Chapter 24

Having my last shift at the hospital the following day turned out to be a secret blessing, because it kept my hands as well as my head occupied. I imagine I would've gone out of my mind if I had been at home in my apartment, thinking about James, missing him, needing him. It was like he had left right in the middle of something important. Not that he had wanted to leave, I had told him to go and do to his job. I also knew he had gone just because I had said so, and right now the only thing he was able to do was whatever I wanted him to. We still had things to say to each other, apologies to make, a bridge to gap. But it would have to wait, at least for a little bit, and meanwhile I was glad I had work to keep me busy. I was showered with attention, flowers and words of praise all day, from patients, nurses and doctors. It felt ridiculous to say goodbye to all these people when I wasn't sure I was going anywhere after all, a few times I had to fight back the urge to exclaim: "hey guys, I was only joking, I'm not leaving anyway, can I stay?" My reason to leave had suddenly turned into my reason for wanting to stay. Another thing I needed to talk to James about. It would have to wait.

            Unable to fall asleep until I knew James had arrived in Cardiff, I had stayed awake the previous night until I knew James was at his hotel. He called me a few times on the way, "just to hear my voice" as he said. Even though he did most of the talking, ranting about my music or horrid Christian motorists ruining traffic. Now that he had finally gotten through to me he had a need to keep the connection open, to keep talking, so I let him talk, just happy to hear him talk. He called from his hotel room to say a quick goodnight.

            I hadn't heard anything since, but I knew they had an early start and a busy day, he had warned me about that and I barely had time to check my phone until I was out of the hospital that afternoon. On it was a text message. "You'll be picked up at 8pm. James." I frowned at the phone, puzzled. Was that it? Hurriedly I typed a text back. "Am I going somewhere? Who is picking me up, you? Details, please!" The phone remained silent as I walked from the hospital to my flat. Finally getting a reply I read it quickly. "You'll see. Don't ask, I won't tell. Can't wait to see you again. James." Curiosity was killing me, James had to be up to something. I spent the remainder of the afternoon leading up to 8pm pacing around restlessly. What should I wear? Normal clothes? Should I pack something? What was happening? Asking James was pointless, he had said he wasn't going to tell me anything and I knew how stubborn he could be. Time typically seemed to move diabolically slow, and I felt I had aged several years when it finally reached 8pm. I had decided on wearing normal clothes, not having been told to neither up, down or in any particular way. A big, severe-looking Mercedes was outside my building when I closed the door behind me, and a middle-aged man in a dark business-like suit approached me.

"Emily?"
"Um, yes?" He shook my hand politely.

"I'm here to pick you up." The man opened the door to the backseat for me and I got in, feeling awkward and out of place. There was a rose and a folded card on the seat next to me. Opening it I saw James' familiar handwriting. "Let the poor man drive and don't bother him, he isn't allowed to tell you anything either. X James." I laughed at loud at the written message. Smelling my rose I looked absentmindedly out the window as the lit-up London streets passed by. My heart was pounding and I had butterflies in my stomach, feeling nervous and excited like a child the day before its birthday. This was something very unfamiliar for me, not knowing what to expect. The drive took about 15 minutes, and it took me passed places in London I knew very well, but that didn't tell me much about what my final destination was: past Leicester square, Trafalgar Square and Parliament square, past the Parliament and over Westminster bridge. As the car came to a halt I spotted James standing on the sidewalk, looking wind-swept and tense. Spotting the car he hurried over, opened the door for me and offered a hand to help me out. At first I just had eyes for him, with his hair slightly on end and his blue eyes. He was wearing one of his flowery patterned shirts and my favourite brown leather jacket and he looked amazing.

"Hey, you," he breathed, looked from the rose I was holding and to my face, then pulled me in for a kiss.

"Hello," I smiled back and returned the kiss. He was nervous and giddy about his surprise, which was incredibly endearing. "James? What are we doing here?" I asked as I looked up at the huge building in front of us, unable to restrain my curiosity anymore.

"We're going to the aquarium!" He said excitedly. "We talked a lot about wanting to go there, before... And we never did. Thought it was about time I took you."

"But.. isn't it closed by now?" I pointed out.

"Not for us." He smiled, took my hand in his and lead me eagerly toward the entrance. I couldn't help but giggle and followed him inside. The place was completely deserted apart from a woman sitting at the information desk. She gave us a friendly smile and a wave.

"Have fun, you two," she winked and went back to her paperwork. James dragged me onwards, obviously knowing which way to go. We entered a dark walkway, filled with that blue light you only got in aquariums, and a little further up the floor was partly made of glass. Underneath it was blue water and I saw something swim past quickly.

"Sharks!" James said excitedly and pointed. We got down on our knees and watched as the  huge animals sedately swam around with such apparent ease and tranquillity. James pointed out the different sharks and told me what he knew about them.

