«At the airport waiting for the flight taking me to Bali for two weeks! #MostExcitedI'veEverBeenInMyLife». Restless and giddy, I was using my iPad to occupy myself by being on twitter and emails, trying to make time go faster until we had to board. Thankfully the airport lounge had free Wifi. I was trying to remind myself that I was in for a long flight, about 7 hours to Qatar where we had a stopover, then about another 10 hours from Qatar to Bali, with a quick stop in Singapore for refuelling. Thankfully I had equipped myself with a pair of sleeping pills that would hopefully get me through the most of it. I had been so giddy and bouncy while packing and going to the airport James had compared it to travelling with his nieces and nephews. All of them. Simultaneously. The iPad made a plonk, notifying me of a reply to my tweet. «@Emily Amazing coincidence, I'm on my way there too! #MeetForADrink?» I laughed loudly as I read James' reply. He was sitting opposite me using his laptop, happy that I had managed to calm down enough to sit down and quietly play with my toy. Ever since James and I had gone 'public', we had become a public thing on Twitter as well. We didn't tweet each other that often, simply because we didn't need to, but whenever we did, like now, it caused a storm of replies. Most of them were fans of Top Gear or of James in general wishing us a good trip.
Coming to Bali was indescribable. Before arriving I had high expectations, but what met in Bali surpassed all of them. We were staying at a fantastic resort situated in an amazingly gorgeous bay. We had a bungalow all to ourselves, and even though there were bungalows around us they were all built in such a way that you felt like you had some privacy and were hidden from prying eyes. The bungalow had a small kitchen and a beautiful bathroom as well as a huge wooden balcony a few metres above the sea. Built into the floor of the balcony was a hammock, and lying in it meant you were suspended above the water with a gorgeous view of the bay and the ocean. I fell head over heels in love with the place. Seeing the clear, blue-green waters I nearly ran to the closest diving school and signed up for class, and spent 3-4 hours every day for the first week few days, first in an in-door swimming pool and then in the sea, and I had a few short lessons. On the fifth day I had completed my training and James and I could go on our first, proper dive. We stayed down for a few hours, and it was exactly as I remembered it was when I went for my first, short dive at 19. It was like entering a completely different world hidden within my own, almost void of sound except the rustle of water, but amazingly beautiful. Bali didn't get too hot, this time of year it stayed between 20 and 32 celcius, which was perfect for me. The sunshine, the warm water, the spicy scents permeating the air, it was exactly what I wanted and needed. James and I went for a few excursions, walking about town and the market, or went to see temples or other noteworthy places.
One evening we'd been out to a fantastic dinner and had gone back to our bungalow, lit a few candles on the balcony and crawled into the hammock to watch the sunset. We were nestled closely together amidst a pile of pillows, feeling warm, full and comfortable. As I lay there I became completely lost in my own thoughts. James' voice brought me out of my preoccupied silence.
«Emily?»
«Mm?» My eyes snapped back into focus and when I looked at James he saw that my eyes were full of melancholy.
«Where were you just now? You look sad..» James said, looking concerned. I gave him a small smile, shaking my head a little.
«I was just... thinking. You know... Nine years ago, pretty much to the day, I was planning how I was going to commit suicide.» The severity of these words seemed to hit James like a tonne of bricks, his face went pale and his eyes widened a little. He knew I'd had depressions and struggled for a long time, but I had never told him this.
«Really..?» Was all he managed.
«I was going to use my car, and I even knew which cliff to drive off so it was guaranteed to kill me. I sat in my living room with the car keys in my hand all night, fighting with myself. I just wanted out. I felt completely useless, and so worthless that I honestly thought I didn't deserve or was worth the food I was eating. Bitterness, guilt and shame was torturing me all the time, all I could think of was how life maybe could have been if my mum hadn't died, and of all the things I wasn't able to do; work, school, have a social life... I remember I used to say that I was too much of a coward to even commit suicide.»
«Emily, why are you thinking about this..?» James asked. His face had a pained expression, it obviously hurt him to hear me talk about how my life had been.
«Because... Looking back at how my life was then, it seems unbelievable that I'm even here, that I've come this far. My life has changed so completely. Back then I hated everything about my life, and most of all I hated myself. And now... I have everything I've ever wanted in life. I live in a fantastic city. I have a job that feels worthwhile, one I love doing. I have my family, and I have good friends. But most important of all; I have you.» All the love I had for James, and all the happiness I felt in my life hit me like a wave, making my eyes well up and my lower lip tremble. «And now... I'm here, in paradise, with the love of my life. This moment, right here, is the polar opposite to that moment when I sat staring at the car keys in my hand. Nine years ago I didn't think that I'd get to experience this level of happiness. Right now, everything is absolutely perfect.» A few tears escaped my eyes as I smiled at James. «I want to... thank you. For coming into my life, and for wanting me in yours. And for making me feel so loved. You care for me, you support me, understand me... You are everything I need. You're my home.» It was James' turn to struggle, he blinked hard a few times and fought with his own trembling bottom-lip.
«... Are you the one practicing your wedding speech now?» He said in a constricted voice and I couldn't help but laugh and blush. «God, I love you so much,» he sighed and gave me a long, lingering kiss. When he broke away he looked at me quietly for a long time, running his hand over my hair. «It kills me to hear how much you suffered. Thank you for not taking you car out that night. I am so incredibly proud of you for fighting your way through that. You are the strongest person I know.»
«Thank you,» I whispered and kissed him deeply. «I'm sorry, I just... had a mushy moment,» I sniffed, feeling myself blushing a little.
