Chapter 62

I was by an outdrawn, zombie-like groan of pain and misery. The sound didn't surprise me in the slightest.

“Kill me. Kill me now."

“All right, hang on,” sighed, slid out of bed and lumbered downstairs. I hadn't left him to get the knife, but to get paracetamol, allergy pills, a glass of Berocca and a few bottles of mineral water. Returning to the bedroom, James looked at me with blood-shot eyes. His skin was pale, almost green, and his hair was a complete crows-nest.

“What is that? Rat poison? I hope it's quick,” he muttered.

“Yes, its warfarin, I stole it at the hospital,” I said sarcastically as I handed him a few pills. He accepted and downed them with water, then his head slumped back on the pillow. I sat down on the edge of the bed and ran a hand over his hair and cheek. He reeked of sour beer and stale fags, he looked like road kill but I was still very much in love with him. After a while he opened his eyes and looked at me dolefully.

“I am an awful human being.” He said it with such sincerity it almost made me laugh. “God, I was so... bloody.. drunk...” He groaned, rubbing his face.

“Yes, you were,” I said flatly, deciding to torture him a little. Noticing the change in my voice I saw the fear creep into his eyes.

“Did I act like an idiot?”

“Yes, a little.” I answered simply. He flinched.

“What did I do?” The despair, anxiety and shame I saw in his eyes melted my heart.

“I'm joking, honey... You didn't do anything wrong,” I said with a comforting smile.

“... no?” He looked at me with a mixture of surprise and disbelief.

“No, not really.”

“Emily, I'm sorry. I... can't even remember anything after a certain point.”

“Which point?” I asked mildly, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I think it was the beer gambling with Simmy and Rory...” He sounded utterly ashamed.

“That was pretty late, though. Most people were plastered by that point anyway. It was a good party, people really enjoyed themselves. Relax, you didn't throw up on people, insult anyone or run around naked. You were just... silly and giggly and, at one point, even a little soppy.”

“Jesus, I'm too old to get that drunk...” He groaned, rubbing his face with both hands. “I'm becoming a father for crying out loud. How are you not apocalyptically cross with me?” James gave me his best, most regretful puppy-eyes.

“I figured that hangover of yours is punishing you enough,” I smirked. “Oh don't be so hard on yourself. You had a good time, you were celebrating that we're having a baby. I'd rather have you let loose a little and become this drunk now than in a year when I'm sitting home alone with a baby worrying about you. Now drink your Berocca,” I said, giving him the glass of vaguely fizzing, bright orange water. He eyed it suspiciously.

“I'm not sure I can...” he complained, looking faintly queasy.

“Suck it up, party boy,” I ordered. James led out a snort of laughter then clutched at his forehead.

“Ow, don't make me laugh.” He accepted the glass and sipped it gingerly, testing if his stomach would allow the intake of vitamins and minerals he so sorely needed. He drank half an put it down on the night stand with a sigh.

“Hopefully the pills will help a little, maybe you can go back to sleep, sleep it off,” I said, caressing his cheek again. He closed his eyes to the touch.

“You're too kind to me,” he mumbled.

“Last night I was jealous of all the people drinking, I wanted a beer so bloody badly. But I must admit, seeing you now.. Not so much jealous,” I smirked. Leaning down I gave him a long, comforting kiss.”Ugh, you taste like something curled up in your mouth and died.”

“I love you too,” he said with a weak smile. James closed his eyes, and I left him to hopefully go back to sleep.

When I had gotten dressed I went downstairs and quietly started clearing up after the party, picking up about a million empty bottles and plastic glasses and cups. Deciding no to do any heavy lifting that might upset James I left all the furniture where they were and headed upstairs for a quick shower. While I had been tidying up I had exchanged a few texts with Ben and Jo, and agreed that I would pay them a visit. They didn't know about my pregnancy and I desperately wanted to tell them. After my quick shower I wrote a note for James who was still sleeping heavily letting him know where I was going and roughly how long I'd be.

