Chapter 28

After James had gone for work I went back to bed, taking my laptop with me and I started searching for jobs, writing up a resume and applications. In the end I applied for just about anything, temp jobs, part time, full time, and in about every ward imaginable in the greater London area. The most interesting job I found was at nearby Queen Charlotte and Chelsea hospital, at a prematurity clinic. I had always wanted to work with premature babies in a neonatal intensive care unit so I made an extra effort and went to the hospital with my application the very same day. I knew my chances of getting it weren't great, I had very little experience in working with infants except for the few cases I had in Syria. I had no specialist training or education in the field either, but I had considered specialising as a paediatric nurse just to work in that kind of unit. In any case trying for it couldn't hurt, I figured.

The first few days of unemployment was enjoyable, I relished being able to sleep in and not have any set plans. Usually I got up with James and sorted breakfast then curled up on the sofa with Fusker to search for jobs or watch TV. But I quickly grew restless and the days grew long and boring. James was working with Top Gear, preparing for the new season that was going to start airing in May. And he had his writing. Meanwhile I kept endlessly surfing the employment ads, mailing applications or calling hospitals. Needing to get out of the house I went for lunch with Cathy, filling her in on all the drama that had been going on in my life lately and she listened in wide-eyed fascination. She was a little hurt that I hadn't told her any of it before. I admitted that I wished I had come to her with it, because dealing with it on my own had come very close to breaking me, even closer than I had been aware of. From where I was now, with James back in my life, it was easier to see how dark my mind had been without him. At the time I had felt like I was coping with it in some way, but what I had really been doing was running away, shutting it out.

As bored as I was, the week still sped past. James and I decided to spend Saturday night just being with each other and enjoy ourselves. All those weeks we had spent apart, and the reasons for it, were still fresh in our minds and we both wanted to focus on each other and rebuild our relationship. We decided to make food together, drinking copious amounts of wine while we did. Cooking had always been something I found incredibly tedious, mainly because it was very boring to cook for just one person. But with James I liked it, it was fun and cozy. The wine probably helped. After dinner I turned on some music and sat down in the corner of the sofa. James sat down next to me and he pulled my legs into his lap. For a while we sat in silence, just listening to music. I fiddled absentmindedly with the stem of my glass while I listened, thinking. James' eyes had been closed for a long time.

«James? You asleep or just having a bliss-out?» I said, gently prodding his tummy with my knee, worried he was going to spill his wine if he actually was nodding off. He opened his eyes and blinked at me.

«Hm, what? Bliss-out? What the hell is a bliss-out?» He pronounced the word as if it was something completely foreign to him.

«You know, when you're just... overcome with bliss and serenity.»

«Ah. Guess I was having a «bliss out» then,» he said, sarcastically drawing quotation marks around the term with his fingers.

«So, how has your first week of me living in your house been? Should I start surfing for a new flat as well as a new job?» I asked. The question had been on my mind all week. What did he really think of suddenly having someone living with him?

«I wish I'd known a week ago just how loudly you are capable of snoring,» he said with a sad shrug.

«Hey!» I squawked, pretending to be offended. He chuckled a little and caressed my knee and thigh lovingly.

«This week has been... great. I like knowing you're waiting for me when I come home from work.» I gave him a little frown, and he realised what he had just said. «Oh god, that came out all wrong,» he said hurriedly. «I just meant... It's amazing, having you to come home to. I love being able to fall asleep next to you every night.»

«So you don't miss having... personal space? Time on your own?» I asked tentatively.

«Well, the good thing is that we have about the same need for personal space. We can be in the same room, do completely different things and not feel like we have to talk to each other or be joined at the hip. I still have whatever personal space I need, but this is nicer because I'm not so... lonely.» What James was saying made me happy, I had been worried that me being in the house all the time would make him feel like he was being smothered. Often when James played piano, was reading or if he went into his garage I let him be, respecting his need for some time on his own. And it gave me time to do the same.

«Good,» I smiled.

«How has your first week living with me been, then? Desperate to find a new flat?» He asked in return. His insecurity shone through him and I wanted to just wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.

«It's been a very good one,» I said simply. «So no, no plans to find a flat,» I added. «But we need to sort out some sort of rent or something, I can't just live here for free.»

