Chapter 26

(Song featured in the last part of this chapter is Needtobreathe - A place only you can go)

«Who are you dressing up for, the hamster or the orangutan?» James eyed me from top to bottom as I entered the kitchen.

«What, this? This isn't dressing up, this is just 'not looking like a couch potato', James,» I pointed out. All I had done was put on a pair of tight, dark jeans and a slightly nicer top than usual, put on a little makeup and tried to sort out my bird's nest hair for once. He crossed the kitchen floor and placed his hands on my sides, pulling me in.

«You're beautiful,» he said in hushed tones and kissed me gently. I blushed furiously and averted my eyes shyly, horribly incompetent when it came to taking a compliment, as always.

«Thank you,» I stammered. «It's all for you, you know. I want to make them very jealous of you, if I can,» I said with a chuckle, mostly joking. I wasn't confident enough to dress up and prance around believing that anyone I'd attract the attentions of anyone.

A little after seven our visitors crashed through the front door bearing food and a crate of beer. Richard was his child-like, happy self, like a lumbering little jack russel terrier who couldn't quite contain his excitement for life. When he saw me he pounced on me and gave me a long hug, so long I raised my eyebrows at James over his shoulder.

«Emily, so nice to see you again!» he exclaimed as he let go of me.

«You too, dear,» I chuckled then turned to Jeremy, who put me more in mind of a feckless mastiff. «Clarkson, hello! How is the hand?» I inquired, and was surprised to receive a quick hug even from Jeremy.

«It's fine, actually. Thanks to you I suspect.» He held up a huge palm where a few, bright pink scars were still visible. We settled around the dining table with our food and beers, the banter already flowing easily as we worked our way through mounds of Chinese food. They talked about the shoot they had in the morning, or cars in general, or congestion charge, sometimes it really was like looking at the news on Top Gear. I found myself staying in the background for most of the time and talking less than usual. It wasn't shyness or intimidation, I had spent time with all three of them before and had never felt particularly shy around them. But for some reason I felt a need to test the waters a little and sense the mood. I wasn't just the friend anymore, I was the girlfriend, and all of them knew. Didn't they? I also kept my distance from James, sitting next to him but not touching him or coddling him. This was actually the first time James and I was social with people who knew that we were a couple, and I didn't know how he felt about public affection but I suspected he didn't like it. He had kissed me in the middle of the street, but that was around total strangers and somehow felt different. This was his mates, and they were liable to take the piss if we were too lovey-dovey. When we finished our food we migrated to the living room, getting more comfortable in sofas and chairs. I offered to do a beer-run to the kitchen, and on my way back I turned on the stereo which had James' iPod connected to it before handing everyone beers. It still had a playlist on it which I had made when had been on our road trip, it had a mix of happy and varied music and I just left it on shuffle. The boys didn't even notice, they were to busy arguing amicably. I sank down on the sofa next to James, but not anywhere as close as I would have liked. James and Richard got into a intense conversation about something mechanical, Richard was unable to fix his bike and James thought he knew what he was doing wrong. But Richard was his stubborn, angry self and wouldn't agree. Jeremy got bored with it and disappeared outside for a smoke.

«Hey guys, why don't you two bugger off into the garage and sort this discussion out before we all die of drudgery?» I suggested. They looked at each other like two children who had been dismissed from the dinner table to go play.

«You sure?» James said. I flapped my hands dismissively at him.

«Yeah yeah, go on.»

«Okay, won't be long,» he said and patted my leg jovially. They went into the kitchen for more beers and then disappeared out into the garage. Jeremy was surprised to see the living room nearly empty when he returned from his cigarette.

«Oi, where did those two go?»

«I sent them out into the garage to continue their riveting discussion on the particulars of a Moto Guzzi engine, before it killed me,» I mumbled and had a swig of my beer.

«Oh thank god!» He exclaimed as he sank back down into the comfy armchair and picked up his beer again. A silence followed and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, feeling a little on edge. I always felt a little nervous around Jeremy, he was loud and brash and I never quite knew where I had him. Even more so now that we were suddenly on our own, with any of the other two around I felt he was more liable to keep a modicum of politeness. He broke the silence first and cleared his throat. «So, you and James...» he said slowly, obviously weighing his words. He shot me one of his sly, mysterious looks and said «I mean, how..?» I cut him off.

«Oh here we go, Jeremy,» I groaned exasperatedly and rolled my eyes.

«What?» Jeremy leaned back in his chair, gaping at me with his eyebrows raised in surprise.

«You're dying to ask, aren't you? What am I doing with that old, floppy-haired spaniel? Am I blind? Do I have some sort of grandfather complex? Am I just out for his money?» Jeremy waved his hands to make me stop ranting.

«No no no, that wasn't what I...» he began and I was surprised to see that he even looked a little hurt. «I wasn't going to say anything like that. I just... Wondered what is the deal with you two,» he finished, uncharacteristically mildly and even a little awkward.

«But didn't James tell you guys...?»

«We didn't have much time to talk back in Cardiff, we were busy filming all day and he left as soon as he could because he had plans. With you, I'm guessing?» He raised his eyebrows at me over the top of his beer.

«So basically, what you're saying is you want the girly gossip?» I smirked at Jeremy and he squirmed a little uncomfortably in his chair.

«Noooooooooo,» he droned, flinching. «I just want to know what the hell is going on!»
«Okay,» I sighed, giving in. «James and I we... got together on New Year's Eve. You know, became a couple. I missed him a lot, and even told him that I did. So he did this daft, romantic thing and just showed up in Norway without me knowing about it, I thought he was with you guys at Hammond's. We... kept it to ourselves, we just wanted some time and not have it blow up in everyone's face in the tabloids.» Jeremy grunted his understanding of this.

«All right, this explains many, many things!» Jeremy said with a smile, then turned serious again. «But then what happened? Something happened, right?»

«James... got scared, I don't know any other way to put it. He talked about our age difference, how we never would've worked and he wanted to end it. I guess he thought it was inevitable that I was going to leave him some day anyway because of the age thing. I threw a massive, hysterical tantrum and stormed out on him.» As I spoke Jeremy's long face fell and became even longer than it usually was, he leaned forward and rested his face in his hands.

«Oh god, Emily...» He said and rubbed his face tiredly. «I... that might be all my fault.» He admitted guiltily.

«What? How?» I frowned, taken aback by this sudden confession from him.

«By being an arse,» he sighed. «James mentioned your name more and more often, writing texts to you or... He seemed happy and... I had to poke fun at him for it, for talking about you and spending so much time with you, I suspected he might have a thing for you. I said a girl like you would never go for a fat, old spaniel like him. And told him that if you did go for him it wouldn't be long before you realised what an old stiff he was and would move on to greener pastures... Stupid things like that.»

«Oh come off it, Jeremy,» I scoffed. «James is a grown man, perfectly capable of making his own decisions. You've known each other for ages, and he's lived with you taking the mickey for just as long, he ought to be bloody used to it by now and be able to withstand your mockery.»

«Yeah, but... I think I might've hit too close to home with those.» He looked at me apologetically. In stark contrast to the man I knew from telly and from the few times I had met him before I was amazed at how conscientious and mild-mannered this Jeremy was. He felt responsible for what had happened between James and me, and he felt guilty.

«In any case, you had no way of knowing that we were already seeing each other,» I pointed out mildly. «If you had known about that, you probably wouldn't have cracked those particular jokes either?»

«Um, no... Maybe I would have, god knows, I'm an idiot sometimes,» he said unhappily.

«If you did have any sort of blame in this, Jeremy, it's just that you happened to point out something he was already worrying about. My guess is that what happened probably would have anyway, at some point, when his insecurities got the better of him.»

«I'm sorry, anyway...» Jeremy muttered, and I couldn't help but wonder how such a tall man could look so small. A long silence fell in which Jeremy seemed to be lost in thought.

«So...» he began, raising a finger at me. «Then what happened? How did he fix it?»

«God, Jezza! I never would've thought you'd be such a ...you are such a girl, Jeremy!» I squealed and he gave me a yellow-toothed grin and a chuckle.

«Give me the gossip, I love drama, come on, spill!» He gesticulated wildly.

«What happened was Hammond came by, actually.»
«What, to your place?» He leaned forward confidentially now, eyebrows raised in surprise, obviously interested.

«Yeah, he was worried since James was being such a...»

«Insufferable twat,» Jeremy proffered willingly.

«Yeah. Richard didn't know anything about us either, he just thought I was James' friend and maybe I could help. I don't know why, but I told him what was going on. By then I had decided to leave London. I quit my job, gave up my flat, I was packing things into boxes...»

«What, it got that bad?» he asked in hushed, almost horrified tones. Jeremy looked sympathetic and a little shocked, and I couldn't quite realize I was having this conversation with him.

«I hadn't heard a single word out of James for over five weeks, apart from a few phone calls in the middle of the night which I never picked up. I thought we were really, really over, and I wanted to get as far away from him and everything that reminded me about him as possible. Long story short, Richard told James that I was leaving and... a few other things,» I coughed discreetly.

«.. gave him a kick up the arse, you mean,» Jeremy grinned that sly smirk of his.

«Pretty much,» I confirmed with a nod. «I didn't mean to put Richard in the middle, it just...»

«Oh, knowing him he put himself in the middle, he loves those sort of things,» Jeremy flapped his hands about. We laughed a little, but then I turned serious.

«Listen, Jeremy.. I'm sorry for jumping down your throat earlier,» I said with an apologetic shrug, feeling ashamed at having been rather rude at him. He was obviously capable of being quite sweet when I wanted to, and I had been unfair toward him.

«Offense is the best defense,» he said knowingly.

«No, it's just.. You're loud and sarcastic and...I'm never quite sure about you, whether you're just teasing or just don't like me. Honestly you're a bit scary sometimes.»

«Oh...» he said, looking a stumped at my honesty. When he continued his voice was kind and mild. «I'm just teasing, Emily. If I didn't like you, you would have known about it, trust me.»

«Good. Thank you.. I think,» I said a little uncertainly and had a swig of my beer.

«Frankly I'm surprised you two didn't happen sooner,» he giggled, showing a little of the old Jeremy again. «You two have been drooling after each other forever!» he waved.