I came home about five hours after I'd left. Not having heard anything from James I half expected to find him in bed, still immobilized by post-alcoholic anxiety and nausea. Opening the door I realized I was wrong. The place smelled clean and fresh, not at all like a place that had housed about 40 drunken people the night before. From what little I could see of the living-room from the hallway the furniture seemed to be back where they were supposed to be. Looking left into the kitchen that seemed to be all shined up too. Hanging my jacket by the door I called out.

“James? James, I'm home!” After a minute he appeared in the doorway from the living-room. He stopped there, shoving his hands into his pockets as he looked at me nervously. It was as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible. It was still evident that he'd been on a massive bender the night before, he looked pale and tired. But while I had been gone he'd obviously made an effort to spruce himself up as well as the house; he'd taken a shower, shaved, put on a pair of dark jeans and a shirt he knew I liked. Shifting nervously he looked up at me. “Hey, you...” I said with a little smile, taking a few steps towards him. He looked so frail and nervous I stopped a little distance from him, unsure of what was going on.

“Hi...” he said, shuffling his feet and looking at the floor. “Had a nice time?” He asked the floorboards. I frowned, a little puzzled by the question.

“I... yeah. It's always a joy seeing baby Emily again,” I said cautiously. James glanced at me quickly, then his eyes fell back onto the floor. I took another few steps towards James then stretched out a hand, timidly touching his arm. “James, you all right? Is something wrong?” I asked mildly. At this his eyes shot up to look into mine, sadness and remorse all over his face.

“I'm wrong..” he said sulkily. “I'm so sorry for.. acting like an idiot and becoming so drunk, I was probably all obnoxious and awful and...”

“Hey, hey, hey...” I said soothingly. “We've already had this conversation today, remember? You don't have to apologise to me all over again, it's okay....” I lifted my hand to his cheek and cupped it, caressing it with my thumb. His eyes met mine again.

“You're not... angry with me?” He asked incredulously.

“What? No, I'm not angry with you. I said so this morning, didn't I? And I still mean it,” I assured him.

“But... I thought maybe that was why you left, because you were.. angry...” he muttered.

“Aw, honey, no, that wasn't how it was at all!” I said, throwing my arms around him in a consoling hug. “I left to give you some peace to sleep it off. I was just restless and started texting with Jo and she asked me to come over. I'm sorry if you thought I left because I was angry with you!” Releasing James from his hug I took his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me. He still looked a little sad and worried. Smiling at him reassuringly I pulled his face towards my own and gave him a long, reassuring kiss. Then I took his hand in mine and steered him towards the sofa, pulling him down with me as I sat down. I wrapped an arm around him and he leaned in against me, resting his head on my shoulder in search for comfort and closeness. Taking a look around the room I saw that James had made a huge effort of tidying up the place after I had gone. After a long silence in which I caressed James' upper arm absent-mindedly, he cleared his throat.

“I'm sorry that I thought you were angry with me...” he said, his voice barely audible.

“Oh for gods sake, will you stop apologizing about everything..?” I asked, squeezing him. “But how could you think I was so angry with you? I told you this morning that I wasn't. I didn't even kill you, even though you asked for it!” I added, trying to bring some humour into the proceedings. James obviously wasn't in the mood for jokes just yet.

“That note you wrote was just... short. And you didn't wake me before you left...” He sulked.

“Aw, James...” I kissed his forehead. “I didn't wake you because I knew you needed all the sleep you could get. And I'm sorry if that note sounded a little.. short, I honestly didn't think about it, I just wrote it quickly and didn't put much thought into how I wrote it.” James looked up at me with doleful eyes, cradled in the crook of my arm like a baby. Caressing the side of his face I smiled at him. “I'm really not mad at you. Not at all.”

“Okay..” he nodded, finally seeming to believe me.

“You've really had an awful day, haven't you?” I said sympathetically, continuing to caress his cheek. It really wasn't like James to be like this, so fragile, sensitive and in search of comfort.

“Yeah...” he sighed.

“Thank you so much for tidying up all this while I was gone, though. I should've helped you though, you didn't need to do all this on your own, especially not in the state you've been in today,” I said and kissed his other cheek.

“I just.. saw you'd started and.. wanted to do something nice for when you came home.”

“In case I was really livid with you?”

