted it gratefully and blew a little on it before taking a careful sip. James couldn't keep quiet for long. «Please don't tell me you took the tube here? Lugging that suitcase up and down stairs...» He asked. Smiling I shook my head a little.
«No, I was a good girl and took a taxi. It was a cold taxi, though. And I'm anemic, I don't have much blood in me to keep me warm,» I added as a joke. James tilted his head and looked at me with sympathy.
«I would've picked you up, you know. If I knew you were coming today,» he said, looking down at the floor.
«I know you would have. But I wanted to surprise you,» I said, placing me teamug on the table.
«Is everything okay with your dad?» James asked.
«Oh, yeah, he's fine. It was nice to see him. We had a long talk.»
«That's good. Good...» James repeated, nodding slowly. He was sitting a little away from me on the sofa, albows on his knees, looking at the floor again. Suddenly I felt like there was some distance between us, not just physically but emotionally as well. He seemed tense and insecure, and I couldn't bear it.
«James?» I said mildly. He raised his eyes and looked at me. Needing to close the gap I inched right up to him on the sofa, leaning against him and resting my head on his shoulders. James seemed a little surprised, but he rested back against the sofa and wrapped an arm around my shoulder anyway, holding me tight. «I'm sorry if I'm being clingy, I just... need you, need to be close to you. I've missed you soo much. And I need to warm up,» I added.
«That's okay, sweetie. I've missed you too. I don't mind holding you, I could do that forever,» James answered. «I just didn't know if you wanted me to,» he added a little sadly, squeezing me a little and placing a kiss at the top of my head. I gave a contented sigh and rested against him, feeling how life and warmth slowly trickled back into my body. Both of us kept quiet for a long time, just enjoying being together again, being close. After a while James cleared his throat. «How are you feeling today?»
«I'm... okay. Better than I have been for the past month, really. The nausea seems to be waning, I must be over the worst bit. Still feel like I have no energy... Guess I have a lot of eating to catch up on,» I shrugged.
«You do, you've gotten skinny,» James pointed out. «Have you really been nauseous like that every morning since the day I left?»
«Yeah, pretty much... That first day I really thought it was just a tummy bug. On the fourth morning I couldn't ignore my suspicions any more, so I got all these home tests. And they all said the same thing, so I went to see Kellie, and she did a proper lab-test... She gave me a sick-leave because I just couldn't deal with day-shifts, I was pretty much incapacitated until noon every day. And working with babies was just.. torture in the state I was in.»
«Was she the only one you talked to about it?» James asked.
«Yeah...» I nodded. «I just... I didn't want to talk to anyone about it but you. This was something just between the two of us and I didn't want to involve anyone else. I'd feel like I betrayed your trust or something if I did that,» I explained.
«I can't imagine what that was like, though... Must've been hard, carrying that around on your own and have no one to talk to about it. And being sick on top of everything,» James said kindly, his voice full of empathy. This was the understanding, kind James that I knew, and that I had missed so much. Still resting my head against his shoulder I fiddled with a button on his shirt, thinking back to the mental and emotional chaos I had felt while waiting for James to come home. Just the thought of it made me feel anxious and sad.
«Yeah, it was... horrible. I was either nauseous, or I slept or I cried. I was panicking, wondering what it would do to you and me, terrified that this would just tear us apart and ruin everything. And it nearly bloody well did. We were in such a good place, I loved how you and I were, our relationship was just.. perfect and then this happened and I was so... sad about it.» My voice grew more and more constricted as I spoke, tears welling up in my eyes, but I needed to tell James this, all of it, get it off my chest. «I felt so... trapped, I was desperate. And I had all these horrible thoughts, I was walking around hoping for a miscarriage. I thought about throwing myself down the stairs, or going on a massive alcohol binge, or going out to run five miles... Anything that might... It sounds crazy, I know, but I was just so... trapped...» I was crying for real now, reliving the despair I had felt. James hugged me tighter and kissed my temple.
«Oh, honey... I so sorry you had to go through all that on your own. The way I reacted when I came home... I've always been sorry about that, but even more so now. I wish you'd talked to somebody about it, I would have understood that you needed to.»
«I know, I probably should have, I just... wasn't thinking very clearly.»
«I guess none of us were,» James conceded with a sad sigh. Another long silence fell between us, punctuated by a few sniffs from me. It felt good to have told him, to have been honest about what it had been like, and all the awful thoughts I'd had. It felt even better to be held by James, be comforted by him and to have his support and understanding. James' hand caressed my arm and every now and then he gave me a kiss on the forehead, each and every one was meant that show he was sorry.
«James? Did you mean it when you said you wanted to have this baby?» I asked, unable to hold in a question that was burning in me.
«Of course I did. I'm not going to say something like that and just... change my mind about it,» James said seriously, pulling back a little to look at me.
«But.. you didn't just say that because you thought that was what I wanted to hear? Because you thought that was the only way you could save this relationship or... because you wanted to make me happy?»
«Emily, I would do just about anything in the world to make you happy. But saying yes to having a child isn't one of those things,» James said resolutely. «That wouldn't be very fair on you, or the baby.»
«But what made you change your mind? You've always said you didn't want kids,» I persisted. James didn't reply at first, but was deep in thought.
«This past week... gave me a lot of time to think, I've thought about you constantly, and about this baby. That night I came home, you called it 'my child', and that was what completely freaked me out. Suddenly it wasn't just 'a pregnancy', it was my child.» He looked at me intently, his blue eyes begging for me to understand. And I did, I did understand him, because I had experienced the same feelings, the same fear and amazement. «I've always said I didn't want children because I never thought I'd be in a position to have any. First I was too young, too unestablished, then I was too busy. I've never really met anyone I could see myself having children with, either. And I thought I never would, that I was just destined not to have kids. Until I met you. I don't know, seeing you with baby Emily, or with Max or Amalie, it just... does something to me, I'm not sure I even can explain it. I just feel like I want that, I want us to have that. I want you to have the experience of being a mum. If that's what you want, too.» A silence fell between us as we just looked into each other's eyes, having a wordless conversation in which we both knew we'd reached a decision.
«So... Are we saying we're having a baby?» I asked timidly, needing to voice it.
«I think we are...?» James said, nodding slowly and raising his eyebrows a little in surprise. Another stunned silence fell as we both let it sink in. We were having a baby.
«James..? Are you as scared as I am?»
«Terrified. Absolutely petrified,» James admitted quickly, looking relieved to hear me admit it too. We both let out a liberating laugh. I threw my arms around James and hugged him tight, laughing and crying at the same time. James peppered kisses across my face until his lips found mine, and he cupped my face with his hands and caressed my cheeks while he kissed me deeply. When we broke apart his hands were still on my face. «Are you laughing or crying?» James asked, laughing himself.
«I don't know,» I giggled and quickly wiped my face with the back of my hand. «In any case, they're happy tears. Happy, relieved, surprised tears.»
«I love you,» James said and kissed me again.
«I love you more,» I giggled, then rested back against James' shoulder. Another long silence fell as we both tried to let it sink in. My mind was reeling. Were we really doing this?

«Have you eaten anything? You hungry?» James asked after a while, obviously keen on taking care of me and seeing to it that I ate enough.

«Yes, I am hungry, actually, when you mention it. Haven't eaten since the airport in Oslo. Ugh, and I need a shower, I always feel like I need one after being confined inside a metal tube with a bunch of people.»

«I'll order in some food, and you'll have a shower, then, is that the plan?» He suggested, and I nodded.

«I'm gagging for Chinese food, I haven't had any for decades!» I complained.

«Chinese it is,» James smiled, not even bothering to ask what I was having. He already knew. I got out of the sofa to go upstairs while James headed into the kitchen to rummage through the drawer of take-out menus. My suitcase was still at the door and I grabbed it, intending on taking it upstairs.