«No, Emily, you don't have to--» James began, shaking his head.

«Oh come off it. It wouldn't feel right, living here and not pay for anything, I'd feel like I was just... freeloading.»

«Emily, the mortgage on this house is already paid off. In case you haven't noticed, I've done quite well on the economical front. You paying me rent would be just... pointless.»

«Okay, but even if your mortgage is paid off you still have fixed expenses each month? Electricity, water, gas, internet provider, all that stuff,» I maintained stubbornly. He sighed, knowing I wouldn't let up on this.

«All right, fine, we'll split the ongoing expenses. But that's it!» He pointed sternly at me, obviously not accepting any more buts. «Just take the money you would use for rent and... I don't know, pay off your student loan or something. Do something sensible with them,» he waved airily.

«No, I'm going to spend it all on caviar, champagne and strippers.» I rolled my eyes at him and he laughed loudly.

«So, are we agreed on this?» James said when he was done laughing.

«Yeah all right,» I nodded, accepting the compromise. He said nothing, he just smiled as he took my nearly empty glass from me and set it on the table next to his own. «Is there room for me too?» I nodded and stretched my arms out towards him. He laid down on his side next to me, the sofa was really too narrow for both of us. The kiss he gave me was unhurried and loving. When we broke apart he looked at me, and after a moment's silence he raised an inquisitive eyebrow. «Just out of curiosity; male or female strippers?»

«Definitely not males ones. Male strippers often remind me of those genetically modified cows, you know? Just... lumbering, unnatural mountains of bulging meat, it's disgusting!» I said with a grimace. James burst out laughing his characteristic duck-laughter. Then he made a face of disgust and nodded his agreement. «Female ones can be sexy, though, if they have a bit of class. Like.. burlesque strippers. Dita von Teese kind of thing...» I mused, thinking out loud. When I returned to reality James stared at me with wide eyes.

«I have to get you drunk on tequila sometime...» he breathed.

«You know, boyfriends can get stripteases without there being any tequila involved whatsoever...» I said with a smirk. His eyes lit up with hopeful anticipation. «But I strongly recommend tequila. If I try to dance sober I'm as graceful as a camel on heels. When I'm drunk I at least think I can dance.»

«The last time I danced with you I thought you were very graceful,» he said with a dreamy smile, thinking back to the Top Gear Christmas party.

«That was a slightly different kind of dancing,» I reminded him.

«You looked absolutely breathtaking that night.» His eyes glittered as he looked at me. I fidgeted nervously and avoided his gaze, feeling myself growing hot around the ears. James took my face in his hand, forcing me to look at him. «You really don't do well with compliments, do you?»

«Mmno, I guess I don't... I never have,» I shrugged.

«I'll never forget how you looked that night. I could barely keep up a conversation with anyone because I couldn't stop staring at you. You are always beautiful, though. I wish I could make you understand just how beautiful I think you are.» An incredibly endearing shyness came over him as he admitted to this. For once I tried to just let the compliment sink in and take it to heart.

«Thank you...» I smiled, running a hand over his cheek. «You know, that Christmas party... I was so nervous... I was constantly blushing around you. You must've noticed?»

«Nervous? Why?» He frowned a little.

«Because I was so... bloody attracted to you. You were incredibly handsome that night. And sexy...» I added.

«Sexy?!» James guffawed, then shook his head. «There isn't a sexy thing on me, Emily, I'm just... old.»

«Now who is rubbish at taking compliments? And by the way - that's bollocks!» I retorted. «There are lots of sexy things about you.»

«Like?» He raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

«Your eyes are sexy. Intense, blue eyes. That piercing look you give me sometimes make me weak at the knees. And your hair...» I continued, running my fingers through it. «I've always liked long-haired blokes. And you have a sexy bum.»

«My... bum?!» He squawked.

«Mhm! It's.. perky.» I bit my lip innocently at him and he chuckled a little, shaking his head exasperatedly at me. «Oh, and your hands...» I took his hand in mine, caressing it, playing with his fingers. «I love your hands and sexy arms. Strong, manly, beautiful hands. And so very sexy. You fix things with them, get them all dirty, build things. But still you can touch me in the most... delicate way. I love having your hands on me.»