«Was it that obvious?» I frowned.

«Maybe not for everyone, but... like you said, I've known James a long time, and seen him fumble around with women as if they were another species altogether  But with you, I don't know, he just seemed very at ease around you, right from the beginning. And James is never at ease with anything apart from his tools and trainsets and his piano. I'm glad you sorted things out.»
«So am I,» I sighed and drained the remains of my beer.

«I'm going for another cigarette,» Jeremy announced and got up.

«Oh, can I bum one?» I asked. He raised one eyebrow at me and smirked cheekily.

«Yeah yeah, come on,» he waved and disappeared. If followed him out into the back garden and we both lit up. After a long silence he shot me an evil grin. «But seriously, though. What are you doing with that floppy-haired old spaniel?»

«Jeremy!» I shouted at him and slapped his forearm, pretending to be affronted and he laughed that hoarse, characteristic laugh.

«I'm a dog person I guess,» I said and we chuckled, then went back to smoking. From inside I could hear James and Richard's footsteps and loud voices as they returned from the garage. As acting on a whim Jeremy flicked his cigarette away and dove under the garden table right next to the door.

«Jezza, what..?» I hissed and stared at him. He looked pleadingly up at me to play along, motioning with his finger over his mouth to keep quiet about his hideout. He was already fighting to keep quiet and not giggle. Just as I had been about to say hiss at Jeremy again the glass door opened and James and Richard spilled out onto the back porch.

«Emily! There you are! Where's Jeremy?» James asked, looking around the garden as if he expected to find him hiding in the bushes. He wasn't that far off, really. It took me a split second to decide.

«Oh I don't know and I don't care, he buggered off,» I huffed and took an angry drag of my cigarette, pretending to be livid.

«What..?» Richard squeaked, his face falling comically.

«He started asking me all these rude questions,» I continued. «I wasn't going to stand for it so I gave him an earful, obviously he couldn't handle being shouted at by a woman so he fucked off.» James and Richard exchanged horrified glances and then both looked back at me.

«But...» Richard squeaked again, trying to make sense of the situation. In the silence that followed Jeremy's hands shot out from beneath the garden table and closed around James' and Richard's ankles and he made a loud, alarming sound to scare them even more. James shouted loudly and spun around, his long hair whipping comically around as he did. He balled his hands into fists, adopted a defensive stance and seemed prepared to kick whatever had touched him. Richard gave a terrified shriek and flailed wildly as he bounded away as quickly as he could from the boogeyman. Jeremy's loud, hysterical laugh gave him away before he could crawl out from under the darkness of the garden table.

«Jeremy, you insufferable pillock of a man!» James shouted at the top of his voice, clutching his chest.

«Oh, Jeremy! You absolute bastard! Right, that's it, come here, I am actually going to kill you,» Richard roared, looking around wildly for anything that would serve as a weapon.

«You? Kill? You were running for the hills a second ago!» James pointed at Richard, deciding to mock him instead of being angry at Jeremy.

«And she! She was in on it!» Richard ignored James and turned on me instead. «How could you, Emily! I am very, very disappointed in you!» Amidst everything Jeremy was still on all fours on the decking, laughing so hysterically he was unable to get up at all, his face bright red and tears streaming from his eyes. His laugh was so contagious I broke out giggling too, and unable to get the image of James and Richards reactions out of my mind  I bent over double with laughter.

«That's it, I've had enough of those two,» Richard huffed. «I need a beer. And possibly a doctor, I might have a heart attack!» He kept muttering sourly as he disappeared inside, and James followed him just to tease him some more, humming a song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. «He bravely ran away, away...» This only increased our hysterics, Jeremy lying curled up and clutching his stomach.

«Emily, that was... brilliant acting! Such ingenuity!» He gasped in between fits of giggles.

«You do know I'll have to sleep in the dog house tonight for that, right?» I chortled, trying to calm down. Eventually Jeremy's hysterics subsided and he clambered to his long, splay-legged feet, wiping his eyes with his hands.

«Oh, that was fantastic. Made my entire evening,» he sighed, patting his stomach. «Bloody hell, that hurt.»

«Come on, lets get inside. And don't laugh, it'll only make it worse!» I said as I opened the door and headed inside. James and Richard was sitting in the living room with fresh beers, James looking mildly amused and Richard still looking a little sour.

«Changed your underwear then, Hamster?» Jeremy roared loudly and disappeared into James' kitchen, presumably for more beers. I groaned loudly and shut my eyes in exasperation.

«Oh ha-ha,» Richard spat, rolling his eyes and fiddling with the label on his beer bottle.

«Oh, Richard, I'm sorry,» I said sincerely and sat down on the armrest of his chair, patting his shoulder gently. «That was stupid of us. Jeremy just dived under the table and I didn't have the time to... I really am sorry, I didn't know what he was going to do, honestly!»

«And here I bring you more beer purely out of the kindness of my heart, and you stab me in the back? Cold-hearted woman!» Jeremy said dramatically as he reentered the living room. But he was smiling and handed me a bottled anyway.

«Hey, where is my apology?» James piped up. Feeling a little tipsy from an unknown amount of beer I moved over to the sofa next to James, much closer than I had earlier in the evening. Quickly I took his head in my hands so he couldn't turn away and gave him a deep, lingering kiss.

«I'm sorry,» I said sweetly against his mouth and bit my lip innocently as I looked at him with my best puppy-dog eyes. The surprise and intensity of the kiss had left him gobsmacked and his eyes was slightly out of focus as he looked at me. «Am I forgiven?» He cleared his throat as he snapped out of his reverie. His answer wasn't what I had expected though.

«Hmm, not quite,» he smirked, his eyes glittering. Apparently I wasn't the only one feeling the effects of the beer. «I might need a little more persuasion.» I leaned in to kiss him again, a little slower and more considered this time.

«If that is what it takes to apologize to you, forget it. I would rather skin my donkey!» Jeremy huffed and we broke apart with a giggle.

«That sounds so much like a euphemism, Jeremy, I don't even know where to begin!» I laughed. For the rest of the evening I stayed closer to James, content to just have his hand resting absentmindedly on my knee. Richard soon got over his mood and normal conversation resumed. It was a strange feeling, being with James out in the open like this, even if it was just around his best mates. It had been just James and me until now, even before we became a couple it was usually just the two of us when we spent time together. I still felt like I had to get to know James around other people, how he was around his friends, his colleagues, his family. The James I knew best was my James, the person he was when it was just the two of us alone together. Even if it felt strange, it felt good to be with people who knew about us, especially since they weren't making a fuss. We were just mates, talking and laughing, and nothing had really changed. Jeremy had surprised me more than once during our conversation, by being less judgmental and far more mild-mannered than I ever would have thought him capable of. And he had said he liked me, in his own backwards kind of way, and that was important to me. These three blokes had known each other for so long and spent to much time together both at work and in their private lives that it felt important that they liked and accepted me. I cared about James, which meant I cared about his mates and what they thought of me.

The music was still on in the background and without even being aware of it I was singing along to "Baba O'Riley" as I returned from the kitchen carrying the rest of the beers.

«James, your woman sings along to The Who! Marry this one, will you?» Jeremy begged, waving his bottle in my direction. «At least don't fuck it up again,» he added. There was a tense moment where everyone looked at James, waiting for his reaction. But he broke out into a smile.

«Marry? She just moved in, lets just take it from there, yeah?»

«Whoa whoa whoa, wait, what? Excuse me?» Richard said loudly, slurring his words a little. «She's moved in? When did that happen?» I sat next to James and he slid his arm around me, pulling me in a little closer and we looked at each other a little awkwardly, wondering who should answer.

«How could you fail to mention that in our little chat earlier?!» Jeremy roared in theatrical dramatic tones, always the loud drama queen. «I thought we bonded, Emily!»

«Chat? Bonded?» James head snapped around to me, the look on his face one of utter bewilderment.

«Yeah, Jeremy and I had quite a lovely girl-to-girl talk earlier,» I smirked and Jeremy giggled as he shook his head exasperatedly at me. This only seemed to deepen James confusion and he now looked slightly horrified as well.

«Did you know that Jeremy, the poor soul, still regrets losing his virginity to ...» I began in a secretive voice, but Richard cut me off.

«All right, enough of thaaaat, I don't want to know! Can we get on to the topic of you moving in, please!» He roared.

«Well, I was going to be out of a flat very soon, as you all know. And I had sort of changed my mind about fleeing the country, so...» My voice trailed off.

«So now she lives here for a while, as of today. If she actually likes living with me, she can stay, it's up to her,» James said. The look he gave me was filled with many things, love, openness, honesty. The other two didn't push the matter more or ask more questions. Privately I suspected they were too shocked to even know what to say. They had known James for so much longer than I had, and I had gathered that some of the things James had done while he had been with me was very unlike him. I seemed to bring out something new in him, a spontaneity and an impulsiveness that they didn't quite know what to think about. As the last beers were drunk Richard mumbled that it might be time to turn in, it was nearly midnight and they had their shoot in the morning. Jeremy and Richard stumbled out into a taxi ten minutes later, on their way to their respective London flats. Closing the door behind them I went back to the living room where James was busy fiddling with my iPod and the stereo. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and nuzzled my face against back, sensing his warmth against my face and taking in his smell.

«I'm going to tidy the kitchen before I go to bed,» I mumbled tiredly into his shirt. James put the iPod down and turned around in my arms to face me.

«No, let me do that,» he said lovingly and ran a hand across my forehead, tucking away a strand of hair behind my ear. «I wanted to play you this song... I heard it on your iPod in the car on my way from Cardiff, just by accident. And it made me think of you. And everything that's happened... There's so much I want to say to you, but I don't know... It isn't high literature, but it's... something, I guess,» he finished with an insecure shrug. «I'll go sort out the kitchen,» he finished quietly and gave me a little kiss, then he turned on the iPod and shuffled off. I vaguely recognized the start of the song, quiet and a little melancholic, but I hadn't listened to it much or paid attention to the words. I sat down on the nearest chair and listened intently.

