Chapter 55

 The next morning I called Kellie and told her about everything, our decision and all the problems I'd had so far relating to my pregnancy. She was delighted to hear about our decision, and promised to call an obstetrician she knew right away so I could get a check-up. I had barely hung up when my phone rang. It was the obsestrician, a lovely woman called Beatrice who wanted to see me the same day if it was possible to check on my blood pressure and do some blood tests. It turned out Beatrice worked at the same hospital as I did, but at the day-clinic and she was rarely at the prematurity ward, hence our paths had never crossed before now. With James' schedule in my lap I set up an appointment for an ultrasound on December 2^nd, making sure James wouldn't be busy as I wanted him to come with me. James was out for the day, working on preparations for one of his new sciency projects for the telly. When I called to tell him I was going to the hospital he disliked the idea of me going on my own, even if it was just for a check-up and to stop by the ward where I worked so I could talk to my boss. All of a sudden he was concerned, fussy and over-protective, he made it sound like I was liable to pass out any minute. He even went so far as to offer to come home and take me to the hospital. I argued that I had passed out once, that I was in much better shape now and that I would promise to call him when I got to the hospital and when I got home. Secretly I appreciated him fussing, it made me feel cared for and protected.

At the hospital it felt good to have a chat with my boss, the guilt of going on sick-leave had weighed heavy on my conscious. Lying about why I wasn't able to work had been something I hated, and it was a huge relief to be able to tell her the truth, at least parts of it. I told her about the pregnancy, and told her briefly about how ill it had made me. Twisting the truth a little I said that I didn't want to put down anything pregnancy-related on the sick-leave until we were absolutely sure about what we were going to do about it, James was after all a very well-known person in Britain as well as abroad, and if it got out it would've been very problematic. My boss nodded good-heartedly and confessed that she'd had her suspicions, she had after all worked in this field for 30 odd years and have come to develop a 6^th sense when it came to pregnancies. Patting my arm she told me not to worry or stress about coming back to work, to take all the time I needed and do what was right for me. Whenever I wanted to come back to work, I was more than welcome to, as long as my health was good and the baby was safe.

Even more relief washed over me when Beatrice could tell me that my blood pressure was fine. She took a few bloodtests, prodded my tummy and did a quick pelvic exam before taking out a little device that looked like a portable audio recorder.

«Doppler,» she smiled, spotting my nervous look. Despite working in a prematurity ward, I realised I knew very little about anything on this side of giving birth, I never had anything to do with pregnant women, I only met babies after they were born. Beatrice unceremoniously squirted some ultrasound gel on my skin and with a trained hand she placed the little probe on my stomach. Immediately I heard the heartbeat, so much quicker than my own, but steadfast and strong. Beatrice smiled widely. «All sounds well,» she said simply, turning the doppler off and handing me a few tissues so I could clean myself off. I blinked a little to myself, trying to come to grips with what I had just heard. My baby. My babys heart. Beating. The doctor went back to her desk, waiting while I got up from the examination table and got my clothes in order.

«I'll hopefully have the results of the blood tests later today. I'll call you anyway, whether they're good or not, you shouldn't have to worry about anything you don't need to right now. From what I heard you've done far enough of that already,» she said with an understanding smile. I nodded and shrugged a little, thanking her. «I want you to use your last week of sick leave even if your nausea has almost gone, you're still marked by the rough month you've just been through. Stay at home, relax, eat lots, you need to get your strength back up before you return to work. Then, if you feel up for it, you can go back to work, but give yourself an easy start, don't rush into it head first, okay?» More duteous nodding from me. «I'll see you and your James here in exactly one month. And if you have any questions or worries in the meantime, call me whenever you want.» Leaving Beatrices office I felt much lighter, like I could float away any minute. Beatrices manner had made me calmer and cautiously hopeful; she was warm, calm and sensible, and I immediately trusted her and wanted to take her advice. She had said everything was well, and for some reason I believed her, I wanted to believe that everything would be okay, not just with the baby, but with me and James as well. Returning home I sent James a text like I had promised. 'Home safe and sound. miss you.' I spent the rest of the day unpacking my huge suitcase, putting my things back into closets and drawers. Mentally I was also unpacking, in a way, trying to 'land' back in this house, in this city, back in my own life and in James'. It felt like my entire existence had been on hold for the last month, an existence in which I had never looked forwards. I'd had more than enough with just getting through the day, thinking about the next one had been far too exhausting and frightening. Around the time James had estimated he might be home, he sent me a text. 'This meeting is taking forever. They're not even letting me out to call you! I'll be late, three more hours maybe. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I love you.' I felt almost sorry for him, the way he put it made it sound like he was being held captive and tortured, which was probably what he felt like. Writing back to him I tried to reassure him that it was okay, that I understood and wasn't mad, knowing that James was extra worried about upsetting me in any way right now.

