Chapter 16

The sensation of lips against mine woke me up, and I opened my eyes to look at James.

"Oh, I didn't mean to wake you up," he apologised. "I just couldn't resist. Sorry..."

"It's very, very okay..." I smiled sleepily and pulled him in for another kiss. "What time is it?"

"About 8," James said looking at his alarm clock. 

"We probably shouldn't sleep the evening away... We won't be able to sleep later."

"True. And I could really do with some food."

"Me too," I sighed and buried my face against his neck.

"Can we be bothered to make any?" he mused, pulling back a bit too look at me. We pulled the same frown of scepticism and dislike, and then we laughed. "I guess we can't. What do you fancy?"

"You," I said and giggled as James rolled his eyes at me. "Sorry, cheesy, I know. Hm, what do I want? Ooh, Indian! Light of Nepal!"

"Good idea."

"Are they open today, though? It's new year's day."

"We'll find out - if someone answers the phone when I ring them, it's highly likely they're open. I'll have to go pick it up, though, they don't do delivery."

"Aw, bummer. I can go get it, though, I don't mind?" I offered. James pushed me over on my back and came to rest on top of me, rubbing  his nose against mine. I enjoyed the closeness, his weight and warmth, I felt cocooned in James.

"Not happening. You've been cold enough lately. You stay here, keep warm," he said, quietly but firmly, then he kissed me.

"Mm, okay," I hummed and threw my arms around him, tangling my hands into his hair. He kissed me again, and then started rummaging around in bed.

"Emily? Any idea where my pants went?" I giggled like a little schoolgirl and helped him look, eventually finding them on the floor on the opposite side. I furtively looked at his bum as he got out of bed and pulled them on, liking what I saw. He found a t-shirt and a jumper in his closet and pulled on his jeans. Then he came over to the bed again, leaned down over me and gave me a long and tender kiss, as if we hadn't seen each other for weeks. "I'll go order. Know what you want?"

"You know that place better than me, you choose. Just not too hot, I'm a sissy." I was given another kiss and he got up. "I'll be down in a minute." When James had left I dragged myself out of the warm and comfortable bed and located my clothes which were strewn across the floor. When I came downstairs James was just hanging up the phone.

"Food will be ready in twenty minutes, I'm leaving in five."

While James was out for food I lugged my suitcase upstairs, rummaged through it and put on a pair of pyjama pants. Not sexy, unless James had a thing for baggy flannel pants with cars on them, but they were comfy. When James returned he found me lying on the sofa, Fusker sleeping on my stomach. We dug eagerly into the food, not having eaten much since Norway. Feeling relaxed and way too full we sank onto the sofa with a glass of wine each, James pulled my legs into his lap and I threw a blanket over both of us. Lazily he flicked through channels on the telly.

"This is infinitely better than loud, insane family dinners in my arctic country," I sighed happily, having a sip of my glass.

"Was your family okay with you leaving a bit earlier? I hope they didn't think I came over there and demanded that you came back to London with me."

"They were fine about it, actually. I think they know that even though I love them, I prefer to spend time with them in short, concentrated bursts. And they know I left because I wanted to be with you, away from them, they understood that. My sister thought what you did was very romantic."

"I was thinking it was a bloody daft thing to do, but romantic sounds better."

"It was romantic, and I am so glad you did it. It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." I smiled at him, and he caressed my foot, smiling back.

" Really? That's good. I'm glad you didn't turn around and socked me in the eye or something."

"I was too cold," I smirked. "Speaking of family, I should send them a text, let them know all is well." I fetched my phone from the table, quickly typed a message and sent it to my sister. A minute later I received a photo in return, of Jenny having fallen asleep in the strangest of places, draped over the armrest of the sofa with the security blanket tucked under her arm. I held the phone up to James, showing him the photo.

"Was that Jenny?"

"Yep, she must've just zonked out," I giggled.

"How is it even possible to sleep in that position?" He wondered, looking at the picture again.