«Meanwhile you're missing out on a great sunset,» James pointed out, as I was lying with my back to it. I turned around so I laid with my back against James' chest and wrapped his arm around my waist, interlacing my fingers with his. Taking in the sea and the sunset I took a deep breath and sighed happily.
«James... as much as I love our life in London, can we just.. stay here forever?»
«Mmm, it's a tempting thought, isn't it...» James agreed, nuzzling the back of my neck. «But you and me, we have so many other paradises to discover.» At this I smiled to myself.
«I like the sound of that.»
Our sixteen days on Bali went by way too quickly. We rented a car and spent two days driving around the entire island, both of us wanted to see as much as possible. We stayed at a hotel in a town about halfway around the island, leaving our beloved bungalow for a night. One day we went on a guided tour in the rainforest in the middle of the the island. What we saw on our travels was a country and a landscape that was absolutely breathtaking. I found myself not missing London, or the comforts of living in a huge city, at all. We managed to do some more diving, and the rest of the time we spent relaxing in the sun, reading books or talking. At night we usually went out for dinner and had a few beers. It was the first time I had James properly to myself since we went on our road trip the first week we were together, away from work and everything that laid claim to his time. It felt wonderful to be able to focus on nothing but each other, and even thought I didn't think it was possible I found myself falling even more in love with James. We were flirty and giggly and hopelessly, sickeningly in love with each other, and it showed. Almost daily we were asked if we were on our honeymoon.
Wisely enough we had decided that our last day on Bali before going home was going to be a relaxing one. We'd gone for one last dive in the ocean, and then lazed about in the sun with our books for the rest of the day. I tried my best not to be in a bad mood. Our holiday had been fantastic and I had no right to sulk about going home. So in stead I kept quiet and tried to pass it off as being 'serenely silent'. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it. By late afternoon James appeared at the balcony door, looking stern.
«Get up. Stop moping.» He said flatly, towering over me as I lay in the hammock.
«I.. what? I'm not...» I stammered.
«Oh don't even start» he said, his voice a little milder now. «I know you're sad about going home tomorrow, and I also know you're trying to hide it. Come on, lets go for a walk on the beach,» James said with a smile, hunching down and stretching out an arm for me to take. I took it and crawled gracelessly out of the hammock.
«I'm sorry...» I mumbled a little ashamedly, hiding my face against his chest. «I'm an awful human being, I've just spent over two weeks in paradise and I have the nerve to be a mopey git.»
«Oh shut up,» James said with a little giggle, cradling my face in his hands and pulled it up to his own, giving me a kiss. «Beach walk?»
«Mhm,» I nodded. Realising that my sandals would just fill with sand anyway I left them behind. The sand was still warm from the heat of the sun as I stepped onto the beach from our bungalow. James took my hand and we headed away from the resort, the beach stretching out empty in front of us for what seemed like miles. The sun would soon be setting, and I felt another pang of sadness when I relised it was my last sunset on Bali. We walked in silence for a while, holding hands, hearing nothing but the sounds of the ocean and the birds. I stared at the sea, mesmerized by the beauty of it, and hardly knew what had happened when everything went dark. As my body caught up with its senses I realised that James had slipped a scarf over my eyes, and now he was tying it at the back of my head.
«James! What are you doing?» I squealed and laughed.
«It's a secret,» he said quietly into my ear, standing behind me. «And for it to remain a secret you have to not see anything.»
«O.. kay...» I said a little hesitantly. My heart was beating faster and I couldn't stop myself smiling as my thoughts raced around in my head. What was the secret?
«We'll have to walk a little bit, though.» James' voice was still close to my ear. His hands were trailing lightly up and down my arms, caressing me.
«Ah. See, that is going to be a problem, because I can't see!» I pointed out dryly.
«I'll guide you,» James said as he slid his fingertips down my arms. When he reached my hands he interlaced his fingers with mine. Holding my hands he began steering me forwards, and I took a few tentative, wobbly steps. Not having my vision made me feel disorientated and unbalanced, especially when walking on sand. I giggled at my own clumsiness, and so did James. It didn't take long before I decided to just trust James, however, as he supported and guided me forwards. Lacking a point of reference it felt like we walked miles, and James sensed my impatience. «Not far now.» James' hands let go of mine as we finally came to a halt, and his fingertips slid up my arms and shoulders, so lightly it caused me to erupt into goosebumps. «Ready?» My voice failed me, all I could do was nod vigorously as I held my breath. James untied the knot, fiddling with it unneccessarily, then gently removed the scarf. I blinked rapidly to adjust to the light and get everything into focus. Then I gasped. Before me was a cabana with a typical indonesian straw roof. It didn't have any walls, just a pillar in each corner that was draped in white curtains and adorned with gorgeous flowers. Underneath the roof was a dinner table and two chairs. A few torches were dug into the sand, and masses of lit lanterns were strewn on the beach all around the cabana. The sun was still setting, and the scene was absolutely breathtaking. Without even being aware of it I had covered my mouth with both of my hands in sheer surprise, and my eyes were welling up as I was trying to take it all in. «I was hoping you would do me the honor of having dinner with me tonight?» James said as he walked around to look at me. With my hands still covering my face all I could do was nod. I was at a complete loss for words as I looked from James and back to the perfect, romantic scene in front of me. Stretching out his hand to squeeze my shoulder, James raised his eyebrows at me. «Say something?» I removed my hands from my mouth and quickly wiped a few tears off my cheek.
«Oh, James, I... I don't know what to... This is... Amazing. Thank you,» I stammered and sniffed. «But how did you..?» I asked.