"Oh yeah, you dived with sharks, didn't you?" I said, remembering why James probably knew so much about them and James nodded. "I'm very jealous of that. I'd love to get a PADI license."

"Have you ever gone diving?" James asked.

"Yeah, tried scuba diving on Malta, many years ago. Amazing experience, it really is a different world down there. It was very windy that day, strong currents so most of the fishies were hiding away somewhere but it was still... incredible."

"We'll should do that someday. Go somewhere... sunny and warm, with clear waters, get you a divers permit..."

"Yes! I'm in! Deal!" I smiled eagerly, ecstatic to be making fun plans with him again. James got up to his feet and helped me up, then pulled me in for a quick kiss.

"Come on, more to see." We spent an hour meandering around the quiet aquarium. James rarely let go of my hand as I tottered around from one display to another, mesmerised by the beauty, the colours and the sheer oddness of animals and plants: seahorses, corals, rays and fish from all over the world. The penguins amused me to no end and I giggled like a schoolgirl as I watched them, making James laugh too. Eventually I managed to tear myself away from the penguins and we walked on.

"Ooh, ocean tunnel, I love those!" I said as we passed a sign. Turning the corner and looking in to the tunnel in front of me made me I stop dead in my tracks. The curved tunnel ceiling was made of glass, enabling us see the sandy bottom of the "ocean," the stones and coral reefs, the fishes and the turtles floating overhead. Because of the water the tunnel was bathed in a mystical, blue-green light. This wasn't what had made me stop, because these things I had expected. In the middle of the tunnel was a table and two chairs. The table was set with a purple tablecloth, plates and cutlery, flowers in a vase and candles. More candles littered the floor of the tunnel here and there. Lost for words I spun around to look at James, wide-eyed and gaping.

"I thought.. this might be a good place to have dinner." He shifted uneasily and looked at the floor, suddenly insecure. Getting no reply he looked up at me and spotted my eyes brimming with tears. "Oh no, don't cry, no more crying," he said despairingly and quickly wiped a tear from my cheek with his thumb. I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself.

"... this is perfect," I managed to squeak before clapping my arms around him to hide that I was still crying. "They're happy tears, ok?" I sobbed. Finally having gotten some control of my emotions I loosened my grip on James so I could see his face.

"I know this isn't... going to fix everything or undo what happened," James began. "I hate the fact that I hurt you, that you were miserable for weeks and weeks because of something I said and did. I can't undo that. All I can do is try make you feel the opposite. I want to take you places, do things with you, give you... happy moments and good experiences. Maybe someday they will outweigh all the hurt I caused. I want us to have a good time together again. I guess all I want to do is make you happy again, with me."

"This is a bloody good start," I sniffed and gave him a tearful kiss. He smiled, looking relieved. Taking his hand I led him into the tunnel, trying to take everything in. It looked magical. After a few steps I came to a halt again, transfixed by a green sea turtle floating past us overhead. James arms closed around me from behind as he also looked up.

"It looks so... peaceful," I sighed.

"Mm," James agreed. "I always thought turtles look so sage and wise. And old."

"Some of them look like grumpy old men," I observed.

"Like me?" James asked, I could hear the smirk in his voice.

 "You're not that old," I said pointedly and he chuckled a little against my neck. I turned around in his arms to face him. "How on earth did you swing all this?" I said, looking around us.

"I made about a hundred phone calls. Called in a few favours. I know a few people working with the sharks here, because of that documentary I did. And I begged a little. Well, a lot," he added.

"Thank you so much," I said sincerely and gave him a long, lingering kiss, trying to keep myself from crying again.

"Go on, sit down, food should be here soon," James said, nodding at one of the chairs.

"I will, hang on a sec," I said as I let go of James and pulled my phone out of my pocket to take a few photos, I wanted to be able to look back at this not just in my mind. While I snapped a few photos James turned his attention to what was going on in the waters above and around us. Stealthily I took a photo of James while he wasn't paying attention, he looked gorgeous in the blue light with his look of boyish fascination. The shutter-sound as the phone took a photo caused James to look at me and I bit my lip innocently.

"I might be old and grumpy, but the real turtles are that way," James pointed upwards.

"Oh shut up," I huffed. "I can tell the difference between you and turtles. I just... think you are a very handsome man, hence I want a photo of you." Despite having told James about my feelings for him, even that I loved him, this little admission made me blush shyly and I kissed his cheek quickly. I was pleased to see that James blinked rapidly a few times and blushed a little himself, then smiled awkwardly. "So, what are we having for dinner?" I asked as I sat down by the table.

"Well," James said as he joined my at the table. "This place doesn't have a restaurant or anything, so I had to go for some take out. I called that Moroccan place we talked about going to, they're making some sort of... tasting platters, a bit of everything."

"Ooh, sounds good!" I smiled. "But no seafood, right? That would feel very wrong in here," I added, eyeing a spangly fish lazily swimming past. James laughed loudly.

