Chapter 35

For the past month James had been extremely busy making a new season of Man Lab in addition to the studio shoots down in Guildford, and I had been just as busy trying to get to grips with my new job. He had long workdays and sometimes had to go away for a day or two. And I was doing a shift rotation, working days, evenings and graveyard shifts. I had been unemployed and living the lazy life for over a month, and getting back into work life was a lot harder than I thought, suddenly my life was reduced to work and sleep. I also had so much to learn I felt like a nurse student again, and the stress of it was taking its toll even if I knew this was only a transitional period and I'd get into it soon enough. Thankfully a senior nurse named Wendy had taken a liking to me, so she'd taken me under her wing and was teaching me everything she knew. And trying to reassure me that I was doing fine and that I needed to ease up on myself before I had a heart attack. Apart from how stressful it was and feeling a little incompetent, I absolutely loved my new job and looked forward to when I felt more settled. On top of everything I was trying to take my 'compulsory basic training'-course which was the first step to getting my motorcycle lisence. It consisted of 5 elements involving training and riding a motorcycle, and I had to make sure that I could take these when James was busy with work or away, still wanting to keep it a secret. I also had a theory test and a final practical motorcycle test to pass.

James and I lived in the same house, but we rarely spent any time together, just passed each other in the door on our way to or from somewhere. If we did have the rare chance to just relax together, one or both of us would just fall asleep. We slept in the same bed most nights, but sometimes we didn't even have that luxury. Either James was away or I was working the nightshift. Both of us tried to pay attention to each other as best we could, just little things like a note or a text, a little gift or a card. But it wasn't nearly enough and it was wearing on both of us. James had wrapped the making of Man Lab yesterday, and would have nothing but the Top Gear filmings down at Guildford, and his writing, to focus on for a while. We agreed that we sorely needed some time together and I arranged for a few days off. The plan had been to spend an entire weekend together, just the two of us. No phones, no work, no nothing. Lock the door, unplug the phone and have the time to just be us again. The weekend should have started with a big date night, not having been on a proper date since The Aquarium.

All of this were reasons why I absolutely hated having to do what I was doing. I took a nanosecond to gather what little courage I had and dialled.

«Hello?»

«James, it's me. Listen, I am so so sorry, but something has come up, and...»

«No. Emily, don't even --» he began.

«I'm really sorry, James! You know I wouldn't do this if-»

«If it wasn't important? I know that! But aren't I important, aren't we important too?»

«Of course we are, but...» In the back of my mind I registered just how much the gender roles were switched right now, I sounded like the overworked, ambitious businessman while James sounded... well, like a big woman. But I also knew he had a point, and that he had every right to be upset. If the roles were reversed I would've been livid.

«You know, you care too fucking much, Emily, I've always said that. Sometimes I think you care more about your patients than about our relationship.» His voice was cold and angry, his reaction much stronger than I had expected it to be. Annoyance and disappointment, yes, but I hadn't expected this. His anger sparked my own.

«That is so fucking unfair, James. I haven't been the only one who has been fucking busy lately! You've been away a lot more than I have!» I hissed back. But I also knew that he had been a lot better at paying attentiont to me than I had to him.

«I told you about that, you know how my job is-» I heard how he was really riling himself up now.

«James, James, I have to go, I'm sorry.» I hung up. And ran.

Four hours later I picked up the phone and typed in a message.

«James, I am really sorry. Come to the hospital, maybe I can make you understand what was so important. I love you.» To my surprise he wrote back a few minutes later, and I was even more surprised to read that he would actually come to the hospital. I had half expected him to have locked himself in his garage, or gone out for too many pints with someone, because that was what had happened the few times we'd been angry at each other. The fact that he became angry was just him showing his frustration, I knew that now and I regretted countering his anger with more anger. It had been a stressful month for both of us and we just desperately needed to relax and be together. We agreed that he would send a text when he was at the hospital. Twenty minutes later the text came, and I typed a quick response. Then I pressed a button and Wendy came running after a minute.

«Yes, love?» She said in a carrying whisper.

«Hey, could you do me a favour? James is coming by. Could you take the elevator down to the lobby, find him and bring him up here? I'm kind of... stuck here...» I asked in the same whisper.

«Ooh, is James coming?» She grinned, perking up. Wendy and I had become friends over the month I'd been working here, we'd talked about our private lives and I had told her about James. She had been itching to meet him ever since.

«Yeah...» I said, unable to stop myself from smiling at her hopeful look. She perked up even more, nodded eagerly and ran out of the room. Finally I heard foosteps and Wendy jabbering in a voice that became more and more quiet the closer she got.

«She's in there,» was the last thing I heard her whisper, then James emerged in the doorway. He froze, eyes widening a little as he tried to take in what he was seeing. I was in a dimly lit room, half-lying in a high-backed rocking chair with my feet up on a puff. My chest and stomach was almost completely covered in blankets, with a few tubes and wires sticking out of it. Tentatively James took a few steps into the room, still eyeing my curiously.

