Chapter 23

I sensed before even opening my eyes that James was gone. Beside me on the bed was an empty space. Panic rose inside me when I saw that James' clothes was gone from the floor as well. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard James' voice from the kitchen, obviously talking on the phone. He had probably put his clothes on so he could go get his phone out of the car. It was nearly eleven, and I stretched and yawned knowing that I hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep, and that I wasn't getting out of bed just yet. I heard James ending the conversation and his footsteps making his way back to the bedroom.

"Hello," he smiled as I saw that I was awake.

"Hey, you..." I said groggily and returned a sleepy smile. Then I stretched my arms out to him like a needy toddler. "Come back to bed." Not being hard to ask, James instantly crawled in under my duvet, still fully clothed, and snuggled up to me.

"I just talked to Hammond," he mumbled against my skin.

"Are you fired yet?" I asked cheekily.

"No..!" I heard the smirk in his voice and felt him poke me in the ribs teasingly. I curled up into a ball, terrified he was going to tickle me more, but he didn't and I relaxed. "Richard has talked to everyone, just told them I had some personal things to deal with. He said he wanted to leave it up to me how much I would want to tell everyone. The whole crew has been let loose in Cardiff, just having a fun day."

"Well, this whole thing is pretty.. personal, I guess he wanted to give you a chance to protect your privacy," I pointed out.

"Mm. But I should be back there tomorrow morning, they've just postponed filming until then. Unless you don't want me to, because then I won't go and they'll just have to make do without me," he added stubbornly, squeezing me tightly.

"No, no... You should go, it's your job. A lot of people are depending on you."

"You're too considerate," he muttered, a part of him had wanted me to not give him permission to go. "Come with me?"

"I would love to, but I have work tomorrow. It's my last day, so... How long are you filming for?"

"Just for a day. That was the plan anyway, so hopefully I'll be back by tomorrow night. But I'll have to leave tonight. Or very, very early in the morning."

"Okay," I mumbled and kissed the top of his head, sad to know he had to leave so soon. More than anything we needed time, time to be together and find each other again. But I wanted him to do his job, he loved working with Top Gear and this had already ruined enough. It was just for one day - I had been away from him for a month and a half, I could deal with one more day. "What are you going to tell everyone?" I asked out of genuine curiosity, but instantly regretted it. It could've sounded like I was out for an argument or wanted to test him.

"The truth," he said and propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at me. "That I realised I needed to go back to London to beg on my knees and apologise to a woman I love, that I had to try and get my girlfriend back before she disappeared out of my life. No more secrets, I don't want that. I've found someone, someone amazing that I'm absolutely mad about and I want everyone to know about it."

"You are awfully cute when you're gushing," I said when I regained the ability to speak. "Especially when you're gushing about me."

"I can gush about you for hours," he smirked and gave me a quick kiss, that turned into another, and then another. When we broke apart I ran my fingertips over his cheek.

"Sweetie, if I'm going to keep kissing you, you need to go have a shave! As sexy as the scruff is, if we keep this up my face is going to be rubbed raw."

"I didn't bring anything with me, and definitely not any razors," James said apologetically.

"I have a razor?"

"Which you use under your arms and between your legs!" He pointed out, frowning.

"Well..." I said with a shrug and a sly smile. "As far as I can remember, you've had your face between my legs plenty of times...?" He opened his mouth, but was stunned into silence. "Oh relax, I'm kidding. There's a brand new one in the bathroom. Now go on," I said and poked him in the chest. He sighed and rolled his yes, then scrambled out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom. I watched him go, then got to my feet and padded into the kitchen to pour myself something to drink. On my way through the living room I noticed the grey t-shirt lying on my sofa, and I snatched it up and pulled it on as I headed back to bed. When James emerged from the bathroom he looked like a new man, fresh and rosy-cheeked, it was amazing what a shave could do. The stubbles had been sexy, but this was even better.

"God, I need a haircut," he mumbled and ruffled his hair.

"No, don't, I like it that way," I smiled as he came towards me.