"I had the same thought. So no, no seafood." A rattling and footsteps in the distance revealed that someone was on their way. "There's the food now," James said as he got up and disappeared around the corner from which we had come. He said a hurried thank you and the set of footsteps retreated. James returned with two bottles of wine that were already opened.

"That isn't food," I pointed out dryly and he rolled his eyes.

"I only have two hands. Patience, woman," he huffed, but I could see the teasing glitter in his eyes.

"I could help you?" I suggested and he shook his head.

"No, no, you don't have to," he waved and vanished out of sight again. "You can pour wine!" I heard his disembodied voice call back to me. James had to make three more trips back and forth, each time carrying plates and bowls of various food. I recognised couscous and the familiar smell of spices like cinnamon, cumin, ginger and coriander. Everything looked and smelled delicious. "I can't tell you what any of this is," James said as he sat down, eyeing the food.

"That's couscous," I pointed out helpfully.

"Yes, that one I could have told you," he agreed with a chuckle.

"Oh, it doesn't matter," I waved. "I'm sure it's all good." James raised his glass of wine and held it out to me as if making a toast.

"To you. For finding it in your heart to open the door for me again. And for being the most big-hearted woman I have ever met." For a moment I was rendered speechless and had to clear my throat to be able to say anything.

"And to you. For finally coming to your bloody senses," I began and James gave a little chuckle. "And for being more stubborn than me in the end. I'm grateful you didn't give up on me and left, even when I told you to."
"To a new beginning? "James asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes. To a new beginning," I smiled and we clinked glasses. Eagerly and with some curiosity we dug into our food, quickly making a game of guessing what we were eating and arguing amicably whenever we disagreed. We agreed that we liked Moroccan food, on the whole. Once in a while I remembered where I actually was and got lost staring at the beautiful creatures swimming around.

"I swear Nemo over here is eyeing my food," I muttered when a particularly curious fish had stared at me for what felt like minutes, and James chuckled.

"Maybe it just thinks you're as beautiful as I do," James replied. I stared incredulously at him for a moment, then we broke out giggling.

"I'm torn between being flattered and booing at you, because that was just..."

"Cheap, yeah, " James finished, nodding. Turning serious, he added: "I mean it though."

"Are you flirting with me, Mister May?" I challenged, feeling silly from a few glasses of wine.

"Yes. Shamelessly," he smirked.

"Good," I nodded and had another sip of wine. Agreeing that we were both full, James cleared away plates and bowls, still refusing to accept any help from me.

"Are you too full for dessert?" he asked, looking secretive again.

"Never!" I smiled. "Don't you know me well enough to know that I have a separate space for dessert?"

"This isn't very fancy," James warned. "And I hope it hasn't melted," he added as he disappeared around the corner again. I couldn't help but laugh when he returned with a tub of  my favourite flavour of Ben & Jerry's and two spoons.

"Aaaw," I crooned as James sat down and handed me a spoon. The ice cream hadn't melted and we ate right out of the tub. "I remember the last time you bought me this. I was so ill!"

"I know, I was worried sick about you. I just couldn't leave you like that."

"I'm glad you didn't. I guess I never really said this to you, but I was so glad you came around that day. And that you stayed with me, I didn't want you to leave. As much as I wanted to pretend like I could take care of myself, all I really wanted was to be taken care of. By you."

"And you just couldn't let me without a little bit of a fight," he smiled.

"Of course I couldn't, " I said, returning the smile. "That was the first night you slept next to me. I remember I woke up in the middle of the night, surprised you were still there. I was all... sick and feverish and disgusting."

"I didn't want to get out of that bed even when I had to. I didn't care if you were sick, I just wanted to hold you."

"Aaaw," I crooned again and James blush embarrassedly. "You are incredibly cute when you're blushing," I added teasingly, making him even more flustered.

"You're enjoying making me, aren't you?" He tried to look stern but failed to hold back a smile. "Eat your ice cream." I obeyed orders and we ate in silence for a while.

"I might have regrets about finishing that," I sighed when the tub was empty.

"Me too," James agreed. "Want to get out of here? Stretch our legs, walk it off?"

"Yeah," I said, got to my feet and pulled on my jacket. Then I took a few step towards James and wrapped my arms gently around him. "But first..." I pulled him close and kissed him slowly and tenderly. I hummed happily and hugged him tightly. "Thank you so much for this," I said softly in his ear. "This has been just... perfect."

"You're welcome, love," he whispered back.
"We should blow out the candles before we leave," I pointed out as we let go of each other.

"Ah, I forgot. Fireman's daughter," James remembered. "You know, it would be ironic if we managed to burn it down though, this place is mostly made of water."

"Who is going to tidy up after us?" I asked when we had extinguished all the candles and headed out of the tunnel.

