Chapter 26

(Song featured in the last part of this chapter is Needtobreathe - A place only you can go)

«Who are you dressing up for, the hamster or the orangutan?» James eyed me from top to bottom as I entered the kitchen.

«What, this? This isn't dressing up, this is just 'not looking like a couch potato', James,» I pointed out. All I had done was put on a pair of tight, dark jeans and a slightly nicer top than usual, put on a little makeup and tried to sort out my bird's nest hair for once. He crossed the kitchen floor and placed his hands on my sides, pulling me in.

«You're beautiful,» he said in hushed tones and kissed me gently. I blushed furiously and averted my eyes shyly, horribly incompetent when it came to taking a compliment, as always.

«Thank you,» I stammered. «It's all for you, you know. I want to make them very jealous of you, if I can,» I said with a chuckle, mostly joking. I wasn't confident enough to dress up and prance around believing that anyone I'd attract the attentions of anyone.

A little after seven our visitors crashed through the front door bearing food and a crate of beer. Richard was his child-like, happy self, like a lumbering little jack russel terrier who couldn't quite contain his excitement for life. When he saw me he pounced on me and gave me a long hug, so long I raised my eyebrows at James over his shoulder.

«Emily, so nice to see you again!» he exclaimed as he let go of me.

«You too, dear,» I chuckled then turned to Jeremy, who put me more in mind of a feckless mastiff. «Clarkson, hello! How is the hand?» I inquired, and was surprised to receive a quick hug even from Jeremy.

«It's fine, actually. Thanks to you I suspect.» He held up a huge palm where a few, bright pink scars were still visible. We settled around the dining table with our food and beers, the banter already flowing easily as we worked our way through mounds of Chinese food. They talked about the shoot they had in the morning, or cars in general, or congestion charge, sometimes it really was like looking at the news on Top Gear. I found myself staying in the background for most of the time and talking less than usual. It wasn't shyness or intimidation, I had spent time with all three of them before and had never felt particularly shy around them. But for some reason I felt a need to test the waters a little and sense the mood. I wasn't just the friend anymore, I was the girlfriend, and all of them knew. Didn't they? I also kept my distance from James, sitting next to him but not touching him or coddling him. This was actually the first time James and I was social with people who knew that we were a couple, and I didn't know how he felt about public affection but I suspected he didn't like it. He had kissed me in the middle of the street, but that was around total strangers and somehow felt different. This was his mates, and they were liable to take the piss if we were too lovey-dovey. When we finished our food we migrated to the living room, getting more comfortable in sofas and chairs. I offered to do a beer-run to the kitchen, and on my way back I turned on the stereo which had James' iPod connected to it before handing everyone beers. It still had a playlist on it which I had made when had been on our road trip, it had a mix of happy and varied music and I just left it on shuffle. The boys didn't even notice, they were to busy arguing amicably. I sank down on the sofa next to James, but not anywhere as close as I would have liked. James and Richard got into a intense conversation about something mechanical, Richard was unable to fix his bike and James thought he knew what he was doing wrong. But Richard was his stubborn, angry self and wouldn't agree. Jeremy got bored with it and disappeared outside for a smoke.

«Hey guys, why don't you two bugger off into the garage and sort this discussion out before we all die of drudgery?» I suggested. They looked at each other like two children who had been dismissed from the dinner table to go play.

«You sure?» James said. I flapped my hands dismissively at him.

«Yeah yeah, go on.»

«Okay, won't be long,» he said and patted my leg jovially. They went into the kitchen for more beers and then disappeared out into the garage. Jeremy was surprised to see the living room nearly empty when he returned from his cigarette.

«Oi, where did those two go?»

«I sent them out into the garage to continue their riveting discussion on the particulars of a Moto Guzzi engine, before it killed me,» I mumbled and had a swig of my beer.

«Oh thank god!» He exclaimed as he sank back down into the comfy armchair and picked up his beer again. A silence followed and I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, feeling a little on edge. I always felt a little nervous around Jeremy, he was loud and brash and I never quite knew where I had him. Even more so now that we were suddenly on our own, with any of the other two around I felt he was more liable to keep a modicum of politeness. He broke the silence first and cleared his throat. «So, you and James...» he said slowly, obviously weighing his words. He shot me one of his sly, mysterious looks and said «I mean, how..?» I cut him off.

«Oh here we go, Jeremy,» I groaned exasperatedly and rolled my eyes.

