Chapter 30

When I woke up it was daylight, and James was sitting on the edge of my bed with his back against me. I wasn't sure what had caused me to wake up, if he'd tried to wake me or if he'd been there for hours. His hair was a mess of tangles and he was in just a t-shirt and his boxers. Out of habit I stretched out an arm and ran it down his back.

«Hey...» I said groggily. He turned around to face me, leaning on one arm as he leaned over me, looking tired and sad.

«You should go,» James said simply. My mind was still muddled by sleep. Go? What did he mean by that? Did he want me to leave? Was he throwing me out?

«Go...?» I repeated stupidly.

«Yeah, you should go to Rwanda,» he said mildly. All the hostility from the previous night was gone from his eyes. «I think you should go, take the chance... Accept the job offer.»

«And... If I did that, what would happen to... us?» I asked quietly, sitting up slightly by leaning on my elbows.

«I would be right here, waiting for you.»

«Really...? I.. Why?» It was a stupid question, but the only one I could think of.

«Because it's the only thing I can do. Because I love you. My hair will probably have gone white with worry, but I'll be here. Missing you,» he said, his eyes already full of longing. Then he patted my arm and made to get up from bed.

«Hey, where are you going?» I asked, holding him back by seizing his wrist.

«I thought you might not want me here... You didn't come to bed last night, but went here in stead...» he said unhappily.

«Only because you were snoring like a trucker!» I said with a laugh. «Stay here with me? Please?» I desperately needed to hold him, and to my relief he slipped under my duvet and inched right up to me, resting his head on my shoulders. We wrapped arms around each other and I kissed his forehead.

«I'm sorry about last night...» He mumbled.

«Which bit?» I asked, knowing I was a little mean.

«All of it. I'm sorry that I just... left. And for staying out so late. And getting drunk. And shouting at you. Mostly I'm sorry about that, I was... an arse.»

«Hmm,» I agreed. «But at least you were an honest arse at, and I appreciate honesty. I didn't expect you to be exactly happy about it, but... The things you said last night, I wish you could've told me those things without being drunk.»

«I wish I had, too. I'm sorry, I was...»
«An arse,» I repeated and we chuckled a little. «But what made you change your mind?»

«Because... I realised this is your dream, Emily. I've been so lucky in my life, I've gotten to fulfill so many of my dreams. Dreams are important, they're what makes us tick. If you have the chance to fulfill a dream, you should take it. I don't want to stand in the way of the dreams of the woman I love. That's not the kind of man I want to be.» At first I was stunned into silence, stunned by how amazing James was. Then I wondered if I truly would be able to go at all, to be away from James, even if it only was for three months. Or maybe six.

«But...» I began, fighting with a bottom lip that was increasingly trembling again. «You're my dream, too, James,» I warbled. «Which makes this so fucking hard.»

«But I'll be here when you come back, I'm not going anywhere» he said, leaning on one elbow and looking down at me. He gave me a long kiss, slightly ruined by the fact that he tasted of stale cigarettes. Then he rested his head on my shoulder again. «The water and the pills, was that you?»

«No, it was the faeries from the anti-hangover task force,» I said dryly and rolled my eyes. James chuckled a little.

«Thank you,» he said and kissed the skin on my shoulder. «You're too good to me.»

«Sorry for going to sleep in here...» I shrugged, feeling like I also needed to make some apologies. «But you were snoring so. Very. Loudly. I swear the nearest seismograph wobbled.»

«Ha-ha, funny woman...» he mumbled sarcastically.There was a long silence where I just caressed James' back lightly with my fingertips, enjoying his weight and his warmth against me. «When would you have to leave for Rwanda?» He mumbled drowsily.

«Next monday, so little over a week...» I said quietly. «If I agree to go, that is. But I haven't decided yet.»

«No?» James sounded surprised by this.