«Emily! Don't..!» James exclaimed, having spottted me from the kitchen. Making his way over to me he resolutely took the suitcase out of my hand. «This weighs a tonne. Let me do that?»

«Aw. Are you concerned your pregnant woman is doing too much heavy lifting?» I teased.

«Yes,» he said simply, blinking a little awkwardly.

«Thank you, love. You take good care of me,» I smiled, giving him a peck on the cheek.  

Chapter 52

On our way back from the restaurant I realised I was exhausted. Even though I had been given blood and fluids at the hospital I still felt a little weak. Now that James was nearby I was more relaxed than I had been in weeks, and now I really felt how little energy I had. Opening the front door I was greeted by Max, steaming towards me at full speed with arms outstretched and a wide smile on his face. I caught him just as he was about to trip over his own feet, lifted him up and gave him a big hug.
«Max, my man! Hows my favourite toddler?» I smiled. Max's short little arms clasped around my neck.
«Em-lee!» He squealed.
«At least someone is happy to see me,» I giggled and gave the boy a kiss on his cheek. I carried Max into the livingroom, James trailing behind me. Elin appeared from the kitchen with Amalie and both gave me hugs and welcomed me back, then they went back to their project of tidying up after dinner. With a groan I sank down into an armchair. Max sat in my lap for a little while, but he quickly got restless and crawled down from my lap and went back to his cars. Just as James sat down in the sofa his phone made a sound and he quickly looked at it, then sighed.
«I have some e-mails I have to answer...» he said a little apologetically.
«Sure, go on. I'm just going to sit here for a while and... be,» I smiled weakly. «I don't have much energy these days.» James dug out his laptop and began tapping away at his computer while I stared absent-mindedly at the TV, happy to just sit. After they had sorted out the kitchen, Elin took her daughter for a bath. A little while later Amalie came stomping determinedly into the living room in her pyjamas, carrying a book under her arm.
«I said I wanted auntie to read to me!» She called defiantly back to her mum.
«But Emily is probably very ti--» Elin shouted back, trying to be considerate.
«It's all right, I'll read to her!» I said loudly. Amalie climbed into my lap with a smug expression. Mostly Amalie did the reading, she was after all eight now, I only helped her out with a few difficult words and explained to her if she didn't understand the meaning of a sentence. I looked at James over the edge of the book and caught him looking at us, seemingly deep in thought. After two long chapters I closed the book.
«That's probably enough, it's getting really late,» I said mildly.
«Aaw. Okay,» Amalie said a little sadly. «Auntie, why were you in the hospital? Isn't the hospital for sick people? You're not sick!» She said firmly.
«No, I'm not sick, sweetie,» I said and shook my head with a little smile. For a moment I wondered what to tell her. «You know when girls have a baby in their tummy?»
«Like mummy did with Max? Yeah!» She said, frowning a little.
«And when she had you! You were in her tummy once, too!» I pointed out, and she made a face, obviously thinking it was a strange thought. «Well, I have a baby in my tummy, now. And sometimes when girls have babies in their tummies, it can make them feel a little sick. I was very nauseous and felt ill, so I wasn't eating enough. At the hospital they helped me with that,» I explained, hoping it was enough to make her understand. «I feel a lot better now.»
«But...» Amalie began, looking confused. She pulled up my shirt to reveal my stomach. «But your tummy isn't big like mum's was!» She argued, poking it gently.
«It isn't, not yet,» I answered, touching my own stomach. «That's because the baby is still really, really small. But the baby will grow, and as the baby gets bigger, so will my tummy, until I'm big as a house!» At this Amalie giggled loudly.
«Is it a boy or a girl?» She asked.
«I don't know yet.»
«If its a girl, you can call her Hanna! Like Hanna Montana!» She said excitedly. Unable to help myself I broke out laughing.
«We'll see about that, sweetheart,» I giggled. «Now go on, get to bed before your mum gets mad!» Amalie nodded, crawled out of my lap and took her book with her, happy with her explanation. I watched her go, still giggling at her naming suggestion. James was looking at me with a bemused expression, obviously having watched the entire conversation. I heaved myself out of the armchair and sat down next to James, needing to be a little closer.
«What was all that about?» James asked curiously, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.
«She wondered why I had been in the hospital. So I told her.»
«Aah,» James said, understanding.
«She wondered why my tummy wasn't big like Elin's had been when she had Max,» I explained, and James chortled a little. «And if it was a girl, she suggested Hanna Montana as a name.»
«Can I veto that name right away?» James said with horror in his eyes, raising a finger.
«You don't have to, it's already vetoed!» I laughed. Resting back against James' arm I yawned widely. «You know, I might have to be really boring and go to bed soon...» I admitted, looking up at James.
«That's okay, you need your rest,» James said and squeezed me gently. He shifted a little in his seat, turning to face me. «Emily? Can I.. sleep next to you tonight?» He asked, looking awkward and shy.
«Of course you can,» I said mildly. James smiled, looking relieved that I hadn't rejected him. «Where did you sleep last night?»
«Pull-out sofa downstairs.»
«Ouch. No wonder you want to sleep in my bed,» I teased. «I'll go get your duvet and things, take it upstairs,» I said as I got up.
«All right. I'll be up in a bit, I have a little more work to do,» James sighed.
«Take your time, I won't fall asleep just yet,» I smiled and ran a hand over his hair. I went to get the pillows and duvet that James had used and carried it upstairs to the double bed in the guest room where I had been staying. Now that both kids were in bed I knew I would find Elin in her office by her computer. I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to her properly since James arrived. When I entered she looked up and motioned for me to sit.
«James is sleeping in my room tonight,» I said as I sat down. At this she raised her eyebrow a fraction.
«Oh really? Have you two.. sorted everything out?»
«Mmno, not everything,» I admitted. «I've missed him... We've missed each other. And we've told each other how sorry we are.»
«You both acted like bloody idiots,» she snorted derisively. «And the baby?»
«We... haven't quite decided, yet,» I said vaguely. «But its not totally out of the question, actually,» I added, unable to stop myself from smiling. Elin's jaw dropped.
«No?»
«I don't know yet,» I shrugged. «We'll have to talk more about it. Just... not today.»
«All right, I see,» Elin said with an understanding smile. «You seem better, though. Happier, calmer. You need him, you know.»
«I know,» I said simply. «Thank you for... everything. For taking me in. And for calling him. I never would have let you if you'd asked, but... You were right in doing it. Goodnight, Elin.»
«Nite nite.»