«What?» Jeremy leaned back in his chair, gaping at me with his eyebrows raised in surprise.

«You're dying to ask, aren't you? What am I doing with that old, floppy-haired spaniel? Am I blind? Do I have some sort of grandfather complex? Am I just out for his money?» Jeremy waved his hands to make me stop ranting.

«No no no, that wasn't what I...» he began and I was surprised to see that he even looked a little hurt. «I wasn't going to say anything like that. I just... Wondered what is the deal with you two,» he finished, uncharacteristically mildly and even a little awkward.

«But didn't James tell you guys...?»

«We didn't have much time to talk back in Cardiff, we were busy filming all day and he left as soon as he could because he had plans. With you, I'm guessing?» He raised his eyebrows at me over the top of his beer.

«So basically, what you're saying is you want the girly gossip?» I smirked at Jeremy and he squirmed a little uncomfortably in his chair.

«Noooooooooo,» he droned, flinching. «I just want to know what the hell is going on!»
«Okay,» I sighed, giving in. «James and I we... got together on New Year's Eve. You know, became a couple. I missed him a lot, and even told him that I did. So he did this daft, romantic thing and just showed up in Norway without me knowing about it, I thought he was with you guys at Hammond's. We... kept it to ourselves, we just wanted some time and not have it blow up in everyone's face in the tabloids.» Jeremy grunted his understanding of this.

«All right, this explains many, many things!» Jeremy said with a smile, then turned serious again. «But then what happened? Something happened, right?»

«James... got scared, I don't know any other way to put it. He talked about our age difference, how we never would've worked and he wanted to end it. I guess he thought it was inevitable that I was going to leave him some day anyway because of the age thing. I threw a massive, hysterical tantrum and stormed out on him.» As I spoke Jeremy's long face fell and became even longer than it usually was, he leaned forward and rested his face in his hands.

«Oh god, Emily...» He said and rubbed his face tiredly. «I... that might be all my fault.» He admitted guiltily.

«What? How?» I frowned, taken aback by this sudden confession from him.

«By being an arse,» he sighed. «James mentioned your name more and more often, writing texts to you or... He seemed happy and... I had to poke fun at him for it, for talking about you and spending so much time with you, I suspected he might have a thing for you. I said a girl like you would never go for a fat, old spaniel like him. And told him that if you did go for him it wouldn't be long before you realised what an old stiff he was and would move on to greener pastures... Stupid things like that.»

«Oh come off it, Jeremy,» I scoffed. «James is a grown man, perfectly capable of making his own decisions. You've known each other for ages, and he's lived with you taking the mickey for just as long, he ought to be bloody used to it by now and be able to withstand your mockery.»

«Yeah, but... I think I might've hit too close to home with those.» He looked at me apologetically. In stark contrast to the man I knew from telly and from the few times I had met him before I was amazed at how conscientious and mild-mannered this Jeremy was. He felt responsible for what had happened between James and me, and he felt guilty.

«In any case, you had no way of knowing that we were already seeing each other,» I pointed out mildly. «If you had known about that, you probably wouldn't have cracked those particular jokes either?»

«Um, no... Maybe I would have, god knows, I'm an idiot sometimes,» he said unhappily.

«If you did have any sort of blame in this, Jeremy, it's just that you happened to point out something he was already worrying about. My guess is that what happened probably would have anyway, at some point, when his insecurities got the better of him.»

«I'm sorry, anyway...» Jeremy muttered, and I couldn't help but wonder how such a tall man could look so small. A long silence fell in which Jeremy seemed to be lost in thought.

«So...» he began, raising a finger at me. «Then what happened? How did he fix it?»

«God, Jezza! I never would've thought you'd be such a ...you are such a girl, Jeremy!» I squealed and he gave me a yellow-toothed grin and a chuckle.

«Give me the gossip, I love drama, come on, spill!» He gesticulated wildly.

«What happened was Hammond came by, actually.»
«What, to your place?» He leaned forward confidentially now, eyebrows raised in surprise, obviously interested.

«Yeah, he was worried since James was being such a...»

«Insufferable twat,» Jeremy proffered willingly.

«Yeah. Richard didn't know anything about us either, he just thought I was James' friend and maybe I could help. I don't know why, but I told him what was going on. By then I had decided to leave London. I quit my job, gave up my flat, I was packing things into boxes...»

«What, it got that bad?» he asked in hushed, almost horrified tones. Jeremy looked sympathetic and a little shocked, and I couldn't quite realize I was having this conversation with him.

