Chapter 59

It had been coming on all day, gradually building inside me, an avalanche just waiting to happen. After James and I had decided to have this baby, and I had allowed myself to be a little excited and happy about it, working with babies had turned into a joy again. Tragedies were bound to happen in a ward that took care of premature and sick newborns, but ever since I had started back at work we'd had mostly happy endings. But that day we had gotten a baby boy who looked absolutely perfect, apart from having all his insides on the outside. He had been delivered prematurely by C-section when they discovered that he had most of his intestines on the outside of his body. They were going to try and fix it through surgery eventually, but his outlook was anything but positive. Seeing it had sent me reeling, my thoughts going into overdrive. It was horrible trying to comfort and support parents who were in absolute despair, when all I could think of were my own fears. They had been in the same situation I was, nervous but excited and happy about having their first child. And now they didn't even know if he would survive. Thankfully I had managed to keep a professional appearance most of the day, but walking home the emotional chaos was revving up inside me, spinning out of control. I made it inside the front door, but as it slammed shut behind me I lost the ability to walk, or even to think, the fear completely paralysed me. My legs no longer willing to carry me they buckled, and I sank down onto the floor, my back against the door. In the distance I heard James' voice, I knew he'd be home, most likely writing in his study.
“Emily? You home? I thought I heard the d--” His voice came closer then stopped abruptly. I looked up just in time to see him rushing towards me. Swooping down onto his knees in front of me he studied me intently, patting me down as if he was checking that I was whole. “Emily! What's going on? Did something happen? Are you hurt?” I felt his hands on my upper arms, shaking me a little. 
“I'm.. okay...” I gulped, trying to breathe. 
“No, you bloody well aren't,” James mumbled. “Come on, off the floor, you can't sit here, it's drafty by the door,” he said calmly. Strong hands hooked under my arms and heaved me upwards. As James supported me through the hallway and into the living room I had a flashback to when he had supported me in much the same way when I had pneumonia, back when we had just been friends. I clung to him, feeling like my knees would buckle and I'd fall to the floor if I didn't. Reaching the sofa James sat down with me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tight. For a while he let me cry, but his concern made him impatient. “Emily, has something happened? Is it the baby?”
“No...” I sobbed, blindly shaking my head. “I'm... scared,” I managed to sob eventually.
“Scared? What for?” James asked kindly, kissing my forehead. 
“About tomorrow...”
“Tomorrow...?” He repeated nonplussed. After a minute it clicked. “What, the ultrasound?” At this I just nodded, letting out a half-choked sob. I felt his arms close tighter around me again. Drawing a deep breath I tried to pull myself together, at least enough to be able to talk. Quickly I wiped my face with my sleeve and looked up at James. Concerned, but calm and kind eyes met mine. “What are you so afraid of, love?” He asked mildly, running a hand over my hair.
“I'm terrified something will be wrong with the baby, I'm sure there's something wrong with it! What if it has like.. three heads, or a tail or... or has no legs? Maybe it'll have Downs something that'll make it handicapped for life, or some serious heart condition, or... What if it's not even alive?” As I spoke I couldn't hold the tears back, but I spoke through them, sniffling and sobbing in between sentences.
“Ssssh, Emily... You can't think like that, you'll drive yourself mad. How can you be so sure there is something wrong?”
“The day before you went to Africa, I'm sure I had like an entire bottle of wine. And I probably had alcohol before that, too. And I smoked! And then, when the nausea started... I didn't take care of myself, I didn't eat, I was constantly upset and stressed. I had so many awful thoughts in my head! I was dehydrated and anaemic and had heart arrhythmia and... What if that damaged the baby, what if I hurt it somehow? All the stress and emotional chaos and the way I treated myself?” I collapsed into James again, crying so hard I couldn't talk any longer.