"Hey, I thought you gave that t-shirt back!" He said with a smirk when he spotted what I was wearing, and I just laughed. "Better?" He asked, sitting down on the edge of my bed, supporting himself on his arms as he leaned over me.

"I don't know, I have to feel for myself," I said with a smirk as I sat up. Wrapping my arms around him and weaving my fingers into his hair I pulled him in for a kiss, and gave a satisfied hum at the feel of his newly shaven skin. "Mmmmuch better," I mumbled against his lips. "Now come here." I pulled him down with me onto the bed and we nuzzled and kissed, getting used to being close again. My head rested against James' shoulder and I felt his hand run lazily up and down my back. Having had way too little sleep I felt how I relaxed more and more into him and in the end I began to blink heavily, nodding off.

"Hey, hey, hey, no sleeping," James said softly and kissed my mouth to stir me awake again.

"Muh? No?" I mumbled, disappointed.

"You and I are going out for breakfast. Lunch. Dinner? Whatever it is. Food!" He said excitedly. The prospect of having to go outside into chilly London-streets didn't seem much appealing at first, and I grumbled my disapproval. But when James crawled out of bed, taking his arms and his warmth with him, I quickly changed my mind and got up.

"I need a shower first," I mumbled and wobbled into the bathroom.  After a quick shower I got dressed quickly as we were both starving. Leaving it up to me to decide James trailed after me as I marched to my favourite local cafe, where we both ordered huge sandwiches with tonnes of chips. For a while we were far too busy tucking into food to keep up a conversation, but every now and then we looked at each other lovingly across the table, and my heart skipped a beat. Some part of me was still in shock, and that part of me also refused to relax and let go of fear and scepticism. Some mortally offended little goblin in the back of my brain kept hissing something about having been too easy on him, that I had let him back into my life too easily, what if he got scared again? I could barely comprehend that he was really here, that he was back with me. I didn't doubt or regret that I had forgiven him. But I had spent the last six weeks trying to come to terms with us being over, that I wouldn't be with him anymore. My brain just needed time to catch up with my heart. My phone made a noise that tore me out of my thoughts, and I quickly read the text I had received.

"Hammond just wanted to make sure I still hadn't killed you," I said with a half-smile as I put the phone down.

"... Did you tell him you were going to when he came to see you?" James looked a little worried, but there was something else behind the question as well, some sort of scepticism or maybe even a hint of jealousy.

"No, I didn't. I may have mentioned, however, something about wanting to punch you in the gentleman's area... Repeatedly... A bit," I shrugged apologetically, and James grimaced at the thought of it. "I don't have that urge anymore," I assured him, but he still swallowed nervously and eyed me suspiciously. "It probably seemed strange to you that Richard came to talk to me?"

"Yeah, I was a bit... surprised," he admitted, prodding a chip with his fork.

 "I was, too, when he showed up at my door. I didn't even know he knew where I lived! He told me he felt like he was going behind your back, talking to me. But he was just really... worried about you, trying to figure out what was going on. He thought maybe you were having a depression or it was something caused by hitting your head. He just wanted to help, and thought maybe I would... know something or be able to talk to you. You can't blame him, he had no way of knowing about what was going on between you and me, he just thought we were good mates and that maybe I could reach you when he couldn't."

"I don't blame him..." James said, looking awkward and unhappy. "I know I've been awful to be around lately. I've been horrible to Richard, and to Jezza, every time they asked how I was or asked me flat-out what was bothering me, I just... snapped at them, brushed them off. Mostly because I was ashamed and couldn't bring myself to tell them what a cock I'd been to you. Even I didn't sympathise with me, so why should they?"
"A mate isn't always supposed to sympathise. Sometimes he has do the opposite and give you a good, hard kick up the arse." I pointed out. "You know, except for Richard I never talked to anyone about us."

"Why didn't you?"