«I recruited the help of that nice woman back at the resort...» James began, obviously not remembering her name.
«Kay?»
«Yeah, her. It isn't the first time they've had requests to help with these sort of romantic ideas, she has some experience in these things. So she and I planned it all. I wanted to... give you a surprise. And make sure that your last night here was the best one, so you wouldn't be so sad about going home.» I smiled as James said this, amazed at how well it was possible for one human to know another. He had known that I'd be sad about leaving, and done this just to distract me from that.
«Thank you sweetheart...» I smiled, finally having regained the use of my words. «God, I don't deserve this... You are really spoiling me.»
«You deserve all of this and much, much more,» James said sincerely and cupped my face in his hands, kissing me softly. «Hmm... Champagne?» He suggested.
«Yes, please,» I smiled. He took my hand and led me between the lanterns to the cabana and gestured for me to sit down. There was a champagnebucket half buried in the sand, filled with ice to keep the champagne cool. James quickly uncorked it and poured it into the tall glasses on the table, then handed a glass to me before sitting down.
«I don't have any huge, romantic toast prepared..» James said, looking at his glass of bubbly. «So.. here's to you and me, sweetie,» he said and held out his glass, and I clinked it with mine.
«To you and me,» I smiled back and had a sip. A silence fell between us, a strange and awkward one, as if we were on our first ever date and felt shy around each other. We both picked up on it at the same time and looked at each other, then burst out laughing.
«I really thought the awkward dating-phase was over by now,» he chortled.
«James, we never even really had that phase, did we?» I observed, also giggling.
«We didn't really, no...» James nodded slowly. «I never felt particularly awkward with you, not even in the beginning. Which is strange, because that is usually my normal mode around people before I get to know them,» James admitted. Thinking back to the time when we first got to know each other I smiled wistfully.
«I know what you mean. Spending time with you always felt... natural. You know, familiar. Even that first night when you came over and built all my furniture,» I laughed.
«Oh god, I will never understand what possessed me to, normally I would never have had the courage to do something like that, just... barge into a womans' flat and start building furniture. And don't give me all the credit, you built just as much as me!»
«It surprised me that you did. But I was also very excited about seeing you again,» I admitted. I realised that we'd never really talked about this before, about the first times we met and how we got to know each other.
«When I realised you were in London, I couldn't wait, I had to see you again. Back in Syria, we met for such a short time, but I just.. I had to figure it out, had to see if whatever I had felt in Syria was just.. my imagination, or something real. Or brain damage,» he added with a smirk. «I felt bonkers just for thinking that I had felt anything, I mean... How could I? Like I said, we barely met and still I couldn't stop thinking about you. Getting to know people hasn't always been easy for me, and having feelings for anyone was something that always took time, I guess I was sort of guarded that way. But with you, that guard just... Disappeared.»
«I'm glad it did.» I reached over the table and put my hand over James', squeezing it a little. Two weeks in Bali had given James quite a tan and made his hair go a little lighter. It suited him, making him look healthy and gorgeous. The white linen shirt he was wearing made him look even more tanned. "You are a very, very handsome man right now," I smiled, feeling how my heart beat a little faster just by looking at him.
"Just right now?" He said, looking a little crestfallen.
"No, you're always handsome. But especially right now." James opened his mouth to say something, but a shout in the distance interrupted us.
«Ah, food!» James said with a smile. An indonesian man approaced us balancing a ridiculously huge tray filled with various plates of Balinese food. We'd both agreed that we loved the traditional food in Bali, so here was a bit of everything. The man expertly manoeuvred the tray onto our table, then sat a square bag that he had been carrying on his back down next to us. In it was water and a bunch of beer, as it just went better with balinese food than wine did. Or so James and I thought, in any case. The man bowed to us then disappeared into the treeline behind the beach again.
«Did he walk all the way here with all of that?» I asked in amazement.
«I think that's the sound of a car leaving in the distance, so... no,» James pointed out. His focus had shifted to the food and he was clearly struggling with what to begin with. «Oh bugger it, it's all good,» he scoffed and started loading stuff onto his plate. We quietly dug into our food and our beer for a while. Every now and again I had to have a look around, just to remind myself of where I was; taking in the sunset, the lanterns glowing in the dusk and the sea. In the end, and with plenty of food left, we both realised we had to capitulate.
«God, that was.. heavenly,» I sighed, slumping back against the chair. «But I am already regretting it.»
«Me too,» James chuckled. Getting up from his chair he stretched luxuriously, then reached out a hand for me. I looked up at him quizzically, wondering why he wanted me to get up. «Come on,» he said impatiently, waving his hand about for me to take it. When I did he dragged me up off the chair. From the back of the chair he had been sitting on he pulled off a blanket, I hadn't even noticed it was there, and he spread it out on the sand in front of the cabana. Taking my hand again he sat down on the blanket and pulled me down to him so I sat between his legs with my back resting against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled the side of my neck and cheek, breathing me in with a deep sigh. «I'm sorry, I just needed to be closer to you,» he said, explaining to why he'd moved from the table.
«Mm, that's okay, I like this,» I purred in his arms. Taking in the beautiful, romantic surroundings I sighed happily. «Thank you so much for all of this, James... This entire holiday has been absolutely amazing, and this right here is just... indescribable.» I craned my neck and gave James a long, grateful kiss before turning back to watch the sunset.
«You're welcome, sweetie,» James said, wrapping his arm a little tighter around me and resting his cheek against mine, just holding me close while we watched the sunset. After a little silence he spoke again. «You know, saying that you don't deserve this... that's just bollocks. That's the old you talking. I know you felt worthless for a long time, and sometimes I think part of you still holds on to that thought. But just the fact that you went through all of that makes you deserve this. After all the pain and grief, don't you think you deserve a little happiness?»