«Pain is alive in a broken heart
The past never does go away
We were born to love
And we're born to pay
The price for our mistakes
Grace, she comes with a heavy load
Memories, they can't be erased
Like a pill I swallow, he makes me well
But leaves an awful taste
Oh, I know this song won't do
Enough to prove my love to you
In my heart you'll always know
There is a place only love can go
There is a place only you can go
Take my notions and words to heart
This is the cry of a man
I can't bring you fortune or noble life
But I'll love you all I can»

Without even realizing it tears were streaming down my face. I didn't care that it wasn't high literature, I never understood any of that poncy dribble anyway. This was honest and pure. It was about James' guilt and grief for the mistake he'd made, and the realization that no matter how much he tried he could never completely erase what had happened. It was about how he feared that even if he loved me with everything he had, it wouldn't be enough. With the song finished I wobbled into the kitchen where James was just about to close the dishwasher. Through my tears I saw his face change when he registered that I was crying. I fell into his arms and before he even had time to open his mouth to say anything I cut him off.

«Happy tears!» I bawled against his neck.

«Okay,» he whispered into my hair, then he chuckled a little and hugged me tighter, kissing the top of my head.

«It's a good song,» I said with a choked voice when my crying had died down. «But don't ever play something like that again, I'm so fucking tired of crying,» I sniffed.

«I know, I hate seeing you cry. But I just... wanted you to hear it.»

«Thank you. I love you,» I said and gave him a kiss. He hugged me closer again. As I rested my head against his chest I yawned widely, feeling exhausted from emotions, from the moving and from beer.

«Come on. Bedtime,» he whispered, took my hand and lead me upstairs to our bed. 

Chapter 25

I woke up pretty much in the same position I had fallen asleep. For a while I did nothing, just let the heavy sensation of sleep slowly recede from my mind and my body while I silently looked at James. He was sleeping heavily, mouth slightly open as usual, hair a little on end. While I watched him I couldn't help but smile to myself, feeling happy. Usually mornings and happiness didn't go together in my world, but now it was washing over me, filling all of me with warmth and love. Nothing was on my mind except James and how he made me feel, and I wanted to stay there in that sleepy little moment of perfection, forever. Eventually I pried myself away from him gently, resisting the urge to kiss him. He stirred a little, but didn't wake and I tucked the duvet carefully around him to make up for the loss of my warmth. Quietly I padded into the bathroom and took a quick shower, feeling a little greasy from all the massage oil. Having showered and put on some comfy clothes I went downstairs and started on the breakfast I had promised him, still grinning to myself without even being aware of it.

When I returned to the bedroom half an hour later James was still dead to the world, now lying on his side. I suspected he might have a lot of sleep to catch up on. I laid down next to him and cupped his face, gently kissing him awake. He sighed heavily and made a face initially, but then he hummed a little and returned the kiss.

"James... Hate to wake you up, but it's almost 11," I whispered to him. He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Really?" He opened his eyes and squinted at the sunlight, his eyes crinkling and I giggled at his sleepy face.

"I made breakfast. Want breakfast in bed or do you want to come downstairs?" He sighed happily and gave me a lazy, warm kiss.

"I'll come downstairs, just give me.. a minute." He shut his eyes again. I crawled out of bed and waited. After a while I tugged the duvet off him without warning and he squawked loudly in protest at the sudden cold.

"You utter pirate!" He complained.

"Sweetie, you were falling asleep again!" I argued and tossed his boxers at him. "Come on, breakfast is getting cold."

"...militant nurse. Why did I have to pick a militant nurse..." I heard him grumble to himself as I left the room and I chuckled a little at the reference. A few minutes later he joined me downstairs, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, bleary-eyed and with a little stubble. I had made bacon and eggs, French Toast and tea. Heavy, sleepy arms wrapped around my from behind as I was arranging the food on a plate and he kissed the side of my neck and hugged me.

"You amazing woman," he mumbled against my neck.

"I thought I was a horrible, militant nurse? AND a pirate?" I smirked.

"Sometimes. That doesn't make you less amazing, though. The militant nurse is a bit of a turn on, really..." he admitted, trailing lazy kisses over my neck.

"I'll remember that," I chuckled. His kisses sent warm waves through my body, but I tore myself out of it and cleared my throat, knowing full well what I was turning down. "Go sit down, breakfast is ready". James did as I said, albeit a little unwillingly. For a while we ate in silence without even the usual radio banter as soundtrack because the stereo was upstairs. James was mostly focused on his food so I turned my attention to the Sunday Telegraph, but I wasn't really interested. "Have any plans today?" I asked as I folded the paper away.

"I was thinking maybe we could go over to your place, pick up your things?" He said absentmindedly, still focused on the food.

"So you still want me to stay with you?" I heard myself say, not really knowing why. At this James' eyes snapped up to me and he frowned.

"Of course I do. What, did you think I said that just to get into your knickers?" He said, only half-joking.

"I don't know, I... We had a bit to drink, and..." My voice trailed off, why was I saying these things? He put his fork down and nailed me to my chair with his eyes.

"I still meant what I said," he said simply.

"But are you sure about it, though? I mean, it's a big thing... You've lived here for years and I'd feel weird just... barging in here to live here. I'd be here all the time and you'd never get away from me."

"You're the one who sounds unsure about this, Emily," James said a little defensively. I sighed and rubbed my face, trying to figure out what it was I really wanted to say.

"I'm not. I just... need to know that you're not asking me to move in here just because you feel like you have to make up for things or that it's your fault I'm soon out of a flat. Or that you feel like you need to prove something to me, prove how you feel. It's a huge step and I wouldn't blame you or think you didn't want me if you wanted to wait a bit..." My voice trailed off again, I was just rambling now and I knew it. He got up, and for a mad second I thought he was going to walk out of the kitchen in anger. Instead he rounded the table and tugged me out of my chair, wrapped me up in his arms and hugged me tight.

"I'm not going to lie to you, I do feel like I have to make up for things, Emily, a lot of things. I was such an arse. But that isn't why I asked you to live here. I may have lived here for many years, but you... You changed this house. It doesn't feel like home anymore when you're not here. That is why I want you to live here. Plus, you make fantastic breakfasts. That's another reason." He added flippantly. In the silence that followed I was unable to say anything, I was desperately trying not to cry, I had done far enough of that lately. I just clung on to James, my face buried against his chest. "But do you want to live with me?" He asked mildly, pulling away slightly to could look at me. I saw the insecurity in his eyes, the fear of being rejected, the knowledge that if I did reject him there was no one he could blame but himself. Looking into his eyes I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

"Yes." It was all I was able to say before I had to bury my face against his chest again, a little shameful for crying.

"Please tell me those are happy tears?" He said, leaning his chin on the top of my head, and I could hear the amused exasperation in his voice.

"Yes," I sniffed, still hiding from him. "I just had to make sure you're not going to regret it in a month or two and feel trapped and resent me for living here." Quickly I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my hand before looking up at him. "I'd love to live here with you. Now that you've come back, I don't want to let you go ever again." He smiled, all though a little sadly and gave me a long, lingering kiss.

"Finish your breakfast. I'll go have a quick shower, then we'll go get your things," he said mildly.

"Okay," I smiled at him and kissed him again.

We headed over to my apartment in James' Fiat an hour later. I began packing the few things I still had left, mostly clothes and bed linen and things in the bathroom. James helped by packing all my kitchen things into cardboard boxes. My plan had been to give everything things to Oxfam before I left, and I realized I could keep to that plan as James had a kitchen full of stuff already. We emptied the fridge, taking some things but throwing most of it out. I had made a deal with my landlord to just leave the furniture behind, seeing as I wouldn't have been able to take it back to Norway anyway. Moving to James' meant I wouldn't have any use for them either. The landlord had even said he'd pay me a bit for them, having a furnished apartment to let out was always easier. With James' help I was finished packing in a few hours. We stuffed three cardboard boxes, a bin bag full of clothes and a huge suitcase into the tiny Panda, and went back upstairs to take one last look over the place.

"Won't you need to like... clean this place?" James pointed out as I went through the cupboards one last time, making sure they were empty.

"I decided to hire a cleaning company to do it, it wasn't as expensive as I thought. I've moved too many times in my life, I've cleaned too many places top to bottom."

"I approve of this decision," James nodded. Just as we got into the Fiat ready to go home James' phone rang. I could hear Richard's voice coming through on the other end. He suggested that he and Jeremy could come over tonight for some food and beer, seeing as they'd all be in London tonight due to having a Top Gear shoot in the morning.

"Um..." James looked over at me questioningly and I nodded my head eagerly. Of course they should come over, I hadn't seen Jeremy since that Christmas party and spending a night with all three of them would be fun. "Yeah sure, come on over."

"Good!" Richard sounded excited as always. "Is Emily going to be there?"

"Yeah, she is," James confirmed.

"Even better! She eats Chinese food, yeah?"

"Yes she does, just not anything too spicy, she's a weakling," he chortled. They agreed on showing up around seven, and hung up.

Back at James' house he asked me to make tea. Meanwhile he busied himself by carrying boxes and things from the Panda and into the house. Fusker meandered a bit between the car and the doorway, wondering what on earth his human was up to. I was quite happy to fall into traditional gender roles for a bit and let James do the heavy lifting, it wasn't that many boxes and things anyway. Eventually I heard the car door slam shut, then the front door and how James' kicked off his shoes. He joined me on the sofa and had a sip of his tea.

"I put the kitchen things in my garage, and the rest of it upstairs. I need to clear out some space in my closets for you later," he said matter of factly. "What?" He said when I chuckled a little.

"Nothing.. I realized I have to call my family and explain a few things. Tell them that I'm not moving home after all, for example," I mused, trying to get my head around the idea. «I haven't even thought about that until now.»

«I guess this all happened a little fast...» James said, looking a little insecure.

«Yeah, that's putting it mildly,» I smiled. «But considering the alternatives.. . I mean, I wasn't going to move back to Norway was I, not now. And staying in the apartment wasn't an option, it was already rented out to someone else. And I wouldn't have been able to find a new place to live in such a short time anyway...»

«So you moved in here because it was convenient?» James asked.

«No, you big woman,» I huffed, unable to hide an exasperated smile. «I moved in here because I can't imagine myself being anywhere else than here, with you.» At this James smiled widely. «I'm amazed at how... readily you just took me in, though,» I admitted.