“..yeah..” James admitted, blinking and looking embarrassed.

“Thank you. I appreciate that. You even tidied up yourself a little. You clean up good,” I smiled, then leaned down to give him a kiss. “And I particularly appreciate that you don't taste like an ashtray soaked in ale any more.” Despite himself James giggled against my lips. “Have you eaten anything yet?”

“Not much, just some toast when I got up...” James admitted. He straightened up in his seat, my reassurances had seemingly calmed him down and made him feel better.

“Is there any sort of food you fancy? We could order in,” I suggested.

“Pizza. Plain, nothing fancy, my stomach doesn't want me to be too adventurous today.”

“All right. You just sit here and relax, I'll sort the food. No beer with the pizza tonight, I'm guessing?” I teased as I got up, squeezing his knee. James groaned and made a face at the mention of beer. Leaning my hands on his knees I bent over him and gave him a quick kiss of apology. “Sorry.” I left James on the sofa and headed off to order from Dominoes and then upstairs to change into more comfortable clothes. Returning downstairs I checked my twitter and emails until the doorbell rang and I brought the pizza inside. I happily munched my way through my pizza as well as my mozzarella sticks in the same time it took James to get two slices down. Full and content and slouched back on the sofa with a happy sigh. James was already lounging back, quiet and thoughtful. Feeling James' eyes on me I looked at him.

“So, how are you today then?” James asked tenderly, stretching out an arm to place his palm on my tummy, caressing it gently.

“Aw... I'm just fine, honey. We both are,” I said, placing my hand on top of his.

“Had fun at Ben and Jo's then?”

“Yeah, I did. I told them about they baby, they were both thrilled.”

“And baby Emily?” 

“She's so cute!I can't believe she's six months old soon!”I crooned. Picking up my phone I found the video I had taken of her, lying on the floor in a blanket practicing rolling over to her side, trying to reach toys spread around her. “Here. Jo took a video of me with her, too. She said I should bloody well practice.” In this one Emily was sitting in my lap, cooing and babbling at me, waving a rattle. I was babbling just as incoherently back at her, making her giggle. James stared at the screen, mesmerized. “And in the end she zonked out in my arms, like she used to when she was a newborn.” James stared some more, eventually just staring into space for a moment before he shook his head slightly.

“You know... Have you ever thought about... In a years time you'll be sitting like that with your own baby. Our baby.” He spoke slowly, sounding amazed.

“I haven't thought about anything else the entire time I was there,” I admitted. James took the phone from me, found the video of me and baby Emily and played it again. A little smile spread on his face as he watched.

“It looks good on you. A baby in your lap, I mean,” he added as he looked up at me, his eyes shining. Expecting this baby had brought out a new side of James, one that had become even more noticeable after the ultrasound. I had always known James as kind and thoughtful, and also as a very loving and tender man when we were just the two of us. But I had never seen him become so easily emotional. I loved seeing him this way, seeing how proud he was that he was becoming a father, how excited he was, and how much effort he put into looking after me.

“Aw, thank you sweetheart,” I said, taking the phone from him and leaning into give him a kiss. “Do you have any idea how incredibly adorable you are as a gushing father-to-be?” At this James blushed furiously, squirming and blinked rapidly, lost for words. “I love this side of you though. Just as I love every side of you.” James didn't say anything, just looked into my eyes for a moment before giving me a tender kiss. A comfortable little silence fell as I leaned into James and he wrapped his arms around me.

“I was wondering... does your parents know about this yet?” I asked, suddenly realising that telling James' parents hadn't even occurred to me. “I mean, your siblings know. Have they told your parents?”

“Mno, I told them not to say anything. I didn't want news like that to get to them via my sisters or my brother.”

“Mm... We might have to tell them pretty soon, though. I mean, the cat is sort of out of the bag now, at least with all our friends,” I pointed out.

“I know. I was thinking this week, maybe we could invite them over. Or just go for a visit,” he said. The smile he gave me had something hidden behind it, and I couldn't quite pinpoint if it was worry or nerves.

“Okay, let's do that, then,” I smiled back. Part of me tried to keep me from asking, but I couldn't stop myself. “How do you think they'll react?” James paused for a moment before answering.