"People whom I have paid to do so, because you and I can't be bothered to tonight," he said simply. We walked out of the aquarium hand in hand, not saying much - we were too full to talk and I enjoyed having a last look at the aquariums. Returning to the entrance hall we said goodbye to the poor woman who was still sitting at the information desk.

"Poor woman," I said sympathetically as we walked out of the front doors. The chilly March-air hit me like a wall and cleared my head a little. "I hope she got paid triple overtime."

"That's so typical of you," James said and stopped to look at me. "Always thinking about everybody else."

"Mostly I think about you," I said, biting my lip coyly.

"Are you flirting with me now, miss Brendan?" He slipped his arms around me and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Yes. Shamelessly," I shot back and was rewarded with a quick kiss. Curious about what the rest of the night would bring I couldn't stop myself from asking. "So, what happens now?"

"Well..." James suddenly looked a bit insecure. "I.. Would you like to come home with me?"

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked, a bit perplexed.

"I'm.. not taking anything for granted. I don't expect us to just.. pick up where we left off, and I would understand if you wanted to take things easy..." He fiddled with my jacket as he talked, shy and awkward.

"I appreciate that," I said and ran a hand across his cheek. "But I've been away from you for far too long, I don't want to spend another night without you." At this James broke out into a relieved smile.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," I reassured him. "But I didn't pack anything."

"We can tell the driver to stop by your apartment on the way? If you want to pick up some things?" I just nodded my agreement and was given another kiss. Taking my hand James led me over to the big, black Mercedes and opened the door for me. I decided not to comment about it but silently hoped the driver was getting triple overtime as well, having had to wait for us this long. James gave the driver my address and some quick instructions and we set off. After having made a quick stop so I could pack some things we continued to Hammersmith. My hand found his in the darkness of the backseat, our fingers intertwining. The drive passed mostly in silence, we let our hands do the talking.

Fusker shot past us and disappeared inside as soon as James unlocked his front door. Being here again felt strange. I had so many memories from this house, happy memories, intimate ones, funny ones. But they were all overshadowed by the memory of the last time I had been here, it brought back James' cowardice and my own shock and despair. With an effort I tried to shake it, trying to keep in mind all the things James had said to me since then, what he had done to try and make it up to me. Done is done and the past couldn't be changed, what mattered was now.

"Go sit down in the living room." James said when we'd taken off our jackets and shoes. "Want anything? Cup of tea? Glass of wine? Beer?" I looked at him pointedly and he got the message. "Beer it is, then."

I sank down on James' comfortable sofa. Fusker leapt on to the sofa with an odd little meow and nudged my hand with his forehead, burrowing his head into it and purring loudly.

"Hello, mate," I crooned and scratched him behind the ears. "Did you miss me? Because I missed you, you little psycho."

"He did miss you," James said, appearing from the kitchen with two bottles of beer. "He's been incredibly clingy lately, nagging me to pet him all the time. Because you pet him all the time." He proffered a bottle to me and sat down next to me.

"What can I say, I'm generous with my cuddles," I smiled and inched up closer to him, draping my legs across his lap.

"I'm not complaining, "James assured and let a hand rest on my knee. I had a swig of my beer and rested my head back against the sofa.

"God, I'm still full," I sighed. After a long silence I noticed James looking fixedly at me. "What?" I urged.

"Nothing, I'm just... glad you're here. I thought you'd never come here again. This house just hasn't been the same since... It's been too quiet. Cold and empty. I hated it, I even thought about moving."

"I love this house," I said and looked around the living room lovingly. "I've missed it. Mostly because I've missed you, and the time we spent together in it." He gave my knee a little squeeze.

"Me too," he said quietly. He seemed to fall into thought for a moment. "Emily, please tell me you're not going back to Norway?" He looked at me pleadingly. Suddenly I remembered that I was out of a job, and soon would be out of a place to live as well. I frowned, thinking.

"Well, today was my last day at work. And in a week my contract at the flat is up. The plan was to go back, crash at my dad's for a while until I got a job and a place to live, but now.." Looking over at James I saw how sadness and fear crept back into his face, and I hastily added: "No. I don't want to go back to Norway. The only reason I wanted to leave was because everything in this bloody city reminded me of you, and that was just too painful."

"... and now?" He asked timidly.

"Now... I am having major regrets about quitting my job and giving up my flat!" I said with a little smile, nudging him with my foot.

"Oh god, I've... really caused a lot of trouble for you, haven't I? I'm sorry." James rubbed his face in frustration and looked at me apologetically.

"No, this particular trouble I caused all by myself," I said calmly. He was carrying enough guilt already, he didn't need to take on the blame for a decision I had made on my own as well. "If I had just... not been so quick to drop everything and run away... I should've hung in there for a little longer."

"I'm sure you can get another job, though? Or maybe even the old one back? They thought you did a good job, didn't they say that?"

