Even though James offered to go meet his parents to tell them on their own, I insisted on coming with him. We were doing this together, and I knew he worried about their reaction even more than I did, I wanted to be there for moral support. We were, after all, in this together, and would be for the rest of our lives. Breaking the actual news went a lot better than we both had feared. Partly, I suspected, because I was there. James' parents had always been very sweet and kind to me the few times I had met them, and I believed James when he said that they didn't dislike me but were just sceptical about our age difference. The news definitely came as a huge surprise, and I could tell that both of them tried to save their scepticism and critical questions to a later time.
The weekend after our own party came the time for the annual Top Gear Christmas bash. After our big reveal Mindy had approached me suggesting that we go dress-shopping together that Monday. Shopping for a dress had been something I had been putting off for as long as I could. I dreaded it considering I was now pregnant, and I knew that my body was changing so fast there was just no point to getting a dress a month beforehand. Mostly I was just worried I wouldn't find a dress at all, but miraculously, and with Mindy's help, I found one. It was full-length in was made of a flowy material in a rich, dark purple colour. It was gathered under the bosom and flowed outwards, draping over my little baby bump, almost accentuating it. Mindy also suggested that she and I spent the day together before the party preparing; she had organised an entire day of pampering and luxury with massages, pedicures, hair and make-up stylists. Personally I was eternally grateful that I didn't have to fix myself up for the party, it was very stress-relieving to have someone to just make all the decisions and do everything for me. Putting on make-up had always been an incredibly tedious task. Spending an entire day with Mindy turned out to be not as awkward as I had feared, considering I had kissed her husband. Every now and again the memory resurfaced, and I wondered if Mindy knew anything about it. If she did, she was either extremely good at hiding any ill feelings towards me, or she was just dealing with it incredibly well.
As I sat in the car next to Mindy, coming up on the hotel that held the party, I found that I was incredibly nervous, as if I was going on a first date. To James I had only said that Mindy and I would be having a “girls' day” and that I'd meet him at the party. At first he had asked what a “girls' day” entailed, but when I asked if he really wanted to know he had just shaken his head. Coming to a halt in front of the hotel stairs, James was the first man I spotted. Immediately I cast Mindy a suspicious look.
“Okay all right, so I sent him a text that he should get his arse out on the stairs,” she admitted with a carefree shrug, grinning. “But come on, you're a vision! He should have the pleasure of watching you emerge from this car like the goddess you are.”
“Oh do shut up,” I giggled. When I stretched for the door-handle, Mindy smacked my hand playfully.
“You uncivilised woman! Don't you know the driver is supposed to open the door for you?” She said loudly. Right on cue the driver opened the door on her side and she slid elegantly out of the car, far more used to wearing long dresses than I were. For a second I sat alone in the car behind tinted windows, waiting for the driver to open my own door. I had to take another deep breath, feeling slightly like I wasn't in my own body. Why was this so nerve-wracking? A gust of cold December-air hit me when the car-door opened. I took the driver's proffered hand and tried my best to copy Mindy's elegant exit. Relieved I found myself on the pavement, on my feet with my dress and my dignity intact. The driver closed the door behind me, and I completely forgot to thank him as my eyes sought out James at the top of the stairs. He was staring at me, mouth slightly open. I saw him blink a few times, how he swallowed and how his jaws tightened the way they always did when he got emotional but tried to hide it. Richard had had the sense to come down to the pavement to escort his wife up the stairs, but James seemed rooted to the spot, unable to move. His intense gaze already had me blushing, smiling shyly. Taking hold of my dress I lifted the hem up slightly and gingerly made my way up the 6 or 7 huge stone steps up to the hotel doorway. Finally coming level with James my eyes met his again.
“Hello,” I said quietly, still smiling shyly.
“I... uh..... ummm,” was all James managed. Then he swallowed hard again and eyed me up and down.
“Umm? That's all I get? It took me four hours, this!” I said teasingly.
“I just... Wow. Can't find the words. I'm not sure there are any,” he mumbled apologetically. Seeing James like this was strange, all fumbling and speechless.
“But I look okay, right?” I stretched out a hand and squeezed his forearm.
“You look absolutely... breathtaking,” he breathed.
“Yeah?”