«Like.. this?» James said, running his fingertips gently down the side of my neck, over my collarbone and my chest. I hummed in appreciation and closed my eyes.

«Exactly like that...» I sighed happily. «I'm so completely and totally head over heels for you, James,» I breathed, feeling myself blush a little at this confession. It wasn't like I hadn't told him that before, how crazy I was about him. We needed to say things like these to each other all over again because we were still mending things, rebuilding trust and finding back to each other. And over the past week I found myself falling in love with him all over again.

«The feeling is mutual..» He said quietly and I shivered as he kissed me. His lips trailed across my cheek to my neck and I invited him by raising my chin for him.

«James?» I said softly.

«Mm?» He hummed against my neck.

«Can we go upstairs and have hot, passionate, sweaty, mindblowing sex now?» I asked impatiently but in my most innocent voice. James froze mid-kiss, then he looked up at me.

«Oh, so no pressure then?» He exclaimed, but he was trying to hide a smile.

«If it helps take the pressure off we can just go upstairs so I can show you my new underwear..?» I said with a mischievous little smirk.

«New underwear?» James said, raising an eyebrow.

«Mm, got bored, so I went shopping.» I saw the childish excitement in his eyes. Then he tried to compose himself.

«I guess I could.. take a look» he said nonchalantly and shrugged in an off-hand sort of way. I nibbled teasingly at his bottom lip, got out of the sofa pulling him after me and dragged him upstairs. He followed quite willingly. We barely made it to the bedroom before James started tugging feverishly at my clothes.

«Nu-uh,» I said forbiddingly, taking hold of his wrists to stop him and pushed his arms away from me. With his arms still in a firm grip I leaned towards him, hovering over his mouth. «I decide when you get to see anything...»

«Oh no,» he said firmly and wrenched his wrists easily out of my grasp. James was taller than me, and a lot stronger. If he really wanted to free himself there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop him. His free hands went to the hem of my shirt and he slowly began pulling it upwards. «You asked me up here to see your underwear,» he hissed slightly menacing voice. «So that is what I'm going to do.» I swallowed hard and nodded weakly, obediently raising my arms in the air so he could pull the shirt off. His eyes immediately fell to my new bra. It was mostly made out of a very sheer fabric in a dark petrol blue. The cups were decorated with embroidered lace flowers in purples and yellows, almost looking like a flowery pattern from one of James' shirts. The flowers were cute and pretty, but the sheerness of the fabric made it sexy. The dark circles of my nipples were visible through it. As James studied my bra I studied his face, giggling a little at him. He reminded me of an excited, little boy unwrapping a present. He licked his lips before he spoke.

«I love that colour,» he told my breasts.

«I'm up here, love,» I chuckled. His eyes shot upwards and he blushed a little. I folded my hands behind my back and swung my shoulders from side to side a little in a coy little jiggle. «So you like it?» I asked innocently, biting my lip. James just hummed appreciatively, words apparently beyond him, and he ran a fingertip lightly over my nipple. The fabric covering it made his touch feel different, rougher somehow, but I liked it and my nipple hardened under his touch.

«I have to see the rest of it,» he said huskily, grabbed my arm and walked backwards towards his bed, eyes still fixed on me. As his legs made contact with the bed he sat down and pulled me close. Lovingly he ran his palms over my thighs, hips and bum, smiling. With quiet determination he undid the button on my jeans and slowly pulled down the zipper while I caressed the back of his neck. To my surprise he didn't yank the jeans down, but only opened them a little, getting his first peek at the other half of my new underwear. I knew he was pacing himself, not wanting to rush. Focused and excited he studied every single detail of me, and of my new underwear. The attention made me feel flattered, wanted, but it also made me a little shy. The panties were made in the same blueish green, sheer material and the top half of it was decorated in the same floral embroidery. Slowly, almost reverentially he pulled my jeans down, holding his breath. When they hit the floor I stepped out of them and kicked them aside, supporting myself on his shoulders. James swallowed hard, trying to find his voice. «Turn around...» He commanded. I did as he said and took a few steps back, then twirled around on the spot a few times, feeling a little self-conscious. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wished I had downed a few tequilas. James had seen me naked more times than I could count, and seen me in my underwear even more. And I had never felt uncomfortable around him, we were very safe with each other. But I wasn't used to this, to trying to put on a show, to consciously and deliberately be «sexy». Looking over at James I could see that his mouth was half-open as he stared me up and down. Having finished my pirouettes I returned to James, feeling safer in his arms. He looked up at me about to say something, but his voice failed him. He cleared his throat and tried agian.