«Hmm... maybe,» I said hesitantly. Even though I had gone through a long and dark period in my life, I still didn't feel like I was worthy of all the good things that had happened in my life; my education, my job, my life with James.
«I think you do. You spend most of your days being kind and selfless, helping others. And I love you, and more than anything in the world I want to make you happy. That's why you deserve this,» James finished and hugged me tighter as he kissed my cheek.
«Thank you, love,» I said in a constricted voice, squeezing his arm and leaning into him. «And you do make me happy.» We watched the sunset together in a long and comfortable silence. James had his arms around me, and I caressed his legs. Both of us were completely in the moment, taken by the breathtaking beauty of our surroundings and the love we felt for each other. As the sun was nearly gone over the horizon, James' arms loosened around me.
«There's this one thing I thought we could do,» he said and got up from the blanket. «Hang on.» I watched him as he went into the cabana and rummaged around in the bag the man had brought us for a little before returning to the blanket. James sat down beside me again. «These are sky lanterns. You light them and they float away like a small hot-air balloon.»
«Oh yeah, I've seen those before,» I said, looking at the bundle of rice paper and string with a blob of wax at the bottom.
«In Japan they have this festival, everyone goes home to their family homes and they believe that by lighting lanterns at their houses or in graveyards they guide the family spirits home. By the end of the festival the lanterns are placed on the river, and as they drift away so does the familiy spirits, guided back to rest.»
«Was that what you guys saw in.. where was it? Vietnam?»
«Mm, in Hoi An. Not sure if that was the same festival, though. Anyway, we don't have a river anywhere nearby, but... When I saw them I remembered the festival in Japan. Then I thought about your mum, and your best mate. And how much they mean to you. So... I thought that maybe, if you want to, we could send up one for each of them? Honor their memory?» When James looked at me he seemed a little apprehensive, as if he was worried I might become upset by his suggestion. To reassure him I smiled mildly and nodded.
«That is a great idea, I'd love that.»
«Good,» James smiled and leaned in for a kiss before getting up from the blanket and stepped onto the sand. I got up clumsily and followed him. Carefully so as to not rip the delicate ricepaper James unfolded the first lantern. «Here, we have to hold it up until the air inside it heats up enough for it to fly on its own,» James explained, and I helped holding onto it while James lit the flammable wax suspended underneath it. It was almost dark outside now, the sun was gone and a pale stripe of blue and pink was all that was visible over the horizon. James left me to hold the first one while he set about lighting the second one. I watched him as he unfolded the second lantern and lit the wax. I giggled a little at how focused he was on the task at hand. Holding the lantern I felt it get gradually lighter, wanting to fly as the air trapped inside it got heated up. «Just let it go if it starts to get buoyant.»
«Hmm, okay..» I said and gingerly let go of the lantern, half-expecting it to fall to the ground. It seemed to just hover in mid-air in front of me for a moment, then it started its tentative ascent, slowly rising upwards. Having made sure the first lantern was definitely staying airborn, I walked over to James and helped him hold his. Not long after the first we raised the lantern further off the ground then let it go, and it too began floating upwards.
«There they go,» James said, keeping his eye on the lanterns as they kept climbing higher. The sky above us was dark now, and the lanterns lit up like beautiful, slow-moving orbs reaching for the stars.
«I miss you guys,» I sighed as I watched, thinking of the two people we were honoring. James' arms closed around me from behind, comforting me by hugging me tightly. «I wish they were still here. I wish they could see me now, see how my life has changed. Even if I'm not sure they can 'see' anything, they're gone.»
«Well.. If they can see you, I'm certain that they are very proud of you. And if they can't... Just know that they would have been so proud of you if they were alive, just like I'm incredibly proud of you,» James said softly, rubbing my arms as I was getting a little chilly now that the sun had gone.
«Aw, thank you sweetie,» I said and turned around to kiss him gratefully. «I wish you'd met them. I wish you'd met my mum, she was an odd one,» I laughed, thinking of her weird habits. «She was a total night owl, like me, and always wandered around at night in her nightdress and big, woolly socks. While doing crosswords or knitting. She had this amazing ability to do fifteen things at once, she could knit while reading a book and talk to her sister on the phone while keeping half an eye on the telly.»
«Like mother like daughter, eh?» James chortled.
«I do not have old ladies' nightdresses!» I protested.
«But the rest of it sounds just like you.»
«Okay, fair enough, you have a point.»
«Do you think your mum would've liked me?» James asked.
«Yeah, definitely,» I said without hesitation, having thought about it many times. «She liked people who were themselves, people who were intelligent and compassionate and down-to-earth. And you are all those things. And she played the piano and liked poetry, so you'd have things in common. She hated people who were fake or shallow or narrow-minded. Yeah, she'd definitely like you. As long as you were prepeared to play cards with here while drinking coffee and smoking all night.»
«I could have done that,» James said with a little laugh.
«And, she was born in -54, so she was only nine years older than you! I bet you could've shared some memories from ye olden days,» I added with a giggle. James rolled his eyes exasperatedly.
«Gee, thanks for making me feel ancient!» He huffed, but then he broke out into a smile, revealing that he hadn't been offended at all. Cupping his face in my hands I pulled his face down to mine for a kiss.
«I really wish they could've met you. I would have been so proud to be able to call you mine,» I whispered with a smile.
«I wish I could have met them too. So I could've thanked them for taking care of you and making you into the amazing person you are,» James replied, and I almost went weak at the knees.