“You're just... perfect. I can't believe you're here with me, you could have any man you wanted looking like that,” James finished in a quiet mumble, shyly fiddling with his own hands. I took a step closer to James and wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me gingerly back, evidently worried he'd ruin my hair or the dress.
“I don't want any other man, silly. I only want you. I only dress up like this for you,” I said quietly into his ear. Before letting him go I gave him a quick kiss, not wanting to smear my lipstick all over him. Taking a step back, James eyed me up and down again.
“That dress looks... amazing on you,” he smiled, almost blushing again.
“Thank you. I like it, too. No hiding the fact that I'm pregnant in this, though,” I pointed out, running a hand habitually over the ever-growing baby bump.
“I thought you were done hiding it?” James raised an eyebrow at me.
“Yeah, I just have to get used to not hiding it,” I smiled back at him. “Can we go inside now?” I shivered.
“Oh god, yes, of course, sorry,” James rambled. Then he proffered his arm to me like a proper gentleman and escorted me inside, away from the cold. In the massive hotel lobby James came to a halt. “Hang on. I have a surprise for you.” Patting down his suit jacket pockets he eventually dug up a little plastic card and held it out to me.
“A keycard?”
“Mhm. I booked us a suite,” he smiled.
“A suite? Here?” I gasped. This was one of the biggest, most exclusive hotels in all of London, and I couldn't even imagine what a suite in here would cost, even just for one night.
“Yes. With a hot tub, a huge bed, a great view, room-service... This year I'm not going to make the same mistake as I did last year.”
“Mistake?” A raised an inquisitive eyebrow at him. James came a step closer and closed his arms around my waist, a flirty, mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Yeah. See, after last years' party I didn't take you up to my hotel room and made love to you all night. I'm not making that mistake again.” I giggled, sensing how I blushed as the heat rose within me.
“I'm really glad you're a man who can learn from his mistakes...” I smiled, taking the keycard from him and risking my lipstick by giving him another kiss. “I forgot to tell you how amazingly handsome you look tonight,” I added, running my fingers through his hair. James blushed for the third time in the space of ten minutes and averted his eyes.
“Thank you..” he mumbled.
“I'm sure we could stand here and stare lovingly at each other all night, but maybe we should go and be a bit sociable?” I suggested. James chuckled and nodded, then he slipped his arm around my lower back and we headed for the party.
“Okay all right, so I sent him a text that he should get his arse out on the stairs,” she admitted with a carefree shrug, grinning. “But come on, you're a vision! He should have the pleasure of watching you emerge from this car like the goddess you are.”
“Oh do shut up,” I giggled. When I stretched for the door-handle, Mindy smacked my hand playfully.
“You uncivilised woman! Don't you know the driver is supposed to open the door for you?” She said loudly. Right on cue the driver opened the door on her side and she slid elegantly out of the car, far more used to wearing long dresses than I were. For a second I sat alone in the car behind tinted windows, waiting for the driver to open my own door. I had to take another deep breath, feeling slightly like I wasn't in my own body. Why was this so nerve-wracking? A gust of cold December-air hit me when the car-door opened. I took the driver's proffered hand and tried my best to copy Mindy's elegant exit. Relieved I found myself on the pavement, on my feet with my dress and my dignity intact. The driver closed the door behind me, and I completely forgot to thank him as my eyes sought out James at the top of the stairs. He was staring at me, mouth slightly open. I saw him blink a few times, how he swallowed and how his jaws tightened the way they always did when he got emotional but tried to hide it. Richard had had the sense to come down to the pavement to escort his wife up the stairs, but James seemed rooted to the spot, unable to move. His intense gaze already had me blushing, smiling shyly. Taking hold of my dress I lifted the hem up slightly and gingerly made my way up the 6 or 7 huge stone steps up to the hotel doorway. Finally coming level with James my eyes met his again.
“Hello,” I said quietly, still smiling shyly.
“I... uh..... ummm,” was all James managed. Then he swallowed hard again and eyed me up and down.
“Umm? That's all I get? It took me four hours, this!” I said teasingly.
“I just... Wow. Can't find the words. I'm not sure there are any,” he mumbled apologetically. Seeing James like this was strange, all fumbling and speechless.
“But I look okay, right?” I stretched out a hand and squeezed his forearm.
“You look absolutely... breathtaking,” he breathed.
“Yeah?”
