Chapter 60

An audible crack came from James' hand as I held it in a vice-like grip, my eyes tightly shut and facing away from the screen, bracing for the awful news. Without even being aware of it, I was holding my breath, the fear threatening to consume me again.

“Emily, it's okay, you can look now, everything is fine, the baby is alive and healthy.” Beatrice's voice was filled with a mixture of amusement and sympathy as she spoke.

“Really?” I asked, eyes still tightly shut, but I lessened my grip on James' hand a fraction.

“Yes, everything looks perfect. The right amount of arms and legs, fingers and toes, all in their proper place,” she assured me. I opened one eye, squinting at the screen.

“No tail or... anything?” I asked timidly. At this question Beatrice laughed loudly.

“No, no tail or other inappropriate appendages,” she said, patting my knee. Slowly I opened both of my eyes to look at the screen. On it I could see the ghostly outline of a baby, its head slightly too big for the rest of it's body. I saw its spine, and an arm flailing around, its legs curled up against its body.

“Is it really okay?” I asked dazedly.

“Yes. Look, it's even sucking its thumb,” she said, pointing at the screen. Finally I allowed myself to break into a smile, feeling the relief washing through me. Beatrice pressed a few buttons and that squelchy, static sound of the baby's heartbeat could be heard. The baby flailed around and Beatrice had to chase it with the ultrasound probe. “Oh no, it's getting away..!” She said in mock horror and I laughed loudly. “Active little thing! Everything looks exactly like it should, heartbeat sounds great. He or she is a little on the small side, but that's to be expected considering the rough start you had. Besides, you're not exactly a giant either,” she added, looking pointedly at me.

“Yeah, I come from a family of midgets...” I sighed, still not taking my eyes off the monitor. Beatrice had taken a few stills, and put one up on the screen.

“I'll go print out a few of these for you.” Beatrice said as she took the probe away and habitually handed me tissues to wipe the gel off. “And I'll give you two some privacy. Take as much time as you need,” she said as she got up, patted my shoulder and exited the room, closing the door behind her. I cleaned the gel off and pulled my top down again, then sat up on the bench I had been lying on. James was still staring at the screen, his face half-hidden by his hair.

“James?” I wrapped my hand around his, squeezing it gently to get his attention. He turned slowly to face me, and the look on his face was something I hadn't expected. His mouth was a little open, his bottom lip trembling a little, his eyes brimming with tears. “Aw, honey...” I said, squeezing his hand once more. He blinked a few times and a tear ran down his face, he quickly averted his eyes and looked at the floor, his jaw trembling some more. “Happy tears?” I asked gently. Still staring at the floor he nodded, then took a step forward and buried his face against my shoulder and neck, hiding as well as searching for comfort. I wrapped my arms around him, patted his back and kissed his temple. The reaction I was seeing in James had surprised me, I had thought I was the one who was going to break down crying. But I understood him, understood why he was reacting this way. Seeing his child, and hearing its heartbeat, had been a lot more significant for James than he had been prepared for, it had overwhelmed him and brought him out of balance. I also suspected that he had been a lot more afraid of something being wrong than he admitted to, and that the relief he was feeling was also a reason behind him becoming so emotional. When James had composed himself he sniffed and straightened up a little. Arms still wrapped around me he leaned his forehead against mine. “You okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, I'm... just fine,” he whispered and broke out into a little smile. “I swear your pregnant hormones are catching,” he said with a watery chuckle, quickly wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. I giggled at him and ran my hand over his hair.

“They are pesky, those hormones, huh?” I said sympathetically, and wiped his other cheek with my thumb. He nodded.

“Yeah... I'm all right, it's just... That was a very special thing to see. And hear,” he admitted.

“I know.” I kissed him lovingly. “Now stop sobbing, man up and let's get out of here,” I said loudly, patting his chest and straightening up. James rewarded me with his loud, duck-like laughter.

After we got out of the doctor's office we went out for lunch, feeling like we could breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the baby was healthy. The café was very busy and crowded, so we tried our best not to talk about the pregnancy as long as we were there, both a little paranoid that someone would overhear and it would get out before we'd had a chance to tell our friends and family. Returning home I went upstairs to change out of my jeans, which had become uncomfortably tight lately, and with a sigh I came to the conclusion that I would have to go out and buy new clothes soon, bigger jeans and eventually maternity clothes. Feeling more comfortable in a pair of baggy sweats I went downstairs and made tea for both of us. James was staring at his phone when I entered the living-room.

“What are you up to?” I asked curiously as a landed next to him on the sofa.