"Yeah, they did. A job isn't the biggest problem right now, I'm pretty sure I can get work somewhere. The biggest problem is that I won't have a roof over my head in a week," I sighed.

"Come and stay here?" James said simply. My eyes shot upward and I gaped at him. "I mean it. If the last six weeks has made me sure of anything it's that I want to be with you. I love spending time with you. It doesn't have to be permanent, just until you find a new flat. But if you decided you liked living with me and wanted to stay, that would be... good too." I kept gaping, still stunned by James' suggestion.

"Are you asking me to move in with you?" I managed, knowing it was a stupid question, it had been pretty clear what he was asking me.

"I know moving in together is a serious decision. It's a big commitment, and had it been six months ago the prospect of moving in with someone  would've scared me senseless and I never would have suggested it. But it doesn't frighten me now, not having you in my life is a far more frightening thought. And as I said, it doesn't have to be permanent." I pretended to give it some more thought, but realised I had already decided.

"Okay," I said simply. It was James' turn to gape at me, clearly uncertain of what I had meant. "If you really mean it, then yes, I would love to stay here. At least for a wh--" The end of my sentence was cut short by James throwing his arms around me, nearly causing me to spill my beer. He hugged me tightly for a long time and then gave me a kiss. When we let go we looked at each other for a long time, neither of us knowing quite what to say. Needing to break the tension I said: "Did we just decide to move in together?"

"I think we did," James smiled. "At least for a while." I wrapped my arm around him, pulling him closer, and he rested his head on my shoulder.

"Speaking of being scared..." I began and ran my fingers through his hair. "I was scared too. Being with you, I... lost control. Over myself, my feelings, I couldn't hold back even if I wanted to. And I was scared about the same thing you were; that you didn't have the same feelings as I did. I wanted to tell you so badly, but... I thought it might chase you away if I told what I felt, that you'd think I was smothering you, that it would just be... too much. I wish had told you, because then maybe you wouldn't have... " My voice trailed off, unable to bring myself to say that he'd left me.

"Tell me now?" He asked quietly.

"Hmm, okay," I mumbled shyly into his hair and caressed the back of his neck while I thought. "I wanted to tell you that was crazy about you. And that you were everything I had ever hoped for and wanted in my life. That I had never met someone who was so... easy to be with, and have fun with, because with you I didn't have to think. It just came naturally to me, being with you, like we'd been together... before, in a previous life or something, even if I don't even believe in that concept. Ever since I lost my mum, I've longed for... a home, because I lost my home when I lost her. I wanted to find a place where I could feel safe, and cared for. Somewhere I belonged, where I was loved and supported. Someplace I could laugh, and love, and rest. Finding you... was like coming home." There was a long silence, it lasted so long I began to wonder if I had scared him with my honesty after all.

"I want to make you feel all those things again." James lifted his head off my shoulder to look at me, and for a moment all the grief and regret was back in his eyes.

"You do," I said reassuringly and ran a hand down his cheek. "You will. You already are." James sat up again and gave me a long, passionate kiss that almost took my breath away.

"Thank you," he whispered against my lips, then rested back against the sofa. "Listen, I have one more thing I thought I'd...," he began, but paused and started over. "How about this; I go upstairs, you wait here for about ten minutes and when you come upstairs I'll give you a full body massage? If you want one, that is," he added, looking a little awkward.

"I would love one," I smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear.

"Okay. Wait here, ten minutes, then come upstairs," he said, pulling me closer as he talked, then gave me a quick kiss and disappeared upstairs. I checked the time on my phone, and made the ten minutes pass by scratching Fusker's ears and draining the remains of my beer. I felt restless and nervous, but the good and excited kind, the impatient kind.

I nearly ran upstairs when the ten minutes were up, curious as to why he had needed time to prepare anything. His bedroom door was closed and assuming that was where he was I knocked gently. James opened the door and let me in. The room was dimly lit by a lamp on one of the nightstands, and bundles of candles here and there - on the nightstand, on the dresser and in the wide windowsill. The scent of jasmine permeated the room. It was coming from some incense sticks I had brought into the house months ago and which James had reluctantly admitted to liking. And he knew I liked it, that it made me relax. Music was coming from the little stereo which normally lived in the kitchen, he'd connected it to my iPod and Sigur Rós was currently playing. He knew that relaxed me as well.

"Aw," I said as I turned to James. "This is very nice." He didn't say anything, but took a step closer and calmly started to unbutton my jeans. While he did I ran fingers through his hair and tucked a strand behind his ear again, unable to stop myself from staring at him. I loved when he was quietly determined like now. He pulled down my jeans and I stepped out of them. Straightening up he pulled my shirt over my head, tossed it to the side and gave me a long, lingering kiss. Then he pointed to the bed, where a towel was waiting for me.