Half an hour later the door to the guest room opened slowly and James peered inside. I was lying under the covers but I was wide awake, playing on my phone.
«I'm beating Hammond at Wordfeud,» I said, holding out my phone as a way of explanation when James gave me a quizzical look.
«That can't be difficult,» he scoffed as he closed the door behind him.
«You coming to bed already?»
«Yeah. If you don't mind?» He asked timidly.
«Of course not, silly.» I shook my head a little and smiled. James seemed almost shy as he took off his jeans and his shirt and got into bed, coming to rest a little distance from me. Needing him closer I stretched out my arms toward him.
«Come here?» I asked quietly. James crawled under my duvet and into my arms, wrapping his arm around me and burying his head against my neck and shoulder. He squeezed me tight and I hummed, happy to have him in my arms and close again. I ran my hand through his hair. James' shoulders shook a little and it took a moment before I realised that he was crying. «Oh, James, it's okay sweetie...» I whispered soothingly as I hugged him tighter. Seeing James cry broke my heart, just as it had the first time, and I hated knowing that I was the reason for it. Being able to just hold him and comfort him felt good in a way, god knows how many times I had cried on James' shoulder, and now I could return the favour for once. I ran my hand calmly over his hair and back, just being there for him, letting him cry. Exactly why he cried didn't really mattered, he needed an emotional release just as much as I had done. We'd both been scared, hurt and confused, and we both needed some comfort and reassurance. Eventually James wiped his face and pulled back a little to look at me, his eyes red and puffy.
«I thought I'd lost you,» he said thickly, his eyes full of fear and sadness.
«I think I lost myself there for a while...,» I answered. «But I'm here now. I'm sorry that I left, that I shut you out... I made everything so much harder than it had to be.»
«I thought I'd never get to lay like this with you again,» James admitted. He looked at me searchingly, then he shook his head a little. «You're always making me chase after you,» he observed.
«Well, when you insist on acting like a tosspot... Of course I have to make you work a little for it,» I said with a laugh, and James gave a watery chuckle. «How long can you stay here?»
«I really should be getting back tomorrow,» he said apologetically. «There's some interviews, and some car reviews I have to do...»
«That's okay... I understand,» I said with a sad smile.
«Will you... come back with me?» James asked timidly, looking as if he was afraid of the answer.
«I'd love to, but I think I have to go see my dad first, I haven't seen him or my brother for ages. Just a couple of days.» At this James just nodded. He ran a hand gently over my temple and cheek, his eyes glittering as he looked at me.
«I really want to kiss you,» he admitted quietly.
«Then why don't you?» I challenged, sensing how my heart immediately started to beat faster in my chest. James licked his lips and leaned in so close that our noses were touching, but he stopped there, looking into my eyes. I closed the final gap between us, trembling a little as my lips touched his. His kisses were nervous at first. I opened my mouth to him, kissing him lovingly, wanting to reassure him that I truly wanted him to kiss me. As his confidence grew he buried his fingers into my hair, holding me close as he kissed me deeper and I hummed into his mouth. Gently I ran my fingertips down his spine and he shuddered a little. «I just realised I haven't kissed you in over a month,» I said as I pulled back slightly.
«We have some catching up to do, then,» James mumbled and pulled me in again, sucking a little at my bottom lip. I snuck a leg in between his and caressed his chest and neck. Our kisses quickly grew from considerate and loving to passionate and hurried. Having James' lips on mine again, his body against mine, his hands on me, it all felt exciting, safe and familiar. It felt like home. I was surprised to feel that glowing pit of arousal coming to life inside me – I wanted him, I wanted him to touch me and make love to me. James gave me a final, lingering kiss and pulled away. «I think we need to stop... Before I end up doing something very unseemly to you in your sisters house,» he blushed. I could feel his erection pressing against me. I smiled and nodded my agreement.
«You're right, we probably should,» I said with a giggle. I turned around in James' arms so he was lying behind me, his chest against my back. Taking his hand I wrapped his arm tightly around me and sighed happily, feeling safe. After a long silence James cleared his throat.
«If that was supposed to help, it really isn't,» he mumbled against the back of my neck. He hugged me tighter, pushing himself up against me and I could feel his erection against my bum, hard and warm. He kissed the back of my neck lazily, his tongue grazing over my skin.
«Stop it,» I warned, but giggled despite myself and turned around in his arms again. I pushed him down on his back and rested my head on his shoulder, draping an arm and a leg over him. «I haven't been this relaxed in... oh, it feels like years,» I mumbled, already getting drowsy.
«I know what you mean,» James said and kissed my forehead lightly.
«James?»
«Mm?»
«We'll figure this out, right? We'll be okay?»
«Of course we will,» James assured me. And with that, I drifted off to sleep.

A piercing cry tore me out of my deep sleep. Sensing James next to me I first thought I was in Hammersmith, and couldn't make sense of the noise. Then I remembered where I was, and recognised Max's cry. I crawled out of bed and stumbled through the hallway and into his room. The little boy was standing in his crib, crying almost hysterically. I scooped him up in my arms. He was trembling against me, his pajama clammy with sweat.
«Hey you, what's going on, huh? Sssh, it's okay, love,» I whispered soothingly. Pacing back and forth in his room I held him tight, rocking him in my arms. He clung to me for dear life, still shaking even though his crying had settled somewhat. «Max, what's wrong? Does something hurt?» The little boy just shook his head, face buried against my shoulder. «Are you scared? Did you dream something bad?» At this question his crying intensified a little again, confirming my suspicion. I knew that I'd had horrible nightmares and night terrors growing up as a child. «It's okay, baby, you're safe now, I'm here.» I patted his back as I kept pacing around in his room. A shadow appeared in the doorway, Elin was looking at us bleary-eyed and disheveled. Max's face was still buried against my shoulder, so he hadn't noticed his mother. I waved at her, signalling that she could go back to bed and that I could take care of Max. She mouthed a 'thank you' and shuffled off again. Max's sobs slowly died down, but he was still clinging to me. «Think you'll be able to go back to sleep now?» I asked quietly, stopping in front of his crib. He looked at his bed, then up at me, then shook his head sadly. «Hmm. What if you got to sleep in my bed, then? Between me and James?» At this Max gave a non-committal shrug and flopped his head back down against my shoulder. «Lets try that, then. But then we have to bring the rabbit, right?» I picked up his little comfort blanket with the rabbit-head and long ears. He reacher for it and clutched it against his chest. When I returned to the guest room the light on the nightstand was on, James had obviously woken up by Max's crying. «Someone had a nightmare,» I explained in hushed tones as I climbed into bed, holding Max tightly against me. The little boy came to rest with his head on my arm, fiddling with his comforter while habitually sucking on one of the rabbit-ears. «It must've been a really bad one, he's still shaking.»
«Aw, poor thing,» James mumbled huskily and ran his hand over the boy's back. At James' touch Max rolled over onto his back looked at James, blinking slowly as he started to relax a little.
«See, James is here too. We'll both watch over you, nothing bad will happen now,» I explained in hushed tones. James, not being able to tell the boy what he wanted to, just smiled mildly at him. «Go on, close your eyes, try to sleep,» I whispered, pulling the duvet over both of us. Max sighed deeply and closed his eye, a rabbit-ear still in the corner of his mouth. Resting my head on the pillow I placed a hand on Max's stomach and caressed him lightly, knowing I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep until Max was. James smiled as he watched the two of us.
«Lights out. Nite nite,» he said quietly and turned off the bedside lamp.