«Well, like you said, now that I've got you back, I'm never letting you go,» he said. «I do have you back, don't I?» The insecurity and guilt crept back into his eyes and in a desperate attempt to get rid of it I answered him by pulling him in for a long, reassuring kiss. My emotions were in absolute uproar, and I was having a hard time ignoring it. This was what I had wanted all along, for James to return and take back everything he said, I had desperately hoped for everything to go back to the way they were. I knew James was still burdened with guilt and shame, I could see it in his eyes every now and then. And part of me needed to see it, needed to know that he felt bad for what had happened. Another part of me didn't want him to be sad, I couldn't bear the thought of it. He was doing everything he could to make things better; he'd apologized, he'd cried and begged, he'd told me of his fears and how much he loved me, and now he'd even asked me to move in with him. The fact that he had would make it harder for him to disappear again, which was a reassuring thought. But I couldn't quite shake the suspicion that this was too fast, that he'd regret it someday. The last six weeks my life had done complete u-turns several times, I had gone from happy and in love to a total wreck. Mentally I had been trying to prepare to leave London and James behind and to forget as much as I could about it. I had thought my life was going to be in Norway from now on, where I would live and work. And now - it had completely changed again. I had decided to stay, leaving James wasn't an option. I was living with him now, and needed to find a job again. I liked the prospect of a life in London, with James, a lot better than the life I could have had in Norway, but it was still a big change. Unable to make any sense of my thoughts and having so many contradicting thoughts in my head was chaotic, draining. But as I felt James' lips against mine the chaos quieted down and faded away until all that was left was my love for him. This was safe, this was familiar and comforting, which was what I needed. Slow, considered kisses turned playful and teasing, James nibbled my bottom lip and I expected a kiss but he hovered over my mouth, just out of reach with a playful smirk on his lips. He was up to something, I could see it in his eyes and it filled me with expectancy and excitement, not knowing what was going to happen next. I sat frozen, my eyes flitting between his eyes and his lips, waiting, breathing. Every now and then I tried to nip after his lip, growing impatient, but he pulled away. The anticipation building between us brought everything into sharp focus; his warm breath against my skin, the crinkles around his eyes, that dazzling shade of blue, his chest against mine, rising and falling in time with his breaths. It was almost like I could hear and feel his heartbeats through the silence. I realized I was holding my breath, and not being able to hold it anymore I drew a deep breath. James chose that moment to close the gap and kiss me sensually, almost taking my breath away. His mouth traveled from my mouth to my neck, not even kissing, he just brushed his lips over my skin, licking it every now and again. The sensation sent hot and cold shivers down my body and I lifted my head, exposing my neck to him, wanting more. As his mouth continued to travel towards my shoulder he sank down to his knees on the floor, parting my legs so he could stand between them. When his mouth reached the fabric of my shirt he stopped kissing and just nuzzled his face against my chest, I could feel his warm breath between my breasts through the shirt. He gently pushed me back on the sofa, making me lean back and relax. I immediately missed having my mouth on him, any part of him, but I let him continue, satisfied to just run my hands over his neck and his hair. Face still buried against my chest he pulled up my shirt to reveal my tummy and he hummed as his mouth made contact with my skin again. Trailing kisses lazily down my stomach his hands rubbed my sides and hips firmly. The skin became more and more sensitive as he continued towards and over my bellybutton, every breath, every lick and every kiss becoming more and more pleasurable. I still felt filled with anticipation, but for what I didn't know, right now I was happy to just be showered with kisses and touches, happy to just feel warmth, softness and love, and nothing else. But as he kissed lower on my body, and his hands moved from my hips to thighs, I felt a different kind of expectation flare up in me. He focused his kisses right above the lining of my jeans as he undid them. Having opened them he straightened up to be able to remove them, giving me a secretive, lustful look as he pulled my jeans and panties off in one go. Throwing them casually to the side he draped my legs over his shoulders and his arms wrapped around my thighs, his palms slowly rubbing over my hips. I hadn't expected to suddenly find myself naked from the waist down. Sitting like this with legs over his shoulders made me feel very exposed, but it wasn't entirely uncomfortable. I couldn't stop watching him as he began kissing the insides of my legs, beginning at the skin closest to his face. My breaths became ragged and shallow as I watched his mouth travel sensually over the skin of my inner thighs, first one and then the other. His palms trailed lazily over my body while he kissed, warm and soft caresses. When his mouth reached the top of my thigh he took a firm hold of me and pulled my hips towards him, pulling my bum towards the edge of the sofa. He sank down even lower in front of me, his mouth continuing the exploration of my body by kissing my hips, my lower tummy, my pubic bone, inching painfully slowly towards the heat between my legs. I watched him lovingly, running my hand over his hair. He fixed me with his gaze as he lowered his head a little, trailing his lips across my skin. I gave a quiet moan when his mouth finally made contact with my pussy, his warm breath and soft lips felt amazing. With his eyes closed he kissed me between my legs as lovingly as he would have kissed my mouth and I was unable to tear my eyes away from him. Tender and slow kisses grew a little firmer and deeper and he began nipping at me playfully, exploring me, learning me and what made me whince and moan. The way he changed between kisses, nips and sucking on me heightened my senses, I was on edge because I didn't know what to expect and I entangled my fingers into his hair. Forcefully he bent my legs back, spreading my legs even more for him. I squirmed and moaned loudly as I finally felt his warm, wet tongue flick over my clit. When the tongue returned it moved in lazy circles around my clit, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the sofa, losing myself in the growing pleasure.

«God, that feels... so.. amazing...!» I huffed, squirming some more. His hands redoubled his grip on the back of my thighs, pinning me down by keeping my legs bent back, making me unable to move. His tongue moved faster over my clit and with more force. No one had ever been given me such attention with their mouth before. My moans and groans became louder and more frequent and this spurred James on to use his tongue even faster on me. Needing to hold on to something I fumbled for James' hands and he laced his fingers with mine, not taking his mouth away from me. He stopped licking only to suck on my clit. «Oh shit...!» I gasped as the sensation intensified even more, I was burning inside and everything he did just increased my pleasure. When he went back to using his tongue, lapping at my clit I felt the sensation heighten a little more. «Oh go—don't stop, keeping going..!» I begged, grinding as much as I could against his mouth, desperate for that extra pressure or touch that would send me over the edge. He hummed with satisfaction at my frantic begging and his tongue pressed a little harder against me. My legs began trembling uncontrollably as I the orgasm drew ever nearer, losing control over my body. I was unable to warn James I was coming, having lost the use of words completely, but he knew anyway by the way my hands squeezed his and the sounds I was making. He did his best to hold me still and keep up what he was doing to prolong my orgasm while I was bucking and shaking against him. I saw stars and wondered if I was going to pass out from pure pleasure, but then the orgasm receded and I was left a trembling wreck heaving for air. As the remnants of my orgasm washed through me James let go of my hands and let me lower my legs again. He nuzzled and kissed his way up my stomach until he reached my pulled-up shirt. Then he looked up at me, his hair a little messy and his face wet in places, but smiling widely. Still breathing heavily I ran my fingers through his hair and laughed a little.

«Aw baby, I've made such a mess..!» I exclaimed apologetically and tried to wipe his cheek with my hand.

«It's all right, you didn't exactly force me to do that...» he chuckled.

«But I am very grateful that you did!» I said and leaned in to kiss him passionately. The scent of me was still heavy on his face. «I think we both might need a little clean up... Shower?» James hummed and nodded, not being difficult to persuade. 

He trailed after me upstairs and into the bathroom. Once there I turned on the shower then quickly tore off the remainder of my clothes and then undressed James, smiling a little as I noticed his erection. «What's that all about, I have barely touched you,» I said teasingly. He took my hand and pulled me into the shower, holding me so close his cock pressed up against me.

«You don't have to! You think that downstairs wasn't a turn on for me as well?» He raised an inquisitive eyebrow at me.

«Oh yeah? What about it turned you on?» I nibbled at his bottom lip and pressed my hips against him a little as I asked and he hummed throatily. Forcefully I pushed him back up against the tiled wall, pinning him against it with my body and my hands on the wall either side of him. Warm water trickled over both of us as I kissed along his jawline and neck, waiting for an answer.

«Hmm.» I understood why he needed a moment to think. Putting into words what turns you on in a given moment isn't easy because it isn't something you consciously think about, it just happens, an instinctive response to something you experience. If he had asked me the same, I would've had to think about it as well.

«The feel of your skin against my lips. And my hands...» He said thoughtfully.

«Mhm?" I mumbled, encouraging him to go on.

«Your taste... How wet I can make you...» He continued. My palms slid easily across his wet skin as I ran my hands over his chest, down his sides and over his hips. I felt his cock pressed up against my hip, warm and throbbing, twitching in reaction to my lips and nibbles on his skin.

«Anything else...?» I urged.

«Making you come. Loudly...» he breathed and then swallowed hard, talking was a little difficult for him now but he didn't need my encouragement to keep talking anymore. «I love hearing you wince and moan, I love that I can do that to you. The louder, the better.»

«Was I loud? I kind of lost track there for a minute.» I smiled a little embarrassedly up at him.

«A little,» he whispered, looking proud of himself.

«Wonder if I can make you be loud?» I mused, pulling back from him enough to slip a hand between us. Teasingly I hovered over his mouth just out of reach while I lightly I brushed my fingers over the tip of his cock and he twitched again. I kept hovering as I gently closed my hand around him, and my face was so close to his I could feel the heavy, ragged breath he gave as I slowly began pumping him. Still pumping him lazily I sank down on my knees, trailing my lips and my tongue along his skin all the way down. Looking up at him he already had his eyes closed and mouth a little open, enjoying the slow pleasure I was building in him with my hand. His long, greying hair was drenched and a strand was sticking to his forehead, his skin was glistening wet and his cheeks was flushed. I wanted to give him my full attention and make him feel just as loved and lusted after as he had made me feel. Wanted to give him the same amount of pleasure too, if that was possible. Having gotten to my knees I let go of his cock and placed my hands on his hips. My mouth never parted contact from his skin as it trailed down his lower stomach and groin before I began kissing my way up his shaft. As I flicked my tongue over his sensitive, exposed head I felt his hand squeeze my neck and I heard him draw a sharp intake of breath. Smiling a little to myself I took just the tip of his cock in my mouth and ran my tongue around it in circles.

