Chapter 48

Finding myself at my sister's door was a surreal experience. I hadn't been here for years, and felt I couldn't just barge in. Taking a deep breath I rang the doorbell. From inside I heard light, running footsteps and then the door was torn open.
«Auntie Emily!» Amalie's eyes widened with surprise and she smiled from ear to ear. She opened the door wider for me and let me in, then gave me a quick hug. «Why are you here?» She asked innocently.
«I thought I'd come visit you guys for a bit, if that's okay? I missed you!» I smiled at her.
«Oh. Sure!» She smiled as I took my shoes and jacket off. My sister appeared in the doorway from the livingroom, carrying Max on her arm. He'd grown a lot since last time I saw him, he was less of a baby now, more like a little boy. But he smiled widely when he saw me and stretched out his arms, remembering my face from the video chats we'd had on the computer. My sister handed him over to me and I took the little boy into a big bear hug.
«Hello, you big boy!» I said, trying my very best to seem happy and cheerful for the kids. But seeing him, seeing how he'd grown, being around children, it all brought into sharp relief the situation I was in. Elin wrapped her arms around me, hugging both me and her own son. She didn't say anything, but she gave me a long, searching look. She could tell I was struggling already.
«Come in, come in,» she gestured impatiently, as if she thought it was unnecessary to have to invite her sister into her own house. I followed her, feeling a little light-headed and incredibly out of place. I hated to come crashing in like this, intruding on their family life with my personal chaos. In the corner of my eye I saw her exchange a few quick words with her husband. Then she cleared her throat loudly.
«Hey, guys! I thought you two could maybe go with your dad, have pizza for dinner? How does that sound?» She said enthusiastically. Both children dropped what they were holding and lit up at the mention of going out for pizza.
"Can auntie Emily come too?" Amalie asked. I smiled sadly at her and opened my mouth, but Elin relieved me of having to come up with an excuse.
"Auntie Emily has travelled a long way, she's very tired, pumpkin." Amalie accepted this, but she came over to me and wrapped her arms around my hips, hugging me for a second before running into the hallway to put on her shoes. Within ten minutes both kids were dressed and strapped in the car, ready to go to their favourite pizza place. As the door shut behind Elin's husband, absolute quiet descended.
«Thank you for that...» I said quietly from my place on the sofa.
«Do you want anything? Tea, coffee..?» Elin asked. I shook my head. «Just water.» Elin poured herself a cup of coffee and filled a glass with water. Sitting down opposite me she handed me the glass of water.
«You look like shit,» she said quietly.
«I know...» I sighed, had a sip of water then put the glass down. The silence stretched between us, Elin just looked at me over her cup of coffee with polite patience. «Elin, I'm.. pregnant.»
«Oh... Wow.» Elin raised her eyebrows in surprise, and took a moment to let it sink in. «Have you told James?»
«Yes, yesterday. I've known for a few weeks, but he's been away in Africa, filming with Top Gear,» I sighed.
«And how did that go?» She asked.
«A lot worse than I ever could have imagined,» I sighed.
«I should've guessed, really. Seeing as you're here, I mean,» Elin pointed out.
«He just... said a lot of things that really shocked me, mean things, and then he walked out on me. So I left. I just.. couldn't be there when he came back.»
«I didn't think James was capable of saying anything mean. Especially not to you,» Elin sighed, looking at me sympathetically. «So, what now?» She asked mildly. I sighed sadly, fiddling with my own fingers.
«I don't know, Elin... I... just need some time to try and get my head around everything. I'm so exhausted and everything is just chaos, I can't think straight.» I looked at her pleadingly and she nodded slowly. «I have another few weeks of sick leave, I've had such bad morning sickness I haven't even been able to work,» I said unhappily.
«That explains why you look so awful...» Elin admitted. «I never had much nausesa with the kids. Well, a little with Max. That must be absolute torture.»
«It is,» I conceded. «Elin... Thank you, for taking me in like this. I didn't know where to go, in England most of my friends are also James' friends and I just... needed some distance.»
«It's all right. What are sisters for, right?»

I fell into some sort of routine in my sisters house. I was never present at breakfasts, my nausea was paralyzing and I spent most mornings curled up on the bed in the guestroom with the window open, gasping for fresh air. When the nausea finally settled I did laundry or sorted the dishes, wanting to help out around the house and make me staying there less of a burden. Max was in daycare a short walk from the house, and most days I went and got him early, spending an hour or so playing with cars or watching cartoons with him. Often I made dinner so it would be ready until everyone else got home from work and school. House chores, taking care of Max, making dinner, it was all a way of making myself busy, distracting myself from my own, chaotic heart and mind. No matter how hard I tried, my mind kept straying to James. Thinking of him had become a habit, he was such a huge part of my life and if I wasn't with him, I thought of him. But now I wish I didn't have to. I couldn't stop myself from wondering how he was. What he was doing. Was he worried? Or was he just relieved that I'd gone? In the afternoon I helped Amalie with homework or played some more with Max, often passing out at about the same time as the kids did, needing to catch up on whatever sleep the nausea was stealing from me. Elin made some tentative, careful attempts at talking to me, asking me what I was thinking about James or my own pregnancy. And I always tried to wriggle out of the conversations by being vague or changing the subject. The truth was that I didn't know what I was thinking about either subjects. For the most part I tried not to think about it at all.