“I was looking at our baby,” James said, smiling proudly as he showed me the ultrasound still on his phone. Beatrice had sent us the images on our phones as well as given us paper copies. She knew better than anyone how expectant parents tended to stare soppily at ultrasound images several times a day, especially first-timers.

“Aaw. Aren't you the cutest dad-to-be ever!” I giggled and he blushed a little, putting the phone away. I inched up to him, wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder. His arm closed around me and he caressed my upper arm. “I feel so much calmer, knowing that everything seems okay. I feel like I can breathe now.”

“Yeah, I know, I do too,” he sighed, kissing my forehead.

“You know... Maybe we should start telling people soon? I mean, we know the baby is okay now, and I'm only going to get bigger and it'll just get more difficult to hide.”

“Yeah, I think you're right, we should,” he agreed. “I was thinking maybe we could throw a party? Invite everyone we want to tell?”

“Really?” I asked, a little surprised, pulling back to look up at him with a frown. “...I didn't think big announcements were your kind of thing.”

“I wouldn't know if it's 'my kind of thing' or not, I've never done this before!” He retorted with a hint of sarcasm.

“No?”

“Announced that I'm becoming a father? No!” He said exasperatedly. “There are certain things in life you announce to people, like: 'I'm getting married', 'I'm getting divorced', 'I'm gay', 'I've been chosen to join the space programme' or, you know... 'we're having a baby'. And I've never done any of those, or any sort of big announcement.” At this I chuckled and nodded understandingly. “You know, when we moved in together... That happened so quickly, and we never really announced that to anyone. I sometimes wish we did, because to me that was a big and important thing. This time I thought it would be nice to gather all the people who are important to us, make a big thing out of it and celebrate a little, because this is a big thing,” he explained. Hearing him talk so excitedly about this made me smile, the happiness washing through me.

“I want that, too.”

“Okay,” he nodded, his face breaking out into a grin. “I'll sort out everything; I don't want you to get all stressed out over this. You can just... sit on your arse and point and order me around.”

“Oh-ho-ho, you have no idea what you just agreed to!” I guffawed, rubbing my hands together menacingly. We quickly made a list of people we wanted to invite: Jezza and Richard with their wives, of course, and friends of James' like Simmy, Colin, his manager Fiona and a few other friends, including his sisters. I decided to invite Kellie, Cathy from my previous job and my friend Wendy from the ward I was working now. My family back in Norway already knew, and I understood that they would wait until the baby was born to come visit. When we had finished our guest-list, James immediately started calling people. Planning this party we had realised we needed to have it as soon as possible, Christmas was coming up and we wanted to tell everyone before the holidays, and preferably before the huge, annual Top Gear Christmas party on December 20th, which didn't leave us with much time. Having made the round of calls, James had found out that most people could miraculously make it, if we held the party little over a week later.

A few days after our ultrasound, I was enjoying a particularly lazy Sunday. December-London was grey and cold, giving me the perfect excuse to stay inside under a blanket. James had been preoccupied and quiet all day, mostly keeping to himself in his study or in his garage, writing or tinkering away. Knowing that he had days just like I had, where he just needed personal space and to be left alone, I let him be. I had learned enough about James by now to know that he didn't always tell me everything that was on his mind. The more I got to know him, the more I realised that he probably revealed far less of his innermost thoughts than I was aware of. Why he didn't, I wasn't quite sure of. James had always been very protective with me, trying to shield me from anything that might upset me. Maybe he didn't want to bother me, or burden me or make me upset. He had told me had always felt like a bit of a loner, and he had probably never lived or been so close to anybody before in his entire life, he was still getting used to it. So I left him alone, hoping that he would come talk to me if he needed it, if needed some support. Late that evening he came in from the garage, greasy and dirty, and headed straight upstairs for a shower. I finished watching the episode of Castle I had been barely paying attention to, then switched off the telly thinking I would go to bed. Entering the bedroom I noticed the door through to the bathroom was open. James was standing in front of the mirror in his boxers, hair still damp from the shower. He was staring at his own reflection in the mirror, deep in thought, looking troubled. He was so preoccupied he didn't even notice me as I approached him until he saw my reflection in the mirror. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and kissed the back of his shoulder tenderly.

“Penny for your thoughts?” I asked kindly. He drew a deep breath and sighed heavily.

“I'm too old to become a dad, Emily,” he said. His eyes met mine in the reflection, they were full of sadness and worry. “I mean, look at me... I'm fat, and wrinkly, and my hair is grey, my whole body creaks like an old wooden house and I have a bad back and...”