«God, Emily...» He moaned huskily. By the salty taste on my tongue I knew this wouldn't last long. Closing my mouth a little tighter around him I took him into my mouth, pressing my tongue against his shaft. Keeping my lips tightly closed around him to increase friction I began working on him and he groaned again and swore under his breath. I rubbed his hips as I worked on him with my mouth, then slid my palms down his thighs. While I gradually built up speed I trailed my fingertips lightly up and down along the backside of his thighs and knees. His huffs and moans became more frequent and unpredictable and I experimented with my mouth and my tongue, chasing more sounds from James. Looking quickly up at him I saw his mouth hanging open and his eyes tightly shut in pleasure. His hand took hold of the back of my head and he pushed himself into my mouth a little in search for more friction. In an effort to give it to him I closed a hand around the base of his cock and began moving it up in time to meet my mouth.

«Fuck..!» He hissed through gritted teeth and I could feel how he tried to hold back and not push harder on the back of my head, his hips was bucking a little and I knew he was just chasing after his climax now. On an impulse I brought my free hand up to his testicles and cupped them, massaging them while I kept up the fast pace on his cock. I hadn't tried it before, but I just went with the moment, hoping it would just increase his pleasure.

«I'm close..!» He groaned hurriedly, and a few seconds later his legs trembled and he spat out a high-pitched. «Emily, I'm co--» and that was all he managed before he erupted into a loud, strained groan. I kept up the movements with my hands on his cock and balls, milking him through his orgasm and his whole body shuddered. He came all over my hands, my shoulder and himself, but it washed away quickly with the water. While his eyes was still closed and he was busy relishing the last remnants of his orgasm I got to my feet and gave him a surprise kiss, hand still wrapped around his cock.

«Hmm, you can be a little loud, you too,» I smirked against his lips and he chuckled before taking my lips in a deep, grateful kiss.

«You are too fucking good at that,» he said as he smiled at me. «But that last thing you did, why on earth haven't you done that before? That was just...!» He wasn't able to find a suitable word to finish his sentence.

«Wasn't sure you'd like it...» I shrugged a little insecurely.

«From the result you got out of it, what do you think?» He asked sarcastically and I laughed loudly and promised him to do it more. We spent another twenty minutes in the shower, slowly running hands full of shower-gel over each others bodies and washing each others hair, looking at each other. It was one of those intimate, silent moments that just stay with you forever, even if it was just a shower and you can't really describe what made it so special. Maybe it was because for the first time since he knocked on my door I didn't see any guilt or regret in his eyes that could remind me of what the hurt he had caused me, I just saw the warmth and admiration that told me how much he loved me. 

Chapter 24

Having my last shift at the hospital the following day turned out to be a secret blessing, because it kept my hands as well as my head occupied. I imagine I would've gone out of my mind if I had been at home in my apartment, thinking about James, missing him, needing him. It was like he had left right in the middle of something important. Not that he had wanted to leave, I had told him to go and do to his job. I also knew he had gone just because I had said so, and right now the only thing he was able to do was whatever I wanted him to. We still had things to say to each other, apologies to make, a bridge to gap. But it would have to wait, at least for a little bit, and meanwhile I was glad I had work to keep me busy. I was showered with attention, flowers and words of praise all day, from patients, nurses and doctors. It felt ridiculous to say goodbye to all these people when I wasn't sure I was going anywhere after all, a few times I had to fight back the urge to exclaim: "hey guys, I was only joking, I'm not leaving anyway, can I stay?" My reason to leave had suddenly turned into my reason for wanting to stay. Another thing I needed to talk to James about. It would have to wait.

            Unable to fall asleep until I knew James had arrived in Cardiff, I had stayed awake the previous night until I knew James was at his hotel. He called me a few times on the way, "just to hear my voice" as he said. Even though he did most of the talking, ranting about my music or horrid Christian motorists ruining traffic. Now that he had finally gotten through to me he had a need to keep the connection open, to keep talking, so I let him talk, just happy to hear him talk. He called from his hotel room to say a quick goodnight.

            I hadn't heard anything since, but I knew they had an early start and a busy day, he had warned me about that and I barely had time to check my phone until I was out of the hospital that afternoon. On it was a text message. "You'll be picked up at 8pm. James." I frowned at the phone, puzzled. Was that it? Hurriedly I typed a text back. "Am I going somewhere? Who is picking me up, you? Details, please!" The phone remained silent as I walked from the hospital to my flat. Finally getting a reply I read it quickly. "You'll see. Don't ask, I won't tell. Can't wait to see you again. James." Curiosity was killing me, James had to be up to something. I spent the remainder of the afternoon leading up to 8pm pacing around restlessly. What should I wear? Normal clothes? Should I pack something? What was happening? Asking James was pointless, he had said he wasn't going to tell me anything and I knew how stubborn he could be. Time typically seemed to move diabolically slow, and I felt I had aged several years when it finally reached 8pm. I had decided on wearing normal clothes, not having been told to neither up, down or in any particular way. A big, severe-looking Mercedes was outside my building when I closed the door behind me, and a middle-aged man in a dark business-like suit approached me.

"Emily?"
"Um, yes?" He shook my hand politely.

"I'm here to pick you up." The man opened the door to the backseat for me and I got in, feeling awkward and out of place. There was a rose and a folded card on the seat next to me. Opening it I saw James' familiar handwriting. "Let the poor man drive and don't bother him, he isn't allowed to tell you anything either. X James." I laughed at loud at the written message. Smelling my rose I looked absentmindedly out the window as the lit-up London streets passed by. My heart was pounding and I had butterflies in my stomach, feeling nervous and excited like a child the day before its birthday. This was something very unfamiliar for me, not knowing what to expect. The drive took about 15 minutes, and it took me passed places in London I knew very well, but that didn't tell me much about what my final destination was: past Leicester square, Trafalgar Square and Parliament square, past the Parliament and over Westminster bridge. As the car came to a halt I spotted James standing on the sidewalk, looking wind-swept and tense. Spotting the car he hurried over, opened the door for me and offered a hand to help me out. At first I just had eyes for him, with his hair slightly on end and his blue eyes. He was wearing one of his flowery patterned shirts and my favourite brown leather jacket and he looked amazing.

"Hey, you," he breathed, looked from the rose I was holding and to my face, then pulled me in for a kiss.

"Hello," I smiled back and returned the kiss. He was nervous and giddy about his surprise, which was incredibly endearing. "James? What are we doing here?" I asked as I looked up at the huge building in front of us, unable to restrain my curiosity anymore.

"We're going to the aquarium!" He said excitedly. "We talked a lot about wanting to go there, before... And we never did. Thought it was about time I took you."

"But.. isn't it closed by now?" I pointed out.

"Not for us." He smiled, took my hand in his and lead me eagerly toward the entrance. I couldn't help but giggle and followed him inside. The place was completely deserted apart from a woman sitting at the information desk. She gave us a friendly smile and a wave.

"Have fun, you two," she winked and went back to her paperwork. James dragged me onwards, obviously knowing which way to go. We entered a dark walkway, filled with that blue light you only got in aquariums, and a little further up the floor was partly made of glass. Underneath it was blue water and I saw something swim past quickly.

"Sharks!" James said excitedly and pointed. We got down on our knees and watched as the  huge animals sedately swam around with such apparent ease and tranquillity. James pointed out the different sharks and told me what he knew about them.

"Oh yeah, you dived with sharks, didn't you?" I said, remembering why James probably knew so much about them and James nodded. "I'm very jealous of that. I'd love to get a PADI license."

"Have you ever gone diving?" James asked.

"Yeah, tried scuba diving on Malta, many years ago. Amazing experience, it really is a different world down there. It was very windy that day, strong currents so most of the fishies were hiding away somewhere but it was still... incredible."

"We'll should do that someday. Go somewhere... sunny and warm, with clear waters, get you a divers permit..."

"Yes! I'm in! Deal!" I smiled eagerly, ecstatic to be making fun plans with him again. James got up to his feet and helped me up, then pulled me in for a quick kiss.

"Come on, more to see." We spent an hour meandering around the quiet aquarium. James rarely let go of my hand as I tottered around from one display to another, mesmerised by the beauty, the colours and the sheer oddness of animals and plants: seahorses, corals, rays and fish from all over the world. The penguins amused me to no end and I giggled like a schoolgirl as I watched them, making James laugh too. Eventually I managed to tear myself away from the penguins and we walked on.

"Ooh, ocean tunnel, I love those!" I said as we passed a sign. Turning the corner and looking in to the tunnel in front of me made me I stop dead in my tracks. The curved tunnel ceiling was made of glass, enabling us see the sandy bottom of the "ocean," the stones and coral reefs, the fishes and the turtles floating overhead. Because of the water the tunnel was bathed in a mystical, blue-green light. This wasn't what had made me stop, because these things I had expected. In the middle of the tunnel was a table and two chairs. The table was set with a purple tablecloth, plates and cutlery, flowers in a vase and candles. More candles littered the floor of the tunnel here and there. Lost for words I spun around to look at James, wide-eyed and gaping.

"I thought.. this might be a good place to have dinner." He shifted uneasily and looked at the floor, suddenly insecure. Getting no reply he looked up at me and spotted my eyes brimming with tears. "Oh no, don't cry, no more crying," he said despairingly and quickly wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb. I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself.

"... this is perfect," I managed to squeak before clapping my arms around him to hide that I was still crying. "They're happy tears, ok?" I sobbed. Finally having gotten some control of my emotions I loosened my grip on James so I could see his face.

"I know this isn't... going to fix everything or undo what happened," James began. "I hate the fact that I hurt you, that you were miserable for weeks and weeks because of something I said and did. I can't undo that. All I can do is try make you feel the opposite. I want to take you places, do things with you, give you... happy moments and good experiences. Maybe someday they will outweigh all the hurt I caused. I want us to have a good time together again. I guess all I want to do is make you happy again, with me."

"This is a bloody good start," I sniffed and gave him a tearful kiss. He smiled, looking relieved. Taking his hand I led him into the tunnel, trying to take everything in. It looked magical. After a few steps I came to a halt again, transfixed by a green sea turtle floating past us overhead. James arms closed around me from behind as he also looked up.