“Emily, stop it.” James said firmly. When he spoke he sounded calm and rational, trying his best to help me see some sense. “I can't imagine you're the only woman in the world who happened to have alcohol right before they found out they were pregnant! My guess is that would apply to most modern women who has ever had children – and the vast majority of those babies turned out normal. Some wine and a few cigarettes hasn't necessarily caused any harm at all. You had a very rough start to this pregnancy, but your body prioritizes this baby, even if you didn't manage take care of yourself as well as you would have wanted to, your body took care of this baby to the best of its ability.”
“What if it's my fault? What if I caused something to go wrong?” I wailed against his shirt, unable to take in any of James' reassurances. He hugged me tighter again, but then he pushed me away a little, holding me by my upper arms.
“Emily, look at me. Stop it, and look at me,” he said. Hearing the sternness in his voice I gave a final sob and straightened up to look at him, feeling like he wasn't giving me a choice. “First of all – breathe,” he ordered, staring at me pointedly until I actually took a deep breath. “Good. And again... Has it crossed your mind that the baby might be perfectly fine?” I stared back at James, blinking slowly. My lack of an answer was answer enough for James. “You made it past the first three months. If there was something wrong, chances are you wouldn't have gone this far. You heard the heartbeat, the doctor said it sounded good and strong, and you heard that for yourself. Emily... If the baby is just fine, which it will be, then panicking like this, getting this hysterical and stressed isn't good for the baby, or for you.” Out of all the things James had said to try and calm me down, that last sentence what was really hit home. He was right, if the baby was perfectly fine, I was causing it stress by becoming so upset and letting my fear get the better of me. I hung my head a little and gave a resigned sniff. 
“I... I'm sorry..” I mumbled, feeling stupid and awkward. The rush of fear and emotions had been so overwhelming I was still trembling. Wrapping my arms around him I hugged him tight. “This is just so fucking scary, James.”
“I know... But getting this worked up won't do any of you any good. All right? Tomorrow is the ultrasound, and then we'll know for sure. Meanwhile, you need to try and calm down, sweetheart...” He said, patting my back, feeling how I was still shaking against him.
“Okay...” I sniffed, nodding against his cheek. Pulling back from me James looked calm, but determined. He got out of the sofa and stretched out a hand. “Come with me.” I took his hand and followed him compliantly, grateful that he was so calm and seemingly in control when I managed to be neither. Holding my hand he lead me upstairs, and I half expected him to lead me to the bedroom so he could lie next to me and hold me until I'd calmed down. Instead he turned and lead me into the bathroom. He let go of my hand to turn on the water in the bathtub, feeling the temperature, before finding a bottle of lavender oil in 'my' cupboard and poured some in. I watched him with a puzzled frown, surprised that he even knew that bottle existed, let alone where to find it. Pedantically he put the lavender oil back in its rightful place, then turned to face me and undid the button on my cardigan. He was unhurried and calm as he took off my top and bra. I supported myself with hands on his shoulders as he knelt down to take off my jeans, socks and my knickers. The smell of lavender and the heat from the water filling up the bathtub spread in the room. James straightened up and pointed to the bathtub. 
“Get in.” Without a word I took his hand for support and climbed into the bathtub, then let my body sink into the warm, fragrant water. James found a soft towel and rolled it up, placing it behind my neck for support. “Want me to make you a cup of tea?” He asked quietly. 
“No, thanks. Just... stay here with me,” I croaked, my voice hoarse from crying. 
“Okay,” he said quietly, then knelt down by the side of the bathtub, leaning both arms on the edge of the tub and resting his chin on his arms. Tranquil, blue eyes watched me quietly. I drew a deep, slow breath and closed my eyes, feeling how the warmth of the water, the smell of lavender and James' presence gradually calmed me down. Still resting his head on his own arm, he stretched out a hand and placed it on my tummy underneath the water, caressing it gently. His touch calmed me down even further. “Feel better?” He asked after a long silence. 
“Mm, yes,” I hummed quietly, smiling a little. “This was a very, very good idea, love.” My hand found his underneath the water and I intertwined my fingers with his.