“Hey, hey, hey,” I said firmly, trying to stop James' worried ranting. This was so typical of him, he wouldn't talk about something that was troubling him, and when he finally did everything came pouring out of him like a dam had just broke inside him. Grasping him by the shoulders I forced him around to face me, taking him away from obsessing over his own reflection in the mirror. When his eyes met mine he looked apologetic, but mostly just very sad. “Aaw, sweetheart...” I cupped his face in my hand, caressing his cheek with my thumb. Briefly he closed his eyes to the gentle touch. “Come here.” Taking him by the hand I lead him into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling him down next to me. He fiddled with his own hands, looking upset. To comfort him I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, running my fingers calmly through his damp hair. “James... When this baby looks at you, it isn't going to see any of those things, you know? It'll just see... dad. You're just going to be cuddly, safe, silly, long-haired daddy, with the weird laugh and the squishy tummy.” At this James chuckled sadly, but he still looked worried. “James, do you feel old?”

“I... yes, I do, sometimes. Especially in the mornings...” He said quietly, not looking at me.

“James, that doesn't count! Everyone feels old in the morning! I spend the first hour of every single day feeling a thousand years old! That wasn't what I meant, though.”

“Jezza and Richard say I'm ancient all the time,” he argued, a sulky quality to his voice now.

“Oh that's bollocks, and you know it. They call you that because you're calm, you're sensible – well most of the time anyway, and you're pedantic, you think things through. Basically, everything they are not. They associate those qualities with being boring and old, but that's just wrong, they're just personality traits,” I argued back.

“Well... No, I guess I don't feel old, not really. Most of the time I wonder where the last twenty years went, I feel like I should still be thirty,” he admitted.

“See! James, you can't get so hung up on which year you were born, that really isn't what matters. I've known supposed grown women act like snooty, immature teenagers, and I've had mates far younger than me who was as old and wise as bloody Buddha. What age you are on paper is one thing, what age you are in your head is completely another,” I finished firmly.

“But... I'll be old enough to be its granddad, Emily,” he persisted.

“All right, granted, you are older than most first-time dads,” I conceded.

“That's an understatement,” James chortled despite himself.

“I wasn't done! I was saying, you are a little older than most first-time dads, but that just means you're also a little wiser, right? You've established your life, you have stability, a stable economy.. You even have the freedom to cut back on work and just focus on being a dad, to take your time and enjoy it. Most people become parents when they're what, 25, 30? And they work themselves to death trying to pay off the mortgage and the car and the kids' daycare. And they miss out on all the good stuff, because they're busy or they're too tired, and suddenly the kid is 18 and it buggers off.” I squeezed James' shoulder to make him look at me. “Am I making any sort of sense? Do you get what I'm trying to say?” James broke out into a weak smile, looking mildly comforted.

“Yeah, I think I understand... Being a little older might have some advantages and not be entirely awful?” He ventured.

“Exactly,” I smiled, and leaned in to give him a kiss.

“You're probably right. Can we get into bed now? I'm freezing,” James said with a shiver, goose bumps blossoming on his bare arms. I nodded, got up from the bed and closed the bathroom door, turned off the ceiling light, tore off my clothes and crawled under the covers. James inched up to me and I squealed in the instant his cold skin hit mine. He chuckled mischievously and snuggled into me, searching for warmth. James' sudden talk of age had brought back a lot of sad memories, bringing old fears with them. The last time James had been thinking like this he had ended up breaking up with me, letting his fears get the better of him. What if something similar happened this time? After a long silence I ran my hand over his arm again and kissed his hair before talking.

“James? Do you still think you're too old to be with me?” At this unexpected question James raised his head off my shoulder and looked at me. I could see the answer in his eyes before he even spoke it.

“Yes,” he said simply.

“So you're still worried that I'm going to have some strange epiphany someday, realise you're too old for me and walk out on you?” I asked, feeling hurt now.

“I... Yeah, sometimes...” he admitted, looking ashamed and apologetic. For a moment I just looked into his eyes, absent-mindedly caressing his hair, trying to figure out what to answer. Then I took his hand and placed it on my tummy.

“James, I am having your baby. I can't think of a more powerful way of telling you how much I love you and how committed I am to you. I don't know what else I can do to assure you that you are absolutely everything I want, and I am never going to leave you. I need you, and this baby is going to need you.” James looked at me in stunned silence for a while.

“You don't have to do... anything else,” he mumbled, swallowing hard now, torn between feeling ashamed and touched.