«And I wish I could hear things like that without sobbing like a damn girl!» I complained, blinking back a few tears. James smiled and shook his head at me a little, then spun me around and wrapped his arms around me again. Then he pointed upwards to where the lanterns were floating high above the sea in the middle of the bay, far away. They seemed almost stationary, just two glowing shapes suspended in the air. We stood and watched in silence for a long time as the lanterns soared ever higher and further away. With the sun long gone the air had gone chilly, and since I had almost acclimatised to the warmer climate it made me shiver.
«We should head back,» James said quietly. «You're getting cold and we have to get up early in the morning.»
«Mm, I know,» I sighed a little sadly. I hadn't wanted the holiday to end, and I especially hadn't wanted this night to end. But now that it was inevitably coming to a close, I felt happy and content. Our trip had been amazing, and this nigth had been the perfect ending to it. With an effort I tore my eyes away from the two lanterns in the distance and turned around to James. «Come on, lets go back. Just know that you're getting sex tonight,» I added warningly. James' eyes widened in pleasant surprise.
«Oh really?»
«Oh yes, really. A surprise dinner like this one makes you deserving of as much cuddling and sex as you could possibly want,» I laughed.
«I would take you right here, but the sand would be a nightmare,» James laughed back. He grabbed one of the torches that were dug into the sand and his free hand found mine, then we went back to the bungalow and our last night on Bali.
«Emily?»
«Mm?» My eyes snapped back into focus and when I looked at James he saw that my eyes were full of melancholy.
«Where were you just now? You look sad..» James said, looking concerned. I gave him a small smile, shaking my head a little.
«I was just... thinking. You know... Nine years ago, pretty much to the day, I was planning how I was going to commit suicide.» The severity of these words seemed to hit James like a tonne of bricks, his face went pale and his eyes widened a little. He knew I'd had depressions and struggled for a long time, but I had never told him this.
«Really..?» Was all he managed.
«I was going to use my car, and I even knew which cliff to drive off so it was guaranteed to kill me. I sat in my living room with the car keys in my hand all night, fighting with myself. I just wanted out. I felt completely useless, and so worthless that I honestly thought I didn't deserve or was worth the food I was eating. Bitterness, guilt and shame was torturing me all the time, all I could think of was how life maybe could have been if my mum hadn't died, and of all the things I wasn't able to do; work, school, have a social life... I remember I used to say that I was too much of a coward to even commit suicide.»
«Emily, why are you thinking about this..?» James asked. His face had a pained expression, it obviously hurt him to hear me talk about how my life had been.
«Because... Looking back at how my life was then, it seems unbelievable that I'm even here, that I've come this far. My life has changed so completely. Back then I hated everything about my life, and most of all I hated myself. And now... I have everything I've ever wanted in life. I live in a fantastic city. I have a job that feels worthwhile, one I love doing. I have my family, and I have good friends. But most important of all; I have you.» All the love I had for James, and all the happiness I felt in my life hit me like a wave, making my eyes well up and my lower lip tremble. «And now... I'm here, in paradise, with the love of my life. This moment, right here, is the polar opposite to that moment when I sat staring at the car keys in my hand. Nine years ago I didn't think that I'd get to experience this level of happiness. Right now, everything is absolutely perfect.» A few tears escaped my eyes as I smiled at James. «I want to... thank you. For coming into my life, and for wanting me in yours. And for making me feel so loved. You care for me, you support me, understand me... You are everything I need. You're my home.» It was James' turn to struggle, he blinked hard a few times and fought with his own trembling bottom-lip.
«... Are you the one practicing your wedding speech now?» He said in a constricted voice and I couldn't help but laugh and blush. «God, I love you so much,» he sighed and gave me a long, lingering kiss. When he broke away he looked at me quietly for a long time, running his hand over my hair. «It kills me to hear how much you suffered. Thank you for not taking you car out that night. I am so incredibly proud of you for fighting your way through that. You are the strongest person I know.»
«Thank you,» I whispered and kissed him deeply. «I'm sorry, I just... had a mushy moment,» I sniffed, feeling myself blushing a little.
«Meanwhile you're missing out on a great sunset,» James pointed out, as I was lying with my back to it. I turned around so I laid with my back against James' chest and wrapped his arm around my waist, interlacing my fingers with his. Taking in the sea and the sunset I took a deep breath and sighed happily.
«James... as much as I love our life in London, can we just.. stay here forever?»
«Mmm, it's a tempting thought, isn't it...» James agreed, nuzzling the back of my neck. «But you and me, we have so many other paradises to discover.» At this I smiled to myself.
«I like the sound of that.»
Our sixteen days on Bali went by way too quickly. We rented a car and spent two days driving around the entire island, both of us wanted to see as much as possible. We stayed at a hotel in a town about halfway around the island, leaving our beloved bungalow for a night. One day we went on a guided tour in the rainforest in the middle of the the island. What we saw on our travels was a country and a landscape that was absolutely breathtaking. I found myself not missing London, or the comforts of living in a huge city, at all. We managed to do some more diving, and the rest of the time we spent relaxing in the sun, reading books or talking. At night we usually went out for dinner and had a few beers. It was the first time I had James properly to myself since we went on our road trip the first week we were together, away from work and everything that laid claim to his time. It felt wonderful to be able to focus on nothing but each other, and even thought I didn't think it was possible I found myself falling even more in love with James. We were flirty and giggly and hopelessly, sickeningly in love with each other, and it showed. Almost daily we were asked if we were on our honeymoon.