"It looks so... peaceful," I sighed.

"Mm," James agreed. "I always thought turtles look so sage and wise. And old."

"Some of them look like grumpy old men," I observed.

"Like me?" James asked, I could hear the smirk in his voice.

 "You're not that old," I said pointedly and he chuckled a little against my neck. I turned around in his arms to face him. "How on earth did you swing all this?" I said, looking around us.

"I made about a hundred phone calls. Called in a few favours. I know a few people working with the sharks here, because of that documentary I did. And I begged a little. Well, a lot," he added.

"Thank you so much," I said sincerely and gave him a long, lingering kiss, trying to keep myself from crying again.

"Go on, sit down, food should be here soon," James said, nodding at one of the chairs.

"I will, hang on a sec," I said as I let go of James and pulled my phone out of my pocket to take a few photos, I wanted to be able to look back at this not just in my mind. While I snapped a few photos James turned his attention to what was going on in the waters above and around us. Stealthily I took a photo of James while he wasn't paying attention, he looked gorgeous in the blue light with his look of boyish fascination. The shutter-sound as the phone took a photo caused James to look at me and I bit my lip innocently.

"I might be old and grumpy, but the real turtles are that way," James pointed upwards.

"Oh shut up," I huffed. "I can tell the difference between you and turtles. I just... think you are a very handsome man, hence I want a photo of you." Despite having told James about my feelings for him, even that I loved him, this little admission made me blush shyly and I kissed his cheek quickly. I was pleased to see that James blinked rapidly a few times and blushed a little himself, then smiled awkwardly. "So, what are we having for dinner?" I asked as I sat down by the table.

"Well," James said as he joined my at the table. "This place doesn't have a restaurant or anything, so I had to go for some take out. I called that Moroccan place we talked about going to, they're making some sort of... tasting platters, a bit of everything."

"Ooh, sounds good!" I smiled. "But no seafood, right? That would feel very wrong in here," I added, eyeing a spangly fish lazily swimming past. James laughed loudly.

"I had the same thought. So no, no seafood." A rattling and footsteps in the distance revealed that someone was on their way. "There's the food now," James said as he got up and disappeared around the corner from which we had come. He said a hurried thank you and the set of footsteps retreated. James returned with two bottles of wine that were already opened.

"That isn't food," I pointed out dryly and he rolled his eyes.

"I only have two hands. Patience, woman," he huffed, but I could see the teasing glitter in his eyes.

"I could help you?" I suggested and he shook his head.

"No, no, you don't have to," he waved and vanished out of sight again. "You can pour wine!" I heard his disembodied voice call back to me. James had to make three more trips back and forth, each time carrying plates and bowls of various food. I recognised couscous and the familiar smell of spices like cinnamon, cumin, ginger and coriander. Everything looked and smelled delicious. "I can't tell you what any of this is," James said as he sat down, eyeing the food.

"That's couscous," I pointed out helpfully.

"Yes, that one I could have told you," he agreed with a chuckle.

"Oh, it doesn't matter," I waved. "I'm sure it's all good." James raised his glass of wine and held it out to me as if making a toast.

"To you. For finding it in your heart to open the door for me again. And for being the most big-hearted woman I have ever met." For a moment I was rendered speechless and had to clear my throat to be able to say anything.

"And to you. For finally coming to your bloody senses," I began and James gave a little chuckle. "And for being more stubborn than me in the end. I'm grateful you didn't give up on me and left, even when I told you to."
"To a new beginning? "James asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes. To a new beginning," I smiled and we clinked glasses. Eagerly and with some curiosity we dug into our food, quickly making a game of guessing what we were eating and arguing amicably whenever we disagreed. We agreed that we liked Moroccan food, on the whole. Once in a while I remembered where I actually was and got lost staring at the beautiful creatures swimming around.

"I swear Nemo over here is eyeing my food," I muttered when a particularly curious fish had stared at me for what felt like minutes, and James chuckled.

"Maybe it just thinks you're as beautiful as I do," James replied. I stared incredulously at him for a moment, then we broke out giggling.

"I'm torn between being flattered and booing at you, because that was just..."

"Cheap, yeah, " James finished, nodding. Turning serious, he added: "I mean it though."

"Are you flirting with me, Mister May?" I challenged, feeling silly from a few glasses of wine.

"Yes. Shamelessly," he smirked.

"Good," I nodded and had another sip of wine. Agreeing that we were both full, James cleared away plates and bowls, still refusing to accept any help from me.

"Are you too full for dessert?" he asked, looking secretive again.

"Never!" I smiled. "Don't you know me well enough to know that I have a separate space for dessert?"

"This isn't very fancy," James warned. "And I hope it hasn't melted," he added as he disappeared around the corner again. I couldn't help but laugh when he returned with a tub of  my favourite flavour of Ben & Jerry's and two spoons.

"Aaaw," I crooned as James sat down and handed me a spoon. The ice cream hadn't melted and we ate right out of the tub. "I remember the last time you bought me this. I was so ill!"

"I know, I was worried sick about you. I just couldn't leave you like that."

"I'm glad you didn't. I guess I never really said this to you, but I was so glad you came around that day. And that you stayed with me, I didn't want you to leave. As much as I wanted to pretend like I could take care of myself, all I really wanted was to be taken care of. By you."

"And you just couldn't let me without a little bit of a fight," he smiled.

"Of course I couldn't, " I said, returning the smile. "That was the first night you slept next to me. I remember I woke up in the middle of the night, surprised you were still there. I was all... sick and feverish and disgusting."

"I didn't want to get out of that bed even when I had to. I didn't care if you were sick, I just wanted to hold you."

"Aaaw," I crooned again and James blush embarrassedly. "You are incredibly cute when you're blushing," I added teasingly, making him even more flustered.

"You're enjoying making me, aren't you?" He tried to look stern but failed to hold back a smile. "Eat your ice cream." I obeyed orders and we ate in silence for a while.

"I might have regrets about finishing that," I sighed when the tub was empty.

"Me too," James agreed. "Want to get out of here? Stretch our legs, walk it off?"

"Yeah," I said, got to my feet and pulled on my jacket. Then I took a few step towards James and wrapped my arms gently around him. "But first..." I pulled him close and kissed him slowly and tenderly. I hummed happily and hugged him tightly. "Thank you so much for this," I said softly in his ear. "This has been just... perfect."

"You're welcome, love," he whispered back.
"We should blow out the candles before we leave," I pointed out as we let go of each other.

"Ah, I forgot. Fireman's daughter," James remembered. "You know, it would be ironic if we managed to burn it down though, this place is mostly made of water."

"Who is going to tidy up after us?" I asked when we had extinguished all the candles and headed out of the tunnel.

"People whom I have paid to do so, because you and I can't be bothered to tonight," he said simply. We walked out of the aquarium hand in hand, not saying much - we were too full to talk and I enjoyed having a last look at the aquariums. Returning to the entrance hall we said goodbye to the poor woman who was still sitting at the information desk.

"Poor woman," I said sympathetically as we walked out of the front doors. The chilly March-air hit me like a wall and cleared my head a little. "I hope she got paid triple overtime."

"That's so typical of you," James said and stopped to look at me. "Always thinking about everybody else."

"Mostly I think about you," I said, biting my lip coyly.

"Are you flirting with me now, miss Brendan?" He slipped his arms around me and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Yes. Shamelessly," I shot back and was rewarded with a quick kiss. Curious about what the rest of the night would bring I couldn't stop myself from asking. "So, what happens now?"

"Well..." James suddenly looked a bit insecure. "I.. Would you like to come home with me?"

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked, a bit perplexed.

"I'm.. not taking anything for granted. I don't expect us to just.. pick up where we left off, and I would understand if you wanted to take things easy..." He fiddled with my jacket as he talked, shy and awkward.

"I appreciate that," I said and ran a hand across his cheek. "But I've been away from you for far too long, I don't want to spend another night without you." At this James broke out into a relieved smile.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," I reassured him. "But I didn't pack anything."

"We can tell the driver to stop by your apartment on the way? If you want to pick up some things?" I just nodded my agreement and was given another kiss. Taking my hand James led me over to the big, black Mercedes and opened the door for me. I decided not to comment about it but silently hoped the driver was getting triple overtime as well, having had to wait for us this long. James gave the driver my address and some quick instructions and we set off. After having made a quick stop so I could pack some things we continued to Hammersmith. My hand found his in the darkness of the backseat, our fingers intertwining. The drive passed mostly in silence, we let our hands do the talking.

Fusker shot past us and disappeared inside as soon as James unlocked his front door. Being here again felt strange. I had so many memories from this house, happy memories, intimate ones, funny ones. But they were all overshadowed by the memory of the last time I had been here, it brought back James' cowardice and my own shock and despair. With an effort I tried to shake it, trying to keep in mind all the things James had said to me since then, what he had done to try and make it up to me. Done is done and the past couldn't be changed, what mattered was now.

"Go sit down in the living room." James said when we'd taken off our jackets and shoes. "Want anything? Cup of tea? Glass of wine? Beer?" I looked at him pointedly and he got the message. "Beer it is, then."

I sank down on James' comfortable sofa. Fusker leapt on to the sofa with an odd little meow and nudged my hand with his forehead, burrowing his head into it and purring loudly.

"Hello, mate," I crooned and scratched him behind the ears. "Did you miss me? Because I missed you, you little psycho."

"He did miss you," James said, appearing from the kitchen with two bottles of beer. "He's been incredibly clingy lately, nagging me to pet him all the time. Because you pet him all the time." He proffered a bottle to me and sat down next to me.

"What can I say, I'm generous with my cuddles," I smiled and inched up closer to him, draping my legs across his lap.

"I'm not complaining, "James assured and let a hand rest on my knee. I had a swig of my beer and rested my head back against the sofa.

"God, I'm still full," I sighed. After a long silence I noticed James looking fixedly at me. "What?" I urged.

"Nothing, I'm just... glad you're here. I thought you'd never come here again. This house just hasn't been the same since... It's been too quiet. Cold and empty. I hated it, I even thought about moving."