“James, you have no idea how proud I am to be able to call you the father of my child. Our child,” I assured him, running my hand over his cheek again. He blinked rapidly a few times, and then leaned into hug me tightly.

“Thank you, sweetheart. I'm sorry for being so... It's just frightening, you know? Becoming a dad is still scaring me to death,” he admitted quietly.

“I know, baby...” I soothed, hugging him tight. “I think it's supposed to be scary. If we weren't terrified of becoming parents, we'd be bloody daft.” James sniffed and pulled back to look at me.

“You seem to be dealing with this so much better than me,” he observed. At this I laughed once, loudly.

“Have you forgotten the complete mental breakdown I had earlier this week?”

“No, I haven't forgotten. You were worried about the baby, and that's natural. But you seem so calm about becoming a mum,” he pointed out.

“James, believe me, I'm not calm about it!” I said, half-laughing. “But do you know what helps me?”

“No,” James said, shaking his head.

“Knowing that I have you. As long as I have you, I know I can do anything.” At this James broke out into a wide smile, then gave me a kiss, which turned into another, and another. When he pulled away James smiled at me again, his eyes twinkling. “You know, when I look at you... I don't see some geriatric, wrinkly, crippled old fart,” I said, and James giggled.

“No?” He asked, sounding amused.

“Mno. I see a man with... Gorgeous, blue eyes that crinkle up in this adorable way when he laughs. And his long hair has these silver-streaks that I find very sexy. And he has the most attractive arms and hands I've seen on any man...” I continued, running my palm down his arm. James listened quietly, but he was blinking and averting his eyes, looking flustered. “But most important of all, I see a man who is incredibly kind and thoughtful, who has a good head on his shoulders and who can fix anything. I see a man who is playful and child-like, and sometimes very childish, and who can make me laugh until I pee my pants. And I see a man who can make me weak at the knees just by looking at me in a certain way, a man who is my perfect lover. That doesn't sound like some wrinkled, sad old geezer does it?” I finished in a challenging voice. Not getting an answer I raised my eyebrows at him, waiting for a reply.

“Hmm, no...” he conceded, almost unwillingly. “I'm not absolutely certain you were talking about me just then,” he teased, leaning in for a kiss.

“I was,” I assured him, feeling his lips meet mine. He tried to convey so many things with that kiss, his gratitude as well as his love and adoration for me. Eventually, reluctantly, he let go of my lips and rested his head against my shoulder again.

“You didn't say anything about my fat stomach,” he added as an afterthought, and I guffawed with laughter.

“If you're fretting that much over your gut bucket, then cut back on pies and join a bloody gym, will you!” I shrieked, still laughing.

“Emily!” James gasped, sounding horribly affronted, as if I had suggested he'd take up prostitution. “Take that back! Or you're sleeping on the sofa!”

“Okay okay, I take it all back, don't cut back on pies, god forbid!” I laughed, relieved to see James returning to his normal self. “Feel better?” I asked when my laughter had subsided.

“Yes, a little. Still scared, but... Like you said – as long as I know I have you, I know I can do anything,” he echoed.

