Chapter 51

Hospitals never give you much quiet, and I was awoken at 7 by the normal routines; blood tests and the rounds of blood pressure and other vitals. Luckily I fell asleep again, calmed by having talked to James and cleared the air, at least a little. By noon I got a text message. 'Can't stop thinking about you. Home alone at your sisters. Can I come see you?' I texted him back, telling him he could come. Forty minutes later he walked into my room, dressed in a dark pair of jeans and my favourite, dark blue shirt. Together with his tan and his overlong hair it made him look gorgeous, and I felt that electric jolt in my stomach.
«Hello,» he smiled, looking calm and happy.
«Hey you,» I smiled drowsily, having just had a nap.
«You look a bit better today?» He sat down and offered a hand, but left it up to me to take it. I snuck my hand into his and smiled weakly.
«I feel a bit better.»
«Sleep well?»
«Yeah... well, as good as anyone can sleep in a hospital bed,» I sighed, shifting uncomfortably on the bed. «I've told you I hate hospitals.» James chuckled a little and squeezed my hand.
«How's the nausea?»
«It's a lot better, today I've barely felt it. I actually had breakfast for the first time in a month.»
«That's good. I'm glad you're feeling better,» James smiled.
«Yeah. My blood pressure was good this morning too, I'm not dehydrated any more and my blood levels are better. So I'm getting out of here today,» I smiled back. «I'm waiting for all the paperwork to be done, might be another few hours.»
«You can come back to your sister's with me, then?» James said, smiling happily at me with twinkling eyes.
«Yeah, I'd like that,» I smiled back, squeezing his hand again. James hadn't let it go since he'd arrived. «What's it like staying at Elin's, then?»
«It's good, they're nice people. Your sister reminds me a lot of you. She actually lent me her car and let me drive here,» he added. I gave a surprised laugh.
«She'd only trust you with that because you're on the biggest motoring show in the world. She barely lets me drive it! How are the kids treating you, by the way?»
«Amalie is um... a little reserved. But Max, he likes things with wheels and engines so we get along just fine, we have mutual interests,» James said. I smiled a little as I had a mental image of Max who was always on the floor pushing his little fire trucks and cars around, and James playing with him. «They've asked for their auntie Emily, both of them,» James added. That was enough to make my eyes well up with tears again, I missed the kids and felt touched that they had asked for me.
«Oh, Ems...» James sighed, squeezing my hand. He leaned in closer, looking at me intently. «Do you know what I think is going on with you? I think this pregnancy has taken such a toll on you because you're not able to make the decision to terminate it. Because I think that you, in your heart of hearts, want to have this baby.» I opened my mouth to respond, but James gave me a look which asked that I let him finish. «When baby Emily came into your life, she... changed something in you. You would never admit to it, and you tried to hide it, but letting her go damn nearly broke your heart. I think that protecting her, taking care of her, feeling needed and depended upon... It didn't scare you half as much as you thought it would. And now that you have the chance to experience that again, maybe you've realised that it's what you want.» At first I didn't find my voice. James' words had made my heart stop, I felt like he could see straight into my head and my heart and pinpoint exactly what I hadn't managed to put into words myself. Worst of all was that I knew he was right. I wanted to keep it. But I couldn't.
«No, James, no...» I began, and once again my voice was constricted with tears, but I continued to talk through the sobs. «I don't want to keep this baby, I can't! I can't take care of a baby of my own, I don't want to, it's too hard. I don't want to be a single mum, I'd rather not have kids. A child deserves a mum and a dad who wants it and loves it and...» James squeezed my hand again and shushed me quietly, trying to stop my teary rambling. I took a slow, ragged breath, closing my eyes, trying to stop crying. James was quiet for a while, waiting for me to calm down.
«Emily... Ever since I came back and found the house empty, I have been so many things with you,» James said, but not unkindly. «I've been a little angry, and incredibly frustrated, I've been sad and absolutely sick with worry. And I've been climbing the walls missing you. But despite being upset and wanting to talk to you I've had so many odd thoughts popping into my head. Is it a boy or a girl? Will it take after Emily, or me? Who will it look like? What if the poor thing gets my laugh?» Despite myself I gave an involuntary, watery chuckle. And James continued. «Would a carseat actually fit in the back of a Porsche? Maybe we'd have to get a big Volvo? Would we need a bigger house?» James paused and gave an audible sigh. «Emily, I don't want children, I’ve always been honest about that...»
«I know that, James,» I said quietly, looking straight into James' eyes. Of course I knew that. And I wanted him to know that, because I didn't want to sit here and ask him for anything, least of all that he'd have a baby with me. I looked away from him again, sighing heavily. So this was where we were. I wanted to keep it, even though I wished I didn't want to. And James didn't want children. His hand squeezed mine again to draw my attention and I looked at him.
«Emily, you don't have to do this alone. As much as I've said I don't want children... I want your child. Our child. If that's what you want, too.»
