Chapter 38

It took another week before the happy news finally came: they had found suitable parents. And it took me about five minutes to go from feeling happy about it to very suspicious. Who were they? How did they live, what did they do for work? These were of course questions that the authorities and adoption people had already asked. At least I sincerely hoped so. Since I had been so involved with this particular case I would be the one to greet the new parents, tell them the baby's story and inform them of what most likely was ahead. Babygirl wouldn't be let out of the hospital until we were sure that she could manage to drink what she needed on her own from a bottle and had reached a certain weight. When they came home they had to give her special multivitamins and fish oil every day to help strengthen her weakened immune system from having been born prematurely and not having the benefits from breastmilk. She would get follow-ups at the clinic every month for her first year, at the very least. The couple listened intently, asking questions and taking notes. After well over an hour with them I felt far more at peace. They, Ben and Jo, were a young couple from St. Albans. Ben had a steady, well-paid job in a computer company and Jo was a nurse, making me think of her as a like-minded person. They told me she was unable to have children because she'd had cancer and they'd had to surgically removed her reproductive organs. My heart went out to her, they were both only 29 and I couldn't even imagine how hard that must've been to lose that opportunity when they both wanted kids. Being able to take them to see her for the first time was an emotional moment. It warmed my heart to see the baby lie on her new mother's chest for the first time, and to see how genuinely overjoyed her new parents were to have her in their lives.

«You were right,» I muttered to James out of the corner of my mouth. It was a warm summers afternoon and we'd decided to have our dinner outside in the little back garden. The sun was setting and now hidden by the buildings surrounding us, but the air was still warm and pleasant. Both were slumped in garden chairs and I had my feet in James' lap like I always did. He was immersed in a book and I half hoped he hadn't heard.

«Right about what?» He asked, not taking his eyes off the page.

«About how they would eventually find adoptive parents for babygirl. I met them today.» At this James tore his eyes up from the book.

«Can it be noted that I am resisting the urge to say 'I told you so'?» He said smugly.

«Technically, you just said it,» I pointed out, raising a finger at him.

«Incorrect. I just stated that I am resisting the urge to say it,» he argued, pointing back at me.

«Yes yes, whatever, you're incredibly pedantic and I am a hysterical and ridiculous woman and so on,» I moaned, waving my irritably hand at him. «Gloating doesn't suit you, May,» I added sourly. James chortled, deciding to let it go.

«But that's good, isn't it? How were they? Did you like them?» James put the book down and looked at me with interest.

«Of course! It's great, in fact. And yeah, I did like them,» I admitted, showing a little of my own surprise. «They seemed like good people, bright and kind. They own a house, have a garden, have good jobs... But most importantly, they really want this, you know? They've wanted a baby for so long, and their option to have any on their own was taken away from them. And it felt amazing to be able to help them with that.»

«I can imagine it did,» James said with a warm smile, caressing my leg. «But that's good, sweetheart. It's a happy ending, right?»

«Yeah,» I nodded, fiddling a little with my own hands before adding: «they named her today, too.»

«Oh, yeah?»

«Yeah, they... Ben and Jo, I talked to them for a long while, telling them what had happened to the baby's mother and everything. They talked to the doctor who has been following up her case, I guess he told them how much I've been involved with her, because later they asked... if they could name her after me.» I looked down at my own, fiddling hands, having to swallow hard to try and chase away the lump in my throat. But I was also smiling shyly. Their wish to name her after me had made me genuinely touched. I felt proud and humbled by it, almost embarrassed. I guess it was their way of saying thank you, a recognition of how important they felt that I had been in this little girls' life.

«Really? They're naming her Emily?» James asked excitedly, sitting up a little straighter in his chair.

«Yeah, I think they are,» I said, feeling how my treacherous jaw was beginning to tremble out of control. James saw how emotional I was becoming and gave my knee a squeeze.

«Happy tears?» He asked, being able to tell the difference by now. I nodded, giving a sound somewhere between a chuckle and a sob. James aaw'ed at me, tilting his head as he looked at me, a little amused at my emotional outburst. «You know, I agree with them. I think they did the right thing, deciding to name her after you. As odd as it sounds, you deserve that much.»

«Thanks, hon,» I sniffed. «It's an odd feeling, very... humbling. But mostly I'm just relieved and happy that she has someone now, someone who can give her a good life.»