Chapter 59

It had been coming on all day, gradually building inside me, an avalanche just waiting to happen. After James and I had decided to have this baby, and I had allowed myself to be a little excited and happy about it, working with babies had turned into a joy again. Tragedies were bound to happen in a ward that took care of premature and sick newborns, but ever since I had started back at work we'd had mostly happy endings. But that day we had gotten a baby boy who looked absolutely perfect, apart from having all his insides on the outside. He had been delivered prematurely by C-section when they discovered that he had most of his intestines on the outside of his body. They were going to try and fix it through surgery eventually, but his outlook was anything but positive. Seeing it had sent me reeling, my thoughts going into overdrive. It was horrible trying to comfort and support parents who were in absolute despair, when all I could think of were my own fears. They had been in the same situation I was, nervous but excited and happy about having their first child. And now they didn't even know if he would survive. Thankfully I had managed to keep a professional appearance most of the day, but walking home the emotional chaos was revving up inside me, spinning out of control. I made it inside the front door, but as it slammed shut behind me I lost the ability to walk, or even to think, the fear completely paralysed me. My legs no longer willing to carry me they buckled, and I sank down onto the floor, my back against the door. In the distance I heard James' voice, I knew he'd be home, most likely writing in his study.
“Emily? You home? I thought I heard the d--” His voice came closer then stopped abruptly. I looked up just in time to see him rushing towards me. Swooping down onto his knees in front of me he studied me intently, patting me down as if he was checking that I was whole. “Emily! What's going on? Did something happen? Are you hurt?” I felt his hands on my upper arms, shaking me a little. 
“I'm.. okay...” I gulped, trying to breathe. 
“No, you bloody well aren't,” James mumbled. “Come on, off the floor, you can't sit here, it's drafty by the door,” he said calmly. Strong hands hooked under my arms and heaved me upwards. As James supported me through the hallway and into the living room I had a flashback to when he had supported me in much the same way when I had pneumonia, back when we had just been friends. I clung to him, feeling like my knees would buckle and I'd fall to the floor if I didn't. Reaching the sofa James sat down with me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tight. For a while he let me cry, but his concern made him impatient. “Emily, has something happened? Is it the baby?”
“No...” I sobbed, blindly shaking my head. “I'm... scared,” I managed to sob eventually.
“Scared? What for?” James asked kindly, kissing my forehead. 
“About tomorrow...”
“Tomorrow...?” He repeated nonplussed. After a minute it clicked. “What, the ultrasound?” At this I just nodded, letting out a half-choked sob. I felt his arms close tighter around me again. Drawing a deep breath I tried to pull myself together, at least enough to be able to talk. Quickly I wiped my face with my sleeve and looked up at James. Concerned, but calm and kind eyes met mine. “What are you so afraid of, love?” He asked mildly, running a hand over my hair.
“I'm terrified something will be wrong with the baby, I'm sure there's something wrong with it! What if it has like.. three heads, or a tail or... or has no legs? Maybe it'll have Downs something that'll make it handicapped for life, or some serious heart condition, or... What if it's not even alive?” As I spoke I couldn't hold the tears back, but I spoke through them, sniffling and sobbing in between sentences.
“Ssssh, Emily... You can't think like that, you'll drive yourself mad. How can you be so sure there is something wrong?”
“The day before you went to Africa, I'm sure I had like an entire bottle of wine. And I probably had alcohol before that, too. And I smoked! And then, when the nausea started... I didn't take care of myself, I didn't eat, I was constantly upset and stressed. I had so many awful thoughts in my head! I was dehydrated and anaemic and had heart arrhythmia and... What if that damaged the baby, what if I hurt it somehow? All the stress and emotional chaos and the way I treated myself?” I collapsed into James again, crying so hard I couldn't talk any longer.
“Emily, stop it.” James said firmly. When he spoke he sounded calm and rational, trying his best to help me see some sense. “I can't imagine you're the only woman in the world who happened to have alcohol right before they found out they were pregnant! My guess is that would apply to most modern women who has ever had children – and the vast majority of those babies turned out normal. Some wine and a few cigarettes hasn't necessarily caused any harm at all. You had a very rough start to this pregnancy, but your body prioritizes this baby, even if you didn't manage take care of yourself as well as you would have wanted to, your body took care of this baby to the best of its ability.”
“What if it's my fault? What if I caused something to go wrong?” I wailed against his shirt, unable to take in any of James' reassurances. He hugged me tighter again, but then he pushed me away a little, holding me by my upper arms.