«I hadn't heard a single word out of James for over five weeks, apart from a few phone calls in the middle of the night which I never picked up. I thought we were really, really over, and I wanted to get as far away from him and everything that reminded me about him as possible. Long story short, Richard told James that I was leaving and... a few other things,» I coughed discreetly.

«.. gave him a kick up the arse, you mean,» Jeremy grinned that sly smirk of his.

«Pretty much,» I confirmed with a nod. «I didn't mean to put Richard in the middle, it just...»

«Oh, knowing him he put himself in the middle, he loves those sort of things,» Jeremy flapped his hands about. We laughed a little, but then I turned serious.

«Listen, Jeremy.. I'm sorry for jumping down your throat earlier,» I said with an apologetic shrug, feeling ashamed at having been rather rude at him. He was obviously capable of being quite sweet when I wanted to, and I had been unfair toward him.

«Offense is the best defense,» he said knowingly.

«No, it's just.. You're loud and sarcastic and...I'm never quite sure about you, whether you're just teasing or just don't like me. Honestly you're a bit scary sometimes.»

«Oh...» he said, looking a stumped at my honesty. When he continued his voice was kind and mild. «I'm just teasing, Emily. If I didn't like you, you would have known about it, trust me.»

«Good. Thank you.. I think,» I said a little uncertainly and had a swig of my beer.

«Frankly I'm surprised you two didn't happen sooner,» he giggled, showing a little of the old Jeremy again. «You two have been drooling after each other forever!» he waved.

«Was it that obvious?» I frowned.

«Maybe not for everyone, but... like you said, I've known James a long time, and seen him fumble around with women as if they were another species altogether  But with you, I don't know, he just seemed very at ease around you, right from the beginning. And James is never at ease with anything apart from his tools and trainsets and his piano. I'm glad you sorted things out.»
«So am I,» I sighed and drained the remains of my beer.

«I'm going for another cigarette,» Jeremy announced and got up.

«Oh, can I bum one?» I asked. He raised one eyebrow at me and smirked cheekily.

«Yeah yeah, come on,» he waved and disappeared. If followed him out into the back garden and we both lit up. After a long silence he shot me an evil grin. «But seriously, though. What are you doing with that floppy-haired old spaniel?»

«Jeremy!» I shouted at him and slapped his forearm, pretending to be affronted and he laughed that hoarse, characteristic laugh.

«I'm a dog person I guess,» I said and we chuckled, then went back to smoking. From inside I could hear James and Richard's footsteps and loud voices as they returned from the garage. As acting on a whim Jeremy flicked his cigarette away and dove under the garden table right next to the door.

«Jezza, what..?» I hissed and stared at him. He looked pleadingly up at me to play along, motioning with his finger over his mouth to keep quiet about his hideout. He was already fighting to keep quiet and not giggle. Just as I had been about to say hiss at Jeremy again the glass door opened and James and Richard spilled out onto the back porch.

«Emily! There you are! Where's Jeremy?» James asked, looking around the garden as if he expected to find him hiding in the bushes. He wasn't that far off, really. It took me a split second to decide.

«Oh I don't know and I don't care, he buggered off,» I huffed and took an angry drag of my cigarette, pretending to be livid.

«What..?» Richard squeaked, his face falling comically.

«He started asking me all these rude questions,» I continued. «I wasn't going to stand for it so I gave him an earful, obviously he couldn't handle being shouted at by a woman so he fucked off.» James and Richard exchanged horrified glances and then both looked back at me.

«But...» Richard squeaked again, trying to make sense of the situation. In the silence that followed Jeremy's hands shot out from beneath the garden table and closed around James' and Richard's ankles and he made a loud, alarming sound to scare them even more. James shouted loudly and spun around, his long hair whipping comically around as he did. He balled his hands into fists, adopted a defensive stance and seemed prepared to kick whatever had touched him. Richard gave a terrified shriek and flailed wildly as he bounded away as quickly as he could from the boogeyman. Jeremy's loud, hysterical laugh gave him away before he could crawl out from under the darkness of the garden table.

«Jeremy, you insufferable pillock of a man!» James shouted at the top of his voice, clutching his chest.

«Oh, Jeremy! You absolute bastard! Right, that's it, come here, I am actually going to kill you,» Richard roared, looking around wildly for anything that would serve as a weapon.

«You? Kill? You were running for the hills a second ago!» James pointed at Richard, deciding to mock him instead of being angry at Jeremy.