«It's okay, come on,» I whispered and smiled mildly at him. Encouraged by this he gingerly crossed the room and sank quietly down on a chair next to mine. «Hello,» I whispered. We made eye-contact, and I saw his eyes crinkle as he gave me a little smile.
«Hello,» he answered, also whispering. Then his eyes turned to what from a distance had seemed to be nothing but a pile of colourful blankets draped over my chest. But from under it something wrinkly and red-ish pink was barely visible. Gently I pulled the blanket down a little bit, giving James a better view.

«Meet babygirl,» I said. On cue the little bundle yawned widely then waved her arm around clumsily a few times. Then she slept again. I folded the blanket over her, keeping just her little face visible. James gaped at the little baby, part horrified and part fascinated. His eyes travelled from the baby and up to me, then back again. I sighed and began explaining in hushed tones. «Last night her mother was in a hit and run, she was barely alive when she was found. The mum was young, and they decided to do an emergency cesarian to increase the chances that the woman would survive, even if the baby might not. Sadly, there were some complications and she died while the baby survived. Nobody knows who the mother was, she was most likely here as an illegal immigrant under a false identity. Maybe from an eastern european country, Czech republic, Romania, they don't know. Police hasn't been able to get in touch with anyone who knows anything about her, her family, who the father might be...» My voice trailed off as the little bundle squirmed a little.

«Wow, that's...» James looked down at the sleeping, wrinkly little red face, unable to put into words what he thought it was.

«They think she was about 34 weeks pregnant, so this baby was born 6 weeks early. Normally that would give her good odds, but the mum seemed malnourished so the baby is smaller than she ought to be. We worked all through the morning, trying to keep her stable and alive, but she was just... fading away. Heart rate, oxygen levels, body temperature, everything was slowly going down. She was just dying, giving up. That was why I had to hang up on you earlier, we thought she was crashing. Sorry...» I said, feeling ashamed.

«Oh, right...» James said, obviously not knowing what else to say.

«Anyway, I just... couldn't bear it, to see her lie all alone in that... plastic box with nothing but tubes and wires for company. No mummy or daddy around to care that she was slipping away. If she was going to die I...» I swallowed hard now, trying not to get emotional. «I.. wanted to make her feel like she wasn't completely alone in the world, you know? I wanted her to feel some warmth and closeness before she died. All she's had since she was born has been.. pokes and prods and medical equipment. She'd barely been touched by another human. So I took her out of the incubator and sat down with her, took off my nurses' tunic and laid her on my chest under all these blankets. And somehow... long, awful minutes turned into hours, and she was just.. clinging on. The doc said it might have saved her. The body heat, the feeling of skin, hearing a heartbeat like she would have in the womb...» James looked at the unmoving baby on my chest for a long time, studying her.

«You... saved her life,» he said after a long silence. The way he said it I knew he understood what I had so desperately wanted him to understand, why this was so important.

«Maybe. Hopefully... See, this was why I had to stay here. It might just have been coincidence, but this might also have saved her. I just couldn't leave, knowing she might die. If this really is the only reason why she is still alive, me sitting here like this... I couldn't take that risk. There's fewer people on duty in the evenings and nights, they don't have time to just sit here all the time with her.» James' eyes had been on the baby while I had talked, and he only raised his eyes to meet mine when I stopped talking. The look he gave me was understanding and warm. «Listen, James, I am really sorry, though...» I began. He waved me down.

«Ssh, don't apologise, you don't have to. I mean, how can I be even slightly cross with you, you've saved a babies life for crying out loud...» He rolled his eyes, pretending to be exasperated. «I just... miss you. I know it sounds ridiculous, because we live together and we see each other nearly every day, but...» His voice trailed off. I was amazed that he still became shy and insecure when talking about his feelings.

«I miss you too, sweetie. So much. I'd been looking forward to tonight. You're the most important thing in my life, and I'm sorry if I made you doubt that-»
«Shut up,» James breathed with a smile on his face. «I didn't mean that, I was just being a moody...»

«Woman?» I supplied.

«Yes,» he nodded, chuckling a little. Then his eyes fell back to the baby, he seemed mesmerized by her.

«Here, look,» I whispered and lifted the blanket so he could see all of her, her tiny bent little arms and legs, the tiny diaper that looked so huge on her, her wrinkly skin that looked like it was flaking. «That's a feeding tube, she's too little to be able to take a bottle long enough to eat what she needs,» I explained, pointing at the thin little tube coming out of her nose. «And that thing is a sensor that measures her vitals – heart rate, body temperature, oxygen levels...» I continued, gesturing to a band strapped around her foot connected to a wire.