"No idea," I shook my head, and then sighed sadly. "That's the worst bit about living far away from them. I miss the kids so much, and they grow and change so fast. And they forget me, and I become less important."

"That's not true, look at how Jenny reacted today. You're important to her?" He pointed out.

"I guess... I try to keep in touch with them, I talk to them on webcam in the weekends, they show me what they're doing in school or Jenny shows me something she's made in day-care. Or her latest bump or scrape. I worry about her," I admitted.

"Why? Isn't that only natural?"

"Jenny was born 8 weeks prematurely, she was... tiny, about 3 pounds 12 ounces. It was terrifying. But everything went so well, until they came home. She caught a respiratory virus and was on a ventilator for weeks."

"But she's fine now?" He prompted when I fell silent for a while.

"Yeah. Being born that prematurely can cause all sorts of health problems, but she's generally fine. Good with words, smart, cunning. She has asthma which acts up a lot of she gets sick, but other than that... Thankfully they have better meds for asthma now then when my mum was alive." James didn't say anything, just looked at me interestedly. He was such a good listener and I loved that about him.

"Do you want children?" James' question startled me, and I looked at him with a frown. "That question may have sounded a lot more serious than I meant it to," he chuckled, and I let out a laugh of relief.

"Um, I don't know, really," I said, turning serious. "The privilege about being an aunt is that I can do fun stuff with them and then hand them back to their parents whenever I want. I think it's impossible to imagine how it's like having to take care of a child twenty-four hours a day, and equally impossible to prepare for. I treasure my time, and I have a need for spending time on my own, probably more than other people. Frankly I'm not sure if I want to give away my life to a child. Does that sound incredibly selfish and callous?"

"No, not at all," James shook his head and patted my leg reassuringly. "Having children is a huge sacrifice, and not everyone is up for that. I wasn't. People I know who has had children... it changes their life so completely. For some it seems to come easy and naturally, but it doesn't for everyone. And it's always fucking hard work."

"I remember sitting at the kitchen table with a friend who was holding her six month old daughter. Both were crying and she said to me "I'm not even sure I like my own kid." She was so upset and exhausted, her daughter really was a handful. But she was honest. It got better and she's settled into her role as a mum now, but it took her a long time. I'm not sure I ever could have. I mean, having a dog was about as much work as I could be bothered with." A silence fell, and for a moment I was lost in my own thoughts. "In the end, I'm not even sure that is the real reason I probably don't want kids. It's more that I would be terrified of screwing them up."

"Screwing them up? How?" James raised an eyebrow at me.

"I don't know, there are a million ways you can fuck up a child, isn't there? Being overprotective, or not protective enough, by not supporting them, by projecting all my shit onto them.. Ruining them mentally. Plus, I'm scared to give them any of my family's wonderful little defects."
"What defects?" James sounded disbelieving.

"People in my family tends to have asthma, allergies, heart problems, anxiety, depressions, and.." I added, gesturing to all of me, "we tend to be vertically challenged." James laughed at that last one.

"Your child might not get any of that, Emily," he said comfortingly. "And being short isn't the worst thing in the world?"

"Says a man who has made a career out of making short-jokes about Hammond," I shot in.

"As I was about to say; as much as we take the piss out of Hammond for being a short-arse, I like short. Well, I like you short, you'd be all... wrong if you were tall."

"Good to know," I snorted. "I promise I won't grow taller." James' expression grew serious again.

"Frankly, I think that's a rubbish reason for not wanting to have kids. The fact that you're worried about screwing them up makes you more prepared and better suited for parenthood than most people. You take care of people as your job, and you're damn good at it, at least that was my experience." He paused, sat up a little straighter and looked me in the eyes. "I haven't met anyone with as much love and care for others as you have, Emily. Any child you have would be loved, cared for and supported, because it's in your nature, and it would be the luckiest kid in the world." I fiddled with my glass of wine, blushing, not looking at James. His words had stunned me and left me completely speechless. I was so moved I had to make an effort not to cry, and swallowed hard. For a man who outwardly could seem shy, private and not at all touchy-feely, he could still say things to me that left me utterly amazed. With an effort I looked up at him, shy and flustering.