"Assume the position," he said, but was unable to maintain his stern face and ended the sentence with a childish giggle. Also laughing I sank down on my stomach on the bed, hugging a pillow. I felt the bed give way as James sat down on it by my feet.

"Sorry if my hands are cold," he muttered as he gently ran his hands over my lower leg, applying something that felt oily.

"They're not," I mumbled lazily into the pillow, smiling to myself. Vaguely I wondered what he was using, until the familiar smell hit me and I remembered that this was also a thing I had brought into the house; massage oil. I'd used it on James once when his neck was giving him trouble, then it had been shoved in a bathroom closet and I'd forgotten about it. Slowly he ran his palms over my skin, starting with my lower leg and working his way upwards to my thigh. Gradually he increased pressure, going from stroking to rubbing. He was good at it, systematic and meticulous as I would have guessed, but taking his time. Finishing one leg he moved to the other and gave it the same attention.

"Are you asleep?" He asked when he had finished the other leg.

"Mno, I'm in heaven," I sighed happily.

"Will your legs be okay if I do this?" James asked as he straddled my thighs.

"No, it's fine." He applied massage oil to my lower back and once again he began gently, just letting his palms slide across my skin, helped along by the oil. Gradually he worked his hands harder into my back, or used his thumbs on certain points. "Oh god, this feels so... good," I groaned. "I'm the happiest, most comfortable woman on earth."

"Stop it, you sounded like Clarkson just now. It's very off-putting, "James commented and I giggled into my pillow. "Especially since I was just about to do this," he added as he pulled down my knickers. Adding more oil to his hands he slid his palms over my buttocks. He ran his hands from my bum out to my hips, up my sides and down my lower back in slow circles.

"That's good too," I hummed again. I tried keeping in mind that this was meant to be a relaxing massage and not something sexual. But I couldn't ignore what James' warm, strong hands kneading my bum was doing to me. Eventually he pulled my knickers back up and inched further up, straddling my bum instead. I felt how he undid the strap of my bra and moved it out of the way. Adding more oil he began massaging the rest of my back, my shoulders and my neck. The massage was making me aware of just how tense and strained I had been lately, and all my worries and sadness had stored themselves in my neck and shoulders. Occasionally I moaned when James hit a tender spot.

"It doesn't hurt, does it?" He asked gently.

"Mno.... Well yes, kind of, but in a good way." As James kept rubbing and kneading my back, I felt how my muscles loosened and relaxed, and a weight I didn't even know I had been carrying was lifted off my back.

"Still awake?" James' hands, then his weight disappeared.

"Mmm..." I mumbled serenely.

"Flip over then," he commanded and smacked my bum playfully, making me squawk in surprise. I did what he asked however and turned over to my back. I had forgotten that James had undone my bra, and as it was already halfway off I tossed it on the floor. James was sitting on his knees at the foot of the bed, staring at me.

"Hey," I said and nudged him in the stomach with my foot to bring him out of his reverie. "You've seen those before?"

"Yeah, it's just been... a long time since I saw them last," he smirked, even blushing a little. He cleared his throat, looking like he was pulling himself together, took my foot in his lap and poured some more massage oil on his hands. "I know you're ticklish, but just..  try to relax. And keep in mind where your foot is, please don't kick me in the plums."

"Okay." I drew a deep breath and tried to relax my foot. Amazingly it didn't tickle at all, I was relaxed and James touch was firm enough not to tickle. I couldn't stop gazing at him, and he felt my eyes on him and looked up.

"You all right?" He asked.
"More than all right," I smiled back. "You are very good at that."

"Yeah? I haven't really... done this sort of thing much," he admitted.

"You're a natural, then." James smiled and swapped to my other foot. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, feeling more relaxed than I had in months. He worked his way up one leg and then the other, moving just as slowly and meticulously as he had before. "Aren't your hands cramping up from all this?" I asked.

"There you go, thinking about everybody else again," he said with an exasperated smile. "Don't worry. I could spend days just touching you."

"Aw, thank you," I sighed. "Imagine if Jezza or Hammond saw you now?" I added with a little chuckle. "The candles, incense, massage oil... You'd been emasculated for the rest of your life!"

"Pff, like I would care?" He said, raising an eyebrow. "I have a nearly naked, absolutely gorgeous woman all covered in oil lying in my bed! You're not the only one enjoying this, believe me!" He said with feeling, and I laughed. Having finished the other leg he inched up on the bed and cautiously straddled me. "Still all right?" He asked, tentatively resting his weight on top of me. Wordlessly I nodded reassuringly and rested a hand on his knee. "I'm going to have the softest man-hands in all of London," he mused as he poured more massage oil into his hands and rubbed them together to warm it up a bit.