Chapter 51

Hospitals never give you much quiet, and I was awoken at 7 by the normal routines; blood tests and the rounds of blood pressure and other vitals. Luckily I fell asleep again, calmed by having talked to James and cleared the air, at least a little. By noon I got a text message. 'Can't stop thinking about you. Home alone at your sisters. Can I come see you?' I texted him back, telling him he could come. Forty minutes later he walked into my room, dressed in a dark pair of jeans and my favourite, dark blue shirt. Together with his tan and his overlong hair it made him look gorgeous, and I felt that electric jolt in my stomach.
«Hello,» he smiled, looking calm and happy.
«Hey you,» I smiled drowsily, having just had a nap.
«You look a bit better today?» He sat down and offered a hand, but left it up to me to take it. I snuck my hand into his and smiled weakly.
«I feel a bit better.»
«Sleep well?»
«Yeah... well, as good as anyone can sleep in a hospital bed,» I sighed, shifting uncomfortably on the bed. «I've told you I hate hospitals.» James chuckled a little and squeezed my hand.
«How's the nausea?»
«It's a lot better, today I've barely felt it. I actually had breakfast for the first time in a month.»
«That's good. I'm glad you're feeling better,» James smiled.
«Yeah. My blood pressure was good this morning too, I'm not dehydrated any more and my blood levels are better. So I'm getting out of here today,» I smiled back. «I'm waiting for all the paperwork to be done, might be another few hours.»
«You can come back to your sister's with me, then?» James said, smiling happily at me with twinkling eyes.
«Yeah, I'd like that,» I smiled back, squeezing his hand again. James hadn't let it go since he'd arrived. «What's it like staying at Elin's, then?»
«It's good, they're nice people. Your sister reminds me a lot of you. She actually lent me her car and let me drive here,» he added. I gave a surprised laugh.
«She'd only trust you with that because you're on the biggest motoring show in the world. She barely lets me drive it! How are the kids treating you, by the way?»
«Amalie is um... a little reserved. But Max, he likes things with wheels and engines so we get along just fine, we have mutual interests,» James said. I smiled a little as I had a mental image of Max who was always on the floor pushing his little fire trucks and cars around, and James playing with him. «They've asked for their auntie Emily, both of them,» James added. That was enough to make my eyes well up with tears again, I missed the kids and felt touched that they had asked for me.
«Oh, Ems...» James sighed, squeezing my hand. He leaned in closer, looking at me intently. «Do you know what I think is going on with you? I think this pregnancy has taken such a toll on you because you're not able to make the decision to terminate it. Because I think that you, in your heart of hearts, want to have this baby.» I opened my mouth to respond, but James gave me a look which asked that I let him finish. «When baby Emily came into your life, she... changed something in you. You would never admit to it, and you tried to hide it, but letting her go damn nearly broke your heart. I think that protecting her, taking care of her, feeling needed and depended upon... It didn't scare you half as much as you thought it would. And now that you have the chance to experience that again, maybe you've realised that it's what you want.» At first I didn't find my voice. James' words had made my heart stop, I felt like he could see straight into my head and my heart and pinpoint exactly what I hadn't managed to put into words myself. Worst of all was that I knew he was right. I wanted to keep it. But I couldn't.
«No, James, no...» I began, and once again my voice was constricted with tears, but I continued to talk through the sobs. «I don't want to keep this baby, I can't! I can't take care of a baby of my own, I don't want to, it's too hard. I don't want to be a single mum, I'd rather not have kids. A child deserves a mum and a dad who wants it and loves it and...» James squeezed my hand again and shushed me quietly, trying to stop my teary rambling. I took a slow, ragged breath, closing my eyes, trying to stop crying. James was quiet for a while, waiting for me to calm down.
«Emily... Ever since I came back and found the house empty, I have been so many things with you,» James said, but not unkindly. «I've been a little angry, and incredibly frustrated, I've been sad and absolutely sick with worry. And I've been climbing the walls missing you. But despite being upset and wanting to talk to you I've had so many odd thoughts popping into my head. Is it a boy or a girl? Will it take after Emily, or me? Who will it look like? What if the poor thing gets my laugh?» Despite myself I gave an involuntary, watery chuckle. And James continued. «Would a carseat actually fit in the back of a Porsche? Maybe we'd have to get a big Volvo? Would we need a bigger house?» James paused and gave an audible sigh. «Emily, I don't want children, I’ve always been honest about that...»
«I know that, James,» I said quietly, looking straight into James' eyes. Of course I knew that. And I wanted him to know that, because I didn't want to sit here and ask him for anything, least of all that he'd have a baby with me. I looked away from him again, sighing heavily. So this was where we were. I wanted to keep it, even though I wished I didn't want to. And James didn't want children. His hand squeezed mine again to draw my attention and I looked at him.
«Emily, you don't have to do this alone. As much as I've said I don't want children... I want your child. Our child. If that's what you want, too.»
«What...?» I said stupidly, blinking a few times. James' words washed over me, and I couldn't believe them. This changed everything. Ever since I had found out about my pregnancy I had thought about it on the basis that James wouldn't want to keep it, no matter what. And that if I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion, I would lose James over it. But now, everything was different. I was amazed that James had been wondering about the same things I had. He's said he wanted to have this baby if that was what I wanted. But what did I want? «Emily, say something.»
«I... I don't know what to say. I need... to try and sort my head out, to think...» I said slowly, frowning a little. «Can I have some time?» I looked at James pleadingly.
«Of course you can, sweetie,» James said, looking mildly exasperated over the fact that I even had to ask. He squeezed my hand reassuringly again.
«Thanks...» I said, returning his gentle smile. I fell deep into thought a while, and James kept quiet and gave me time to think, fiddling with his phone. After a while I felt my head was just spinning around in circles and I gave up trying to figure anything out for now. With a sigh I sat up on the edge of the bed.
«Don't get up, you'll fall over,» James reminded me dryly.
«Yes, I know, thank you!» I said with a little chuckle. «I just need to sit, I feel like I've been lying down for months.» James put the phone down and studied me, worry still visible on him. Suddenly I felt guilty again, and selfish, everything had been about me lately. I reached for his hand and he gave me it. «So, how have you been lately?» James looked a little surprised at the question.
«Oh, you know.. I'm useless without you,» he began quietly, giving a little shrug. «I haven't done much since I came back from Africa, just written a few articles. I had scheduled for a few weeks downtime anyway, knowing how rough filming these specials can be. Spent most of my time in the garage trying to fix things, really. Or breaking them, however you look at it. Mostly I've been thinking about you, missing you and... worrying. Feeling sorry for how I treated you.»
«That shoot was a rough one, huh? You looked pretty knackered when you came home.»
«It was! I was absolutely broken,» James admitted.
«I probably picked the worst time to tell you something like what I told you that night... Maybe I should have told you on the phone after all,» I mused.
«Maybe..» James agreed. «No point thinking about that now, anyway, whats done is done.» I nodded my agreement and sighed.
«Ugh, I need to get out of here,» I complained and slumped back down on the bed. «Bored.» James chortled and shook his head a little at my childish ways.
«Play with your iPad or something. We'll get out of here soon enough.» His paternal manner made me burst out laughing, but I dug my iPad out of my packed bag and wasted some time on it anyway. An hour later a nurse entered with all my discharge papers. As I sat on the edge of the bed she gave me some stern words about taking iron and folate supplements and about checking my hemoglobin levels and blood pressure. I nodded dutifully and promised that I'd take better care of myself from now on. I knew all the things she was lecturing me about, I just hadn't had a reason to do any of them. But maybe now I did. The nurse gave me a hug, wished me good luck and disappeared.
«I'm free!» I announced and got up. James watched me nervously with his arms half outstretched, ready to catch me any second if my knees buckled again. «Relax, I can stand on my feet. As long as I take my time,» I reassured him and got my shoes on. James took my bag and we walked out of the hospital and to the car in silence. Being out of the hospital felt wonderful, just the smell of fresh air was great, but it was November 1st and bitterly cold. «Keys,» I commanded as we reached the car. He looked at me hesitantly, but cowered under my glare and fished the keys of out of his pocket.
«You're just seizing the opportunity to drive your sister's car,» James smirked as he got in the passenger seat.
«No. I know this city a lot better than you, you dinnum. I used to live here for a year!» I argued.
«Really? I didn't know that,» James said as he buckled in and I started the car.
«In another lifetime, I was 19. I really wanted to study development, you know.. humanitarian work, third world countries.. But I didn't get in. I was so hell bent on living down here because my sister was pregnant so I studied history for a year in stead. That's where I read the Jared Diamond books.»
«Oh, right.»
«Which is why I have an irrational, deep hatred of Phillip the Second of Spain.»
«What?»
«Long story,» I waved. «We had an assignment where we had to read three biographies on him and compare 'the authors view on Phillip the Second's foreign policies'...» James snored loudly to demonstrate his boredom. «See, even Captain Slows fall into a coma over that.»
«I thought maybe I could take you out for dinner later?» James asked when he had finished laughing. «You need a proper meal. Lots of them, actually.»
«That sounds lovely, I'd like that. Hospital food is... well, hospital food. There's a good steakhouse in town?»
«Sounds good.»
Returning to the house we were greeted by dead quiet. My sister was snoozing on the sofa and the kids and her husband were obviously out somewhere. I dropped my bag off, quickly changed clothes and left her a note saying where we went. Over dinner our conversation was a little awkward and slow. We made an effort to chat about normal, everyday things, but it wasn't easy. There were so many unresolved things between us, things we both needed and wanted to talk about, decisions to make. But this wasn't the place and we both knew that. When the conversation turned to James' trip to Africa things loosened up a little, I bombarded him with questions and he talked eagerly about what sounded like an exciting, exhausting and sometimes surreal adventure. For the first time in what felt like months I laughed, loudly and properly, it had been such a long time the sound felt alien in my own ears. Spending time with James again felt both familiar and strange, I still hadn't quite gotten my head around the fact that he was actually here. Part of me had truly believed that I would never see him again. Now I couldn't even remember why I had been so sure of that.