"Thank you..." I said sincerely. I couldn't think of anything else to say. Wordlessly James took my wineglass out of my hands and placed it on the table next to his own. Then he pulled me to him and I came to rest with my back against his chest and his arms wrapped around me. He kissed my cheek and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"I could tolerate a dog," he said, and we chuckled.

"I bet Fusker would love that," I said sarcastically. After a moments silence, I spoke again. "I'm sure you would make a really good dad, James. You'd be good at playing with them, building lego and having toy car races and reading them stories."

"I'm too old," he said simply. There was something in his voice, a twitch of regret maybe. "But thank you," he added and kissed the side of my neck. We watched telly together for a while, James' arms was still wrapped around me and I caressed his arm lazily. A ringing noise broke the silence, and James fished his phone awkwardly out of his pocket. "It's Hammond," he announced, and I sat up straight and turned around to look at James, wondering if he was going to pick up. James pressed the button and put the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"James! Richard here. Happy new years, mate!" I could hear his voice coming through the phone, he sounded excited as always.

"Hey, happy new years, "James replied. "How was the party?"

"Oh, it was good! Lots of fun for children and grown-ups alike! Food was good, people enjoyed themselves... The dogs did a lot better with the fireworks this year too, no panic attacks."

"That's good! Jezza managed to stay on his feet, too?"

"Miraculously, yes. I think he learned a lesson at the Christmas party. Listen, I'm not gonna ask what is going on with you because you're not going to tell me anyway. I just need to know that you're all right, that nothing has happened." Richard kept the concern in his voice to a minimum, trying to sound neutral, but I could tell he was worried.

"Everything is fine, I'm fine, nothing bad has happened," James said in such a way that Richard wasn't going to push his luck and ask more questions.

"Okay. Good. One more thing - could I have Emily's phone number? Wanted to send her a text, say happy new year. She's still in Norway, isn't she?" At this question  James looked at me and made a grimace.

"Yeah, I guess so.. I think she's coming back the day after tomorrow." He rolled his eyes as he lied, and I couldn't help laughing silently. Then I pulled out my phone and typed in my phone number, knowing James wouldn't remember it, and held the phone up. James read off the number. "Thanks, mate."

"No problem. Say hi to Mindy and the kids from me, yeah? Say sorry I didn't make it to the party."

"I will. Bye for now." Richard hung up, and James put his phone down.

"So I'm in Norway, am I?" I said teasingly and wrapped my arms around him.

"I guess you are, because you're not here on my sofa being kissed by me," he smirked and gave me a kiss. It was interrupted by my phone going off, it had to be Richard's text. I picked it up and we read it together.

"Hi Emily, Hammond here. Just wanted to wish you a happy new year, from me and Mindy. Hope you've had a good holiday? James gave me your number. He didn't come to the new year's party, didn't explain why, just said he had to be somewhere. I'm a bit worried about him. Hope you're well. Hugs, Hamster."

What's he doing, sending you huggy texts," James huffed.

"It's called being friendly, James. He's a huggy person." I typed in my reply, James watching silently.

"Hi Hamster! Happy new year to you and Mindy too! Holiday has been good, freezing to death in -20c tho. James is just fine, I've talked to him. So don't worry, everything is ok, I promise. Hugs, Emily."

"I'm not a fan of lying," James muttered as I put the phone down and turned to face him.

"Me neither. But this lie won't hurt anybody, at least."

"That's true I guess," James agreed.

"And..." I added and pushed him back on the sofa and straddled him. ".. It's kind of fun too, isn't it? A bit exciting? Sneaking around behind everyone's back, having a secret.." I trailed a finger down his chest and hovered over his mouth. His hands were resting on my hips and he kept his eyes on me, transfixed, anticipating a kiss.