“You're just... perfect. I can't believe you're here with me, you could have any man you wanted looking like that,” James finished in a quiet mumble, shyly fiddling with his own hands. I took a step closer to James and wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me gingerly back, evidently worried he'd ruin my hair or the dress.
“I don't want any other man, silly. I only want you. I only dress up like this for you,” I said quietly into his ear. Before letting him go I gave him a quick kiss, not wanting to smear my lipstick all over him. Taking a step back, James eyed me up and down again.
“That dress looks... amazing on you,” he smiled, almost blushing again.
“Thank you. I like it, too. No hiding the fact that I'm pregnant in this, though,” I pointed out, running a hand habitually over the ever-growing baby bump.
“I thought you were done hiding it?” James raised an eyebrow at me.
“Yeah, I just have to get used to not hiding it,” I smiled back at him. “Can we go inside now?” I shivered.
“Oh god, yes, of course, sorry,” James rambled. Then he proffered his arm to me like a proper gentleman and escorted me inside, away from the cold. In the massive hotel lobby James came to a halt. “Hang on. I have a surprise for you.” Patting down his suit jacket pockets he eventually dug up a little plastic card and held it out to me.
“A keycard?”
“Mhm. I booked us a suite,” he smiled.
“A suite? Here?” I gasped. This was one of the biggest, most exclusive hotels in all of London, and I couldn't even imagine what a suite in here would cost, even just for one night.
“Yes. With a hot tub, a huge bed, a great view, room-service... This year I'm not going to make the same mistake as I did last year.”
“Mistake?” A raised an inquisitive eyebrow at him. James came a step closer and closed his arms around my waist, a flirty, mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Yeah. See, after last years' party I didn't take you up to my hotel room and made love to you all night. I'm not making that mistake again.” I giggled, sensing how I blushed as the heat rose within me.
“I'm really glad you're a man who can learn from his mistakes...” I smiled, taking the keycard from him and risking my lipstick by giving him another kiss. “I forgot to tell you how amazingly handsome you look tonight,” I added, running my fingers through his hair. James blushed for the third time in the space of ten minutes and averted his eyes.
“Thank you..” he mumbled.
“I'm sure we could stand here and stare lovingly at each other all night, but maybe we should go and be a bit sociable?” I suggested. James chuckled and nodded, then he slipped his arm around my lower back and we headed for the party.
James kept close to me all evening, keeping a protective arm around my lower back or caressing my arm whenever he could. I loved feeling his little signs of endearment, it made my heart skip a beat and I couldn't help but caress him in return. It wasn't like James to be this affectionate in public, but I had seen a lot of new sides in him lately and I knew he didn't do it out of pretense or to be possessive. He was just happy, in love and proud of me, of being with me, just like I was in love and proud of him. Naturally just about every conversation I had that night was about my pregnancy and the coming baby, and I realised that I didn't even mind having the same conversation over and over all night, I never tired of the subject, it was more or less the only thing on my mind anyway. Being at a party and not having a drink in my hands was still something I wasn't used to, but I couldn't help notice that James hardly drank anything either. He probably still had the hangover from last week fresh in his memory, but part of me suspected that he might be doing it out of sympathy for me as well.
James and I were standing by the bar talking when a woman came sauntering out of nowhere. She was tall, nearly as tall as James, with legs up to her neck, tanned skin and gorgeous, wavy blonde hair. I guessed her age to maybe 40, but she was doing a remarkably good job at not looking her age. As she strode towards us I saw James' eyes widen somewhat and he almost took a step backward.
“James, darling!” She said loudly, swooping in and giving him a kiss on each cheek. “How are you?”
“Hello. I'm fine, good, great... Very good, actually,” he rambled, seeming a little flustered. “And you?”
“Oh, you know me, James, I keep busy,” she said, patting his shirt-clad chest a little too familiarly. I felt like air, completely translucent, non-existent. “I work at ITV now, assistant AD. Much more my kind of thing, don't you know. Top Gear wasn't really the place for me, far too much testosterone and Peter Pan-complexes flying around,” she tittered, rolling her eyes. “It was fun, though,” she finished with a wink. Then, as if she had suddenly realised that I was standing there, she did a theatrical double-take and turned to me.
“Oh, hello! Do pardon my manners, dear. I'm Janet,” she said, extending a lean, muscular arm with a diamond-studded bracelet and perfectly manicured nails. “James and I are ex-colleauges and, well... Just exes in general, aren't we, James?” She giggled and nudged him, still shaking my hand. I felt my heart stop in my chest and everything inside me froze. Ex?
