Chapter 46

The rest of the day after having been to the doctor's passed by without me really noticing. The shock had left me feeling completely numb and empty, like I was walking next to myself. But the next day, at work, everything came crashing down on me with a vengeance. Not only did I have to try and control my nausea. Working with babies suddenly felt like torture instead of something enjoyable. Seeing parents worrying and fussing over their tiny little child made me feel incredibly guilty for being so upset about being pregnant. These people wanted nothing more than their baby surviving, that it would grow strong and healthy, and here I was half-hoping I would have a miscarriage. I made it through the day, but I realised I couldn't keep working, I was too nauseous, too distracted and not doing a very good job. So I called Kellie and she gave me a three-week sick leave, telling me that if the nausea disappeared before then I could just go back to work earlier. The sick-leave was a load off my mind, I didn't have to stress about going to work but it also gave me too much time to think. And the more I thought about it, the more upset I became. I was pregnant. I was actually carrying a growing child inside me. That alone was enough to make my head spin. And I knew that when I told James it would change everything between us forever, and we would never ever be able to go back to the way we were. No matter what we decided to do, things would never be the same. And I loved the way we were, we were in such a good place and my heart was filled with sorrow knowing that was over. I missed James so much it felt like a sharp, physical pain that made it hard to breathe. I desperately needed his comfort, his calmness, for him to hold me and shush me and tell me everything would be all right.
Every day started with an an overwhelming nausea, and the feeling was so all-consuming it drove everything else out of my mind. When I wasn't nauseous, I felt tired. Utterly, completely, to-the-bone tired. If I tried distracting myself, or happened to feel relatively calm, I just fell asleep, in the sofa or in a chair. And the rest of the time I cried. I couldn't be pregnant, I didn't want to be, and no matter how much I tried to figure out how, I had no idea how to tell James. I wished it would just go away, that I'd have a miscarriage and then I could just forget about it. If I did, it just wasn't meant to be, right? I even considered having an abortion and never telling James about it. He'd said he was too old for children. But I knew I couldn't do that, it would be too heavy a burden to carry, too big of a secret to keep, it would eat me up and in the end I would have to tell him and god knows what that would do to our relationship. I cried buckets, feeling desperate and trapped, thinking desperate thoughts. Should I throw myself down the stairs? Get in front of a bus? Go on a massive alcohol-binge? When I had calmed down a little I came to my senses, feeling ashamed and guilty for having thought such awful things. I felt so stressed and chaotic I was amazed that the baby hadn't vacated the premises already. Being in such a state couldn't be good for a foetus? 'Stubborn sod', I thought unhappily.

James called as often as he could, which was less frequent now that they were making the new episode in Uganda. Sometimes they just didn't have reception or he was too busy, or the batteries died. It was a massive effort to pull myself together and try to act normal on the phone every time he called. Sometimes I was just too fragile to talk to him at all and ignored the call, pretending to be out. As the days dragged on and I became more and more exhausted, and James' return drew nearer, it got harder to act normal. James picked up on it, more and more he asked if I was okay. I maintained that I was. But a few days before he was coming home his patience had run out.
«Emily, I'm not even going to ask if you're okay, because you'll just say that you are. But I know something isn't right, I can hear it in your voice, the way you talk!»
«Everything is just fine, James-» I began, trying to remain calm.
«Oh don't give me that, I know you too well, Emily,» he cut me off.
«I think you might have your sister's jedi mind tricks...» I mumbled.
«You're avoiding the subject,» he said sternly. I sighed heavily, knowing I couldn't keep up the façade any longer.
«It's just... I don't want to talk about it on the phone, all right?» I begged.
«What's going on, though? You're not sick? Or.. something?» James sounded concerned.
«No, I'm not sick, and neither is anyone else. I just don't want to have this conversation on the phone. You'll be home in a few days and then we can talk about it. Please?» James sighed as he heard the pleading in my voice, knowing he'd give in to me.«All right, when I get home,» he agreed reluctantly. «Should I be worried, though?»
«No, you shouldn't be worried, James, not at all. Enjoy your last days in Uganda, enjoy the sun and the scenery and eat amazing fresh fruits and have fun.»
«I know you're just trying to distract me from the subject,» he mumbled a little sourly. «I'll try to enjoy it. But I will worry though.»
«Okay,» I sighed, agreeing to the compromise. «I... I love you.»