"Yeah, it is. It's a bit wrong. A bit.. naughty," he said huskily. He smirked slyly at me and I couldn't keep my lips off him any longer. We kissed, slowly and tenderly at first. James nibbled my bottom lip teasingly, and I nibbled back and ran my tonge over his. His hands travelled from my hips down my thighs, and then back up. Grabbing hold of my hips he pressed me against himself, needing me closer. At the same time his mouth moved from mine to my neck. I tilted my head, exposing my neck to him, and his mouth travelled slowly and lazily down the side of my neck, kissing and licking my skin. The sensation gave me a shiver of pleasure. "Come to bed with me," he whispered against my skin.

"Yes," I breathed back. Unsteadily I scrambled out of the sofa and we hurried upstairs. James opened the door and let me in. The second I was inside I felt his hands seize the hem of my T-shirt from behind and pull it up over my head, seemingly in a hurry. Obediently I lifted my hands and helped him. With the shirt gone his arms closed around me and he resumed the kissing of my neck and my shoulder. He took my breasts in his hands, cupping them gently for a while, before sliding his hands around to my back to unhook my bra. Still kissing my neck he slid the straps down my arms and tossed the bra on the floor.

"Go lie down," he whispered in my ear. He was taking control which I hadn't expected him to, but I liked it and decided to do as I was told. I walked over to the unmade bed, crawled into it and laid down. James kneeled onto the bed by my knees and slowly undid the knot on my drawstring pyjama pants. I laid there just looking up at him, mesmerised by his quiet determination, his control over the situation. It didn't unsettle me, it just made me excited - he could do whatever he wanted to me and I enjoyed just giving myself to him. Having undone the knot he hooked his hand inside the lining and inched both the pants and my panties down. I helpfully lifted my bum off the bed so he could get them off. The fact that I was now completely naked while James was still in his jeans and t-shirt just underlined who was in control. For a minute he just sat there, on his knees, eyes travelling over my entire body. He wasn't even touching me and still he could turn me on. Leaning on his arms he bent down and kissed my lips, and I caressed the back of his neck. He came to rest on top of me, his jeans and t-shirt feeling slightly cold and rough against my skin. Lazily, as if tasting every inch of my skin, he kissed his way down my neck and chest. Once again his mouth found my nipple, and gave it the same expert treatment as he had earlier. The result was the same as well - by the time his mouth let go of my nipple my chest was heaving. He buried his face between my breasts, licking the skin, and I could see his blue eyes peer up at me, studying my reactions. I ran my fingers through his hair and closed my eyes. He kissed his way down to my stomach, inching down on the bed, sometimes humming against my skin as if I tasted good. The further down my stomach he got the more sensitive my skin became, and the more intense the sensation of his kisses and licks. Just as I started to wonder how far down he would keep kissing, he veered off track, his mouth trailing over my hip and down the inside of my thigh. I parted my legs slightly and he settled between them, his mouth still caressing me. Achingly slowly he circled his kisses closer towards that area of me which was aching for his mouth. His hands travelled slowly over my sides and hips. I wriggled under him, urging him to stop teasing me. Sensing my impatience his lips brushed across the skin from my hip to my pussy. Just the feel of his breath against my clit made my body erupt in goose bumps again. Delicately he kissed me right above my clit, and I drew a ragged breath from expectation. I threw my head back and let out a relieved moan when I felt a warm, wet tongue slide in between my lips and brush over my clit once. His hand rested on my stomach, his thumb caressing my skin, as his tongue slid lightly over my swollen clit up and down and then in circles. The slow pace was delightful at first, then just tortuous. I longed for more, frustration building in me, and I buried my fingers in his hair, urging him to move his tongue faster. Dear god, he's as good with that as he is with the nipples. He changed pressure and speed, his tongue moving faster and with more force against me, and I moaned as the pleasure intensified. As I moaned again he eased down, going back to the slow, light pace. Then his mouth disappeared from me, I looked down and met his gaze. He kept my eyes locked in his as the hand that had rested on my stomach slid down between my legs, and I felt his fingertip brush over my throbbing clit. It kept sliding, and I gasped loudly as one finger, then two found their way inside me. I couldn't stop myself from breaking his stare, closing my eyes and leaning my head back. I could feel myself clench around his fingers, and I spread my legs even more for him. Slowly his fingers started moving in and out of me. Then they curved upwards inside me, towards my stomach, and I felt a sensation I never had before, causing me to moan loudly in surprise. Like magic he'd found a spot I had never been able to find myself, a spot I'd suspected didn't even exist, at least not in my anatomy. His fingertips rubbed slowly but forcefully against this spot, and an intense, burning pleasure spread itself somewhere in the pit of my stomach. I found myself clutching the sides of the pillow, tossing my head about, arching my back. Just when I thought nothing could feel more amazing, his tongue returned to my clit, lapping slowly at it. I tangled my fingers into his hair again, raising my hips up against his mouth. The sensation intensified, I felt myself tighten around his fingers again, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to hold back long with this treatment. James sensed the same and slid his fingers out of me. To my disappointment his mouth disappeared soon after. He moved slowly up the bed until his face was level with mine. I was shaking with lust and could barely see him through the haze of excitement, and he gave a satisfied smile when he saw my dazed expression. Through his jeans I could feel his erection press against me. Hurriedly I pulled his face towards mine, desperate for a kiss. I could still taste myself on his lips, and the scent drove me mad. I slipped my hands under his t-shirt and by sliding them up his back I pulled his t-shirt up and over his head. Franticly I unbuttoned his jeans and slipped my hands over his hips, inching the jeans and his boxers down. When I had gotten them down to his thighs I used my feet to pull them down further and he wriggled out of them. I shivered with pleasure when I finally felt his warm, naked body against mine again. His tongue and fingers' expert administrations had made me so wet, so ready for him that I didn't even have to guide him inside me. I could just adjust my hips slightly and then press them towards him and I could feel him enter me. This caught James somewhat by surprised, and he let out a huff of pleasure as he slid inside me.