“Oh...” I mumbled, almost inaudibly, trying my best to force my face into a polite, smiling expression.
“You must be the Emily that I've heard so much about?” She continued as I didn't get myself to say anything, let alone introduce myself. “I saw you at last year's party but we never formally met.”
“Uh, yes, yes I am...,” I said weakly. Everything inside me wanted to retort something along the lines of 'I have never heard of you before, though'. But as always I was too pleasant to say what was really on my mind, or too much of a coward. I felt incredibly intimidated by this woman in her expensive dress and even more expensive shoes. Next to her I felt minuscule, grey and incredibly ordinary. Obviously done with me, she turned to James again.
“How did you find this one again, James?” She asked. Her voice was polite, but there was an undertone of derision in there somewhere.
“We met in Syria during the shoot of that special we did down there. When I went to the hospital to be checked out, she was working there,” James explained.
“Oh, that accident was awful to watch, I was so worried when you didn't move!” She said in such a way that there could be no doubt she had been there. “So you're a doctor, then?” She asked, suddenly seeming a little more interested in me.
“Um, no, no, I'm a nurse, actually...” I mumbled, feeling myself shrink away even more.
“Oh..” she said, and looked at me with what seemed like a mixture of pity and condescension. “I'm sure that must be a very... rewarding occupation.” She gave me the most fake smile I had ever seen and turned her attention to James again.
“I heard you went to Africa on another challenge again? I am most jealous!” At this point she playfully slapped his chest. “As uncomfortable and exhausting as those trips were, they were always worth it. So many gorgeous places we've seen! We had some hot and sticky times, didn't we?” She smiled, but I heard seduction in her voice and saw the flirtatious spark in her eye. My entire innards revolved with jealousy. James was so flustered by what she was saying he opened his mouth but no sound came out. Clearing his throat he finally found his voice again.
“Yeah, it was a good one, it'll make a good double-episode I hope,” James jabbered.
“Where in Africa did you go this time? And what was the premise?”
“Uganda, Rwanda, Tanzania... Searching for the source of the Nile, actually,” James explained.
“Only you three idiots could come up with a task as daft as that,” she tittered. “Anyway, I guess you'll have to cut back on the travelling now, won't you James. I heard you're becoming a father!” At this James finally lit up a little, and I felt his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in closer.
“Yes, I am,” he nodded. “So yeah, I'm going to cut back a little on work, especially the travelling.”
“When is the magical date?” Can't be long?” She said, eyeing me up and down. James opened his mouth, but no words came out. He looked sideways at me, slightly horrified.
“Er... May 14th, or thereabouts,” I answered hurriedly.
“I guess congratulations are in order, then?” She smiled, without actually saying congratulations. “What on earth did you do to get this man to settle down? And to agree to have a baby?!” She continued, leaning into James and patting his chest for the umpteenth time during the conversation. “Honestly I thought I'd never see the day.” At this point I'd had quite enough, I needed to get away, and quickly.
“Uhm... I don't know, ask James,” I said in an offhand sort of way. “Now, I have a baby tap-dancing on my bladder, if you'll excuse me,” I said hurriedly, wrenched myself out of James' grasp and headed for the exit. I strode right past the entrance to the bathroom and walked hurriedly through to the hotel room lobby. Digging out the keycard James had given me earlier I was relieved to find that it had the hotel room number written on it. Shuffling my feet restlessly I pushed the button for the elevator ten times until it finally opened and I could escape into safety. Exiting on the 9th floor I quickly found the room number and entered. As I flicked on the lights for a second I didn't even take the time to admire the room before flicking them off again. I wanted darkness. Making my way through the dark room I slumped down on the sofa and kicked my shoes off. Finally I dared unleash the chaos of thoughts and feelings that were whirring around in my brain. She was James' ex? And she had worked on the show? The fact that I had never known that came as a huge surprise, and the biggest surprise was that James had never told me. What else didn't I know? As my dark and jealous thoughts spun out of control I completely lost track of time. A gentle knock on the door tore me out of my preoccupation. I didn't answer. I heard a keycard being pushed into the slot and the door opening, then closing. James turned on some of the lights, but not all of them. Stubbornly I refused to turn around to look at him. I saw him in the corner of my eye as he rounded the sofa and sat down next to me.