James was delayed in Amsterdam the day they were coming home, bad fog had grounded all planes until it cleared. He called me to let me know, and my heart sank. I'd been in a state of mild panic all day, counting down the hours until he'd be home. And now I had to wait even longer for the moment I had been dreading for weeks. The days and weeks that had passed had felt like years. I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, went over the entire house just to busy myself and make it nice for when James came home. Not finding anything else to clean or tidy away I curled up on the sofa and turned on a film, desperately trying to distract myself. The next thing I knew was a distant, mild voice calling my name and a hand on my arm gently trying to rouse me from my sleep.
«Emily?» As my eyes flitted open, James came into view.
«Hey...» I croaked, voice still heavy with sleep. I had passed out on the sofa again, having relaxed enough for my brain to be able to shut itself off for a minute. I blinked a little, trying to focus on James' face. He was tanned, he had a scruffy three-day beard and his hair was a little over-grown, the grey streaks bleached by the sun. He looked tired, big black circles under tired, heavy eyes.«Hello, baby,» he smiled happily. The mention of the word 'baby' tore through my sleepiness and instantly ripped me apart. My eyes exploded with hot tears as I instantly started crying. I sat up and blindly fumbled for James, desperately needing to be held.
«Oh, honey... It's all right, I'm here now..» I heard the concern in his voice – my sudden and intense crying had surprised him and frightened him. James' arms closed around me and I buried my face against his shirt like I had done so many times before, my entire body shaking with sobs. He let me cry, rocking me gently and running his palm calmly over my head and back. Finally I was in his arms, being comforted and cared for by him like I had so desperately wished for. I half-hoped I would never stop crying, because I knew that when I did, I would have to begin talking. «Emily, please, tell me what's going on, you're scaring me a little...» James begged quietly into my hair, still running his hand over my back. My crying had died down somewhat, but I still wasn't able to speak, I didn't know what to say. «Are you sick? Like, life-threatening?» He asked, the fear audible in his voice. I shook my head, face still hidden against his chest. «Is anyone else?» He continued. I shook my head again. «Is it something about work? Did you lose your job? Did you do something wrong?»
«No...» I sobbed, shaking my head yet again.
«Is it baby Emily?»
«No, she's fine...» I sniffed, my voice thick from crying.
«Then what?» James urged. Not getting an answer from me he pulled back a little to look at me. His voice was calm but insistent when he spoke. «Emily, you said you didn't want to talk about this until I came home. Well now I'm here, and I'm worried. Please, say something.» I tried opening my mouth, but my jaw just wobbled out of control. «What can it be that is so hard to tell me? Did you sleep with someone? Meet someone else, fall in love..?»
«God, James, no!» I said shrilly, pulling away from him and out of his arms, angry that he would even think that. «I'm pregnant, James! Knocked up! Bun in the oven! With child! Expecting! Gestating! Preggers! I'm fucking pregnant, okay?!» I turned around to look at him. James' face had gone white and his jaw had dropped.
«I.. but.. wha-» He stammered incoherently.
«Don't you dare say 'what',» I growled, waggling a finger at him. I couldn't think of any more synonyms for 'pregnant' that would make him understand. He closed his mouth again, then stared blankly into empty space for a while, his mind obviously reeling. I gave him time to let it sink in. Privately I cursed myself for the way I had broken the news, it wasn't exactly the way I had planned it. After a long silence James cleared his throat.
«Was that why you were so nauseous the morning I left..?»
«Yeah...» I nodded feebly, fiddling with my own hands. My flash of defensive anger was gone and now I just felt anxious. I was sitting a little distance from James, my back against the sofa, knees pulled up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them.

«I thought the nausea might have been because you were... sick or something, I didn't think it was...» James' voice faded away, he was obviously unable to bring himself to say that I was pregnant.

«It's been almost as bad every damn morning since then, it's absolute torture...» I said weakly. There was a long pause.
«Oh... But.. haven't you been on birth control pills?» James asked, sounding nonplussed.
«Of course I have, you've seen me take them, haven't you?» I sighed. «But.. There might've been a day or two where I forgot... And Kellie said they were only like 99,8 percent safe anyway. Someone is bound to fall into the point two category, I guess.»
«Emily, that isn't something you just forget,» James said darkly.
«Excuse me for being human and forgetting something once or twice!» I was angry because I felt attacked, like he was trying to lay all the blame on me. And it was such a sore spot because I had done nothing but blame myself ever since I found out. «It takes two to fuck, you know,» I added in a sour mumble.
«What could I have done about it?» James said loudly, far angrier than I was. «Refused to sleep with you because you might get pregnant?! You were on the pill, I thought that was supposed to be safe!» I didn't reply, I didn't know what to say, his anger and blame has shocked me into silence. So I stared into space, still fiddling with my hands. «How long have you known about this?»
«Well, I... Suspected it after a few days of nausea. Went out and got a bunch of those home-tests. Seven of those fucking smileys...»
«Smiley’s?» James frowned.
«Yeah, the tests shows a bloody smiley if it's positive,» I explained bitterly. «So I went to see Kellie, she has a general practice now and... she confirmed it. That was a few weeks ago.» There was a long pause.
«So you've known this for weeks...?!» He repeated incredulously.
«I couldn't tell you something like this on the phone! First of all it would just ruin your trip and make you stressed and distracted. And I needed to... to see your face, see your reaction, talk to you about this...» Another long pause. Despite what I had said I didn't dare look at James, too scared about what I might see in his eyes.
«So, what are you going to do about this?» The coldness in James voice stabbed me right through the heart. His choice of words were incredibly painful.
«Me? What am I going to do about it?» I repeated incredulously. «This isn't just up to me, James!»
«You were the one who forgot to take your bloody pills!» He argued childishly.
«Fine, I forgot to take the fucking pills! Blame me for this if it makes you feel any better, god knows I've done nothing but blame myself for weeks!»
«None of this makes me feel any fucking good, Emily!»
«I'm sorry if this is such a fucking inconvenience to you! What would you have wanted me to do? Just have an abortion and not tell you about it?» I was beginning to be a little hysterical now.
«Frankly, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea!» James snapped.
«Well, excuse me, then. I wanted to give you the courtesy of telling you face to face and talk to you about it before I went ahead and killed your child!» I shrieked shrilly.
«Emily, I cant...- Oh, fuck this.» The finality in James' voice was absolute. My entire life stopped as I watched James get up from the sofa and walk out. James' footsteps disappeared down the hallway, then the front door slammed behind him. I had stopped breathing, my heart had stopped, everything just screeched to a halt and I felt like I was cocooned in an absolute vacuum.