Ben and Jo practically moved into the hospital, slowly taking over the duty of changing and feeding 'baby Emily', as she now was called. Jo had made a big and bright nametag by her bed to match the ones the other babies had. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, I hadn't been aware of just how heavily the fate of this girl had weighed on my mind. It also dawned on me how preoccupied I had been, and how that had affected my relationship with James. I had been far more unattentive towards him than I had realised, and I made an effort to make it up to him. We had another attempt at a fancy dinner date, and with much better results. And I continued with my motorcycle training behind his back, which was harder to do now that he wasn't so busy as he had been during the making of Man Lab. I even realised that it was actually high summer outside and found the opportunity to enjoy it a little. James and I went for walks along the Thames, had a picnic in the park or just enjoyed the sunshine and a pint somewhere in the city. It was the first time I felt remotely relaxed and together since I started working again.

Inevitably, and 6 weeks after she was born, baby Emily was discharged, ready to go to her new home in St. Albans with her parents. No matter how much I thought I had prepared mentally for that, it still came as a bit of a shock to see her strapped in her carseat and be carried out of the ward. She had never been outside in her entire life. And considering she weighed about twice what she did when she was born, she still seemed so tiny. She had become a part of my life, at least my work life, and suddenly she just wasn't there. Ben and Jo had given me their contact info, and I had given mine in return. They wanted to keep in touch and I was glad that they wanted to.

After having seen baby Emily and her new family off I made my way home, trying to ignore that i felt anything but normal. James was out on some business dinner, discussing ideas for a second series on Toy Stories and I knew he wouldn't be home for another few hours at least. I didn't feel like cooking just for myself and made myself a lazy sandwich and found a few chocolate bars. Disinterested I flicked through channel after channel, feeling restless. I wanted James home, I wanted a distraction, someone to talk to. Giving up on the TV I grabbed the iPad and wasted a good hour playing games on it and writing a few e-mails to friends and family I had been bad at keeping up with lately. Finally I heard James at the front door. Appearing in the doorway he smiled at me, smartly dressed in light jeans, a shirt with a colorful paisley pattern on it and a grey jacket. He deposited his phone and fag-packet on the table, then leaned down to give me a kiss while supporting himself on the armrest.

«Hello,» he smiled in his typical James-ish manner.

«Welcome home, hon.» I did an honest effort at retuning the smile, then put the iPad away. James slumped down on the sofa and rested his back heavily against my chest, sighing a little. I wrapped an arm around him and he hummed as I kissed the side of his cheek. «Long day?»

«Long dinner!» He complained.

«Oh? I thought you liked these kinds of meetings? Discussing ideas, planning and organising...?»

«Yeah, I do. Up to a certain point. But then they got into the boring bits. Legal stuff, filming permissions, health and safety... I wanted to stab myself in the eye with my cocktail stick.»

«Oh well, I guess you'll have to sit through the boring bits before you can go and play with toys in front of the camera,» I said, not really giving him much sympathy. «What is it you're playing with this time?» James excitedly launched in to a long and eager rant about they toys they might cover in this series, everything from etch-a-sketches to green army men to rocket balloons. It always amazed me how wonderfully childish and passionate James could be about things like old toys, it always seemed to take him right back to his childhood. He had very romantic ideas about childhood, about learning things, about it shaping who you become as a person, about your imagination and creativity running free. I loved that side of him, loved seeing him gesticulating and babbling happily while his eyes glittered. But now that he was here, now that I had a distraction and someone to talk to, I just wanted to be alone. «You should make one on space hoppers,» I suggested less than enthusiastically. «Make a giant one. Or have a space hopper race. Space hopper road trip?» James narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing me for any sign of sarcasm or mockery.

«Thanks for the input, but.... No.»

«Or Barbies. Make a life-sized one!» I persisted. James raised a finger and opened his mouth just as I came to what I guessed was the same conclusion. «On second thought, no, someone already did that, you can buy them at the sex shop.»

«Er... exactly,» James chuckled. The iPad made a pling and I picked it up and began reading an e-mail reply from my sister. James watched me for a little, wondering if chat time was over. Then he got bored and flicked on the TV. I busied myself with the gadget for as long as I could. «So, how was your day, then?» James asked after a long silence.

«Oh, you know. Just... a day,» I said evasively, not taking my eyes off the iPad. I could feel James' stare as he waited for me to elaborate. «You know! Normal!» I persisted, a little annoyed.

«How's baby Emily?» He asked, deciding to drag the specifics out of me.

«She's good.» I said bluntly, still refusing to look up at him. Telling him that she had left the hospital today wasn't an option, I just couldn't talk about it. Inwardly I was begging for him to drop the subject.

«Good...» James said hesitantly, sensing that I wasn't in a sharing mood. Silence fell again. I was still pretending to read something on the iPad but the mention of baby Emily had been enough to rattle me. I wondered how she was doing. What her nursery looked like. If they'd get her to sleep in her own bed the first night at home. «You're being very quiet tonight?» James broke the silence again. That was it. I needed to get away.