«No, I haven't. And even if you've said it's okay, that you'll be here and support me... that doesn't make this any easier. Because going there would still mean being away from you. And right now I feel like I need a break from thinking about it, my brain has been in fifth gear since yesterday morning. I just want to... lie here and hold you. And sleep some more. Can we do that?» James didn't answer. He was already asleep with his head on my chest. I kissed his forehead and tried to relax, wanting to follow James into sleep. All this frantic thinking and all these emotions had made me exhausted, and I had slept very badly all night. The fact that James had said I should go, that he would support me and wait for me didn't change anything. I honestly thought that it would, that if I could just get him to understand and give me his blessing, making the choice to take the job would be an easy one. This meant I could have both things I wanted, didn't it? I could go to Rwanda, back to Africa and live out a dream I'd had for years. And I would have James waiting for me when I got back. But I found myself just as undecided and confused as I had been last night. Maybe even more so. I sighed loudly, deciding that if I couldn't make up my mind anyway I might as well sleep a little. Gently I slipped my hand under James' t-shirt, caressing the skin on his back. I focused on listening to his deep, slow breaths, and the comforting sound carried me off to sleep.

James was gone when I woke up, but I heard him clattering downstairs in the kitchen. It was late in the day and I had slept very heavily with James next to me again. The sleep had cleared my head a little, making it easier to think. But I still hadn't decided what to do. I stayed in bed, listening to the birds chirping and the city-noises, staring out at a blue May-sky dotted with fluffy, white clouds. The door opening tore me out of my preoccupied thoughts and I looked around just to see James backing into the room balancing a large tray.

«Great, you're awake!» He exclaimed. Then he gestured with his head towards the tray. «Breakfast! Though it's more like lunch, really. » James carefully put the tray down next to me on the bed, then sat down. «I had a go at making your pancakes. I'm not sure how they turned out though...» he said a little apologetically, and sat down on the bed.

«Aaw,» I crooned, looking at the stack of pancakes. The top one had a heart made out of banana-slices on it, and they looked absolutely delicious. James had showered and shaved, and put on a colourful, stripey jumper that made him looks absolutely delicious as well. «When did you become such a soppy romantic?»

«When I met you,» he grumbled, pretending to be annoyed at his soppy self.

«Aw,» I repeated, looking up at him gratefully. I was feeling so genuinely touched I felt a lump in my throat. «Thank you, sweetheart... This looks great!You know, I'm not sure anyone has ever made me breakfast in bed before.»

«Then it was about bloody time,» he smiled, having a sip of his tea. Childishly I grabbed my phone off the nightstand, took a photo of the heart-pancake and tweeted it. James had gotten me into twitter earlier in the year, and I'd gotten addicted. We followed each other on there and occasionally tweeted each other, but it was mostly just poking fun at each other and nothing romantical. Because James and I had kept so quiet about our relationship during our first six weeks together, rumors of it had never hit the tabloids. Not even Jezza or Richard had known about it back then. Now they knew, along with people like Colin and my friend Cathy, but they also knew to keep quiet. James and I knew our relationship would become known some day and it would be written about in the papers. Being with James it was so easy to forget that he was part of a TV-show that had hundreds of millions of viewers around the world, that he was a public figure and that people would be interested in who he was dating. James often got off easy when it came to the tabloids, Jezza and Richard stuck their necks out much more than he did and they got a lot more attention in the media, whether they wanted to or not. Which suited James just fine, he preferred the quiet life. But both of us knew that when somoene got wind of the fact that James had a girlfriend, a woman who had even moved in with him, it would make the headlines. Hence we tread very carefully when it came to things like Twitter and other public places. Even so, I couldn't keep myself from proudly posting a photo of my heart-pancake.

«Perfect man makes perfect breakfasts. #TheWayToAWomansHeartIsThroughHerStomach.» I put the phone down and dove into the pancakes, humming loudly. James watched me nervously, as if he was worried I'd spit them out again and exclaim how horrible they were. «I think you might be assigned new Pancake Chief,» I announced when I found the time to speak again. «How's that for a title? Captain Slow and Superior Pancake Chief!» I waved the fork in a complicated twirl. James chuckled, busy with his own food. «Is this your new tactic to try and convince me not to go to Africa?» I smirked, raising an eyebrow at him. «Coming in here all... fresh and handsome, making me romantic breakfasts in bed?» James looked up from his food, smiling at me a little sadly.

«Mno, this is me just trying to apologise for yesterday... And, I've been gone for four days, I've missed you and wanted to do something nice, give you some attention...» I tilted my head and gave him a long, loving look.