Wisely enough we had decided that our last day on Bali before going home was going to be a relaxing one. We'd gone for one last dive in the ocean, and then lazed about in the sun with our books for the rest of the day. I tried my best not to be in a bad mood. Our holiday had been fantastic and I had no right to sulk about going home. So in stead I kept quiet and tried to pass it off as being 'serenely silent'. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it. By late afternoon James appeared at the balcony door, looking stern.
«Get up. Stop moping.» He said flatly, towering over me as I lay in the hammock.
«I.. what? I'm not...» I stammered.
«Oh don't even start» he said, his voice a little milder now. «I know you're sad about going home tomorrow, and I also know you're trying to hide it. Come on, lets go for a walk on the beach,» James said with a smile, hunching down and stretching out an arm for me to take. I took it and crawled gracelessly out of the hammock.
«I'm sorry...» I mumbled a little ashamedly, hiding my face against his chest. «I'm an awful human being, I've just spent over two weeks in paradise and I have the nerve to be a mopey git.»
«Oh shut up,» James said with a little giggle, cradling my face in his hands and pulled it up to his own, giving me a kiss. «Beach walk?»
«Mhm,» I nodded. Realising that my sandals would just fill with sand anyway I left them behind. The sand was still warm from the heat of the sun as I stepped onto the beach from our bungalow. James took my hand and we headed away from the resort, the beach stretching out empty in front of us for what seemed like miles. The sun would soon be setting, and I felt another pang of sadness when I relised it was my last sunset on Bali. We walked in silence for a while, holding hands, hearing nothing but the sounds of the ocean and the birds. I stared at the sea, mesmerized by the beauty of it, and hardly knew what had happened when everything went dark. As my body caught up with its senses I realised that James had slipped a scarf over my eyes, and now he was tying it at the back of my head.
«James! What are you doing?» I squealed and laughed.
«It's a secret,» he said quietly into my ear, standing behind me. «And for it to remain a secret you have to not see anything.»
«O.. kay...» I said a little hesitantly. My heart was beating faster and I couldn't stop myself smiling as my thoughts raced around in my head. What was the secret?
«We'll have to walk a little bit, though.» James' voice was still close to my ear. His hands were trailing lightly up and down my arms, caressing me.
«Ah. See, that is going to be a problem, because I can't see!» I pointed out dryly.
«I'll guide you,» James said as he slid his fingertips down my arms. When he reached my hands he interlaced his fingers with mine. Holding my hands he began steering me forwards, and I took a few tentative, wobbly steps. Not having my vision made me feel disorientated and unbalanced, especially when walking on sand. I giggled at my own clumsiness, and so did James. It didn't take long before I decided to just trust James, however, as he supported and guided me forwards. Lacking a point of reference it felt like we walked miles, and James sensed my impatience. «Not far now.» James' hands let go of mine as we finally came to a halt, and his fingertips slid up my arms and shoulders, so lightly it caused me to erupt into goosebumps. «Ready?» My voice failed me, all I could do was nod vigorously as I held my breath. James untied the knot, fiddling with it unneccessarily, then gently removed the scarf. I blinked rapidly to adjust to the light and get everything into focus. Then I gasped. Before me was a cabana with a typical indonesian straw roof. It didn't have any walls, just a pillar in each corner that was draped in white curtains and adorned with gorgeous flowers. Underneath the roof was a dinner table and two chairs. A few torches were dug into the sand, and masses of lit lanterns were strewn on the beach all around the cabana. The sun was still setting, and the scene was absolutely breathtaking. Without even being aware of it I had covered my mouth with both of my hands in sheer surprise, and my eyes were welling up as I was trying to take it all in. «I was hoping you would do me the honor of having dinner with me tonight?» James said as he walked around to look at me. With my hands still covering my face all I could do was nod. I was at a complete loss for words as I looked from James and back to the perfect, romantic scene in front of me. Stretching out his hand to squeeze my shoulder, James raised his eyebrows at me. «Say something?» I removed my hands from my mouth and quickly wiped a few tears off my cheek.
«Oh, James, I... I don't know what to... This is... Amazing. Thank you,» I stammered and sniffed. «But how did you..?» I asked.
«I recruited the help of that nice woman back at the resort...» James began, obviously not remembering her name.
«Kay?»
«Yeah, her. It isn't the first time they've had requests to help with these sort of romantic ideas, she has some experience in these things. So she and I planned it all. I wanted to... give you a surprise. And make sure that your last night here was the best one, so you wouldn't be so sad about going home.» I smiled as James said this, amazed at how well it was possible for one human to know another. He had known that I'd be sad about leaving, and done this just to distract me from that.
«Thank you sweetheart...» I smiled, finally having regained the use of my words. «God, I don't deserve this... You are really spoiling me.»
«You deserve all of this and much, much more,» James said sincerely and cupped my face in his hands, kissing me softly. «Hmm... Champagne?» He suggested.
«Yes, please,» I smiled. He took my hand and led me between the lanterns to the cabana and gestured for me to sit down. There was a champagnebucket half buried in the sand, filled with ice to keep the champagne cool. James quickly uncorked it and poured it into the tall glasses on the table, then handed a glass to me before sitting down.
«I don't have any huge, romantic toast prepared..» James said, looking at his glass of bubbly. «So.. here's to you and me, sweetie,» he said and held out his glass, and I clinked it with mine.
«To you and me,» I smiled back and had a sip. A silence fell between us, a strange and awkward one, as if we were on our first ever date and felt shy around each other. We both picked up on it at the same time and looked at each other, then burst out laughing.
«I really thought the awkward dating-phase was over by now,» he chortled.