«Yeah, I know, I'm just... I'll go have a lie down,» I said mysteriously. Putting the iPad down I got out of the sofa and left the living room without even looking at James, I couldn't. I quickly made my way upstairs, relieved to not hear James' footsteps chasing after me. I didn't turn on any lights, but crossed the room and sank down on top of the bedsheets, fully clothed. I lay staring into the darkness, fighting with myself and my emotions. I tried rationalizing, I tried arguing with myself, being strict, but nothing worked. Mostly I just felt embarrassed, even ashamed, unprofessional. All night I had trying to ignore how upset I was, and I just couldn't anymore.

A little while later I heard James' footsteps heading towards the bedroom. His silhouette temporarily darkened the doorway, blocking out the light from the corridor. He saw my shape lying on the bed and didn't turn on any light, just walked over to the bed and climbed into it, inching closer to me. Part of me wanted to shout at him, shout that I wanted to be alone, that I didn't want him there and that he should go away. In the dark I felt his arm close around me and his hand running over my hair gently. He didn't say anything, he just knew that this was what I needed, even if I didn't want it. And that was all it took to make my walls crumble. My face grew hot as my eyes burst with tears, I gave a loud sob and burrowed my face into James' chest. I clung desperately to him as my body shook with grief. «Oh, honey, it's all right....» James just held me gently, running his hand calmly over my head and down my back, over and over again. Every now and again he kissed my forehead or spoke softly to me in an effort to soothe my crying. A few times I sobbed so hard I lost my breath and had to gasp for air. «Ssssh, Emily... Breathe,» He said calmly but I could hear the concern in his voice. Even though James' calmness could infuriate me sometimes, right now I was grateful for it. Pent up emotions were threatening to tear me apart, everything was chaos and he was the perfect opposite to that, he was my calming center. James' soothing and exhaustion eventually caused my sobs to die down. He waited patiently for my sobs to stop completely and for my breathing to ease down, caressing my back all the while. Then he spoke.

«This is about baby Emily, isn't it.» It wasn't a question, it was a statement. It wasn't what I had expected him to say, I wouldn't have thought that James would know what was going on. «She was discharged today, wasn't she? I didn't remember it earlier, I'm sorry, I know you told me it would be today,» he apologised. I just nodded a little, my face still cradled against James' chest. He said nothing, just waited patiently for me to begin talking. I knew he didn't want to push me. I drew a heavy, ragged sigh and pulled back from James' chest a little. When I began talking my voice was hoarse and strange from crying.

«I shouldn't be feeling this way, James. I shouldn't feel upset or sad, I don't have any right to be. It's not my place. It's unprofessional. I'm a nurse and baby Emily was just my patient, she was never mine, I knew that. And she was never going to be. I knew she was going home someday, that they would find a couple to adopt her and that she'd be discharged. And I thought I was prepared for it, I tried preparing for it. But seeing her go... Still felt like a punch in the stomach. It's embarrassing, James, having become so attached to her. I became too involved. Maybe I shouldn't have this job, maybe I should...» My voice trailed off. The more I spoke the more I realised that I blamed myself, that this was all my own fault. I had kid myself into believeing that I had been sensible about this, that I had kept a somewhat professional approach to baby Emily. It's amazing how much you can trick yourself and be in denial about your own emotions.

«Emily... I know I've before said that you care too much, but in this particular case I really can't blame you,» James said after a moments thought. His voice was mild and forgiving. «And I don't think anyone else would, either. Cases like these aren't exactly everyday occurences... I can't imagine that anyone would manage to stay completely professional and detached working with a case like this. Least of all you. You spent night after night with her, keeping her alive just with your warmth and your heartbeats.» As James spoke I felt the painful knot in my chest swell again, threatning to smother me and I felt myself starting to cry again. It felt good to have his understanding and his comfort, hearing him explain why I should ease up on myself. And it hurt to hear him talk about baby Emily. «She needed you, depended on you, and for a little while you were the only person who was there for her, who protected her. Of course you became attached to her in some way.»

«But I shouldn't have!» I said a little desperately through the tears, frustrated at myself and all my painful emotions. «God! Right now I wish I could just... turn off my feelings, just shut them off. Or at least that I had a handful of xanax,» I added bitterly. James didn't comment on this, he just wrapped his arm a little tighter around me and kissed my forehead lovingly.

«Like I've said, you care too much, sweetie. And right now, you care too much about caring too much. If that's even possible. You're always too hard on yourself. You're only human, Emily.»