«She looks... unfinished,» James observed.

«That's because she IS, silly,» I whispered with a little chuckle, putting the blanket down again but leaving her head and one arm exposed. «She came out way too early! I'm sorry we have to talk in a whisper like this, but preemies like this are very sensitive to stimuli – sound, light, touch...» I began explaining. «Their nerve endings aren't finished yet so they can't process it. She's only used to hearing things from inside the tummy.You can touch her, though, you know,» I said challengingly. «Put a finger or a hand on her and keep it there.» Timidly James looked from me to the baby and back again, seemingly torn between curiosity and fright. Then he stretched out a hand and gently touched the back of her curled-up hand, his finger seeming absolutely enormous against her little fist. She flexed her fingers a little and moved her arm, and James retracted his hand hurriedly, obviously worried that he'd been to heavy-handed. «No, no, don't worry. Do it again, see what happens.» I said mildly. James did as I said, albeit a little unwillingly, barely touching her hand with the tip of his finger. She flailed her arm again and instinctively flexed her fingers a few times. After a few attempts she got it right and her little fingers curled around James'. Her hand was so tiny she only managed to wrap her fist around half of his finger. I smiled as I saw her settle again and fall back asleep, James' finger in a secure grasp. «See? Grasping reflex. Good girl!» I cheered in hushed whispers. James looked at me, gaping and wide-eyed.

«How can something be this miniscule and still... be functional?»

«Humans are pretty amazing,» I pointed out. A silence fell as James studied the tiny human holding his finger. He seemed in awe, tense and a little scared, almost reverential. But I could see something else in him too, something warm and tender.

«What'll happen to her?» He asked after a while.

«If the police can't find any relatives she'll be put up for adoption. That is, if she survives. They've started looking for suitable parents already, fosterparents with the chance to adopt, mainly. But it might not be easy, not many are willing to take on a premature baby, especially when so little is known about her family. Premature babies are more at risk of infection, of getting disabilities, they need extra care.. She is negative for HIV and hepatitis at least, which is something.»

«I hope they find someone...» He said quietly, not taking his eyes off the little baby girl.

«I know, me too,» I sighed. «If she's going to have any chance of developing into a normal and healthy baby she needs someone to be here with her, to sit with her like this. Human contact, bonding... I think I might have to stay here tonight, until I can be sure that she remains stable in the incubator.»

«Okay...» James said, still transfixed by the little hand clutching his finger. «Should I pick some things up for you? Do you need anything?»

«I need you to not be angry with me,» I asked gently. James tore his eyes from the baby and looked up at me, a little surprised. Then he smiled mildly.

«I'm not angry. Not at all. And I'm sorry about earlier....»

«It's okay, you had a right to be upset. I promise I'll make it up to you.»

«Mm okay,» James said with a sly little smirk. «Sure you don't need anything?»

«Can I have a kiss?» I asked innocently. He leaned in, careful not to disturb the little bundle on my chest. I hummed into his kiss, realising just how much I missed our closeness. A gentle rapping on the doorframe made us break apart.

«Sorry to interrupt,» Wendy whispered with an embarrassed, yet teasing little smirk. «Just wanted to remind you; feeding time in about ten.»

«Already? Wow. Thanks, Wendy,» I smiled at her, and she disappeared again. «Every third hour, like clockwork,» I said in answer to James raised eyebrow.

«Ah. I better get going, it's getting late and.. you have things to do,» he said, looking down at babygirl.

«Yeah, being a human incubator,» I chortled. «I'll be home in the morning, after people have come in for the dayshift. Okay?»

«Okay, sweetie.» He smiled and his eyes glittered in the dimly lit room. Then he turned his attention to the little baby again. «I'm sorry, but I'm going to need this finger back, little miss...» he said softly, carefully trying to pry his finger out of her grasp without disturbing her too much. But the loss of something to grip along with what I suspected was hunger caused her to squirm and then cry in that high-pitched, almost unearthly cry that only premature babies can make. The sound was incredibly loud and intense compared to the silent, hushed tones of our conversation. I held her a little tighter as I sat up a little and rocked her gently.

«Aaaw, was that finger really so important? You're a needy little bugger, aren't you?» I soothed in a soft voice. Then I looked up at James who seemed a little unhappy that she was crying because of him. «She's just fussy because she's hungry,» I explained, soothing James as well. «Now go on, get home. I'll see you in the morning, yeah?» James nodded, then cupped my cheek with his hand and gave me a long, soft kiss.

«You are just... an amazing human being, you know that?» He whispered.

«So are you.»

«No, I'm not. I don't save tiny babies,» he said with a crooked little smile, shrugging a little.

«That isn't a prerequisite,» I smiled. James gave me another gentle kiss then got up from his chair. Before leaving he kissed the top of my head. «Goodnight, sweetie. See you in the morning.»