"I felt ashamed too, just for different reasons. I felt.. tricked, like I had been incredibly naive for letting myself get so... carried away, getting so attached. I felt stupid and embarrassed. I'm not quite sure why I told Richard, it probably wasn't the best person to talk to because it ended up putting him in the middle of all of this. I just couldn't carry it around on my own anymore, and suddenly he was there, talking about you. I thought maybe what happened between us could explain what was going on with you. And I wanted him to know why I couldn't help. They're good mates, James, and they really care about you." James looked at me thoughtfully, nodding slightly.

"Emily, why did you return that t-shirt?" He asked suddenly.

"I had two very different reasons for wanting to. At first I thought I returned it because I just wanted you, and anything that could remind me of you, out of my life. But maybe I did because I hoped it would coax some sort of response in you. That t-shirt was somehow my last connection to you, and by returning it and cutting that last thread, maybe you'd... change your mind. Or at least I'd hear something from you."

"Well, it worked," James said and reached over the table for my hand. He kissed it tenderly and raised it to his own cheek, closing his eyes at the feel of my palm.

"I guess I never entirely gave up on you ," I smiled.

"You have no idea how grateful I am that you didn't," he sighed, gave my hand another kiss and let it go. "I'm sorry making you feel... naive and ashamed. And for all the other bad things I made you feel."

"I know," I said mildly. We finished our food and headed back out into the cold London-streets, the winds were picking up again causing it to drizzle sideways. At a street corner we had to wait for a green light to cross a busy street. While waiting James hand found mine and he came closer, leaning in for a kiss. Startled I put a hand on his chest to stop him and looked around pointedly. We were out in the middle of London, in a crowded street on a Friday afternoon, a lot of people would see us.

"I don't care if someone sees us. I meant it when I said I want everyone to know about us," he said determinedly, and closed the remaining gap between us. The traffic lights started beeping while we kissed, telling the world it was safe to cross the street, but we ignored it. A gang of rowdy blokes in their early twenties passed us and cheered loudly: "you go Captain Slow!"  and we to burst into a fit of giggles. Blushing I hid my face against James jacket and he wrapped his arms around my neck to shield me. I looked up at him, still giggling.

"Thank you," I smiled and James gave me another quick kiss. We managed to hurry across the street before the light turned red again, heading back to my apartment.

"Have you decided if you're driving back tonight or tomorrow morning?" I said I took off my jacket in the hallway. James made a grimace.

"I think maybe tonight. Otherwise I'd have to leave at like.. 5am and wouldn't be able to drive back here at the end of the day," he sighed.

"Maybe you should have a nap before you leave? We didn't get that much sleep last night."

"Mm," he mumbled, hanging his own jacket on a hook on the wall, then pulled me in for a hug. "Have a nap with me?" I nodded and we crawled into bed, cold from having been outside. "I just wish I hadn't forgotten my iPod, music would at least keep me somewhat entertained," he mumbled when we'd settled against each other.

"Borrow mine? Should be something on there you can bear to listen to?"

"Can I? That would be great, thanks." I set my alarm and we were soon asleep. James grumbled and swore when I tried to drag him out of bed a few hours later. I had tried to go gentle on him but he refused to be woken up by kisses and gentle prods, in the end I had to resort to mercilessly tearing the duvet off him. I gave him coffee and plenty of kisses to make up for it, and bit by bit he returned to a somewhat human state. "Leaving you is the last thing in the world I want to do right now," he said unhappily as he stood in my hallway, jacket and shoes on. I stuffed my iPod and a car-charger into his pocket. He pulled me close and leaned his forehead against mine, rubbing my sides.

"I know, sweetheart," I sighed. "I don't want you to go either. But it's just for a day. I'll see you tomorrow night?"

"Okay," he sighed, still unhappy.

"Call me if you get tired, yeah?"

"Can I call you anyway?" He said, looking up at me.

"Of course," I smiled and gave him a lingering kiss. "Say hi to the guys from me. And drive safe."

"I love you," he said.

"Love you, too." Before our period apart we had never said that to each other, even if I had wanted to say it many times. My fear had made me hold back, scared such a big sentiment would chase him away. Saying it now was easy, because now I knew that I had always loved him, that I hadn't stopped loving him even when I hated him.