“It was the best thing I could think of to try and get you to relax...” James mumbled, almost as if he was a little embarrassed. 
“If I'm honest, I never would've thought that you would draw me a lavender-scented bath,” I giggled, and James blinked rapidly as he blushed a little. 
“Don't tell anyone that I did. But it worked, didn't it?” He said a little defiantly. 
“Yes, baby, it did. Thank you. I'm sorry if I scared you. And for losing it so completely, and going all... hysterical hormonal woman on you,” I apologised, squeezing his hand. 
“Don't worry about it. It's natural to be scared and worry about those things, I guess. Don't you think everyone goes through that? I've been worried too, but I decided I was just going to wait for the ultrasound and hope for the best.”
“Yeah, I guess all pregnant women goes through this. And their partners. There was this baby boy at work today, he was born with all his insides on the outside, it just... terrified me.” 
“Are you sure working in that place is good for you right now?” He asked mildly, looking worried. “You don't have to work, you know.”
“I don't know, I'm starting to wonder,” I admitted. “I just think I'll go bonkers if I have to stay at home and do nothing until May! Lately we've had pretty... happy cases, you know? But this thing today... ”
“Try not to think about it any more, all right? Not now. We'll know tomorrow,” he said firmly. 
“Okay, I'll try,” I promised with a weak smile, then I sat up and gave him a grateful kiss. “Thank you so much, for everything.”
“Everything?” James asked, frowning.
“For being the calm and sensible counterpart to my hysterical, hormonal emotional roller-coaster and putting up with me when I have wobblers like these...” I began and he chuckled a little. “And for handling the thing with Richard so well.. And for everything else you've done for me lately, you've been so good with me, taking care of me, you've been so patient, so understanding and supportive.” 
“Well... I'm doing all of this now in the hope that maybe I can get out of changing poopy diapers later?” He said, biting his lip innocently and raising quizzical eyebrows at me. 
“Nice try, but noooot a chance,” I laughed, splashing a little water at him. 
“Bugger!” He exclaimed. I laughed some more and ran my hand over his cheek, feeling the hint of stubble under my fingertips. He closed his eye to my touch.
“You'll make such a good father, James.” At this he opened his eyes and looked at me. 
“Thank you,” he said quietly, and leaned over to give me a long, tender kiss. Still being kissed I pulled on his shoulders, trying to bring him out of balance. 
“Come in here with me?” I giggled against his lips. 
“As tempting as that is, both of us wouldn't fit in there. And I've already had a shower today, thank you!” He chuckled. For a while we just chatted quietly about everyday things, and I felt myself returning to a somewhat normal state of mind. The mind-numbing fear and panic from earlier was gone as if it had never been there, now all I felt was comfortable and safe. Just as I was thinking that the water was getting cold, James straightened up a little. “Ready to get out of there?” I nodded and James got up to pull a big, fluffy towel out of a cupboard. Like a gentleman holding a lady's hand when getting out of carriage, he held my hand as I got up and climbed out of the tub. He draped he fluffy towel over my head and shoulders and wrapped it around me. He rubbed it over my head to dry my hair and we both giggled, then he ran his hands over my arms and back to dry me off. I stared at him, mesmerized by him, by his quiet concentration and his tenderness, by his blue eyes and silver-streaked hair. I took a step closer to him and stood on tippy-toes, stretching my neck, trying to reach his lips. Realising what I wanted he leaned down a little and I kissed him slowly and tenderly. I let the towel slide past my shoulders and fall to the floor, pressed my naked body against him and deepened my kiss a little, running my tongue over his bottom lip. Still kissing him I slipped my hands under his shirt, on the hunt for bare skin. Instinctively James closed his arms around my naked body. I felt how his lips curled into a little smile and he shook his head a little. 
“Half an hour ago you were having a full blown panic attack,” he observed dryly. 
“And you did such a good job of comforting me and calming me down that I've gone from panic-attack to relaxed and… horny,” I retorted. “Besides, you were the one that took my clothes off.”