“Emily, look at me. Stop it, and look at me,” he said. Hearing the sternness in his voice I gave a final sob and straightened up to look at him, feeling like he wasn't giving me a choice. “First of all – breathe,” he ordered, staring at me pointedly until I actually took a deep breath. “Good. And again... Has it crossed your mind that the baby might be perfectly fine?” I stared back at James, blinking slowly. My lack of an answer was answer enough for James. “You made it past the first three months. If there was something wrong, chances are you wouldn't have gone this far. You heard the heartbeat, the doctor said it sounded good and strong, and you heard that for yourself. Emily... If the baby is just fine, which it will be, then panicking like this, getting this hysterical and stressed isn't good for the baby, or for you.” Out of all the things James had said to try and calm me down, that last sentence what was really hit home. He was right, if the baby was perfectly fine, I was causing it stress by becoming so upset and letting my fear get the better of me. I hung my head a little and gave a resigned sniff. 
“I... I'm sorry..” I mumbled, feeling stupid and awkward. The rush of fear and emotions had been so overwhelming I was still trembling. Wrapping my arms around him I hugged him tight. “This is just so fucking scary, James.”
“I know... But getting this worked up won't do any of you any good. All right? Tomorrow is the ultrasound, and then we'll know for sure. Meanwhile, you need to try and calm down, sweetheart...” He said, patting my back, feeling how I was still shaking against him.
“Okay...” I sniffed, nodding against his cheek. Pulling back from me James looked calm, but determined. He got out of the sofa and stretched out a hand. “Come with me.” I took his hand and followed him compliantly, grateful that he was so calm and seemingly in control when I managed to be neither. Holding my hand he lead me upstairs, and I half expected him to lead me to the bedroom so he could lie next to me and hold me until I'd calmed down. Instead he turned and lead me into the bathroom. He let go of my hand to turn on the water in the bathtub, feeling the temperature, before finding a bottle of lavender oil in 'my' cupboard and poured some in. I watched him with a puzzled frown, surprised that he even knew that bottle existed, let alone where to find it. Pedantically he put the lavender oil back in its rightful place, then turned to face me and undid the button on my cardigan. He was unhurried and calm as he took off my top and bra. I supported myself with hands on his shoulders as he knelt down to take off my jeans, socks and my knickers. The smell of lavender and the heat from the water filling up the bathtub spread in the room. James straightened up and pointed to the bathtub. 
“Get in.” Without a word I took his hand for support and climbed into the bathtub, then let my body sink into the warm, fragrant water. James found a soft towel and rolled it up, placing it behind my neck for support. “Want me to make you a cup of tea?” He asked quietly. 
“No, thanks. Just... stay here with me,” I croaked, my voice hoarse from crying. 
“Okay,” he said quietly, then knelt down by the side of the bathtub, leaning both arms on the edge of the tub and resting his chin on his arms. Tranquil, blue eyes watched me quietly. I drew a deep, slow breath and closed my eyes, feeling how the warmth of the water, the smell of lavender and James' presence gradually calmed me down. Still resting his head on his own arm, he stretched out a hand and placed it on my tummy underneath the water, caressing it gently. His touch calmed me down even further. “Feel better?” He asked after a long silence. 
“Mm, yes,” I hummed quietly, smiling a little. “This was a very, very good idea, love.” My hand found his underneath the water and I intertwined my fingers with his.
“It was the best thing I could think of to try and get you to relax...” James mumbled, almost as if he was a little embarrassed. 
“If I'm honest, I never would've thought that you would draw me a lavender-scented bath,” I giggled, and James blinked rapidly as he blushed a little. 
“Don't tell anyone that I did. But it worked, didn't it?” He said a little defiantly. 
“Yes, baby, it did. Thank you. I'm sorry if I scared you. And for losing it so completely, and going all... hysterical hormonal woman on you,” I apologised, squeezing his hand. 
“Don't worry about it. It's natural to be scared and worry about those things, I guess. Don't you think everyone goes through that? I've been worried too, but I decided I was just going to wait for the ultrasound and hope for the best.”
“Yeah, I guess all pregnant women goes through this. And their partners. There was this baby boy at work today, he was born with all his insides on the outside, it just... terrified me.” 
“Are you sure working in that place is good for you right now?” He asked mildly, looking worried. “You don't have to work, you know.”
“I don't know, I'm starting to wonder,” I admitted. “I just think I'll go bonkers if I have to stay at home and do nothing until May! Lately we've had pretty... happy cases, you know? But this thing today... ”
“Try not to think about it any more, all right? Not now. We'll know tomorrow,” he said firmly. 
“Okay, I'll try,” I promised with a weak smile, then I sat up and gave him a grateful kiss. “Thank you so much, for everything.”
“Everything?” James asked, frowning.
“For being the calm and sensible counterpart to my hysterical, hormonal emotional roller-coaster and putting up with me when I have wobblers like these...” I began and he chuckled a little. “And for handling the thing with Richard so well.. And for everything else you've done for me lately, you've been so good with me, taking care of me, you've been so patient, so understanding and supportive.” 
“Well... I'm doing all of this now in the hope that maybe I can get out of changing poopy diapers later?” He said, biting his lip innocently and raising quizzical eyebrows at me. 
“Nice try, but noooot a chance,” I laughed, splashing a little water at him. 