"I love this house," I said and looked around the living room lovingly. "I've missed it. Mostly because I've missed you, and the time we spent together in it." He gave my knee a little squeeze.

"Me too," he said quietly. He seemed to fall into thought for a moment. "Emily, please tell me you're not going back to Norway?" He looked at me pleadingly. Suddenly I remembered that I was out of a job, and soon would be out of a place to live as well. I frowned, thinking.

"Well, today was my last day at work. And in a week my contract at the flat is up. The plan was to go back, crash at my dad's for a while until I got a job and a place to live, but now.." Looking over at James I saw how sadness and fear crept back into his face, and I hastily added: "No. I don't want to go back to Norway. The only reason I wanted to leave was because everything in this bloody city reminded me of you, and that was just too painful."

"... and now?" He asked timidly.

"Now... I am having major regrets about quitting my job and giving up my flat!" I said with a little smile, nudging him with my foot.

"Oh god, I've... really caused a lot of trouble for you, haven't I? I'm sorry." James rubbed his face in frustration and looked at me apologetically.

"No, this particular trouble I caused all by myself," I said calmly. He was carrying enough guilt already, he didn't need to take on the blame for a decision I had made on my own as well. "If I had just... not been so quick to drop everything and run away... I should've hung in there for a little longer."

"I'm sure you can get another job, though? Or maybe even the old one back? They thought you did a good job, didn't they say that?"

"Yeah, they did. A job isn't the biggest problem right now, I'm pretty sure I can get work somewhere. The biggest problem is that I won't have a roof over my head in a week," I sighed.

"Come and stay here?" James said simply. My eyes shot upward and I gaped at him. "I mean it. If the last six weeks has made me sure of anything it's that I want to be with you. I love spending time with you. It doesn't have to be permanent, just until you find a new flat. But if you decided you liked living with me and wanted to stay, that would be... good too." I kept gaping, still stunned by James' suggestion.

"Are you asking me to move in with you?" I managed, knowing it was a stupid question, it had been pretty clear what he was asking me.

"I know moving in together is a serious decision. It's a big commitment, and had it been six months ago the prospect of moving in with someone  would've scared me senseless and I never would have suggested it. But it doesn't frighten me now, not having you in my life is a far more frightening thought. And as I said, it doesn't have to be permanent." I pretended to give it some more thought, but realised I had already decided.

"Okay," I said simply. It was James' turn to gape at me, clearly uncertain of what I had meant. "If you really mean it, then yes, I would love to stay here. At least for a wh--" The end of my sentence was cut short by James throwing his arms around me, nearly causing me to spill my beer. He hugged me tightly for a long time and then gave me a kiss. When we let go we looked at each other for a long time, neither of us knowing quite what to say. Needing to break the tension I said: "Did we just decide to move in together?"

"I think we did," James smiled. "At least for a while." I wrapped my arm around him, pulling him closer, and he rested his head on my shoulder.

"Speaking of being scared..." I began and ran my fingers through his hair. "I was scared too. Being with you, I... lost control. Over myself, my feelings, I couldn't hold back even if I wanted to. And I was scared about the same thing you were; that you didn't have the same feelings as I did. I wanted to tell you so badly, but... I thought it might chase you away if I told what I felt, that you'd think I was smothering you, that it would just be... too much. I wish had told you, because then maybe you wouldn't have... " My voice trailed off, unable to bring myself to say that he'd left me.

"Tell me now?" He asked quietly.

"Hmm, okay," I mumbled shyly into his hair and caressed the back of his neck while I thought. "I wanted to tell you that was crazy about you. And that you were everything I had ever hoped for and wanted in my life. That I had never met someone who was so... easy to be with, and have fun with, because with you I didn't have to think. It just came naturally to me, being with you, like we'd been together... before, in a previous life or something, even if I don't even believe in that concept. Ever since I lost my mum, I've longed for... a home, because I lost my home when I lost her. I wanted to find a place where I could feel safe, and cared for. Somewhere I belonged, where I was loved and supported. Someplace I could laugh, and love, and rest. Finding you... was like coming home." There was a long silence, it lasted so long I began to wonder if I had scared him with my honesty after all.

"I want to make you feel all those things again." James lifted his head off my shoulder to look at me, and for a moment all the grief and regret was back in his eyes.

"You do," I said reassuringly and ran a hand down his cheek. "You will. You already are." James sat up again and gave me a long, passionate kiss that almost took my breath away.

"Thank you," he whispered against my lips, then rested back against the sofa. "Listen, I have one more thing I thought I'd...," he began, but paused and started over. "How about this; I go upstairs, you wait here for about ten minutes and when you come upstairs I'll give you a full body massage? If you want one, that is," he added, looking a little awkward.

"I would love one," I smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear.

"Okay. Wait here, ten minutes, then come upstairs," he said, pulling me closer as he talked, then gave me a quick kiss and disappeared upstairs. I checked the time on my phone, and made the ten minutes pass by scratching Fusker's ears and draining the remains of my beer. I felt restless and nervous, but the good and excited kind, the impatient kind.

I nearly ran upstairs when the ten minutes were up, curious as to why he had needed time to prepare anything. His bedroom door was closed and assuming that was where he was I knocked gently. James opened the door and let me in. The room was dimly lit by a lamp on one of the nightstands, and bundles of candles here and there - on the nightstand, on the dresser and in the wide windowsill. The scent of jasmine permeated the room. It was coming from some incense sticks I had brought into the house months ago and which James had reluctantly admitted to liking. And he knew I liked it, that it made me relax. Music was coming from the little stereo which normally lived in the kitchen, he'd connected it to my iPod and Sigur Rós was currently playing. He knew that relaxed me as well.

"Aw," I said as I turned to James. "This is very nice." He didn't say anything, but took a step closer and calmly started to unbutton my jeans. While he did I ran fingers through his hair and tucked a strand behind his ear again, unable to stop myself from staring at him. I loved when he was quietly determined like now. He pulled down my jeans and I stepped out of them. Straightening up he pulled my shirt over my head, tossed it to the side and gave me a long, lingering kiss. Then he pointed to the bed, where a towel was waiting for me.

"Assume the position," he said, but was unable to maintain his stern face and ended the sentence with a childish giggle. Also laughing I sank down on my stomach on the bed, hugging a pillow. I felt the bed give way as James sat down on it by my feet.

"Sorry if my hands are cold," he muttered as he gently ran his hands over my lower leg, applying something that felt oily.

"They're not," I mumbled lazily into the pillow, smiling to myself. Vaguely I wondered what he was using, until the familiar smell hit me and I remembered that this was also a thing I had brought into the house; massage oil. I'd used it on James once when his neck was giving him trouble, then it had been shoved in a bathroom closet and I'd forgotten about it. Slowly he ran his palms over my skin, starting with my lower leg and working his way upwards to my thigh. Gradually he increased pressure, going from stroking to rubbing. He was good at it, systematic and meticulous as I would have guessed, but taking his time. Finishing one leg he moved to the other and gave it the same attention.

"Are you asleep?" He asked when he had finished the other leg.

"Mno, I'm in heaven," I sighed happily.

"Will your legs be okay if I do this?" James asked as he straddled my thighs.

"No, it's fine." He applied massage oil to my lower back and once again he began gently, just letting his palms slide across my skin, helped along by the oil. Gradually he worked his hands harder into my back, or used his thumbs on certain points. "Oh god, this feels so... good," I groaned. "I'm the happiest, most comfortable woman on earth."

"Stop it, you sounded like Clarkson just now. It's very off-putting, "James commented and I giggled into my pillow. "Especially since I was just about to do this," he added as he pulled down my knickers. Adding more oil to his hands he slid his palms over my buttocks. He ran his hands from my bum out to my hips, up my sides and down my lower back in slow circles.

"That's good too," I hummed again. I tried keeping in mind that this was meant to be a relaxing massage and not something sexual. But I couldn't ignore what James' warm, strong hands kneading my bum was doing to me. Eventually he pulled my knickers back up and inched further up, straddling my bum instead. I felt how he undid the strap of my bra and moved it out of the way. Adding more oil he began massaging the rest of my back, my shoulders and my neck. The massage was making me aware of just how tense and strained I had been lately, and all my worries and sadness had stored themselves in my neck and shoulders. Occasionally I moaned when James hit a tender spot.

"It doesn't hurt, does it?" He asked gently.

"Mno.... Well yes, kind of, but in a good way." As James kept rubbing and kneading my back, I felt how my muscles loosened and relaxed, and a weight I didn't even know I had been carrying was lifted off my back.

"Still awake?" James' hands, then his weight disappeared.

"Mmm..." I mumbled serenely.

"Flip over then," he commanded and smacked my bum playfully, making me squawk in surprise. I did what he asked however and turned over to my back. I had forgotten that James had undone my bra, and as it was already halfway off I tossed it on the floor. James was sitting on his knees at the foot of the bed, staring at me.

"Hey," I said and nudged him in the stomach with my foot to bring him out of his reverie. "You've seen those before?"

"Yeah, it's just been... a long time since I saw them last," he smirked, even blushing a little. He cleared his throat, looking like he was pulling himself together, took my foot in his lap and poured some more massage oil on his hands. "I know you're ticklish, but just..  try to relax. And keep in mind where your foot is, please don't kick me in the plums."

"Okay." I drew a deep breath and tried to relax my foot. Amazingly it didn't tickle at all, I was relaxed and James touch was firm enough not to tickle. I couldn't stop gazing at him, and he felt my eyes on him and looked up.

"You all right?" He asked.
"More than all right," I smiled back. "You are very good at that."

"Yeah? I haven't really... done this sort of thing much," he admitted.

"You're a natural, then." James smiled and swapped to my other foot. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, feeling more relaxed than I had in months. He worked his way up one leg and then the other, moving just as slowly and meticulously as he had before. "Aren't your hands cramping up from all this?" I asked.

"There you go, thinking about everybody else again," he said with an exasperated smile. "Don't worry. I could spend days just touching you."

"Aw, thank you," I sighed. "Imagine if Jezza or Hammond saw you now?" I added with a little chuckle. "The candles, incense, massage oil... You'd been emasculated for the rest of your life!"