«James, we never even really had that phase, did we?» I observed, also giggling.
«We didn't really, no...» James nodded slowly. «I never felt particularly awkward with you, not even in the beginning. Which is strange, because that is usually my normal mode around people before I get to know them,» James admitted. Thinking back to the time when we first got to know each other I smiled wistfully.
«I know what you mean. Spending time with you always felt... natural. You know, familiar. Even that first night when you came over and built all my furniture,» I laughed.
«Oh god, I will never understand what possessed me to, normally I would never have had the courage to do something like that, just... barge into a womans' flat and start building furniture. And don't give me all the credit, you built just as much as me!»
«It surprised me that you did. But I was also very excited about seeing you again,» I admitted. I realised that we'd never really talked about this before, about the first times we met and how we got to know each other.
«When I realised you were in London, I couldn't wait, I had to see you again. Back in Syria, we met for such a short time, but I just.. I had to figure it out, had to see if whatever I had felt in Syria was just.. my imagination, or something real. Or brain damage,» he added with a smirk. «I felt bonkers just for thinking that I had felt anything, I mean... How could I? Like I said, we barely met and still I couldn't stop thinking about you. Getting to know people hasn't always been easy for me, and having feelings for anyone was something that always took time, I guess I was sort of guarded that way. But with you, that guard just... Disappeared.»
«I'm glad it did.» I reached over the table and put my hand over James', squeezing it a little. Two weeks in Bali had given James quite a tan and made his hair go a little lighter. It suited him, making him look healthy and gorgeous. The white linen shirt he was wearing made him look even more tanned. "You are a very, very handsome man right now," I smiled, feeling how my heart beat a little faster just by looking at him.
"Just right now?" He said, looking a little crestfallen.
"No, you're always handsome. But especially right now." James opened his mouth to say something, but a shout in the distance interrupted us.
«Ah, food!» James said with a smile. An indonesian man approaced us balancing a ridiculously huge tray filled with various plates of Balinese food. We'd both agreed that we loved the traditional food in Bali, so here was a bit of everything. The man expertly manoeuvred the tray onto our table, then sat a square bag that he had been carrying on his back down next to us. In it was water and a bunch of beer, as it just went better with balinese food than wine did. Or so James and I thought, in any case. The man bowed to us then disappeared into the treeline behind the beach again.
«Did he walk all the way here with all of that?» I asked in amazement.
«I think that's the sound of a car leaving in the distance, so... no,» James pointed out. His focus had shifted to the food and he was clearly struggling with what to begin with. «Oh bugger it, it's all good,» he scoffed and started loading stuff onto his plate. We quietly dug into our food and our beer for a while. Every now and again I had to have a look around, just to remind myself of where I was; taking in the sunset, the lanterns glowing in the dusk and the sea. In the end, and with plenty of food left, we both realised we had to capitulate.
«God, that was.. heavenly,» I sighed, slumping back against the chair. «But I am already regretting it.»
«Me too,» James chuckled. Getting up from his chair he stretched luxuriously, then reached out a hand for me. I looked up at him quizzically, wondering why he wanted me to get up. «Come on,» he said impatiently, waving his hand about for me to take it. When I did he dragged me up off the chair. From the back of the chair he had been sitting on he pulled off a blanket, I hadn't even noticed it was there, and he spread it out on the sand in front of the cabana. Taking my hand again he sat down on the blanket and pulled me down to him so I sat between his legs with my back resting against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled the side of my neck and cheek, breathing me in with a deep sigh. «I'm sorry, I just needed to be closer to you,» he said, explaining to why he'd moved from the table.
«Mm, that's okay, I like this,» I purred in his arms. Taking in the beautiful, romantic surroundings I sighed happily. «Thank you so much for all of this, James... This entire holiday has been absolutely amazing, and this right here is just... indescribable.» I craned my neck and gave James a long, grateful kiss before turning back to watch the sunset.
«You're welcome, sweetie,» James said, wrapping his arm a little tighter around me and resting his cheek against mine, just holding me close while we watched the sunset. After a little silence he spoke again. «You know, saying that you don't deserve this... that's just bollocks. That's the old you talking. I know you felt worthless for a long time, and sometimes I think part of you still holds on to that thought. But just the fact that you went through all of that makes you deserve this. After all the pain and grief, don't you think you deserve a little happiness?»
«Hmm... maybe,» I said hesitantly. Even though I had gone through a long and dark period in my life, I still didn't feel like I was worthy of all the good things that had happened in my life; my education, my job, my life with James.
«I think you do. You spend most of your days being kind and selfless, helping others. And I love you, and more than anything in the world I want to make you happy. That's why you deserve this,» James finished and hugged me tighter as he kissed my cheek.
«Thank you, love,» I said in a constricted voice, squeezing his arm and leaning into him. «And you do make me happy.» We watched the sunset together in a long and comfortable silence. James had his arms around me, and I caressed his legs. Both of us were completely in the moment, taken by the breathtaking beauty of our surroundings and the love we felt for each other. As the sun was nearly gone over the horizon, James' arms loosened around me.
«There's this one thing I thought we could do,» he said and got up from the blanket. «Hang on.» I watched him as he went into the cabana and rummaged around in the bag the man had brought us for a little before returning to the blanket. James sat down beside me again. «These are sky lanterns. You light them and they float away like a small hot-air balloon.»
«Oh yeah, I've seen those before,» I said, looking at the bundle of rice paper and string with a blob of wax at the bottom.