Having nearly forgotten about the laundry I went to take it out and put on a new load. I'd turned on the radio to keep me entertain while I hanged up laundry to dry, and the music mixed with the washing machine drowned out the sounds of James coming home. When I heard his voice calling my name behind me I was completely unprepared for it and it scared the life out of me. Screaming loudly I nearly jumped out of my skin and balled up my fists, clutching a pair of knickers.

«James! Jesus! For gods sake!» I shouted.

«Sorry, sorry I didn't mean to scare you, I tried to call out, you didn't hear, I'm sorry!» James rambled, raising his arms in the air in a disarming gesture, looking desperately sorry. He quickly turned down the radio a little then wrapped his arms around me. «Really, I tried not to scare you.» He spoke softly, running his hand over my hair. Still feeling my heart hammering in my chest I clung to him for comfort, drawing a deep breath to try and calm my nerves.

«I'm usually not this jumpy, I was just... lost in my own thoughts. Sorry for screaming.» I muttered.

«Emily, were you going to kill me with your knickers?» James said, wanting to break the tension, and I giggled.

«You never know, these things are deadly!» I said as I pulled away from him, waving the knickers in front of him. James laughed and helped me hang up the last of the wet clothes. He looked a little harassed and tired. When the laundry was up I trailed after him into the livingroom and sank down on the sofa next to him. Wrapping an arm around his shoulder I ran my fingers through his hair.

«Want me to make you a cup of tea? You look exhausted, sweetheart,» I said mildly.

«No, no, just... sit here with me.» James turned to face me, then took me in his arms in a long, tight embrace, as if he hadn't seen me for weeks. His hands caressed my back and he buried his face in my hair. «I'm so sorry for getting stuck in that meeting, for being this late... I wanted to be with you.»

«It's okay. These things happen, we both know that. I actually got a lot of things done today. Don't worry, it's fine.»

«But I... I don't want to spend my time in meetings, I wanted to spend it with you. We had over a month apart, I want to catch up on some of that...» he sulked, still hugging me tightly.

«I know, I know.. I'm not going back to work until next week, so I'll be home a lot and we can make the most out of the time when we're both at home,» I smiled, pulling back a little from him. He nodded sadly and rested back against the sofa, pulling me with him. Resting my head on his shoulder I sighed, happy to be back with James. «Are you hungry? Did they at least feed you at that meeting?»

«Yeah, we ordered in. Did you eat, though?» He asked, looking intently down at me.

«Yes, I did, since you were going to be late I figured I'd sort dinner myself.»

«Good.»

«I went by the ward when I went to the hospital today. Saw my boss, told her about the real reason for my sick leave. Well, not all of it, but the pregnancy bit anyway. She said she'd already suspected. She was great about it, understanding and supportive, told me to take my time and that I was welcome back when I was fit for it.»

«That's great! How could she have suspected anything, though?»

«God knows. Nurses working with maternity and babies they just... grow some supernatural sense when it comes to that sort of thing, I don't know if they can smell it on you or... something. 'Ooh, this female has procreated and is with child', its kind of eerie really.»

«That is unsettling,» James chortled. «And what did the obstetrician say?»

«You know, I really liked her. Thoughtful, intelligent, warm... And she seems to really know her stuff.»

«Okay, also good. But what did she say?» He asked again, a little impatient now.

«My blood pressure was good. She also called me around four and said my blood tests had come back, they were also good, hemoglobin has gone down a little since Norway but that was just to be expected. As long as I take iron supplements it'll be fine.»