"I love your soft man-hands," I smirked as he slid his palms over my stomach. I had always admired his hands, strong and masculine, but also so gentle. He was always good with his hands, no matter what he did with them. At first he concentrated on just my stomach, but eventually he slid his hands up between my breast, over my chest and down my sides to my stomach again. Every time his hands came close to my breasts I hoped he would slide his hands over them, but he didn't, just kept moving his hands around them in circles. He had kept his eyes on his hands, focusing on what he was doing, but now he looked into my eyes. At the same time I felt his palms slide over my breasts rather than between them, then slid back down my sides and over my stomach again. My chest heaved a little as his palm grazed over my nipples and I bit my lip, trying to focus on keeping eye contact. The hands came back up again and slid over my breasts once more, a little firmer this time. He repeated this a few times, my breath becoming more shallow with every pass. Then he brushed his palm over my erect nipples, his touch feather-light, and I huffed a little and closed my eyes. I felt his hands close around my breasts, cupping them. He began kneading them gently, his thumbs rubbing over my nipples and I hummed with delight. The pleasure was making me squirm a little under him, but just as I was about to let out a moan of pleasure his touch lightened. He ran his palms over my chest, my sides and my stomach one last time.

"Okay, I'm done," he said with a finality in his voice. Surprised I felt his weight on me disappear and I opened my eyes to see him lie down next to me on the bed. He leaned on one elbow and looked at me.

"What, no more massage?" I pouted.

"I've massaged your whole body, haven't I?" He asked innocently, raising an eyebrow. I realised maybe he was just being dim on purpose, wanting me to take the lead and decide what was going to happen next. My breath was still ragged after his treatment of my breasts and all I knew was that I wanted him.

"No, you missed a spot..." I said quietly, biting my lip innocently as I looked up at him. James' hand had been resting on my stomach, and I placed my hand over his and slid it slowly downwards until his palm was against my pussy. I used my own hand to press his palm against me, and I could feel how my knickers were already damp. His eyes had followed our hands, but now he looked into my eyes.

"Oh yeah, sorry, forgot about that spot..." he said with a cheeky little smile, and I felt his palm rubbing against me without my encouragement. Removing my hand from his I cupped his cheek instead, pulling his face down to mine, desperate for a kiss. His palm kept rubbing slowly against my pussy as he kissed me, slowly and deeply. Impatiently I squirmed against his hand and he slipped it inside my knickers. I moaned into his mouth as his fingertip slid over my wet clit and I shivered with pleasure. My hand travelled from his neck down over his chest and stomach and to the front of his jeans. I pressed my palm against his erection and I rubbed my hand against the denim slowly, causing him to give a throaty hum. I trailed kisses over his cheek and jaw, feeling the hint of a stubble against my lips. Needing to feel his skin I began unbuttoning his shirt with shaky hands, still nuzzling his cheek and neck. When the last button was undone he sat up slightly and tore his short and t-shirt off with a little help from me. As soon as they were gone I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him down to me, relishing the feel of his skin against mine. He found my mouth again, his tongue grazed over my lower lip and I opened my mouth to him, sliding my tongue against his. I buried  my hands in his hair as I kissed him passionately, pressing my chest against his even if there was no more space between us. James fumbled with his own belt and jeans, and I detangled my fingers from his hair to help him undo them, both giggling a little at our desperation. Finally both jeans and boxers were on the floor, and my knickers followed directly after. I sank backwards on the bed and pulled him on top of me. Feeling his familiar weight against me I sensed how desire rose in me, like my muscle memory remembered the feel of James' body against mine. I ran my fingertips down his back and over his bum and hips, desperate to feel as much of his skin as possible. Wanting him closer I hooked a leg over his hip and bum, pressing his body against mine and he huffed as his cock was pressed and slid against me. James slipped his hand underneath me and holding on to me firmly, he sat up. I wrapped my arms tightly around his shoulders as I felt myself being lifted off the mattress and he hoisted me into his lap, making me straddle him. I gave him a surprised look at the sudden change of position, and ran my hands over his shoulders and chest lovingly. He buried his fingers in my hair as he cupped my head in his hand and kissed me deeply. His other arm was wrapped tightly around my waist, pressing my body against his own and for a while we lost ourselves in the embrace, unable to move. Lazily he trailed kisses over my face and down my neck and collarbone, causing me to erupt in goose bumps. He took hold of my hips, lifting me up slightly to guide himself inside me. I clung onto him and buried my face against his neck, moaning against his skin as I felt him enter me. Soft, tender lips kissed my skin.
"God, I've missed you," he sighed against my shoulder.

"I've missed you too," I breathed back and continued to caress him with my mouth, every kiss was meant to reassure him that I had forgiven him, that I loved him and that I was his. James tilted his head, exposing his neck to my mouth. I brushed his hair away, then kissed and licked the skin right below his ear, continuing downwards to shoulder. In return he kissed me wherever he could reach. With James still cradling me in his arms I began rocking my hips, he breathed heavily and moaned in my ear. As I tried to increase the speed of my movements I felt how James' arms slid against my skin, the massage oil had gotten onto his skin as well now, making it hard to hold on.