«Right now I don't want to be,» I muttered sourly. James brushed some hair away from my face and looked at me through the semi-darkness, my eyes had gotten used to it now and I could see a little of him in the light seeping in from the corridor.

«Emily. This girl is alive because of you, and she has her whole life ahead of her. A young couple now have a child which they desperately wanted. You did that. She has your name, and she'll never forget you for the rest of her life, nor will her parents. And it's not like you'll never see her again, you'll be able to see her, watch her grow up. She's only 45 minutes up the road.»

«Yeah...» I mumbled, cheering up a little. James' word had made me shy and humble, for some reason it was hard to accept that it was me he was talking about.

«Stop beating yourself up, will you? You should be proud of yourself, for what you did for her. God knows I am,» he said with feeling. A half-sob escaped me.

«Stop talking or I'm going to cry again,» I squeaked.

«All right, okay, I'll stop,» he said, smiling a little in the darkness. Then he leaned in, brushing his nose gently against mine. «But I mean it, though. I am so bloody proud of you,» he said in a whisper. The sob I gave was muffled by James' lips against mine as he kissed me slowly.

«Thank you, love,» I breathed back, it was the only thing I could think of to say. Nothing I could say could really express how grateful I was to have James in my life, to have him put up with me and be so kind and understanding.

«Listen,» James began, then cleared his throat. «I have a surprise for you. I wasn't going to tell you just yet, I had it all planned out, but... I'm thinking maybe you need some cheering up. Something to look forward to.»

«Surprise?» I said, pulling back a little to look into James' eyes. It was too dark to see him properly and I reached over to turn on the bedside lamp. We both blinked a little, adjusting to the sudden light.

«Yeah...» He smiled secretively, obviously excited about his own plans.

«Well tell me, then!» I said impatiently, slapping his chest playfully.

«Not when you hit me, I won't!» He said defensively, half-laughing and pulling his arms to his chest to protect himself. I huffed and rolled my eyes. Changing tack I put my palms on his chest, caressing him gently while batting my eyelids at him, giving him my most innocent doe-eyed expression.

«Tell me, pretty please...?» I begged sweetly.

«Oh all right.» It was his turn to roll his eyes at me. I looked at him expectantly, but he still said nothing, just grinned like a cheshire cat. I was just about to open my mouth to spur him on when he began talking. «In little over two weeks, you and I are going away for sixteen days. I mean, if you fancy going to Bali...» he added, pretending to be unsure. I gaped at him, completely dumbfounded.

«... Bali?» I repeated dazedly.

«Mhm,» he nodded. «Away from the city, away from hospitals and work and meetings... If you want to come with me, that is.»

«Oh god, I would absolutely love to!» I exclaimed, wrapping my arms around him. «But... Work, I don't know if I'll be able to..» I began, frantically trying to calculate if it would be possible.

«Don't worry about it, it's already sorted.» James waved me down.

«Sorted? How?»

«I had a chat with your boss. I was very pleasant and polite and I didn't threaten her even a little!» He hastened to add, seeing my eyes widening with horror. «I just talked to her, told her that I would like to surprise you with a big holiday and 'would that at all be possible?' She said yes straight away, she thought you deserved it, just like I did.»

«So it's... sorted?» I asked stupidly.

«Yes. They've cleared the shifts you had, you'd worked up quite a bit of overtime anyway. So is that a yes, you'll come with me?» He looked at me hopefully.

«Of course I'll come with you, you daft old goat!» I said, grinning so widely my head hurt even more than it already was from crying. «Really? Bali? Just you and me?!»

«Good!» James said, smiling nearly as widely as me. «Yes, really. I think it'll do us both good. Just spending time with each other. We'll be in one of those bungalows that stick out over the blue water, with a huge hammock on the balcony... We can get you that diving license we talked about, if you want to. Have lots of good Indonesian food, see the island, enjoy the sun and the warmth...»

«Oh god, that's it, I'm packing,» I said and made to get out of bed. James held me back by wrapping his arms around me, then he rolled over on his back and pulled me after him. His arms were still clamped around me, restricting my movements.

«Whoa whoa whoa, we're not leaving for over two weeks!» He said, but smiled at my obvious, child-like excitement. «Plus, all you'll need is a bikini anyway. Will only take like, what, two seconds to pack?»

«I can't believe you did this,» I sighed happily, running a hand through his hair. «And I don't know how to even begin to thank you. Not just for this, but for everything you do for me. And everything you are to me.»

«You don't have to thank me,» he said honestly. «Just love me, and I'll be happy.»

«I do,» I replied.