Chapter 50

James knocked quietly on the door and listened intently for a reply. Everything was quiet inside. Thinking Emily might be asleep he gently opened the door and peered inside. There was a little corridor with a door leading off to what he assumed was a bathroom. The hospital bed was half-hidden and he had to walk inside the room to look around the corner and see the entire room. Just as he peeked around the corner to find that the room was empty, he heard the tap running in the bathroom. James froze in the middle of the floor. What should he do? Go sit down? Knock on the bathroom door, make himself known? Or run out of the room and give her the chance to deny him entrance? He would look like such a clot if he tried retreating and was caught. Unable to make a decision he stayed rooted to the spot, staring hypnotized at the door.

Coming out of the bathroom I noticed a shape in the corner of my eye made that me stop in the doorway and look up. James was staring at me, like a deer caught in the headlights, wide-eyed and wound like a spring. For a moment I was unable to do anything but stare back at him, at his face that still had a tan from being in Africa, and his over-long hair which he obviously hadn't gotten around to sort out yet.
«James...» I began, hearing the surprise in my own voice. As I said so I took an aimless, distracted step forward. «Ow! Fuck! God damn it..!» When I had gone to the bathroom I'd just taken the IV bag with me and hanged it on the towel hook. It was still there, but the tube had got caught on the sink. The tape holding the cannula in place had began falling off in places, and when I had taken a step forwards the tube was stretched taught and yanked the peripheral cannula, and the tape holding it in place, right off my arm. The pain of it made me swear loudly out of pure instinct. With James being there I had reverted to swearing in English without even thinking about it. I spun around and saw the IV tubing lying on the floor, dripping blood and Ringer solution onto the floor. I quickly closed off the drip and picked the tube up off the floor. Then I noticed the pools of blood on the floor, and something warm and wet trickle over my fingers.
«What did you do?!» James' voice was somewhere between exasperation and panic as he looked over my shoulder into the bathroom. I yanked a few paper towels out of the dispenser and held it against the bleed.
«I moved, IV tube got caught on something and it yanked the thing out,» I said with a tired sigh, looking from the bloody mess on the floor to James. He seemed worried as his eyes darted from my face to my hand to the blood on the floor.
«The thing..?» He said a little confused.
«You know, the...» I held out my hand, gesturing to the tube, trying to make him understand. «The thing, the.. injection valve!» I rambled, so distracted by James' presence that I had lost most of my vocabulary.
«... Injection valve?» James repeated dryly, I could tell by the look on his face he was trying to bite back an amused smirk.
«Peripheral cannula! That's the word,» I said, suddenly remembering. Then it was like all the air went out of me. «Ugh, I need to sit down.» I hobbled past James and sat down on the bed. I didn't know what had made me light-headed, if it was just the trip to the bathroom or the shock of James' sudden appearance. The hospital bed's adjustable back was raised into as half-sitting position and I slumped back against it and breathed heavily, still feeling dizzy. James trailed nervously after me, not quite sure what to do with himself. I nodded weakly to the chair by the bed, signalling that it was OK for him to sit down. Thinking I better tell the nurses about my little accident I pressed the call button. He sank down on the chair and looked at me silently for a long time, concern and sadness written all over his face. The silence between us was opressive and heavy, and I had no idea how to break it. I wouldn't know what to say, I couldn't even decide if I was angry or sad or happy to see him. Just as he opened his mouth he was interrupted by the door opening. A nurse came in, stopping a little in her tracks as she saw the unfamiliar man by my bedside. She raised a quizzical, but discreet eyebrow at him without James noticing.
«He's the, um... the father,» I told her in Norwegian, not quite sure how else to title him.
«Oh, right,» she said with an understanding smile.
«Listen, I'm sorry, I sort of managed to yank my needle out,» I said apologetically, holding up my bloodied hand. «I should probably get another one in. Oh, and the bathroom looks like I've slaughtered something.»
«Oh, okay. Yeah, we should get another cannula in, but.. Maybe I should wait until you two have had a moment to talk...?» The nurse suggested delicately, expertly picking up on the awkward, tense mood in the room. «Not like there's any rush with that drip, it'll be up all night anyway. I'll sort the bathroom out later.»
«Okay...» I nodded and the nurse disappeared. James looked at me with raised eyebrows, expecting a translation.
«I need a new cannula in, but she was a bit busy right now...» I lied, gesturing to the bloody hand. «There's no rush anyway, it's just... saline, really. Electrolytes.» James just nodded, not saying anything. I couldn't tear my eyes away from James, wondering what was going to happen. Was he angry with me? Or just sad and disappointed? Why had he come here?
«God, you're a bloody mess,» James finally said with a sympathetic sigh, looking at my lower arm and hand which was covered in quickly drying blood. James' sudden arrival had made me so flustered and distracted I had forgotten all about it. There was a fresh wash cloth and a towel hanging off a little sink in the corner, he walked over to it and turned on the taps, letting it run a little to warm up before soaking the wash-cloth in water. Wordlessly he sat back down on the chair and began cleaning it off. I let him do it, watching him as he gently and tenderly cleaned my hand and wrist. My mind was still reeling from having suddenly found James in my hospital room. My emotions hadn't caught up with reality yet, and I still didn't know how to feel about him being here. The blood and the wash-cloth brought back memories I hadn't considered for months. I cleared my throat before breaking the silence.
«So, I've been trying to suss this one out...,» I began. «What is a long-haired, British television presenter doing in a Norwegian medical ward?» Already while I was mid-sentence James had started smiling, remembering the conversation we'd had the first day we met. James' eyes flicked up to me, then went back to focusing on my hand.
«I guess the roles have been reversed,» he admitted with a slow nod, his eyes a little unfocused as he too seemed to be reliving the memories. «This time you're the one in a hospital bed and I'm the one cleaning the blood.»
«Well... I've always said you'd be a good nurse,» I said quietly. He smiled and gave a little nod, flicking his eyes up to mine again for a moment.
«They've just put blood into you, you shouldn't go spilling it everywhere,» James observed dryly. Before I even had time to stop myself I let out a snort of laughter. He continued meticulously cleaning my hand, experiencing for himself just how stubborn dried blood can be. I was grateful for the silence, my thoughts were spinning but I was constantly distracted by James' touch. When my arm and hand was clean he gently wrapped the towel around it, drying it off properly, then discarded the used towel and bloody cloth into the sink, still holding my clean hand in one of his. I watched as his thumb began caressing the skin on my knuckles, gently and tentatively. The feel of James' familiar, loving touch instantly caused a painful, sour lump to swell in my throat, his touch brought out so much sadness and longing. And hurt. Unwilling to cry I pulled my hand away from him, knowing that if I cried now I would break down completely. I didn't have the strength for that, I'd had too many of them lately. I felt worn thin, like one more breakdown would truly break me. James' eyes lingered at his own, now empty hand. Then he cleared his throat and squared his shoulders, sitting up a little straighter before looking at me.
«Emily, I...» He began, then hesitated. «I don't know how to say this...» That was all it took for my heart to plummet to the floor and my eyes to well up with tears. A horrible, icy wave washed through me as all my fears began spinning around in my head. Was this it? Had he come here to end this? Once and for all? Was he really leaving me? Or maybe he thought that had I left him? Had I? Maybe this was already over? James sighed, closed his eyes for a second, shook his head a little and began again.
«Emily, I'm so sorry. That night I came home... I'm sorry for everything. For the way I reacted, for all the things I said. I was exhausted, the last bit of that trip was a nightmare and I was so worried about what was going on with you. I hadn't slept for a few days, I couldn't think straight. What you told me... I was so shocked, and I just panicked. Everything I said, it just... I didn't mean any of it, everything just came out wrong.»
«No, James, what you said was honest.» I said stubbornly, refusing to look at him. It wasn't going to be this easy, I wasn't going to let it, he couldn't just come here and say he was sorry and that he didn't mean it. Something must have caused him to say the things he did apart from exhaustion and worry.
«No, it wasn't!» He said adamantly, his voice a little shrill. «I was just fucking scared, and when people are scared they say a lot of stupid things they don't really mean. And I have a history of saying and doing stupid thing when I'm scared, we've established this,» he added with self-irony. For a moment I almost smiled, but I bit my lip, not wanting to give him the satisfaction. He studied me a little before continuing. «And I'm incredibly sorry that I left, I shouldn't have done that. I handled things awfully. I was exhausted, but that isn't an excuse because I know that you were exhausted, too. I couldn't think, I didn't think, I just had to sleep, try to get my head around it. I went to a hotel, took a few sleeping pills and slept until I checked out the next day. Then I went for some lunch because I was starving, and it gave me the chance to think for a bit. I didn't figure out much, just that I had been awful to you, and very unfair, the way I just dumped it all on you. I went out and bought some stupid flowers, and your favourite ice cream in case you weren't feeling too nauseous, and I went home to say sorry and to talk to you... And you'd gone.» His voice had been steady as he talked, but it cracked towards the end, giving away his sadness and guilt. I was surprised to find that what he had said had made me feel guilty too, I felt bad for not having given him a little more time to come around. I could only imagine how he had felt when he came home with his flowers and ice cream and the house had been empty. My house keys on the floor and no note. I knew had overreacted, just like he had, none of us had been thinking clearly. I still wasn't sure I was. I still felt angry for what he had said, for all the guilt and hurt he'd made me feel. «Emily, why did you just leave?» He asked, desperate to know the reason. His voice cracked again and his lower lip trembled as he added: «Were you never going to come back?»