“Honestly... I don't know,” he admitted a little hesitantly. “I think they'll be.... very surprised. Mostly because they thought you and I would never last, they thought that you were just.. a phase. Basically they were convinced I was having a massive mid-life crisis.” James had never mentioned any of this to me before, and what he was telling me made me surprised and a little upset. I did my best to hide my feelings by joking about it.

“Didn't you think I was a mid-life crisis too, at one point?” I smirked. James made a face.

“Very briefly. And I'm still sorry about it. Anyway, when I told my parents about you, I was absolutely sure that it wasn't. But I think they still might think so, that you and I won't last because there's an age difference. And I gave up trying to convince them.”

“The fact that we're having a baby might do the trick...” I mumbled, staring at my hands. Without even knowing it I had folded them and protectively placed them over my tummy. James slipped his arms around me, hugging me. “They told you that? That they thought we wouldn't last?”

“Mm... In their own, parental sort of way.” James rolled his eyes. Then he saw the sad look on my face and squeezed me a little. “I bet they'll be excited about it eventually, when they've gotten used to the idea. But we should be prepared for the fact that they might not be right away. Like I said, I think they'll be very surprised. And frankly I can't blame them for that, they gave up on me having children years ago and they've settled for me never having any.”

“James? Do they hate me?” I asked, knowing how dramatic it sounded.

“No, no, don't be silly. You know they like you. But you know... I've always been the quiet, sensible oddball of a son. They're just not used to me dragging home women half my age,” he giggled, and I couldn't help but laugh with him. “They can think whatever they like, I am absolutely certain that you and I are not 'just a phase' and that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. They'll understand that too, eventually. And my mum won't be able to not get excited over having another tiny grandchild to cuddle.” James finished by giving me a reassuring kiss. His words had calmed me. In a way I could even understand his parents and their skepticism of our relationship. Had it been my own son or daughter dating someone nearly 20 years younger I would've have been skeptical too. “How did your dad react though?”

“My dad? Honestly, he's never said anything about your age. But then again, while you were the boring son I was the not-so-boring daughter who tended to have boyfriends quite a bit older or younger than me.”

“So this is actually a habit for you, then?” James teased, and I poked him in the ribs.

“And when I told him we're having a baby... He was genuinely happy for me. For us. I think he's just glad I've found someone that makes me so happy, and that I want to spend my life with and have a family with. He's seen me be lonely and struggling for many years, and I know I've been the source of a lot of worry for him. I think he feels he can relax a bit now that I have you. And he said he was a bit sad that we're living in England and that he won't see his grandchild much. But I just told him he'll retire soon and can get his arse on a plane every now and then.”

“So your dad doesn't hate me?” James asked, barely hiding a teasing smirk. I poked him in the ribs again and giggled.

“No he doesn't. He knows I love you, and that's good enough for him.”

“I love you too,” James smiled. “I'm not sure I've asked you if you had fun last night? I mean, disregarding how drunk I got.. and how hungover I was this morning.”

“Yeah, I did, I had lots of fun! I liked gathering people, having everyone around like that. And I liked that we invited them to tell them our lovely news. Also...” I continued, pushing James back against the sofa and straddling his lap. “...I had fun in your office last night,” I said seductively, smirking at him. James wrapped his arms around my back and hummed as he was reminded of our little adventure.

“Mmm, that was a lot of fun,” he agreed. “So I didn't just dream that? I've had a fantasy like that for years.”

“Really? I must've read your mind, then.” Bending down over him I took James' bottom lip in a kiss, then tugged at it a little with my teeth. James pulled back a little, shaking his head.

“Emily, I know where you're going with this, but I'm still too fucking hungover to have sex.”

“Oh, you're right. I'm too knackered too, I barely got any sleep last night. Do you have any idea how badly you snore when you're really drunk?” James chose to ignore this question.

“Maybe we should just go to bed then?”

“Mmm, just curl up together and cuddle until we fall asleep....” I said dreamily.

“That's agreed then.”

“James, this is bad. This baby isn't even born and already we're skipping sex for sleep.”

“I'll make it up to you tomorrow. I promise.”