«In Japan they have this festival, everyone goes home to their family homes and they believe that by lighting lanterns at their houses or in graveyards they guide the family spirits home. By the end of the festival the lanterns are placed on the river, and as they drift away so does the familiy spirits, guided back to rest.»
«Was that what you guys saw in.. where was it? Vietnam?»
«Mm, in Hoi An. Not sure if that was the same festival, though. Anyway, we don't have a river anywhere nearby, but... When I saw them I remembered the festival in Japan. Then I thought about your mum, and your best mate. And how much they mean to you. So... I thought that maybe, if you want to, we could send up one for each of them? Honor their memory?» When James looked at me he seemed a little apprehensive, as if he was worried I might become upset by his suggestion. To reassure him I smiled mildly and nodded.
«That is a great idea, I'd love that.»
«Good,» James smiled and leaned in for a kiss before getting up from the blanket and stepped onto the sand. I got up clumsily and followed him. Carefully so as to not rip the delicate ricepaper James unfolded the first lantern. «Here, we have to hold it up until the air inside it heats up enough for it to fly on its own,» James explained, and I helped holding onto it while James lit the flammable wax suspended underneath it. It was almost dark outside now, the sun was gone and a pale stripe of blue and pink was all that was visible over the horizon. James left me to hold the first one while he set about lighting the second one. I watched him as he unfolded the second lantern and lit the wax. I giggled a little at how focused he was on the task at hand. Holding the lantern I felt it get gradually lighter, wanting to fly as the air trapped inside it got heated up. «Just let it go if it starts to get buoyant.»
«Hmm, okay..» I said and gingerly let go of the lantern, half-expecting it to fall to the ground. It seemed to just hover in mid-air in front of me for a moment, then it started its tentative ascent, slowly rising upwards. Having made sure the first lantern was definitely staying airborn, I walked over to James and helped him hold his. Not long after the first we raised the lantern further off the ground then let it go, and it too began floating upwards.
«There they go,» James said, keeping his eye on the lanterns as they kept climbing higher. The sky above us was dark now, and the lanterns lit up like beautiful, slow-moving orbs reaching for the stars.
«I miss you guys,» I sighed as I watched, thinking of the two people we were honoring. James' arms closed around me from behind, comforting me by hugging me tightly. «I wish they were still here. I wish they could see me now, see how my life has changed. Even if I'm not sure they can 'see' anything, they're gone.»
«Well.. If they can see you, I'm certain that they are very proud of you. And if they can't... Just know that they would have been so proud of you if they were alive, just like I'm incredibly proud of you,» James said softly, rubbing my arms as I was getting a little chilly now that the sun had gone.
«Aw, thank you sweetie,» I said and turned around to kiss him gratefully. «I wish you'd met them. I wish you'd met my mum, she was an odd one,» I laughed, thinking of her weird habits. «She was a total night owl, like me, and always wandered around at night in her nightdress and big, woolly socks. While doing crosswords or knitting. She had this amazing ability to do fifteen things at once, she could knit while reading a book and talk to her sister on the phone while keeping half an eye on the telly.»
«Like mother like daughter, eh?» James chortled.
«I do not have old ladies' nightdresses!» I protested.
«But the rest of it sounds just like you.»
«Okay, fair enough, you have a point.»
«Do you think your mum would've liked me?» James asked.
«Yeah, definitely,» I said without hesitation, having thought about it many times. «She liked people who were themselves, people who were intelligent and compassionate and down-to-earth. And you are all those things. And she played the piano and liked poetry, so you'd have things in common. She hated people who were fake or shallow or narrow-minded. Yeah, she'd definitely like you. As long as you were prepeared to play cards with here while drinking coffee and smoking all night.»
«I could have done that,» James said with a little laugh.
«And, she was born in -54, so she was only nine years older than you! I bet you could've shared some memories from ye olden days,» I added with a giggle. James rolled his eyes exasperatedly.
«Gee, thanks for making me feel ancient!» He huffed, but then he broke out into a smile, revealing that he hadn't been offended at all. Cupping his face in my hands I pulled his face down to mine for a kiss.
«I really wish they could've met you. I would have been so proud to be able to call you mine,» I whispered with a smile.
«I wish I could have met them too. So I could've thanked them for taking care of you and making you into the amazing person you are,» James replied, and I almost went weak at the knees.
«And I wish I could hear things like that without sobbing like a damn girl!» I complained, blinking back a few tears. James smiled and shook his head at me a little, then spun me around and wrapped his arms around me again. Then he pointed upwards to where the lanterns were floating high above the sea in the middle of the bay, far away. They seemed almost stationary, just two glowing shapes suspended in the air. We stood and watched in silence for a long time as the lanterns soared ever higher and further away. With the sun long gone the air had gone chilly, and since I had almost acclimatised to the warmer climate it made me shiver.
«We should head back,» James said quietly. «You're getting cold and we have to get up early in the morning.»
«Mm, I know,» I sighed a little sadly. I hadn't wanted the holiday to end, and I especially hadn't wanted this night to end. But now that it was inevitably coming to a close, I felt happy and content. Our trip had been amazing, and this nigth had been the perfect ending to it. With an effort I tore my eyes away from the two lanterns in the distance and turned around to James. «Come on, lets go back. Just know that you're getting sex tonight,» I added warningly. James' eyes widened in pleasant surprise.
«Oh really?»
«Oh yes, really. A surprise dinner like this one makes you deserving of as much cuddling and sex as you could possibly want,» I laughed.
«I would take you right here, but the sand would be a nightmare,» James laughed back. He grabbed one of the torches that were dug into the sand and his free hand found mine, then we went back to the bungalow and our last night on Bali.
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