«I just... couldn't sit there and wait for you to come back and throw me out.» I spoke as quickly as I could to get it out before the tears took over. I said it because it was the truth, it was what I had been most afraid of. And I wanted to be completely honest with him.
«Emily, I wouldn't have done that, I never would have...» His voice trailed off and he looked at me pleadingly, his eyes begging me to believe him. His arm twitched, as if he had been about to take my hand in his, but he stopped himself.
«I don't know, James, you seemed so... angry, like it was all my fault, like you hated me for...» My voice trailed off as I searched for words. «I never expected you to be thrilled, god knows I wasn't. But I had hoped for some understanding and some support. You've always been that way, understanding and supportive and calm. The way you reacted, it... I was so hurt and disappointed. I'd been terrified of how you were going to react, and all I wanted for weeks was for you to hold me and comfort me. So I ran, too...» I shrugged apologetically. «I didn't know where to go, Elin was the only one I could run to, really, she would at least understand about being pregnant. I guess she was the one who called you?»
«Yeah...» James admitted a little reluctantly. «She didn't want to, she felt bad about it, for going behind your back. But she felt she had to, she was worried about you and thought I ought to know you were here, what had happened.» At this I averted my eyes, feeling embarrassed about having landed myself in the hospital. James gave a long, sad sigh. I felt his eyes on me, looking at me searchingly, but I couldn't bring myself to look back at him.
«I thought about coming back, about calling you or... I know Elin tried to make me call you, too. I thought about it all the time. But I was just... scared. Maybe you were relieved that I'd left and taken my problem with me. Or maybe you didn't want to see me anymore because I had left...» I fiddled with the cover on my duvet as I spoke. This time James didn't stop himself, but took my hand in his to stop my nervous fiddling. I looked up and met his eyes.
«Do you really think I'd let go of you just like that?» He asked. The question was so simple, so innocent, yet it was more than enough to make me realise that my fears had been stupid, absurd even. The way he had said it made it so perfectly clear that he hadn't though about letting me go at all, not even once. It made me feel sad, ashamed that I hadn't had more faith in him, in us. He'd had a bad reaction, granted, but I was the one who had run away and shut him out this time. I was the one who had let fear take control of me. «How could you think that I didn't want to see you again? When I came home I tried calling you, over and over... I sent you about a million e-mails, I called hospitals, Cathy, Kellie..»
«I know, James, I know...» I said and squeezed his hand, willing him to stop talking. Hearing the desperate concern in James' voice made the guilt and regret swell painfully inside me. Silence fell between us again, and I found myself caressing James' hand with my thumb.
«So how are you feeling?» James asked, desperate to keep the conversation going. When I met his eyes again they were mild and full of worry and empathy.
«Like shit,» I grumbled and he laughed once through his nose. «I feel... weak. And tired. Blood transfusion did help perk me up a bit,» I conceded.
«And then you went and spilled it all on the floor,» James pointed out and we both snorted. Our eyes met, and James' expression turned serious again.
«Emily, what are you doing to yourself? Are you trying to hurt yourself? Or the baby..?» He looked scared, pale, absolutely sick with worry. Seeing him only made me feel more guilty. I felt bad for all the worry I had caused.
«No, no, James, it isn't like that, I promise...» I shook my head, and I knew that I had just lost the battle with my tears, but I kept talking. «I just... The nausea has been giving me so much trouble, but I thought I was doing okay, that I managed to eat or at least drink enough. I didn't realise how badly I was doing. My body's signals are all mixed up, I'm not feeling like myself...»
«Okay, okay,» James said soothingly, patting my hand, signalling that I didn't need to explain any more. He believed me. Now that the floodgates had opened I couldn't stop, pent up emotions crashed their way forward, willing themselves out; fear, longing, anxiety, guilt and sadness. I turned over on my side, curled up into a ball and cried. James inched his chair closer to the edge of the bed. I felt him running his hand over my hair and down my arm, then wrapped it around me as best he could from where he sat, stroking my back soothingly. There was great tenderness and care in everything he had done since he came to the hospital, like he wanted to show that he wasn't angry or upset, just worried and wanting to take care of me. This was what I had wanted from him when he came home from Africa. My James, calm and thoughtful, but always the worrier. «It's okay, Emily. It's okay...» When my sobs had died down I sniffed, sighed loudly and opened my eyes. James was resting his head on the mattress, looking straight at me with kind and worried eyes. «Hello,» he said mildly. His smile and his characteristic 'hello' caused me to smile a little crookedly back at him. Smiling even wider he tucked a few stray strands of hair behind my ear. He straightened up in his chair and his hand found mine again.
«Listen, Emily... Thank you for not... Clawing my eyes out today, or throwing me out... You would have had every right to, the way I acted towards you and the things I said was... unforgivable, really.» He stared into his lap as he spoke, guilt and shame shining through him. «And thank you for listening to me, for talking to me, you didn't have to do that.»
«I wouldn't have had the energy to claw your eyes out,» I retorted and laughed once, but turned serious when I saw the look on his face. «Oh, James... What I did wasn't exactly.. sensible or fair either. I guess we've both been a bit... inconsiderate and caught up in our own emotions.»
«I don't blame you for leaving, really...» James said quietly.
«But I'm sorry that I did,» I admitted. «.. I'm glad you came here.»
«Yeah?» James asked, raising his eyebrows in cautious hope.
«Yeah,» I said with a little smile. There was a soft knock on the door and the nurse from earlier entered.
«I'm sorry to bother you, but it's time for some food. Want me to get something for you?» She asked kindly.
«No, no, I'll go get something myself from the buffet,» I said. She nodded, turned on her heels and disappeared.
«Feeding time,» I explained to James as I sighed and sat up a little. «They've been pretty strict with mealtimes. I've lost weight and the nausea and anemia will just get worse if I don't eat.»
«Yes, you have to eat,» he pleaded, before admitting: «when I first saw you today you scared the hell out of me...»
«I know, I look like death,» I sighed, then swung my legs out of bed and got up. Instantly my knees buckled under me and I was hit by a massive wave of vertigo. Thankfully James had quick reflexes and caught me before I thundered to the floor. With his arms wrapped around me he held me upright and manoeuvred me onto the edge of the bed. Still holding me in his arms he sat down next to me. «Whoa... got up too fast,» I breathed, blinking rapidly as I tried to regain some sense of balance. «Fucks sake, I hate feeling this weak and useless,» I sulked and leaned into James, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my head against his neck. I breathed deeply, taking in the familiar smell of him, feeling how his presence calmed me.
«You're not useless. You're just not well,» James said in that calm, annoyingly reasonable tone that I just couldn't argue with. He hugged me tighter and kissed my forehead gently, obviously happy that I was seeking closeness and comfort in him. «Poor sweetie. Listen, I'll go get you some food, keep you company while you eat if you want to. Then I'll leave so you can get some rest, I think you need that. All right?» I nodded wordlessly but I didn't let go of him.
«Just... sit with me for a bit first, OK?»
«Okay.» James pulled me a little closer and rested his chin on the top of my head, holding me close and running his hand up and down my arm. I took a deep breath, feeling calmer than I had been for over a month, somehow feeling a little more like myself. After a long silence I loosened my grip on him a little and sat up straighter.
«Food?» He asked simply, smiling kindly and caressing my cheek with his thumb. Part of me wanted to kiss him, but I wasn't sure if I could. Or if he would want me to. So I held back, deciding to wait. I told James what I wanted from the buffet and gave him directions on where to find it, then rested back down on the bed, thinking it was the best place to stay. I pressed the button for the nurse again, and guessing what I had called her for she entered with all the equipment for inserting a new peripheral cannula. She organised all the things she needed then sat down on the chair James had just inhabited. While working on my arm, finding a vein, she looked up at me meaningfully.
«Everything okay?»
«Yeah, I'm fine, he's just off getting some food for me. I'm a bit dizzy,» I explained and gave a weak smile.
«That's the first time I've seen you smile properly since you came here,» she observed, and left it at that. The nurse was just re-hanging my drip when James entered with a tray full of food.
«Did you empty the entire buffet?» I teased.
«You're eating all of it, and that's that,» he said sternly as he set the tray down on my nightstand.
«He's right, you know. Good man, I like him,» the nurse said in english, pointing at him and giving him a smile before exiting the room. James kept me company while I ate, flicking through the channels on the TV but giving up as he realised it was all in Norwegian. Having finished nearly all my food I pushed the tray away and slumped back against the pillow, yawning a little. James registered the yawn and turned off the TV.
«Want me to bugger off and let you get some sleep?» He asked mildly.
«Both yes and no,» I said with a tired smile. «I wish you could stay, but sleepovers are frowned upon here.»
«They probably are,» he chuckled. «I'll see you tomorrow though? If you want to?»
«Of course,» I smiled drowsily. «Is my sister picking you up?»
«Yeah, I have to call her,» he said, obviously not having thought that far.
«Stay here until she's here, then?» Part of me didn't want to let him go, and I didn't have the heart to kick him out until I knew Elin was here to pick him up. James quickly called my sister who agreed to pick him up. «Tell her later that I'm not mad at her, will you?» I asked when James had hung up.
«She was worried that you would be,» James admitted.
«I know,» I said simply. She was after all my sister. I stretched out an arm towards James. Hesitantly, as if he was afraid he would be overstepping some sort of boundary, he took my hand in his, interlacing our fingers. His thumb caressed my hand like he had a habit of doing. For a long moment we just looked at each other, just needing to see each other, be with each other without saying anything.
«Go to sleep,» James said quietly, squeezing my hand a little. I closed my eyes, comforted by James' presence and his hand holding mine.