"Pff, like I would care?" He said, raising an eyebrow. "I have a nearly naked, absolutely gorgeous woman all covered in oil lying in my bed! You're not the only one enjoying this, believe me!" He said with feeling, and I laughed. Having finished the other leg he inched up on the bed and cautiously straddled me. "Still all right?" He asked, tentatively resting his weight on top of me. Wordlessly I nodded reassuringly and rested a hand on his knee. "I'm going to have the softest man-hands in all of London," he mused as he poured more massage oil into his hands and rubbed them together to warm it up a bit.

"I love your soft man-hands," I smirked as he slid his palms over my stomach. I had always admired his hands, strong and masculine, but also so gentle. He was always good with his hands, no matter what he did with them. At first he concentrated on just my stomach, but eventually he slid his hands up between my breast, over my chest and down my sides to my stomach again. Every time his hands came close to my breasts I hoped he would slide his hands over them, but he didn't, just kept moving his hands around them in circles. He had kept his eyes on his hands, focusing on what he was doing, but now he looked into my eyes. At the same time I felt his palms slide over my breasts rather than between them, then slid back down my sides and over my stomach again. My chest heaved a little as his palm grazed over my nipples and I bit my lip, trying to focus on keeping eye contact. The hands came back up again and slid over my breasts once more, a little firmer this time. He repeated this a few times, my breath becoming more shallow with every pass. Then he brushed his palm over my erect nipples, his touch feather-light, and I huffed a little and closed my eyes. I felt his hands close around my breasts, cupping them. He began kneading them gently, his thumbs rubbing over my nipples and I hummed with delight. The pleasure was making me squirm a little under him, but just as I was about to let out a moan of pleasure his touch lightened. He ran his palms over my chest, my sides and my stomach one last time.

"Okay, I'm done," he said with a finality in his voice. Surprised I felt his weight on me disappear and I opened my eyes to see him lie down next to me on the bed. He leaned on one elbow and looked at me.

"What, no more massage?" I pouted.

"I've massaged your whole body, haven't I?" He asked innocently, raising an eyebrow. I realised maybe he was just being dim on purpose, wanting me to take the lead and decide what was going to happen next. My breath was still ragged after his treatment of my breasts and all I knew was that I wanted him.

"No, you missed a spot..." I said quietly, biting my lip innocently as I looked up at him. James' hand had been resting on my stomach, and I placed my hand over his and slid it slowly downwards until his palm was against my pussy. I used my own hand to press his palm against me, and I could feel how my knickers were already damp. His eyes had followed our hands, but now he looked into my eyes.

"Oh yeah, sorry, forgot about that spot..." he said with a cheeky little smile, and I felt his palm rubbing against me without my encouragement. Removing my hand from his I cupped his cheek instead, pulling his face down to mine, desperate for a kiss. His palm kept rubbing slowly against my pussy as he kissed me, slowly and deeply. Impatiently I squirmed against his hand and he slipped it inside my knickers. I moaned into his mouth as his fingertip slid over my wet clit and I shivered with pleasure. My hand travelled from his neck down over his chest and stomach and to the front of his jeans. I pressed my palm against his erection and I rubbed my hand against the denim slowly, causing him to give a throaty hum. I trailed kisses over his cheek and jaw, feeling the hint of a stubble against my lips. Needing to feel his skin I began unbuttoning his shirt with shaky hands, still nuzzling his cheek and neck. When the last button was undone he sat up slightly and tore his short and t-shirt off with a little help from me. As soon as they were gone I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him down to me, relishing the feel of his skin against mine. He found my mouth again, his tongue grazed over my lower lip and I opened my mouth to him, sliding my tongue against his. I buried  my hands in his hair as I kissed him passionately, pressing my chest against his even if there was no more space between us. James fumbled with his own belt and jeans, and I detangled my fingers from his hair to help him undo them, both giggling a little at our desperation. Finally both jeans and boxers were on the floor, and my knickers followed directly after. I sank backwards on the bed and pulled him on top of me. Feeling his familiar weight against me I sensed how desire rose in me, like my muscle memory remembered the feel of James' body against mine. I ran my fingertips down his back and over his bum and hips, desperate to feel as much of his skin as possible. Wanting him closer I hooked a leg over his hip and bum, pressing his body against mine and he huffed as his cock was pressed and slid against me. James slipped his hand underneath me and holding on to me firmly, he sat up. I wrapped my arms tightly around his shoulders as I felt myself being lifted off the mattress and he hoisted me into his lap, making me straddle him. I gave him a surprised look at the sudden change of position, and ran my hands over his shoulders and chest lovingly. He buried his fingers in my hair as he cupped my head in his hand and kissed me deeply. His other arm was wrapped tightly around my waist, pressing my body against his own and for a while we lost ourselves in the embrace, unable to move. Lazily he trailed kisses over my face and down my neck and collarbone, causing me to erupt in goose bumps. He took hold of my hips, lifting me up slightly to guide himself inside me. I clung onto him and buried my face against his neck, moaning against his skin as I felt him enter me. Soft, tender lips kissed my skin.
"God, I've missed you," he sighed against my shoulder.

"I've missed you too," I breathed back and continued to caress him with my mouth, every kiss was meant to reassure him that I had forgiven him, that I loved him and that I was his. James tilted his head, exposing his neck to my mouth. I brushed his hair away, then kissed and licked the skin right below his ear, continuing downwards to shoulder. In return he kissed me wherever he could reach. With James still cradling me in his arms I began rocking my hips, he breathed heavily and moaned in my ear. As I tried to increase the speed of my movements I felt how James' arms slid against my skin, the massage oil had gotten onto his skin as well now, making it hard to hold on.

"Emily, you're too.. slippery," he said with a little chuckle.

"And whose fault is that?" I retorted and nibbled his bottom lip teasingly.

"I sort of like it, though," he confessed with a whisper. Cradling me as tightly as he could James laid me gently down on the bed and we both sighed when our bodies made contact again as he came to rest on top of me.

"I love you," he breathed.

"And I love you," I smiled, cupping his face in my hands. James seemed to so preoccupied with looking into my eyes he forgot about everything else, and I wrapped a leg around him and raised my hips up against him to remind him what we had been doing. He huffed in surprise and guided himself inside me again, then started moving  his hips slowly and rhythmically. He buried his face against my neck, kissing me slowly. Nothing existed except what we could feel in the moment; our kisses and touches, our love and our lust for each other. Whatever had happened between us was swept from our minds, it didn't matter. All that mattered was now, and James. Everything blurred together, the sensation of our lips, our arms, our bodies. I closed my eyes as well and lost myself in the pleasure, and in between moans and huffs of delight I kissed and nibbled at his neck and his shoulder. I hadn't as much as thought a sexy thought in over a month, everything having to do with sex had just involved painful memories. Having been without sex for that long my body felt hypersensitive, like my senses were heightened and everything felt more intense. My frenzy was increased by James' thrusts, his kisses and nibbles against my neck and his grunts and moans. I raised my hips up against him, searching for more contact and friction, digging my fingertips into his shoulder-blades. A little surprised I felt like I was close already, and I stopped meeting his thrusts in an effort to slow down and make this last longer. But James wouldn't let me, he slipped an arm under me and took a firm hold of my bum, making me keep the pace. From his sharp breaths and frantic movements I knew he was as close as me. "Oh, god...!" Was all I managed to gasp before the orgasm slammed through me, far quicker than I was prepared for. I desperately kissed James for as long as I could, until I couldn't anymore. I kept riding out my climax against him with frantic thrusts and the pleasure just wouldn't let up, I had to bury my face against his neck not to scream. James came with a huge gasp and a long, strained moan, seizing up and clutching handfuls of bed-sheets. We needed an unusually long time to regain our senses, our breaths and our ability to use words. Finally he found the strength to raise himself up on wobbly arms and look down at me. "Jesus," I muttered incredulously. He nodded his consent and smiled, his eyes glittering and his hair was a mess. "God, you're gorgeous when you've just gotten laid," I sighed, and he chuckled loudly.

"Thank you. I think..." He gave my nose a little kiss. Then he laid down beside me and pulled me close, cradling me in his arms, and I pulled a duvet over both of us.

"That didn't last anywhere near as long as I wanted it to," I sulked.

"I know," he said and kissed my hair. "But we have all the time in the world to shag each other senseless," he added and I laughed a little and nuzzled into his skin. It had been a long day and so much had happened. My last day at work had been sad, and James' surprises at the Aquarium and him asking me to stay with him had been emotional and overwhelming, but for very different reasons. His massage had relaxed me, along with the sex, and I felt my eyes drooping as I lay resting against James. With an effort I snapped my eyes open and drew a deep breath.

"Lovely and romantic as they are, I am going to get out of this bed and blow these candles out before we fall asleep and burn down the house. Then we'll both be homeless," I mumbled. James eyes never left me as I crawled naked out of bed and walked around it to pick up James' discarded shirt to slip it on. Having blown out the candles I went downstairs for something to drink and brought a bottle of water with me upstairs. I handed it to him and caused him to nearly choke on water when I unceremoniously slipped his shirt off me right in front of him while he was about to have a drink. Satisfied I giggled smugly and got back into bed while James muttered, wiping water off his chin. He made another attempt at having a drink, then sank back down on the bed and pulled me close again.

"You've lost weight..." I pointed out concernedly and prodded his tummy gently.

"Have I?" He said incredulously. "Mum said the same thing, but I reckoned it was just her fussing."

"No, she was right," I said, propping myself up on one elbow to look at him. It was visible on him that he'd gotten thinner, his face less round, his chin and tummy had shrunk away a little. And I could feel the difference when I held him close.

"Well, I... haven't been in a very good place lately," he admitted hesitantly. "Things like eating has sort of slipped my mind." When I looked into his eyes I saw the hurt and regret creep back into them, making them cold and empty again. "It's a cliché, but... I was just wasting away without you."

"Tomorrow morning I'm making you a huge and awfully greasy breakfast," I smirked and kissed his cheek lovingly.

"Sounds great." The smile he gave me chased the sadness out of his eyes again. With a contented sigh I rested my head on his shoulder and wrapped an arm and a leg over him. His arm was draped around my back and he caressed me slowly. I fell asleep like that and slept heavily through the night, not moving from him.