"Sorry, I just couldn't wait," I whispered, biting my lip and looking at him innocently.

"I'm not exactly complaining," he stammered breathily and then covered my mouth with his. His tongue slid over mine and he started to move his hips. I leaned my head back and enjoyed, concentrating only on the feeling of him thrusting gently in and out of me. The rhythm and intensity picked up quickly, we were both way past the point where we had any self-control, any ability to pace ourselves. James hands slid down my arms and took hold of my wrists, bending my arms back, my hands level with my head. He interlaced his fingers with mine and pinned my hands to the mattress. His forehead was against mine and he looked into my eyes as he picked up the pace even more. I wrapped my legs around his waist as this was the only limbs I had control over and raised my hips up against him again. The slight change in angle let him come even deeper inside me, and we both closed our eyes as the sensation intensified even more.

"Oh, fuck..." I breathed into his ear and buried my face against his neck, kissing him, tasting his salty skin. "Don't stop...!" I begged as I felt the orgasm building inside me. But James was way beyond being able to stop. My howl of pleasure as the orgasm finally peaked was muffled against his neck, and I grinded frantically up against him which caused him to shudder and tense up as he came with a loud moan. We were still holding hands, fingers interlaced as we lay there, trying to catch our breaths. James' hands let go of mine and he looked down at me, leaning on his arms.

"You are going to be the death of me," he said shakily , smiling weakly. "At least I'll die the happiest man alive." He laid down next to me, pulling me after him, and I rested my head on his arm, wrapping both one arm and a leg over him. I looked at him searchingly for a long time. "What?" He asked. I drew a breath and ran fingers down his face.

"Sex has never felt like this before. It's never felt this...fantastic."

"They must all have been pretty rubbish then..." he mused, smiling.

"I mean it," I pressed on. Seeing my expression James became serious.

"I know," he said, leaning his face close to mine. "Sex with you is the most amazing experience I've ever had," he whispered, inches from my face and kissed me tenderly. I returned the kiss and squeezed him tightly. "Well, that flight I had in that U2 comes pretty close," he added as an afterthought, and I giggled.

"Well, if you're comparing sleeping with me to nearly going into space .... I'm all right with that."