"Emily, you're too.. slippery," he said with a little chuckle.

"And whose fault is that?" I retorted and nibbled his bottom lip teasingly.

"I sort of like it, though," he confessed with a whisper. Cradling me as tightly as he could James laid me gently down on the bed and we both sighed when our bodies made contact again as he came to rest on top of me.

"I love you," he breathed.

"And I love you," I smiled, cupping his face in my hands. James seemed to so preoccupied with looking into my eyes he forgot about everything else, and I wrapped a leg around him and raised my hips up against him to remind him what we had been doing. He huffed in surprise and guided himself inside me again, then started moving  his hips slowly and rhythmically. He buried his face against my neck, kissing me slowly. Nothing existed except what we could feel in the moment; our kisses and touches, our love and our lust for each other. Whatever had happened between us was swept from our minds, it didn't matter. All that mattered was now, and James. Everything blurred together, the sensation of our lips, our arms, our bodies. I closed my eyes as well and lost myself in the pleasure, and in between moans and huffs of delight I kissed and nibbled at his neck and his shoulder. I hadn't as much as thought a sexy thought in over a month, everything having to do with sex had just involved painful memories. Having been without sex for that long my body felt hypersensitive, like my senses were heightened and everything felt more intense. My frenzy was increased by James' thrusts, his kisses and nibbles against my neck and his grunts and moans. I raised my hips up against him, searching for more contact and friction, digging my fingertips into his shoulder-blades. A little surprised I felt like I was close already, and I stopped meeting his thrusts in an effort to slow down and make this last longer. But James wouldn't let me, he slipped an arm under me and took a firm hold of my bum, making me keep the pace. From his sharp breaths and frantic movements I knew he was as close as me. "Oh, god...!" Was all I managed to gasp before the orgasm slammed through me, far quicker than I was prepared for. I desperately kissed James for as long as I could, until I couldn't anymore. I kept riding out my climax against him with frantic thrusts and the pleasure just wouldn't let up, I had to bury my face against his neck not to scream. James came with a huge gasp and a long, strained moan, seizing up and clutching handfuls of bed-sheets. We needed an unusually long time to regain our senses, our breaths and our ability to use words. Finally he found the strength to raise himself up on wobbly arms and look down at me. "Jesus," I muttered incredulously. He nodded his consent and smiled, his eyes glittering and his hair was a mess. "God, you're gorgeous when you've just gotten laid," I sighed, and he chuckled loudly.

"Thank you. I think..." He gave my nose a little kiss. Then he laid down beside me and pulled me close, cradling me in his arms, and I pulled a duvet over both of us.

"That didn't last anywhere near as long as I wanted it to," I sulked.

"I know," he said and kissed my hair. "But we have all the time in the world to shag each other senseless," he added and I laughed a little and nuzzled into his skin. It had been a long day and so much had happened. My last day at work had been sad, and James' surprises at the Aquarium and him asking me to stay with him had been emotional and overwhelming, but for very different reasons. His massage had relaxed me, along with the sex, and I felt my eyes drooping as I lay resting against James. With an effort I snapped my eyes open and drew a deep breath.

"Lovely and romantic as they are, I am going to get out of this bed and blow these candles out before we fall asleep and burn down the house. Then we'll both be homeless," I mumbled. James eyes never left me as I crawled naked out of bed and walked around it to pick up James' discarded shirt to slip it on. Having blown out the candles I went downstairs for something to drink and brought a bottle of water with me upstairs. I handed it to him and caused him to nearly choke on water when I unceremoniously slipped his shirt off me right in front of him while he was about to have a drink. Satisfied I giggled smugly and got back into bed while James muttered, wiping water off his chin. He made another attempt at having a drink, then sank back down on the bed and pulled me close again.

"You've lost weight..." I pointed out concernedly and prodded his tummy gently.

"Have I?" He said incredulously. "Mum said the same thing, but I reckoned it was just her fussing."

"No, she was right," I said, propping myself up on one elbow to look at him. It was visible on him that he'd gotten thinner, his face less round, his chin and tummy had shrunk away a little. And I could feel the difference when I held him close.

"Well, I... haven't been in a very good place lately," he admitted hesitantly. "Things like eating has sort of slipped my mind." When I looked into his eyes I saw the hurt and regret creep back into them, making them cold and empty again. "It's a cliché, but... I was just wasting away without you."

"Tomorrow morning I'm making you a huge and awfully greasy breakfast," I smirked and kissed his cheek lovingly.

"Sounds great." The smile he gave me chased the sadness out of his eyes again. With a contented sigh I rested my head on his shoulder and wrapped an arm and a leg over him. His arm was draped around my back and he caressed me slowly. I fell asleep like that and slept heavily through the night, not moving from him.