“Hello,” he said softly, looking at me warily, gauging my mood.
“Hi..” I mumbled, then silence fell again.
“You know, they have bathrooms downstairs as well,” he said gently, trying to break the ice. I wasn't in the mood for jokes and didn't reply. James kept looking at me, still trying to gauge my temper, keeping his mouth shut in fear of making it worse. In the long silence that followed I tried to decide which question to ask first.
“Was she the one you were dating when you met me?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said simply.
“Was she with you in Syria? Were you dating then?”
“Yes.”
“And was she at the studio when you took me there?”
“Mm,” James admitted, squirming a little now.
“Were you still with her at last years' Christmas party?”
“No,” James said, relieved to finally be able to shake his head. “I broke it off around early November, I think.”
“Oh...” I fiddled with my hands, and James still kept quiet. “I just... never knew she worked on the show. And that she was in Syria, and at the studio... You never told me that.” Accusation was seeping through my voice like poison.
“She worked in the AD-department, god knows doing what exactly. When I ended it, she kept her distance for a while. Or maybe I just didn't notice her, all I could think about was you anyway. And then, when we had that... stupid argument, I was so unhappy. She picked up on it, probably even guessed why, you women are eerie like that. Anyway, she kept coming on to me, flirting, trying to kiss me...” While James spoke I felt my heart sink to the floor, a frail glass heart just waiting to be stomped on. What was he trying to tell me? Had something happened between James and her in those six weeks we didn't see each other? As soon as the thought entered my head, I felt my bottom lip starting to quiver. But James had broken up with me. If something had happened, had he technically done anything wrong? In my minds eye I could just picture it happen; James at work, tired and unhappy, in desperate need for some comfort or a distraction. “Emily? Are you even listening to me?”
“Huh what? Sorry, yeah.” I shook my head in an effort to clear it, then swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the painful lump in my throat.
“As I was saying, I kept having to turn her down, push her away. I couldn't find any comfort in her company anyway, you were the only thing on my mind, I was missing you so much. In the end I think she packed up and found another job because she couldn't deal with being rejected. She's probably never been turned down by a man in her entire life. Especially not by someone like... me,” James finished with a sad little shrug. When I still said nothing James sighed and took my hand in both of his, squeezing it tight. “Emily, listen... I'm sorry that I never told you she used to work on the show, to be honest it never really crossed my mind that I should have told you. I broke it off with her because you were all I could think of in the first place. And when you and I got together I didn't think to tell you, I was just so caught up in... you, and us. Then she resigned and I never saw her any more. Nothing happened between her and me after the relationship ended. Please, don't be angry with me, I didn't mean to lie or hide anything from you.”
“I'm not angry with you,” I said a little irritably.
“...No?” James asked, scepticism etched in his voice.
“No. I'm angry at myself for letting her get to me. And for letting all my crazy, paranoid, super-jealous hormones completely take over my brain. I'm such a pathetic... woman!” I huffed. Listening to James talking, I had realised I wasn't really angry with him, I really didn't have a reason to. I had known he was dating someone when we met, the fact that she had worked on Top Gear really wasn't that significant. Not unless I made it out to be, but that was my choice. He had a past just like I had, and sometimes that past would catch up with us. James let out a snort of laughter before he managed to stop himself.
“No, sweetheart...” He said, squeezing my hand comfortingly. “You're a pregnant woman. Taking that into consideration, I'm impressed you didn't punch her in the face.”
“Ooooh, I would've loved to. And broken all her pretty dental veneers. I hate her,” I sulked, crossing my arms over my chest like a defiant child. “She made me feel short. And fat. And ugly. And boring.” When I had finished moping, James looked at me under raised eyebrows, biting his bottom lip in an effort not to laugh at me. Looking at him, I heard the echo of what I had just said in my own head, and we both broke down giggling. “You know... Looking at her, I can't believe you chose someone like me over her, though,” I admitted when I had finished laughing, still feeling that nagging insecurity.
“Oh, Emily... It was never a choice. After I met you... There was only you. And I can't believe how lucky I was that you wanted me back.” At these words I was the one who had to bite my lip, this time in an effort not to break down crying. James saw my eye well up and cocked his head a little.