With trembling hands James found Sarah's phone number in his contact list and called her, begging silently for her to pick up. He felt a wave of relief when he heard her voice.
«Hello?»
«Sarah? It's me, James.» His sister instincts for when something was wrong immediately kicked in.
«James, what's wrong?» Her voice was urgent and serious.
«Could you.. come over?» James asked, feeling a little stupid. «I just.. need someone to talk to. And I don't think I'm in shape to drive anywhere right now...» he finished, his voice shaking a little.
«No, stay where you are, if you think you shouldn't drive you probably shouldn't. I'll be there as soon as I can. Call me meanwhile if you need to,» she said, immediately going into crisis-management mode. She knew asking him what was going on was pointless, if he'd wanted to talk on the phone he would have. So she decided to just drop everything and go. The sound of her big brother's voice suddenly scared her, she had never heard him sound like that. The fact that he had called and asked for her help, saying that he needed someone to talk to, was something she'd never experienced before. James was a private person, and even though she knew he was a very emotional man, he was also very private about it, he rarely spoke of his emotions. Whatever bad things James had experienced in his life, he'd always dealt with them on his own.
Little over two hours later Sarah burst through the front door of James' house. «James! James!»
«In here,» she heard from the living room. He was sitting in his sofa, looking pale and absolutely grief-stricken. His eyes were puffy and blood-shot, she was sure he must have been crying. She sat down next to him and took his hand, studying him carefully.
«James! What's happened?» She asked a little breathlessly, her voice full of concern.
«Do you want a cup of tea or something...?» James said slowly.
«No no, don't be ridiculous,» she waved him down. «Just tell me what is going on! Did something happen? Is someone dead? Is it Emily?»
«Emily... left..» James said apathetically, staring into nothingness.
«She what?!» Sarah shrieked, a little louder than she had meant to. «Left? Why? What the hell is going on?» Sarah couldn't think of a single reason as to why Emily would leave, their relationship had seemed rock solid from her point of view. She knew how completely besotted James was with her, she'd never seen her brother so in love and she'd been convinced it would be the two of them forever.
«I came back from Africa yesterday and... when I got home she told me... she was pregnant.» James was still talking slowly, the tone in his voice was flat and lifeless, and he seemed to be in shock. Sarah's eyebrows shot upwards with surprise and she nearly gasped, but she tried to stay silent and give James time to continue talking. «She'd known for weeks and I... just lost it and said a lot of awful things to her. Then I left, went to a hotel to sleep, I was exhausted after that shoot and...» His voice trailed off, he could hear how pathetic he sounded.
«.. How awful.. exactly?» Sarah asked a little hesitantly. She knew it was a rather insensitive question, James was obviously drowning in his own guilt, but she felt she needed to know the severity of the situation.
«I.. Got mad at her because she admitted to having forgotten her pill once or twice... And I just blamed it all on her and asked her what she was going to do about it... Then I sort of said I wished she'd just had an abortion while I was away and never told me about it.» James fiddled with his own hands as he spoke, squirming uncomfortably in his seat. Retelling the horrible things he had said to Emily was nearly killing him.
«Oh James, you complete arse!» She huffed, but not entirely unkindly.
«I know...» He said, and he looked so unhappy Sarah's heart almost broke for him. «But I was just so.... shocked, and scared! I was terrified!» He said desperately.
«You? You were scared? How do you think she felt, then?!» Sarah said loudly, remembering the first time she had been pregnant herself. «She is the one with the baby inside her, after all! Imagine what it must've been like for her, knowing about this for weeks while you were away, carrying that burden on her own, terrified of how you'd might react when you come home? And then you do that to her?!» Every single one of Sarah's words pierced through James like knife-stabs. She was right, and he knew it. He'd been so focused on his own exhaustion, his own shock and horror that he hadn't been able to think about how Emily must have felt. And he felt stupid for having expected some sympathy and comfort from his sister, because clearly he didn't deserve any.
«She said she didn't want to tell me on the phone because she didn't want to ruin my trip and distract me from work..» He said feebly, realising he just made his case even worse for himself.
«James, I'm sorry darling, but no fucking wonder she left,» Sarah said
«I know...» James said again, not looking at his sister. He seemed to shrink away even more, and Sarah was shocked to see that his bottom lip began quivering. She'd never seen her brother cry and suddenly she didn't know what to do. She had comforted her own children when they were crying countless times, and all she could think to do was to gently wrap her arms around her big brother. James hugged her back, grateful for the comfort that he knew he didn't deserve. When he had his crying under control he pulled away from his sister a little but she kept an arm around his shoulders. «I can't get hold of her, Sarah... Her phone is off, I've tried calling her hundreds of times. I don't even know where she's gone, if she's all right, if she has someone to take care of her... What if she's alone somewhere?»
«Oh, James...» Sarah sighed, squeezing her brother a little and resting her head on his shoulder. «Emily is a resourceful woman, I'm sure she's gone somewhere she feels safe and where she can get some support.»
«She was so nauseous the day I left for Africa, you know.. Morning sickness.» The term sounded completely alien in James' mouth. «When I came back, she looked so... thin and pale. It kills me not knowing where she is..» He sniffed.
«James, give her a bit of time...» Sarah suggested. «Emily is just a mess of hormones and feelings right now, or so I would imagine. She needs time to sort it out and process everything. » James gave an impatient, frustrated huff.
«I don't know if I can do that. What if she thinks I wanted her to leave? That I'm relieved she did?»
«James, her phone is turned off, she clearly needs some time to herself. She might come around on her own.»
«And what if she doesn't?» He asked defiantly.
«Then you'll have to track her down,» she answered simply.
«God, I am such a miserable bastard,» he sighed, burying his face in his hands.
«You are,» Sarah agreed. «But she loves you, James.»
«Maybe she did, before... I hope she still does...» He said sadly. Sarah couldn't give him any comforting answers to that. But she hoped, for her brother's sake, that Emily still did.