«You look...» He hesitated, searching for the right words.

«Yes?» I urged him, biting my lip again. James had told me many times that he thought I was beautiful, but my self-consciousness and insecurities had been with me since before I hit my teens and they were deeply rooted in me.

«Like a perfect, little pixie,» James said with a playful little smirk.

«Pixie?» I snorted, burying my fingers in his hair.

«Mhm. You're a gorgeous, sumptuous, amazingly sexy, perfect little pixie. With an absolutely perfect pixie arse,» he added, slipping his palms up the back of my thighs and taking my bum in a firm grasp. With my hands knotted around the back of his neck I threw my head back and laughed.

«Perfect pixie arse,» I repeated, tasting the words. «Now there's a sentence I didn't expect to hear from James May.» James pulled me down into his lap, making me straddle him.

«I mean it, though,» he said seriously.

«About the perfect pixie arse?» I chortled, liking the phrase.

«About everything. To me you are absolutley stunning, Emily. And not because you have put on pretty underwear or because parts of you looks this way or that way. I think you are stunning because you are you. And I'm totally mad for you.»

«Thank you,» I breathed, blushing furiously. I gave him a quick kiss, then began unbuttoning his shirt. «I think it's your turn to take your clothes off, now.»

«But I don't have any sexy underwear on...» James said apologetically.

«I should hope not!» I exclaimed. «I swear, James, if you ever put on lace panties I will take photos of it and sell them to the Sun. The only underwear that can look sexy on men is normal boxers,» I said firmly.

«Lucky for me I have boxers on, then,» he said with a smile just as I slid his shirt off his arms. I returned the smile and pulled his t-shirt off, throwing it to the side. Then I got up and bent down low over James, kissing him deeply as I opened his belt and undid his jeans. He hummed against my lips and leaned back a little, giving me better access to his jeans. When I had opened them I quickly slipped my hand inside his jeans and rubbed my palm against his cock through his boxers, wanting to coax him into life. I was surprised to feel that he was already hard. Had just the sight of me in my new underwear been enough to do that? He gave a moan and squirmed a little while he kept kissing me, pulling his jeans down and kicking them off. Then he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into bed. I shivered as I felt his warm, soft skin make contact with my own. His hand ran slowly down the length of my back, over my bum and my thigh, draping my leg over his hip, wanting to be closer. We were kissing all the while, tender and slow. I wasn't in a rush for sex, I was quite happy to just kiss and be kissed, to touch and be touched in return. When James broke the kiss he looked at me for a long while, his hand absentmindedly caressing my bum and hip. «I wanted to ask you something.» He looked almost embarrased when he began talking.

«What?» I asked mildly, running my hand over his chest and stomach.

«Do you have any.. fantasies?»

«Fantasies?» I repeated. «Like, sexual ones?»

«Yeah. I mean, I just... Want to know what you fantasize about. Maybe I'd even be able to fulfill some of them... I would like that, to be able to fulfill your fantasies, give you what you want.»

«You do give me what I want.»

«You know what I mean,» James pushed on.

«Hmm...» I said with a secretive little smirk, thinking while I still caressed his chest and stomach. What were my fantasies? What turned me on? «To be blindfolded. I imagine being deprived of one of my senses changes everything, heightens the other senses. I'd like to just be blindfolded and taken control over. Maybe even tied up, constricted in some way. Nothing mean or.. painful or anything, just.. Forceful.»

«That would be interesting...» James agreed. Then he fell silent again, wanting me to go on if I had any other fantasies I wanted to share. His hands travelled over my body, running his fingertips lightly down my back or his palm over my stomach.

«I'd like to be taken hard and fast on your kitchen counter but we've already done that one,» I continued and we both chuckled a little. «And I've thought about surprising you, waiting for you one day you get home wearing your leather bike jacket and nothing else, for instance...»

«Oh god, please do that...» He moaned.

«And I've thought about buying this chocolate paint, thought that might be a fun thing to mess around with.»