“I.... Thank you,” I sniffed. “God damn it! I hate this emotional fucking roller-coaster. I can't control it.”
“Emily, don't let her get to you. She was just out to upset you, trying to push all your buttons. And by sitting up here you're just letting her win,” James said, showing an uncharacteristic understanding of the female psyche. “She's just... jealous, I think. God knows why, she could have literally any man she wanted, god knows why she's got her mind set on me.”
“I think that's exactly why,” I said as I sat up a little straighter and posessively wrapped my arms around James' neck. “See, she's found a man she absolutely cannot have, and its driving her up the wall. She's not getting her way, and she just can't deal with it.”
“Mmm, maybe,” James hummed, absent-mindedly caressing my shoulder. “Come back downstairs, please? Don't let her ruin tonight. Let's go back, we'll talk to our friends, have some fun. And I want to dance with you. A lot. Because even if I'm a rubbish dancer, I love dancing with you.”
“That sounds nice. I want to dance with you too.” Seeing James smiling at me, I had already completely forgotten about that woman downstairs.
“Good,” he said and gave me a little kiss. “Come on, then.” James got up and extended a hand to me, helping me up from the sofa. Still holding his hand for support I shoved my feet back into my shoes. Hand in hand we left the hotel room and walked down the hallway towards the elevator.
“James?”
“Mm?”
“Thank you. For being so... patient,” I said quietly. I pressed the button, calling the lift to our floor.
“I'm not being patient. I just love you.” A little silence fell as we waited for the elevator.
“James?”
“Mm?”
“How on earth could you date such a horrid bitch?” At this question James let out his loud, characteristic laugh, his eyes crinkling up.
“God knows. She was very good at pretending to be likeable. For a while.”
“Pfff, you were just blinded by her mile-long legs ending in a very short skirt,” I snorted.
“All right, fine,” he chortled, rolling his eyes. There was a ding, the elevator doors opened and we stepped inside. James pressed the button for the first floor. Turning to face him I buried my fingers in his hair and messed it up. “What are you doing?” James frowned.
“I want her to think we only sneaked off to have a quick shag,” I said seriously. A sly smirk spread on James' face and he wrapped his arms around my lower back, pulling me in as close as possible. Leaning down a little he brushed his nose against mine, his lips hovering over my mouth. At the same time I felt one of his hands slide down my back to caress the curve of my bum.
“You know, we could actually...” he whispered. Before he could finish his sentence I took his bottom lip in a kiss, sucking on it a little before pulling away.
“Mmmm, tempting,” I hummed. “But you promised me lots of dancing.” James huffed in frustration.
“I guess I did,” he conceded.
“There's always later,” I reminded him. Grabbing him by the lapels on his tuxedo jacket I pulled him in for a long, needy kiss, completely disregarding the state of my lipstick. We were both so caught up in the kiss neither of us heard the ding as the elevator doors opened. The sound of someone clearing their throat made me pull away. Standing by the elevator door was an elderly lady, looking rather shocked at our unseemly behaviour. I felt myself blushing furiously as I grabbed James' hand and quickly strode past her out of the elevator. When we heard the elevator door close behind us we both burst out giggling like childish teenagers.
James and I were standing by the bar talking when a woman came sauntering out of nowhere. She was tall, nearly as tall as James, with legs up to her neck, tanned skin and gorgeous, wavy blonde hair. I guessed her age to maybe 40, but she was doing a remarkably good job at not looking her age. As she strode towards us I saw James' eyes widen somewhat and he almost took a step backward.
“James, darling!” She said loudly, swooping in and giving him a kiss on each cheek. “How are you?”
“Hello. I'm fine, good, great... Very good, actually,” he rambled, seeming a little flustered. “And you?”
“Oh, you know me, James, I keep busy,” she said, patting his shirt-clad chest a little too familiarly. I felt like air, completely translucent, non-existent. “I work at ITV now, assistant AD. Much more my kind of thing, don't you know. Top Gear wasn't really the place for me, far too much testosterone and Peter Pan-complexes flying around,” she tittered, rolling her eyes. “It was fun, though,” she finished with a wink. Then, as if she had suddenly realised that I was standing there, she did a theatrical double-take and turned to me.