“Bugger!” He exclaimed. I laughed some more and ran my hand over his cheek, feeling the hint of stubble under my fingertips. He closed his eye to my touch.
“You'll make such a good father, James.” At this he opened his eyes and looked at me. 
“Thank you,” he said quietly, and leaned over to give me a long, tender kiss. Still being kissed I pulled on his shoulders, trying to bring him out of balance. 
“Come in here with me?” I giggled against his lips. 
“As tempting as that is, both of us wouldn't fit in there. And I've already had a shower today, thank you!” He chuckled. For a while we just chatted quietly about everyday things, and I felt myself returning to a somewhat normal state of mind. The mind-numbing fear and panic from earlier was gone as if it had never been there, now all I felt was comfortable and safe. Just as I was thinking that the water was getting cold, James straightened up a little. “Ready to get out of there?” I nodded and James got up to pull a big, fluffy towel out of a cupboard. Like a gentleman holding a lady's hand when getting out of carriage, he held my hand as I got up and climbed out of the tub. He draped he fluffy towel over my head and shoulders and wrapped it around me. He rubbed it over my head to dry my hair and we both giggled, then he ran his hands over my arms and back to dry me off. I stared at him, mesmerized by him, by his quiet concentration and his tenderness, by his blue eyes and silver-streaked hair. I took a step closer to him and stood on tippy-toes, stretching my neck, trying to reach his lips. Realising what I wanted he leaned down a little and I kissed him slowly and tenderly. I let the towel slide past my shoulders and fall to the floor, pressed my naked body against him and deepened my kiss a little, running my tongue over his bottom lip. Still kissing him I slipped my hands under his shirt, on the hunt for bare skin. Instinctively James closed his arms around my naked body. I felt how his lips curled into a little smile and he shook his head a little. 
“Half an hour ago you were having a full blown panic attack,” he observed dryly. 
“And you did such a good job of comforting me and calming me down that I've gone from panic-attack to relaxed and… horny,” I retorted. “Besides, you were the one that took my clothes off.”
“You're hopeless,” he muttered in mock exasperation. 
“I'm pregnant, I'm allowed to be a little mental. And I'm just so... very... in love with you,” I breathed back. Leaning in, he took my lips in a lazy kiss and his hands slid down my lower back, taking my bum in a firm grasp. Taking his answer and his actions as a green light I quickly unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off his shoulder and down his arms, then tugged his t-shirt over his head. Kissing slowly we stumbled through to the bedroom while I tried to undo his belt and unbutton his jeans. Reaching the bed I tugged on his jeans and boxers and it fell to the floor. Still kissing him I crawled onto the bed on my knees, pulling him after me. Just the feel of his warm, soft skin against mine made my heart race and my breath quicken. I felt James' fingertips on my back, feather-light, tracing my spine and the curve of my bum, hip and thigh. 
“Turn around”, he breathed against my lips. His command made my stomach swoop with anticipation, not knowing what he was going to do or what was going to happen. Willingly I turned around, my back against his chest. Gently he guided me down on my stomach and parted my legs slightly to make room for himself. I hadn't even tried lying on my tummy since it had started to grow, but it wasn't big enough to get in the way. Yet. Waiting expectantly, I felt James' weight on me, his arms either side of me. His fingers brushed my damp hair out of the way, then I felt his mouth on my back, between my shoulder-blades. Slowly he trailed soft, but sensual kisses down my spine, inching his way down the bed as he went. I sighed audibly, almost purring beneath him, enjoying the attention and being showered in kisses. James went slowly, kissing and nipping at my lower back. His hair brushed lightly over my skin as he moved his head, I imagined it falling over his face as he was leaning over me, almost tickling me. His hand brushed lightly over my bum and down the inside of my thigh, my skin so sensitive I felt goosebumps blossom under his palm as he grazed places where the skin was extra thin. I was hugging a pillow, sensing how his touches and kisses were slowly building up my need and want for him, the anticipation in me mounting. His mouth disappeared, but I could feel his breath against my hypersensitive skin as he hovered over me, moving even further down the bed. I was distracted by his hand trailing up and down the inside of my thigh, and I gave a little squeal of surprise when I felt James bite teasingly, and a little hard, at my bum, before kissing it softly. “Hmm... I do love your bum,” he admitted in a low, husky voice. “It's bloody fantastic. I've never given it the appreciation it deserves.” His hand slid up to grab one buttock, firmly kneading it, while he kissed the other buttock, sometimes dragging his teeth over the skin. It was difficult to keep up with all the different sensations, the hard pinches of his palm kneading me, the soft, wetness of his lips and tongue, the feathery feeling of his hair on my skin, the sharp sensation of his teeth against my skin. I moaned softly into the pillow, squirming under him, feeling how I grew increasingly wetter and warmer. Without even thinking I spread my legs even more when I felt him slide down the bed a little further, focusing his kisses and his hands on the backs and insides of my thighs. I arched my back a little, willing to touch my pussy with his hand or his mouth, which didn't matter. James stubbornly kept his caresses and kisses to the backs of my thighs, being deliberately slow now. Impatiently I slid my arm underneath my own body, slipping my hand in between my own legs. I couldn't bare it any longer, I couldn't wait, I needed to be touched or I'd go mad. An involuntary wince escaped me as I ran my fingertips over my clit, rubbing it slowly. “Hmm... I'm torn between taking over, or keep watching you do that...” James breathed against the back of my thigh. 