Chapter 49

As Elin walked through her own front door she realised her patience had run out. That was it. For the 9 days Emily had stayed so far, Elin had tried her best to get her to talk about what was going on in her head. What was she going to do with the baby? And James? Had she left him for good? But Emily wouldn't talk. She'd tried getting Emily to contact James, but that was just out of the question. And Elin didn't want to push her too hard, scared of what that might to do her sister. She sensed how frail and fragile Emily was, even though she did her best to put on a brave face and act normal. And Elin was worrying herself sick, walking on needles and waiting for the inevitable breakdown. And now it had happened and Emily. The phone call from the hospital had scared Elin out of her wits, and now she was scared and a little angry. Elin knew Emily had gotten a norwegian phone number just so she wouldn't have to face talking to James. She also knew James had sent Emily dozens of mails, she had seen them one day when Emily had forgotten to log out of her e-mail on Elin's computer. Elin disliked snooping around, but she couldn't resist, feeling like she had to know if James had tried contacting her at all. All of the e-mails were in the trash, all of them unread.
With a sense of guilt Elin hunted out Emily's handbag and found her phone. Relieved to find that it wasn't locked with a code, she opened the contact list and was happy to find that James' number was still stored on it. Quickly typing the phone-number into her own phone she immedately tried calling him. No answer. With her heart in her throat she quickly typed in a message to him, as if she was worried someone was going to catch her in the act of sending him a message.
«Hi, it's Elin, Emily's sister. I need to talk to you, it's important. Could you please call me?» Elin put the phone down, went upstairs and started to rummage around in the guest room where Emily had been staying, trying to think of what she might need at the hospital. Phone charger, toiletries, some clothes, a few books. She dropped everything when she heard her phone ring downstairs. Her heart plummeted to her knees when she saw James' name on the display. What was she even going to say to him?
«Hello, it's Elin?» She answered, trying to sound formal.
«Hi, Elin, it's me. James. Sorry, I didn't have the phone on me earlier...» he said, but his voice trailed off as if he couldn't bring himself to ask about Emily. Had Elin seen her? Talked to her? What was going on? Was she all right?
«Oh, it's all right,» Elin said comfortingly. «Listen, James, Emily doesn't know I've contacted you...» Best to get it off her chest right away.
«I've tried contacting her. But her UK number is disconnected and she won't answer my emails.” At the mention of Emily's name James' voice turned desperate and apologetic. “I've thought about contacting you or your brother, trying to find her. I figured she had to be in Norway, none of her friends here in England has seen or heard from her. But I thought that you probably wouldn't want to talk to me either. I didn't want to put you in an awkward position...» He sounded so desperately unhappy as he tried to explain and Elin felt a wave of sympathy for him. «I don't even know where she is...»
«I know, James, I know...» Elin soothed. «I know you've tried to contact her, I saw the emails by accident. I've thought about contacting you many times, James, but... I just didn't fancy going behind her back like that, for one. I wanted to try and make her contact you on her own. I mean... Emily hasn't told me much, just that you reacted in a bad way. That being said, I don't agree with how Emily is handling it either, she's just.. trying to ignore it, displace it.»
«So you must've seen her, then..?»
«Yeah, she's been living here ever since she... came from London. She felt she couldn't go to dads or Eric, she wouldn't know how to explain.»
«Oh.. okay...» James sounded thoroughly lost.
«Listen, James, I needed to talk to you because Emily is in the hospital.»
«Hospital...?» James repeated, sounding stunned.
«She's all right,» Elin hastened to add before James could wind himself up too much. «She was out for a walk earlier today and collapsed, some passers by found her, called an ambulance. At the hospital they said her blood pressure was very low and her heart rate a bit erratic, they think the low pressure caused her to pass out. They took a lot of blood tests. She had electrolyte imbalances because of dehydration. They also told me she was anaemic, which could also be the reason for her blacking out.» Elin stopped talking, giving James some time to let the information sink in.
«But is she still...» He began. Elin relieved him of having to finish his question, she had heard the fear and concern in his voice.
«Yeah, she's still pregnant,» she said kindly. «And the baby is just fine. Emily is just... a wreck, James. The nausea is still giving her trouble, even more than I was aware of. If I didn't know any better I would say this was just... killing her. The pregnancy, not knowing what to do about it, being without you, being away from London...»
«Elin, please, I need to see her, I need to talk to her. Do you think I could come to Norway?» He asked hesitantly.
«Yeah, I think you should,» Elin said with relief. «I wanted to ask you if you would, actually.»
«All right. Just tell me which airport to go to and I'll ring you later when I've sorted out flights and things.» Elin and James worked out the details, she told him which airport to fly to and gave him the address. They agreed to talk more when James was in Norway, and hung up. Elin didn't quite know how to feel about it. Partly she felt relieved that she had contacted him, having thought about it for so long. And she felt relieved he was coming. But she felt guilt too, she wondered how livid Emily would be when she found out what she'd contacted James. With a sigh she got up and went back to packing the overnight bag for Emily. The prospect of going to the hospital frightened her a little, not knowing what state Emily would be in. She considered telling Emily that she's contacted James, that he would be coming to Norway. Maybe it would lessen the shock a little. But if she gave Emily the heads up, maybe Emily would feel like she was cornered and decide to run away again.