“Oh, hello! Do pardon my manners, dear. I'm Janet,” she said, extending a lean, muscular arm with a diamond-studded bracelet and perfectly manicured nails. “James and I are ex-colleauges and, well... Just exes in general, aren't we, James?” She giggled and nudged him, still shaking my hand. I felt my heart stop in my chest and everything inside me froze. Ex?
“Oh...” I mumbled, almost inaudibly, trying my best to force my face into a polite, smiling expression.
“You must be the Emily that I've heard so much about?” She continued as I didn't get myself to say anything, let alone introduce myself. “I saw you at last year's party but we never formally met.”
“Uh, yes, yes I am...,” I said weakly. Everything inside me wanted to retort something along the lines of 'I have never heard of you before, though'. But as always I was too pleasant to say what was really on my mind, or too much of a coward. I felt incredibly intimidated by this woman in her expensive dress and even more expensive shoes. Next to her I felt minuscule, grey and incredibly ordinary. Obviously done with me, she turned to James again.
“How did you find this one again, James?” She asked. Her voice was polite, but there was an undertone of derision in there somewhere.
“We met in Syria during the shoot of that special we did down there. When I went to the hospital to be checked out, she was working there,” James explained.
“Oh, that accident was awful to watch, I was so worried when you didn't move!” She said in such a way that there could be no doubt she had been there. “So you're a doctor, then?” She asked, suddenly seeming a little more interested in me.
“Um, no, no, I'm a nurse, actually...” I mumbled, feeling myself shrink away even more.
“Oh..” she said, and looked at me with what seemed like a mixture of pity and condescension. “I'm sure that must be a very... rewarding occupation.” She gave me the most fake smile I had ever seen and turned her attention to James again.
“I heard you went to Africa on another challenge again? I am most jealous!” At this point she playfully slapped his chest. “As uncomfortable and exhausting as those trips were, they were always worth it. So many gorgeous places we've seen! We had some hot and sticky times, didn't we?” She smiled, but I heard seduction in her voice and saw the flirtatious spark in her eye. My entire innards revolved with jealousy. James was so flustered by what she was saying he opened his mouth but no sound came out. Clearing his throat he finally found his voice again.
“Yeah, it was a good one, it'll make a good double-episode I hope,” James jabbered.
“Where in Africa did you go this time? And what was the premise?”
“Uganda, Rwanda, Tanzania... Searching for the source of the Nile, actually,” James explained.
“Only you three idiots could come up with a task as daft as that,” she tittered. “Anyway, I guess you'll have to cut back on the travelling now, won't you James. I heard you're becoming a father!” At this James finally lit up a little, and I felt his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in closer.
“Yes, I am,” he nodded. “So yeah, I'm going to cut back a little on work, especially the travelling.”
“When is the magical date?” Can't be long?” She said, eyeing me up and down. James opened his mouth, but no words came out. He looked sideways at me, slightly horrified.
“Er... May 14th, or thereabouts,” I answered hurriedly.
“I guess congratulations are in order, then?” She smiled, without actually saying congratulations. “What on earth did you do to get this man to settle down? And to agree to have a baby?!” She continued, leaning into James and patting his chest for the umpteenth time during the conversation. “Honestly I thought I'd never see the day.” At this point I'd had quite enough, I needed to get away, and quickly.
“Uhm... I don't know, ask James,” I said in an offhand sort of way. “Now, I have a baby tap-dancing on my bladder, if you'll excuse me,” I said hurriedly, wrenched myself out of James' grasp and headed for the exit. I strode right past the entrance to the bathroom and walked hurriedly through to the hotel room lobby. Digging out the keycard James had given me earlier I was relieved to find that it had the hotel room number written on it. Shuffling my feet restlessly I pushed the button for the elevator ten times until it finally opened and I could escape into safety. Exiting on the 9th floor I quickly found the room number and entered. As I flicked on the lights for a second I didn't even take the time to admire the room before flicking them off again. I wanted darkness. Making my way through the dark room I slumped down on the sofa and kicked my shoes off. Finally I dared unleash the chaos of thoughts and feelings that were whirring around in my brain. She was James' ex? And she had worked on the show? The fact that I had never known that came as a huge surprise, and the biggest surprise was that James had never told me. What else didn't I know? As my dark and jealous thoughts spun out of control I completely lost track of time. A gentle knock on the door tore me out of my preoccupation. I didn't answer. I heard a keycard being pushed into the slot and the door opening, then closing. James turned on some of the lights, but not all of them. Stubbornly I refused to turn around to look at him. I saw him in the corner of my eye as he rounded the sofa and sat down next to me.