“Well, if you're not going to take over, I sure as hell isn't going to stop,” I huffed frustratedly. He chuckled quietly, then bit the back of my thigh.
“So demanding...” He mumbled. But his hand slid up the inside of my thigh, and I breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't stop until his fingers found my clit. I removed my own hand and clutched the sheets in stead, moaning louder into the pillow. Needing more I arched my back again, pressing my pussy against his hand. I was so preoccupied with James' fingers against my clit I barely registered that he was shifting his weight on the bed, inching upwards again. As he trailed kisses over my bum, lower back and spine I felt his cock press against my thigh and eventually my bum, and I rocked gently back against him, increasing the pressure. His fingers disappeared from my pussy for a moment, but only so he could wrap his arm around my waist and slip it underneath me, resuming the rubbing of my clit. When his mouth reached my shoulders he laid still, nuzzling and kissing the back of my neck. His arm was trapped underneath me, and his cock was digging into my bum, his precum sticking to my skin. A little harder this time, I pushed my bum up against him, causing more friction, desperate to have him inside me. James used his own legs to spread mine further apart, then he took hold of my hips, making me arch my back a little and angle my hips. 
“Oh god, James..!” I moaned loudly as he pushed himself into me from behind. Fully inside me he laid completely still, his breathing heavy against the back of my neck. Carefully I rocked back against him, not used to this position and not knowing how much room we had to move. He was supporting himself on his arms, his weight resting on my pelvis. When James began to move his hips, thrusting into me, I laid still, bending one leg at the knee to feel him deeper inside me. I threw my head back, moaning with every thrust, fists curled up tightly around handfuls of sheets. 
“Fuck, Emily, this feels so good...” he huffed, thrusting faster. 
“It feels... amazing...” I gasped, meeting his movements by rocking back a little against him, cautiously so I wouldn't break our rhythm. James bent lower over me, supporting himself on elbow. His slid his free hand underneath me, kneading my breast roughly. My nipple was rock hard and he pulled at it a little with his fingers, causing me to moan louder. Letting go of my breast he managed to slip one arm underneath me again, his finger finding my clit again. I moaned loudly again, not knowing which sensation to focus on, I wanted to rock back on his cock just as much as I wanted to rub my clit against his fingers. “I'm.. gonna come if you do that..!” I warned with a huff.
“That's the point!” He huffed back, almost completely out of breath. I understood that he was close, just as close as I was. Moaning his name I raised myself on my arms a little so I could push harder back against him. My breasts were bouncing up and down, almost uncomfortably so, and the sound of our bodies pounding into each other mixed with our moans and heavy breathing. I heard a sharp intake of breath right before James seized up for a second, then he groaned loudly as he began thrusting even harder, his climax obviously peaking. As the orgasm rose within my own body I shut my eyes tightly, throwing my head back. I moaned his name in long, drawn-out howls of pleasure, twitching and trembling underneath him. Unable to hold his own body weight with just one arm any longer, James collapsed on top of me. His arm was still trapped underneath me, his hand against my pussy. We were both breathing raggedly. I rocked gently back against him a few times, both wincing quietly at how sensitive we were as we were enjoying the very last remnants of our orgasms. Coming back to my own senses I hummed happily, feeling how I was smiling widely. Slipping my hand underneath my own body I traced it along his arm until I found his hand resting between my legs. I interlaced my fingers with his, squeezing his hand. He kissed the back of my neck, trailing his lips up to that sensitive spot underneath my ear. He brushed his tongue over it, so lightly that it tickled and I giggled, squirming underneath him. With a low groan James moved a little, lying down next to me on his stomach, but still half-draped over me, his leg over mine and his arm on my back. I opened my eyes to look at him for the first time in what felt like a strangely long time. 
“Hi...” I breathed almost blushing as I looked into his eyes. 
“Hello, beautiful,” he whispered back with a smile, running his fingertips lightly along my spine again. 
“That was so... “ I began, but was at a loss for words. Apparently James was too, as he just nodded and leaned in a little closer, brushing his nose against mine. 
“I know...” he said, even more quietly than before, then he gave me a long, tender kiss. I closed my eyes to his kiss. 
“I love you.” My voice was barely audible as I whispered against his lips. Opening my eyes I looked at him dazedly. “What would I do without you? I can never live without you,” I said sincerely. 
“That's good, because you're never getting rid of me, I'm afraid,” James said with a little smile.