“You're hopeless,” he muttered in mock exasperation. 
“I'm pregnant, I'm allowed to be a little mental. And I'm just so... very... in love with you,” I breathed back. Leaning in, he took my lips in a lazy kiss and his hands slid down my lower back, taking my bum in a firm grasp. Taking his answer and his actions as a green light I quickly unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off his shoulder and down his arms, then tugged his t-shirt over his head. Kissing slowly we stumbled through to the bedroom while I tried to undo his belt and unbutton his jeans. Reaching the bed I tugged on his jeans and boxers and it fell to the floor. Still kissing him I crawled onto the bed on my knees, pulling him after me. Just the feel of his warm, soft skin against mine made my heart race and my breath quicken. I felt James' fingertips on my back, feather-light, tracing my spine and the curve of my bum, hip and thigh. 
“Turn around”, he breathed against my lips. His command made my stomach swoop with anticipation, not knowing what he was going to do or what was going to happen. Willingly I turned around, my back against his chest. Gently he guided me down on my stomach and parted my legs slightly to make room for himself. I hadn't even tried lying on my tummy since it had started to grow, but it wasn't big enough to get in the way. Yet. Waiting expectantly, I felt James' weight on me, his arms either side of me. His fingers brushed my damp hair out of the way, then I felt his mouth on my back, between my shoulder-blades. Slowly he trailed soft, but sensual kisses down my spine, inching his way down the bed as he went. I sighed audibly, almost purring beneath him, enjoying the attention and being showered in kisses. James went slowly, kissing and nipping at my lower back. His hair brushed lightly over my skin as he moved his head, I imagined it falling over his face as he was leaning over me, almost tickling me. His hand brushed lightly over my bum and down the inside of my thigh, my skin so sensitive I felt goosebumps blossom under his palm as he grazed places where the skin was extra thin. I was hugging a pillow, sensing how his touches and kisses were slowly building up my need and want for him, the anticipation in me mounting. His mouth disappeared, but I could feel his breath against my hypersensitive skin as he hovered over me, moving even further down the bed. I was distracted by his hand trailing up and down the inside of my thigh, and I gave a little squeal of surprise when I felt James bite teasingly, and a little hard, at my bum, before kissing it softly. “Hmm... I do love your bum,” he admitted in a low, husky voice. “It's bloody fantastic. I've never given it the appreciation it deserves.” His hand slid up to grab one buttock, firmly kneading it, while he kissed the other buttock, sometimes dragging his teeth over the skin. It was difficult to keep up with all the different sensations, the hard pinches of his palm kneading me, the soft, wetness of his lips and tongue, the feathery feeling of his hair on my skin, the sharp sensation of his teeth against my skin. I moaned softly into the pillow, squirming under him, feeling how I grew increasingly wetter and warmer. Without even thinking I spread my legs even more when I felt him slide down the bed a little further, focusing his kisses and his hands on the backs and insides of my thighs. I arched my back a little, willing to touch my pussy with his hand or his mouth, which didn't matter. James stubbornly kept his caresses and kisses to the backs of my thighs, being deliberately slow now. Impatiently I slid my arm underneath my own body, slipping my hand in between my own legs. I couldn't bare it any longer, I couldn't wait, I needed to be touched or I'd go mad. An involuntary wince escaped me as I ran my fingertips over my clit, rubbing it slowly. “Hmm... I'm torn between taking over, or keep watching you do that...” James breathed against the back of my thigh. 
“Well, if you're not going to take over, I sure as hell isn't going to stop,” I huffed frustratedly. He chuckled quietly, then bit the back of my thigh.