«Chocolate paint?» James eyes widened.

«Mhm. It's... body paint, liquid chocolate. Comes with a brush. Paint it on, kiss it off. Or lick it off, or suck it off...» My fingers ran playfully over his nipple as I explained.

«I love chocolate...» James said huskily, enjoying his own mental images.

«What about you, then?» I said, pinching his nipple lightly to bring him back to earth.

«Hm?»

«What about your fantasies?»

«Oh... Well, I like the blindfold idea, I wouldn't mind that. Or being tied up. I think. I guess I'm a bit of a control freak, in all aspects of my life. It would be interesting to just.. be forced to give it up sometime.»

«I can do that...» I said in a breathy voice. I ran a hand down his chest and stomach, then slipped it into his boxers, playing with his pubic hair but not touching him.

«As cheap as it sounds, I've always wanted to shag you in my Ferrari,» he continued. «Or on it. The last time we were in that car it was early January and a bit cold... But the thought was constantly on my mind.» It was my turn to keep quiet, wanting him to continue. While I waited I kept playing with his pubic hair, running my fingers over the skin around his cock but still not touching it. I could tell it was distracting him, frustrating him.

«And I've thought about getting one of those little... toys, those little vibrating ones? I'd want to try it on you, play with it, figure out what you liked...» I was more and more turned on as James talked, feeling myself becoming wet. The thought of James using a toy on me was a turn-on I hadn't even been aware of having. Aroused by my own fantasies, and by James', I was unable to stop myself from touching James' cock, wrapping my fingers gently around it. He gave a low groan of delight. I moved in closer and trailed my mouth over his neck and collarbone, tasting his skin. My hand had been pumping him slowly, and now he pushed himself impatiently against my hand, wanting more friction.

«I want you.. so... much...» I murmured between kisses. Suddenly I felt myself being pushed onto my back. Forcefully James parted my legs a little and sat on his knees between them. He ran his hand down my chest, between my breasts and down my stomach.

«That is very sexy...» he said, running his fingertip over the fabric covering my pussy. «The way I can see you through the fabric. But not enough of you...» He rubbed his finger against my clit, feeling the wetness and heat that was seeping through the fabric.

«Take them off, then...» I breathed, squirming against his hand. The sheer fabric dulled the feeling of his finger against my clit and I wanted more. Not being hard to ask, James immediately pulled my knickers off, then took off his own boxers. He came to rest on top of me, his warm, throbbing cock pressed between us, pinned against my pussy. I shivered as his skin made contact with mine again. Knowing how much he loved it I ran my palms firmly down the length of his back and took his bum in a firm grip, grinding up against him, teasing him. He huffed and moaned before taking my lips in a wet and needy kiss. James started to rock his hips, meeting my movements and rubbing up against me. His hard, warm cock was rubbing perfectly against my clit and the sensation made me moan into his mouth. We were just teasing each other now, working each other into a frenzy of lust and arousal, building up our anticipation. I lost myself in the feeling of being naked with him, of having his naked body press down on mine. The movements of our hips had become faster and faster, and my hands were digging ever harder into James' bum, desperate for more friction. But it wasn't enough, at this point all I wanted was to have him inside me. James reached the same conclusion and slowed down to guide himself inside me. Feeling him slide inside me made me groan with relief. I wrapped one leg around his hip, using my leg on his bum to press him against me, inside me. He moved slowly, pushing all the way into me and then resting there for a moment. We rarely took our time to do this, to take it slow and really feel how amazing it was to be connected like this. Most times we were just too impatient, too turned on, too intent on pushing each other to orgasm. I liked those intense, frantic fucks, they were all-consuming and made everything feel like it was on fire. But this felt more like intimacy, not just on a physical level but an emotional one as well. Closeness, in every sense of the word. James moved his hips back, sliding out of me, and I immediately missed the feeling of him filling me up. We stared into each others eyes as his face hovered over mine, our noses almost touching.

«God, I love how this feels...» He said with a moan as he pushed slowly into me again.