«That's a relief. I'm glad to hear that,» James sighed, squeezing my a little.

«She told me to use my last week of sick leave, just to gather my strength a little. Then I could go back to work, but maybe not full time in the beginning. You know, ease back into things.»

«That sounds sensible. I like this doctor,» James announced. «Especially if you'll actually listen to her,» he added sarcastically.

«You know what I also happened at the doctors today?» I asked with a secretive smile.

«No idea.»

«I heard the baby's heartbeat.» Grinning from ear to ear I looked up at James, who stared at back at me in stunned silence for a while.

«You did?»

«Yeah, she used a doppler, I didn't see it or anythying, it was just the sound.»

«Wow, that must've been... very special. I'm sorry I missed that...» he said, his shoulders sagging a little. Seeing his sad, regretful expression I wanted to comfort him, I didn't want him to feel left out or like his work had prevented him from taking part in what was going on.

«Oh, sweetheart... I didn't know she was going to do that. It was just a few seconds. I've made an appointment for an ultrasound in about a month. I was hoping you wanted to come with me? I checked your calendar, you'll be home.»

«Of course I'll come with you,» he said, sounding a little exasperated at the stupid question.

«Good. You'll hear the baby then. And see it!» I smiled, resting my head on his shoulder and hugging him. «You know, this is all still very... surreal to me, James. I'm not sure I've really understood what is going on. Even hearing the heartbeats didn't change that.»

«I'm glad you said that, because I feel that too, I'm still in a bit of shock,» James said honestly.

«We'll just have to give it time. Adjust to the idea? Unless you're having second thoughts...?» I asked, suddenly feeling insecure and scared. What if he did change his mind? This was probably the biggest decision in our lives, and I couldn't quite shake the idea that I had somehow forced him into this.

«What? No! Of course I'm not!» James pulled back to look at me. «I've been thinking about this baby all day, and about you. I'm sure I have no idea what went on at that meeting. I'll admit, the thought of becoming a dad still scares the life out of me, but it's a good kind of scare. I think. I've been thinking about all the things I'm looking forward to. And all the things I'm not looking forward to. Just.. trying to picture how this will change our lives.»

«So you're already looking forward to things?» I asked, unable to hide that I was a little surprised at this.

«Yeah... shouldn't I be? It's not like you dragged me kicking and screaming into this, Emily,» James reminded me. «I want this too, you know.» I smiled a little, comforted and reassured to know that James was having the same thoughts as I had.

«I know, I just... thought for a long time that you would never want to,» I sighed. «Tell me about those things? What you look forward to. And the things you dread,» I asked, still resting on his shoulder, caressing his chest through his shirt.

«Hmm...» James hummed, absent-mindedly caressing my upper arm while he thought. «I look forward to seeing it, if it' a boy or a girl, who it'll take after.... Most of all I'm looking forward to seeing the baby grow and learn things, watch it develop into a person with thoughts and opinions all of its own.»

«At the ultrasound, do we want to know if its a boy or a girl?» I asked, looking up at him.

«Where's the excitement in that?» James asked with a smirk.

«Okay, so we don't want to know.»

«You don't agree?»

«Yes, I do! It just makes decorating a room for it a little harder!» I laughed.

«I never would've agreed on baby blue or pink anyway,» James mumbled.

«And I never would have suggested it! But no, I don't want to know either. I want to wonder and guess and make others guess, too. So, what are the things you're not looking forward to?»

«Having to get up at all hours of the night. Or when it's screaming bloody murder and nothing we do or try calms it down. What if it gets really sick or has colic or.. something. I remember one of my nephews had colic...» James shuddered as he relived the horrible memories. «And I don't look forward to not having you all to myself.»

«Wow. I thought you were going to say you were dreading having toys and crumbs riddled all through the house.» At this James froze and looked at me, eyes widening.

«I didn't even think of that,» he said in quiet horror.

«Having children is the perfect cure for obsessive-compulsive tendencies, James. There'll be toys scattered everywhere and porridge-stains on the carpet and congealed banana all over the kitchen table.»