“So demanding...” He mumbled. But his hand slid up the inside of my thigh, and I breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't stop until his fingers found my clit. I removed my own hand and clutched the sheets in stead, moaning louder into the pillow. Needing more I arched my back again, pressing my pussy against his hand. I was so preoccupied with James' fingers against my clit I barely registered that he was shifting his weight on the bed, inching upwards again. As he trailed kisses over my bum, lower back and spine I felt his cock press against my thigh and eventually my bum, and I rocked gently back against him, increasing the pressure. His fingers disappeared from my pussy for a moment, but only so he could wrap his arm around my waist and slip it underneath me, resuming the rubbing of my clit. When his mouth reached my shoulders he laid still, nuzzling and kissing the back of my neck. His arm was trapped underneath me, and his cock was digging into my bum, his precum sticking to my skin. A little harder this time, I pushed my bum up against him, causing more friction, desperate to have him inside me. James used his own legs to spread mine further apart, then he took hold of my hips, making me arch my back a little and angle my hips. 
“Oh god, James..!” I moaned loudly as he pushed himself into me from behind. Fully inside me he laid completely still, his breathing heavy against the back of my neck. Carefully I rocked back against him, not used to this position and not knowing how much room we had to move. He was supporting himself on his arms, his weight resting on my pelvis. When James began to move his hips, thrusting into me, I laid still, bending one leg at the knee to feel him deeper inside me. I threw my head back, moaning with every thrust, fists curled up tightly around handfuls of sheets. 
“Fuck, Emily, this feels so good...” he huffed, thrusting faster. 
“It feels... amazing...” I gasped, meeting his movements by rocking back a little against him, cautiously so I wouldn't break our rhythm. James bent lower over me, supporting himself on elbow. His slid his free hand underneath me, kneading my breast roughly. My nipple was rock hard and he pulled at it a little with his fingers, causing me to moan louder. Letting go of my breast he managed to slip one arm underneath me again, his finger finding my clit again. I moaned loudly again, not knowing which sensation to focus on, I wanted to rock back on his cock just as much as I wanted to rub my clit against his fingers. “I'm.. gonna come if you do that..!” I warned with a huff.
“That's the point!” He huffed back, almost completely out of breath. I understood that he was close, just as close as I was. Moaning his name I raised myself on my arms a little so I could push harder back against him. My breasts were bouncing up and down, almost uncomfortably so, and the sound of our bodies pounding into each other mixed with our moans and heavy breathing. I heard a sharp intake of breath right before James seized up for a second, then he groaned loudly as he began thrusting even harder, his climax obviously peaking. As the orgasm rose within my own body I shut my eyes tightly, throwing my head back. I moaned his name in long, drawn-out howls of pleasure, twitching and trembling underneath him. Unable to hold his own body weight with just one arm any longer, James collapsed on top of me. His arm was still trapped underneath me, his hand against my pussy. We were both breathing raggedly. I rocked gently back against him a few times, both wincing quietly at how sensitive we were as we were enjoying the very last remnants of our orgasms. Coming back to my own senses I hummed happily, feeling how I was smiling widely. Slipping my hand underneath my own body I traced it along his arm until I found his hand resting between my legs. I interlaced my fingers with his, squeezing his hand. He kissed the back of my neck, trailing his lips up to that sensitive spot underneath my ear. He brushed his tongue over it, so lightly that it tickled and I giggled, squirming underneath him. With a low groan James moved a little, lying down next to me on his stomach, but still half-draped over me, his leg over mine and his arm on my back. I opened my eyes to look at him for the first time in what felt like a strangely long time. 
“Hi...” I breathed almost blushing as I looked into his eyes. 
“Hello, beautiful,” he whispered back with a smile, running his fingertips lightly along my spine again. 
“That was so... “ I began, but was at a loss for words. Apparently James was too, as he just nodded and leaned in a little closer, brushing his nose against mine. 
“I know...” he said, even more quietly than before, then he gave me a long, tender kiss. I closed my eyes to his kiss. 
“I love you.” My voice was barely audible as I whispered against his lips. Opening my eyes I looked at him dazedly. “What would I do without you? I can never live without you,” I said sincerely. 
“That's good, because you're never getting rid of me, I'm afraid,” James said with a little smile.