«Me too,» I whinced. «I love feeling you inside me.» James pushed a little harder into me as he kissed me hungrily, sucking on my bottom lip. I encouraged him by raising my hips up to meet his thrusts. Breaking our kiss I brushed James' hair out of the way and buried my face against James' neck, kissing and licking the skin below his ear. Knowing he liked it I took his earlobe in my mouth and sucked on it, then bit it gently, breathing heavily. James moaned in response and thrust harder into me. Then he slipped his arms under me, taking hold of me and I felt myself being flipped over and suddenly found myself on top. I looked down at him a little surprised, panting. «Hello.»

«Hello,» he smiled, his hands resting on my hips. I cupped his face in my hand, caressing his cheek. His hands gripped my hips a little tighter, willing me to start moving. Not being hard to ask I began rocking my hips slowly. The change in angle caused for a slightly different feeling, but it felt just as good as before. I sank down on him and stayed there, just grinding my hips against him and he groaned, wrapping his arms around my waist. «God, you're good at that!» He huffed, raising his hips up to meet me. Tired of leaning on one arm I rested against him and slipped an arm under his neck, holding him tight. I kept moving my hips in an steady, slow pace, enjoying this chance to take our time and feel how the pleasure was gradually building up. Every cell in me screamed at me to move faster, wanting me to chase the climax, but I refused to cave in to it. James arms was still wrapped around my waist, and I could tell that he too was trying to pace himself and hold back. We huffed and moaned in each others ears, the noises we made egging us on just as much as everything else. Being able to make James groan and moan was a nice ego-boost, but it was also a turn-on, I just wanted to give him more, make him be louder. I felt how James sometimes sucked or licked my skin, breathing heavy against it. Unable to stop myself I increased the speed of my movements. James was equally impatient and began raising his hips sharply up to meet my thrusts. The change in pace increased the pleasure enough to drive anything but my will to have an orgasm out of my mind. Then I heard James' loud moans, making me more focused on his climax than my own. I raised myself up on my arms, supporting myself with my hands on James' chest. The change in position meant that I could thrust down on James with more force and this resulted in even more noises from James. With every hard thrust my clit was rubbed delightfully against him. Looking down at him I could see that James' eyes was shut tight in pleasure and his mouth was slightly open, his hair a sweaty, bushy mess and his face was flushed. «Oh go-- Emily, faster, please!» He begged and gritted his teeth. Wanting nothing more than to give him what he wanted I moved my hips faster, closing my own eyes to focus more on what I was doing. James' hands were digging into my bum, pushing me against himself, controlling the pace. To my surprise I suddenly realised that I was close to coming, and that I was completely unable to stop it. Just as the sex had been slower and lasted longer than usual, my orgasm mirrored that. It rose inside me like I was feeling it in slow motion. I was far more used to it peaking almost instantly and be over just as quickly, but this orgasm was different. When it finally peaked I shook and trembled as I gave a long moan. This wasn't so intense and powerful, often it felt almost painful and thought I would explode. But this, this was a perfect state of orgasmic bliss that just seemed to last a lifetime. Why couldn't all orgasms be like this? I had tried to keep moving against James as I shook and trembled through my orgasm. With one last, sharp thrust James came too, and I swore I could feel him come inside me. I kept riding him, milking his orgasm as best I could. Eventually I slowed down and came to a stop, James still inside me. His hands trailed slowly over my back and his lips lazily kissed the side of my neck. «That sounded like a long one...» he said quietly in my ear, his voice was low and sexy.

«I'm not sure it's over yet...» I mumbled weakly against his skin and he chortled. «Seems like slow has its advantages,» I added, lifting my head to look at him.

«And I'm the Captain,» James smirked and we both broke out laughing. Still giggling I sank down next to James, resting my head on his shoulder.

«Listen, I hope what I said earlier didn't make you feel any pressure, I didn't mean it like that.» I ran my hand up and down James' arm as I spoke. «I only said it because sex with you always feels that way, it's always been amazing.» James turned his head sideways and his lip found mine.

«Mno, no pressure,» he said, smiling against my lips, then he pulled back to look at me. «I used to feel pressure, maybe because I was insecure about myself or whatever relationship I was in. Or maybe because who I was with, we weren't sexually... right for each other. With you, I never felt that pressure. I... I don't have to think when I'm with you, I don't over-analyze things. I can let go, do whatever comes naturally, enjoy what is going on, just.. feel, and be. We're right for each other.»

«We are,» I agreed, taking his lips in a long, deep kiss.