James arrived in a taxi the next afternoon, having refused that Elin come pick him up. Elin had insisted that James at least stay with them and not at a hotel, and he'd accepted the compromise. Once again Elin had wanted to send her kids, this time she's sent them off to go swimming.
«Hello, James,» Elin said with a gentle smile as she opened the door. He returned her smile tiredly, looking harassed and tense.
«Hello.» Elin even pulled him in for a hug, a little surprised at herself. She could tell how upset James was just by looking at him and was hit with a wave of sympathy. She'd only met James once, but she felt like she knew him through everything Emily had told her about him, and from the times James had joined in their webcam chats. And now, their mutual concern for Emily had brought them a little closer. James hugged her back, albeit a little shyly, and Elin ushered him inside. James accepted Elin's offer of coffee and she busied herself making it while James got out of his jacket and shoes. James joined Elin in the kitchen and they sat down by the kitchen table, both cradling steaming mugs.
«Was your flights okay?» Elin asked, blowing at her steaming hot coffee.
«Yeah, just... they felt long, I wanted to get here,» James sighed. Elin wasn't going to torture James more with chit-chat, she knew the only thing on James' mind was Emily.
«I went by the hospital and saw Emily after we'd talked yesterday,» Elin said. «They were giving her a bloodtransfusion and fluids to get her bloodpressure stable again and sort out her electrolytes. She was just... weak and tired so I didn't stay long, she wanted to sleep.»
«But how can she be so anemic? Is she bleeding somewhere?» James asked, looking concerned.
«Well, when a woman is pregnant the amount of blood in her body increases by almost 50 percent. And if the body doesn't have enough iron reserves it won't be able to produce enough blood. Emily has been eating and drinking way too little for weeks and weeks because of her nausea and all the stress, so her body hasn't been able to keep up with the demand for more blood. The body prioritizes the baby, hence Emily passed out.»
«She looked really pale last time I saw her...» James said quietly, fiddling with the handle on his mug.
«I haven't seen her today, but talked to her on the phone. She says she feels a little better, the blood transfusion helped. But they want to keep her there a bit longer, she's still a bit woozy and her bloodpressure still isn't stable,» Elin explained.
«Good,» James nodded. «That they're keeping her there, I mean,» he added hastily.
«When I was about to leave the hospital yesterday... The doctor in charge of Emily's treatment wanted to talk to me,» Elin began. «She said she was considering doing a psychiatric evaluation on her.»
«Psychiatric...?» James said weakly, looking scared and confused.
«Yeah... She said that Emily obviously wasn't taking care of herself, even though she knows how to because she's a nurse and a smart woman. She also thought that Emily seemed very.. unbalanced, almost in denial about her pregnancy and refusing to talk about it. And Emily has a psychiatric history... I filled the doctor in on the situation, which made her understand Emily a little better. They were going to hold off on the psych evaluation. The doctor also admitted that it would be a difficult thing to do on Emily because she would instantly know what they were doing, which might just cause her to freak out completely.» As Elin spoke, James felt as if his heart was physically breaking in his chest. It killed him to hear what a state Emily was in, his Emily, the love of his life. And the guilt threatened to crush him, he felt like everything Emily was going through was entirely his fault. James cleared his throat.
«What do you think? Do you think she needs a psych evaluation?» He asked timidly. He valued her opinion, Elin had known Emily all her life, and through periods in Emily's life that had been very hard on her.
«She's... very frail and fragile, I feel like she's been walking around here being completely made of glass, and that it would take absolutely nothing to break her. I've been really worried about her, seeing her like that... it reminded me of how she used to be in her teens, and that was terrifying.» James just looked at Elin quizzically. «I don't know how much Emily has told you about the problems she had?» Elin asked.
«Not much, really...» James admitted. He could only remember Emily talking about her difficult past two times. «I know that she lost her mum when she was 12, and that she had depressions and anxiety for many years. And that she was suicidal at some point. And I know she lost her best mate. That's about it, really.» Elin had a sip of her coffee, then squared her shoulders a little, looking into James' eyes.
«If you had met Emily 10-15 years ago, you wouldn't have recognised her. She had the worst depressions, she could be fine one day, and the next she'd be in her bed, completely apathetic. And it would last for days, weeks. She had a cycle of being awake for 24 or maybe 48 hours, then passing out from exhaustion. She ate every two or three days, and only got out of bed to have a shower or eat. At night she would have the most horrible nightmares imaginable... I remember seeing her back once, it was full of bloody scratchmarks because she was scratching at herself in her sleep, she didn't even know they were there. It was awful. She was impossible to relate to, she shyed away from all of us and nothing we said or did was any help. Eventually she became suicidal, planning out how she was going to kill herself with her car. Thats when we got her into a psychiatric hospital. She lived there for well over two months, and was diagnosed with a personality disorder in addition to generalised depression and anxiety.» Elin stopped talking, giving James the time to take it all in.
«I can't believe it's Emily you're talking about...» He said eventually. «I knew about her being suicidal, about the car, she told me about that once, but... I don't know, I guess I didn't believe her. Or wanted to believe.»
«I can't either, looking at Emily today. Well not today, but you know what I mean. With the right help she worked her way out of all her self-destructiveness, somehow managing to change into the Emily you and I know. She's been stable and happy for nearly ten years now. But now, ever since she came here... it just reminds me of that time, walking on eggshells around her, watching her as she's trying to hide everything away. She's been amazing with the kids, and helping around the house, but I've also heard her cry at night, in her sleep.» Elin watched James sadly, she could see all the pain and despair in his face, he seemed so helpless and lost. With a sigh she put his hand on top of James', squeezing it lightly. «To answer your guestion: no, James, I don't think she needs a psych evaluation. I think she just needs you.»
«I don't know..» James said with a sad little shrug. «Maybe I'm the last person she needs... I did this to her, I'm the reason she's all.. broken..»
«Well, then you better go fix her again, James. She's my baby sister, and you're the only person who can. You're not allowed to give up on her,» Elin said firmly. James was glad that he didn't hear any trace of blame in her voice.
«I'll try...» James said with a weak smile.
«Want me to drive you to the hospital right away?» She asked kindly, and James nodded quietly, looking terrified at the prospect. «I wish I could tell you how I think Emily will react to seeing you, but I can't, James. I have absolutely no idea.» James nodded his understanding, trying to mentally prepare himself. He didn't know either, and he wondered if she was going to rage and scream and have him thrown out, or have a complete breakdown? In any case, he needed to see her.