«And she! She was in on it!» Richard ignored James and turned on me instead. «How could you, Emily! I am very, very disappointed in you!» Amidst everything Jeremy was still on all fours on the decking, laughing so hysterically he was unable to get up at all, his face bright red and tears streaming from his eyes. His laugh was so contagious I broke out giggling too, and unable to get the image of James and Richards reactions out of my mind  I bent over double with laughter.

«That's it, I've had enough of those two,» Richard huffed. «I need a beer. And possibly a doctor, I might have a heart attack!» He kept muttering sourly as he disappeared inside, and James followed him just to tease him some more, humming a song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. «He bravely ran away, away...» This only increased our hysterics, Jeremy lying curled up and clutching his stomach.

«Emily, that was... brilliant acting! Such ingenuity!» He gasped in between fits of giggles.

«You do know I'll have to sleep in the dog house tonight for that, right?» I chortled, trying to calm down. Eventually Jeremy's hysterics subsided and he clambered to his long, splay-legged feet, wiping his eyes with his hands.

«Oh, that was fantastic. Made my entire evening,» he sighed, patting his stomach. «Bloody hell, that hurt.»

«Come on, lets get inside. And don't laugh, it'll only make it worse!» I said as I opened the door and headed inside. James and Richard was sitting in the living room with fresh beers, James looking mildly amused and Richard still looking a little sour.

«Changed your underwear then, Hamster?» Jeremy roared loudly and disappeared into James' kitchen, presumably for more beers. I groaned loudly and shut my eyes in exasperation.

«Oh ha-ha,» Richard spat, rolling his eyes and fiddling with the label on his beer bottle.

«Oh, Richard, I'm sorry,» I said sincerely and sat down on the armrest of his chair, patting his shoulder gently. «That was stupid of us. Jeremy just dived under the table and I didn't have the time to... I really am sorry, I didn't know what he was going to do, honestly!»

«And here I bring you more beer purely out of the kindness of my heart, and you stab me in the back? Cold-hearted woman!» Jeremy said dramatically as he reentered the living room. But he was smiling and handed me a bottled anyway.

«Hey, where is my apology?» James piped up. Feeling a little tipsy from an unknown amount of beer I moved over to the sofa next to James, much closer than I had earlier in the evening. Quickly I took his head in my hands so he couldn't turn away and gave him a deep, lingering kiss.

«I'm sorry,» I said sweetly against his mouth and bit my lip innocently as I looked at him with my best puppy-dog eyes. The surprise and intensity of the kiss had left him gobsmacked and his eyes was slightly out of focus as he looked at me. «Am I forgiven?» He cleared his throat as he snapped out of his reverie. His answer wasn't what I had expected though.

«Hmm, not quite,» he smirked, his eyes glittering. Apparently I wasn't the only one feeling the effects of the beer. «I might need a little more persuasion.» I leaned in to kiss him again, a little slower and more considered this time.

«If that is what it takes to apologize to you, forget it. I would rather skin my donkey!» Jeremy huffed and we broke apart with a giggle.

«That sounds so much like a euphemism, Jeremy, I don't even know where to begin!» I laughed. For the rest of the evening I stayed closer to James, content to just have his hand resting absentmindedly on my knee. Richard soon got over his mood and normal conversation resumed. It was a strange feeling, being with James out in the open like this, even if it was just around his best mates. It had been just James and me until now, even before we became a couple it was usually just the two of us when we spent time together. I still felt like I had to get to know James around other people, how he was around his friends, his colleagues, his family. The James I knew best was my James, the person he was when it was just the two of us alone together. Even if it felt strange, it felt good to be with people who knew about us, especially since they weren't making a fuss. We were just mates, talking and laughing, and nothing had really changed. Jeremy had surprised me more than once during our conversation, by being less judgmental and far more mild-mannered than I ever would have thought him capable of. And he had said he liked me, in his own backwards kind of way, and that was important to me. These three blokes had known each other for so long and spent to much time together both at work and in their private lives that it felt important that they liked and accepted me. I cared about James, which meant I cared about his mates and what they thought of me.

The music was still on in the background and without even being aware of it I was singing along to "Baba O'Riley" as I returned from the kitchen carrying the rest of the beers.

«James, your woman sings along to The Who! Marry this one, will you?» Jeremy begged, waving his bottle in my direction. «At least don't fuck it up again,» he added. There was a tense moment where everyone looked at James, waiting for his reaction. But he broke out into a smile.