«Thank you, sweetie..» I said, tucking strand of hair behind his ear.

«But if it was part of a tactic, would that work?» He asked hopefully.

«Maybe,» I admitted. «You're not making it any easier for me, that's for sure.»

«Good,» he nodded and stuffed the last bit of his pancake in his mouth.

When we'd finished our breakfast I carefully pushed the tray to the far end of the bed and sat closer to James, wrapping my arms around him.

«Thank you for an excellent breakfast,» I whispered in his ear and rewarded him with a long kiss. He didn't taste of stale beer and fags anymore, but of pancakes and maple syrup and tea.

«There's something else I want to apologise for...» James said quietly.

«What's that?» I ran a hand over his hair.

«Last night, I... I said I hated being so dependent on you, that I hated needing you so much. And I don't, I don't hate it. But I'm not used to it, and it just makes me feel.. vulnerable. I guess I know what you mean now, when you talk about how scary it is to get so close to someone and feeling like you need them.» He looked down at his own hands as he fiddled nervously with them in his lap.

«I know, James..» I sighed, running my hand over his hair again. «Feeling vulnerable, risking that you might be hurt or lose someone... That's the price we pay for bonding with people, feeling truly connected to them, for loving them and letting them love you back. But we do it anyway, because we need each other.» James looked up from his hands, his eyes found mine and he nodded a little. Then he leaned in and took my lips in a tender kiss.

«Do you have any plans today?»

«Me? No, no plans. I was hoping I could spend all day with you, really. I've missed you.» I buried my face against his neck, taking in the smell of his aftershave.

«Good, I'd like that too.» I could hear in his voice that he was smiling. «What do you want to do today?»

«It's such a pretty day outside, take me on a motorcycle ride?» I asked, looking up at him. James looked a little surprised. «If you want me on the back of your bike, that is.»

«Yeah? You'd like that?» He asked a little incredulously.

«Of course I would! My dad and brother had bikes, remember? I loved going on rides with them. As long as my brother kept both wheels on the road, that is,» I added with a shudder, reliving some traumatic memories.

«I promise, absolutely no wheelies,» James chuckled and kissed my hair. When he spoke agian he sounded excited like a little kid. «That's a perfect idea, lets do that! But you need a helmet and some clothes. Everything I have is too big for you. I could check with Colin, maybe you could borrow his wife's gear, you two are about the same size. I think.» He fished his phone out of his pocket and quickly called Colin. They quickly arranged for James to drive over and pick up the things I needed, then he hung up. «I know this great route we can drive. It'll take about 4-5 hours, we'll drive almost down to Guildford, then through Dorking and right past Box Hill. We'll go nearly past Gatwick too, actually. We'll go as far south as Crowborough then drive up to London again. I've driven it a few times with Colin, its' nice.»

«Sounds good,» I nodded. Seeing how excited and happy James was made me smile from ear to ear. «Do you think my arse can handle over 4 hours on a bike, though?»

«If my arse can handle it, yours definitely can! Your arse is 22 years younger than mine!» He said firmly and I laughed. «We'll have some breaks along the way, stop somewhere and have some food, maybe. I better get going over to Colin's,» he said.

«All right. I'll clear this up and have a shower while you're gone,» I said and gave him a peck on the cheek. In stead of getting out of bed as I had expected him to do, James wrapped his arms around me and laid back on the bed, pulling me on top of him. «This isn't how you get to Colin's,» I pointed out.

«Shut up,» he smiled, burying both hands on my hair and pulling my face to his. He took my lips in a needy, drawn-out kiss that made my heart beat faster in my chest. I returned his kisses, feeling myself getting more and more carried away, slipping my tongue against his. Suddenly James stopped kissing me then sat up.

«Going to Colin's now,» he said determinedly and got up from the bed. There was an evil, teasing smirk on his face, he knew exactly what he had started. I huffed with frustration.

«Meanie,» I said, pretending to sulk a little. James saw right through me and chuckled.

«Be back in twenty.» A quick kiss, then he was gone. I sighed, trying to clear my head and body of the want and need James' kisses had stirred in me. I brought the tray downstairs and tidied up, then had a quick shower, excited about going on our bike ride.