«What...?» I said stupidly, blinking a few times. James' words washed over me, and I couldn't believe them. This changed everything. Ever since I had found out about my pregnancy I had thought about it on the basis that James wouldn't want to keep it, no matter what. And that if I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion, I would lose James over it. But now, everything was different. I was amazed that James had been wondering about the same things I had. He's said he wanted to have this baby if that was what I wanted. But what did I want? «Emily, say something.»
«I... I don't know what to say. I need... to try and sort my head out, to think...» I said slowly, frowning a little. «Can I have some time?» I looked at James pleadingly.
«Of course you can, sweetie,» James said, looking mildly exasperated over the fact that I even had to ask. He squeezed my hand reassuringly again.
«Thanks...» I said, returning his gentle smile. I fell deep into thought a while, and James kept quiet and gave me time to think, fiddling with his phone. After a while I felt my head was just spinning around in circles and I gave up trying to figure anything out for now. With a sigh I sat up on the edge of the bed.
«Don't get up, you'll fall over,» James reminded me dryly.
«Yes, I know, thank you!» I said with a little chuckle. «I just need to sit, I feel like I've been lying down for months.» James put the phone down and studied me, worry still visible on him. Suddenly I felt guilty again, and selfish, everything had been about me lately. I reached for his hand and he gave me it. «So, how have you been lately?» James looked a little surprised at the question.
«Oh, you know.. I'm useless without you,» he began quietly, giving a little shrug. «I haven't done much since I came back from Africa, just written a few articles. I had scheduled for a few weeks downtime anyway, knowing how rough filming these specials can be. Spent most of my time in the garage trying to fix things, really. Or breaking them, however you look at it. Mostly I've been thinking about you, missing you and... worrying. Feeling sorry for how I treated you.»
«That shoot was a rough one, huh? You looked pretty knackered when you came home.»
«It was! I was absolutely broken,» James admitted.
«I probably picked the worst time to tell you something like what I told you that night... Maybe I should have told you on the phone after all,» I mused.
«Maybe..» James agreed. «No point thinking about that now, anyway, whats done is done.» I nodded my agreement and sighed.
«Ugh, I need to get out of here,» I complained and slumped back down on the bed. «Bored.» James chortled and shook his head a little at my childish ways.
«Play with your iPad or something. We'll get out of here soon enough.» His paternal manner made me burst out laughing, but I dug my iPad out of my packed bag and wasted some time on it anyway. An hour later a nurse entered with all my discharge papers. As I sat on the edge of the bed she gave me some stern words about taking iron and folate supplements and about checking my hemoglobin levels and blood pressure. I nodded dutifully and promised that I'd take better care of myself from now on. I knew all the things she was lecturing me about, I just hadn't had a reason to do any of them. But maybe now I did. The nurse gave me a hug, wished me good luck and disappeared.
«I'm free!» I announced and got up. James watched me nervously with his arms half outstretched, ready to catch me any second if my knees buckled again. «Relax, I can stand on my feet. As long as I take my time,» I reassured him and got my shoes on. James took my bag and we walked out of the hospital and to the car in silence. Being out of the hospital felt wonderful, just the smell of fresh air was great, but it was November 1st and bitterly cold. «Keys,» I commanded as we reached the car. He looked at me hesitantly, but cowered under my glare and fished the keys of out of his pocket.
«You're just seizing the opportunity to drive your sister's car,» James smirked as he got in the passenger seat.
«No. I know this city a lot better than you, you dinnum. I used to live here for a year!» I argued.
«Really? I didn't know that,» James said as he buckled in and I started the car.
«In another lifetime, I was 19. I really wanted to study development, you know.. humanitarian work, third world countries.. But I didn't get in. I was so hell bent on living down here because my sister was pregnant so I studied history for a year in stead. That's where I read the Jared Diamond books.»
«Oh, right.»
«Which is why I have an irrational, deep hatred of Phillip the Second of Spain.»
«What?»
«Long story,» I waved. «We had an assignment where we had to read three biographies on him and compare 'the authors view on Phillip the Second's foreign policies'...» James snored loudly to demonstrate his boredom. «See, even Captain Slows fall into a coma over that.»
«I thought maybe I could take you out for dinner later?» James asked when he had finished laughing. «You need a proper meal. Lots of them, actually.»
«That sounds lovely, I'd like that. Hospital food is... well, hospital food. There's a good steakhouse in town?»
«Sounds good.»
Returning to the house we were greeted by dead quiet. My sister was snoozing on the sofa and the kids and her husband were obviously out somewhere. I dropped my bag off, quickly changed clothes and left her a note saying where we went. Over dinner our conversation was a little awkward and slow. We made an effort to chat about normal, everyday things, but it wasn't easy. There were so many unresolved things between us, things we both needed and wanted to talk about, decisions to make. But this wasn't the place and we both knew that. When the conversation turned to James' trip to Africa things loosened up a little, I bombarded him with questions and he talked eagerly about what sounded like an exciting, exhausting and sometimes surreal adventure. For the first time in what felt like months I laughed, loudly and properly, it had been such a long time the sound felt alien in my own ears. Spending time with James again felt both familiar and strange, I still hadn't quite gotten my head around the fact that he was actually here. Part of me had truly believed that I would never see him again. Now I couldn't even remember why I had been so sure of that.