«Marry? She just moved in, lets just take it from there, yeah?»

«Whoa whoa whoa, wait, what? Excuse me?» Richard said loudly, slurring his words a little. «She's moved in? When did that happen?» I sat next to James and he slid his arm around me, pulling me in a little closer and we looked at each other a little awkwardly, wondering who should answer.

«How could you fail to mention that in our little chat earlier?!» Jeremy roared in theatrical dramatic tones, always the loud drama queen. «I thought we bonded, Emily!»

«Chat? Bonded?» James head snapped around to me, the look on his face one of utter bewilderment.

«Yeah, Jeremy and I had quite a lovely girl-to-girl talk earlier,» I smirked and Jeremy giggled as he shook his head exasperatedly at me. This only seemed to deepen James confusion and he now looked slightly horrified as well.

«Did you know that Jeremy, the poor soul, still regrets losing his virginity to ...» I began in a secretive voice, but Richard cut me off.

«All right, enough of thaaaat, I don't want to know! Can we get on to the topic of you moving in, please!» He roared.

«Well, I was going to be out of a flat very soon, as you all know. And I had sort of changed my mind about fleeing the country, so...» My voice trailed off.

«So now she lives here for a while, as of today. If she actually likes living with me, she can stay, it's up to her,» James said. The look he gave me was filled with many things, love, openness, honesty. The other two didn't push the matter more or ask more questions. Privately I suspected they were too shocked to even know what to say. They had known James for so much longer than I had, and I had gathered that some of the things James had done while he had been with me was very unlike him. I seemed to bring out something new in him, a spontaneity and an impulsiveness that they didn't quite know what to think about. As the last beers were drunk Richard mumbled that it might be time to turn in, it was nearly midnight and they had their shoot in the morning. Jeremy and Richard stumbled out into a taxi ten minutes later, on their way to their respective London flats. Closing the door behind them I went back to the living room where James was busy fiddling with my iPod and the stereo. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and nuzzled my face against back, sensing his warmth against my face and taking in his smell.

«I'm going to tidy the kitchen before I go to bed,» I mumbled tiredly into his shirt. James put the iPod down and turned around in my arms to face me.

«No, let me do that,» he said lovingly and ran a hand across my forehead, tucking away a strand of hair behind my ear. «I wanted to play you this song... I heard it on your iPod in the car on my way from Cardiff, just by accident. And it made me think of you. And everything that's happened... There's so much I want to say to you, but I don't know... It isn't high literature, but it's... something, I guess,» he finished with an insecure shrug. «I'll go sort out the kitchen,» he finished quietly and gave me a little kiss, then he turned on the iPod and shuffled off. I vaguely recognized the start of the song, quiet and a little melancholic, but I hadn't listened to it much or paid attention to the words. I sat down on the nearest chair and listened intently.

«Pain is alive in a broken heart
The past never does go away
We were born to love
And we're born to pay
The price for our mistakes
Grace, she comes with a heavy load
Memories, they can't be erased
Like a pill I swallow, he makes me well
But leaves an awful taste
Oh, I know this song won't do
Enough to prove my love to you
In my heart you'll always know
There is a place only love can go
There is a place only you can go
Take my notions and words to heart
This is the cry of a man
I can't bring you fortune or noble life
But I'll love you all I can»

Without even realizing it tears were streaming down my face. I didn't care that it wasn't high literature, I never understood any of that poncy dribble anyway. This was honest and pure. It was about James' guilt and grief for the mistake he'd made, and the realization that no matter how much he tried he could never completely erase what had happened. It was about how he feared that even if he loved me with everything he had, it wouldn't be enough. With the song finished I wobbled into the kitchen where James was just about to close the dishwasher. Through my tears I saw his face change when he registered that I was crying. I fell into his arms and before he even had time to open his mouth to say anything I cut him off.

«Happy tears!» I bawled against his neck.

«Okay,» he whispered into my hair, then he chuckled a little and hugged me tighter, kissing the top of my head.

«It's a good song,» I said with a choked voice when my crying had died down. «But don't ever play something like that again, I'm so fucking tired of crying,» I sniffed.

«I know, I hate seeing you cry. But I just... wanted you to hear it.»

«Thank you. I love you,» I said and gave him a kiss. He hugged me closer again. As I rested my head against his chest I yawned widely, feeling exhausted from emotions, from the moving and from beer.

«Come on. Bedtime,» he whispered, took my hand and lead me upstairs to our bed.