«Jezza and Richard have always complained about the excrutiating torture of treading on toys, especially legos, but I never thought I would go through that myself...»

«Pff, you have more legos than their kids ever had,» I scoffed, knowing about the boxes and boxes he had stashed around the house.

«But I don't leave them around on the floor!» He argued. «Anyway, I'm glad you're making me realise this now, I need a good six months to mentally prepare for that,» he said in a sombre tone. «But what about you?»

«Me? Well... much the same as you, really. I'm looking forward to seeing it for the first time, holding it, all the cuddles. Seeing you hold it. Seeing it smile and hearing the first word. And I'm worried about the same things you are. Getting up at night, not being able to soothe it if its hysterical, teething period, sore nipples... What if it won't sleep at night? Or ever? What if all I do is wrong and I just can't hack it as a mum?»

«We're two grown adults against one little squirt, we should be able to win. We'll figure it out,» he said confidently. «Unless it's as stubborn as you, then we might be in over our heads,» he added and we both broke out laughing.

«By the way, I stopped by Waterstones on the way home,» I said, suddenly remembering. Getting out of the sofa I retrieved a bag from a chair. «I got you some books.»

«Some..?!» James took the small pile of books out of my hand with a look of trepidation and sceptiscism in his eyes. I could imagine what he was fearing; vivid illustrations of things he really didn't want illustrated, and lots of touchy-feely mushy literature he could do without.

«All right, I went a little overboard. But you fathers-to-be have much more interesting books than us!» I argued. The first one was titled 'She's Having a Baby—and I'm Having a Breakdown: What Every Man Needs to Know—and Do—When the Woman He Loves Is Pregnant'. As he read this title James guffawed with laughter.

«I'm not sure I've ever read a more apt book title. That sounds like exactly what I need,» he chortled, then turned over to the next book in the pile.

«About this one, I know I'm not your wife, but I couldn't resist.» James saw the title and giggled again, shaking his head in amazement. 'What to Expect When Your Wife Is Expanding: A Reassuring Month-by-Month Guide for the Father-to-Be, Whether He Wants Advice or Not'. «See, you guys have much better books than us,» I persisted. The next book was entitled 'Don't Just Stand There: How to Be Helpful, Clued-In, Supportive, Engaged, Meaningful, and Relevant in the Delivery Room'.

«Good. Useful,» he nodded resolutely when his giggles had subsided.

«Now, these next ones, I think they both had to be made for you,» I laughed as James turned over to the next one. The book 'Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads' was illustrated with paintings and drawings that looked like those from children's books and advertisements in the 50s and 60s. The retro look and the humour in it made it perfect for James. He opened the book and quickly read through a page, snorting through his nose as he read. Turning to the last one he shook his head, giggling again. 'The Baby Owner's Manual: Operating Instructions, Trouble-Shooting Tips, and Advice on First-Year Maintenance'.

«I know you're one of the few men on this planet who actually reads the manual,» I observed as he flicked through the book. I took it from him and opened to the first page, reading aloud. 'Congratulations on the arrival of your new baby. This baby is surprisingly similar to other appliances you may own. Like a personal computer, for instance, the baby will require a source of power to execute her many complicated tasks and functions. Like an inkjet printer, the baby's head will require frequent cleanings to for optimum performance. And like an automobile, the baby may expel unpleasant odours into the atmosphere.' James chuckled as I read, nodding understandingly.

«That all sounds perfectly reasonable to me,» he giggled, taking the book from me and placing it on top of the pile next to him on the sofa.

«I'll admit, I went a little crazy...» I admitted again, looking at the stack of books. «The lady at Waterstones thought so too, judging by the look she gave me.»

«No, no, you did good,» James said with a smile, kissing me quickly. «I actually want to read these. If I do, maybe I won't be so utterly useless,» he added with self-irony.

«James... Everyone is useless at this the first time. Some people never stop being useless. All we can do is read about it, prepare ourselves as best we can and we'll learn along the way. Like you said, we'll figure it out.» At this James didn't say anything, he just squeezed me tighter and hummed his agreement, sounding pensive.

(PS - all the book titles in this chapter are dead real. Go google them, have a giggle :)