“Hello,” he said softly, looking at me warily, gauging my mood.
“Hi..” I mumbled, then silence fell again.
“You know, they have bathrooms downstairs as well,” he said gently, trying to break the ice. I wasn't in the mood for jokes and didn't reply. James kept looking at me, still trying to gauge my temper, keeping his mouth shut in fear of making it worse. In the long silence that followed I tried to decide which question to ask first.
“Was she the one you were dating when you met me?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said simply.
“Was she with you in Syria? Were you dating then?”
“Yes.”
“And was she at the studio when you took me there?”
“Mm,” James admitted, squirming a little now.
“Were you still with her at last years' Christmas party?”
“No,” James said, relieved to finally be able to shake his head. “I broke it off around early November, I think.”
“Oh...” I fiddled with my hands, and James still kept quiet. “I just... never knew she worked on the show. And that she was in Syria, and at the studio... You never told me that.” Accusation was seeping through my voice like poison.
“She worked in the AD-department, god knows doing what exactly. When I ended it, she kept her distance for a while. Or maybe I just didn't notice her, all I could think about was you anyway. And then, when we had that... stupid argument, I was so unhappy. She picked up on it, probably even guessed why, you women are eerie like that. Anyway, she kept coming on to me, flirting, trying to kiss me...” While James spoke I felt my heart sink to the floor, a frail glass heart just waiting to be stomped on. What was he trying to tell me? Had something happened between James and her in those six weeks we didn't see each other? As soon as the thought entered my head, I felt my bottom lip starting to quiver. But James had broken up with me. If something had happened, had he technically done anything wrong? In my minds eye I could just picture it happen; James at work, tired and unhappy, in desperate need for some comfort or a distraction. “Emily? Are you even listening to me?”
“Huh what? Sorry, yeah.” I shook my head in an effort to clear it, then swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the painful lump in my throat.
“As I was saying, I kept having to turn her down, push her away. I couldn't find any comfort in her company anyway, you were the only thing on my mind, I was missing you so much. In the end I think she packed up and found another job because she couldn't deal with being rejected. She's probably never been turned down by a man in her entire life. Especially not by someone like... me,” James finished with a sad little shrug. When I still said nothing James sighed and took my hand in both of his, squeezing it tight. “Emily, listen... I'm sorry that I never told you she used to work on the show, to be honest it never really crossed my mind that I should have told you. I broke it off with her because you were all I could think of in the first place. And when you and I got together I didn't think to tell you, I was just so caught up in... you, and us. Then she resigned and I never saw her any more. Nothing happened between her and me after the relationship ended. Please, don't be angry with me, I didn't mean to lie or hide anything from you.”
“I'm not angry with you,” I said a little irritably.
“...No?” James asked, scepticism etched in his voice.
“No. I'm angry at myself for letting her get to me. And for letting all my crazy, paranoid, super-jealous hormones completely take over my brain. I'm such a pathetic... woman!” I huffed. Listening to James talking, I had realised I wasn't really angry with him, I really didn't have a reason to. I had known he was dating someone when we met, the fact that she had worked on Top Gear really wasn't that significant. Not unless I made it out to be, but that was my choice. He had a past just like I had, and sometimes that past would catch up with us. James let out a snort of laughter before he managed to stop himself.
“No, sweetheart...” He said, squeezing my hand comfortingly. “You're a pregnant woman. Taking that into consideration, I'm impressed you didn't punch her in the face.”
“Ooooh, I would've loved to. And broken all her pretty dental veneers. I hate her,” I sulked, crossing my arms over my chest like a defiant child. “She made me feel short. And fat. And ugly. And boring.” When I had finished moping, James looked at me under raised eyebrows, biting his bottom lip in an effort not to laugh at me. Looking at him, I heard the echo of what I had just said in my own head, and we both broke down giggling. “You know... Looking at her, I can't believe you chose someone like me over her, though,” I admitted when I had finished laughing, still feeling that nagging insecurity.
“Oh, Emily... It was never a choice. After I met you... There was only you. And I can't believe how lucky I was that you wanted me back.” At these words I was the one who had to bite my lip, this time in an effort not to break down crying. James saw my eye well up and cocked his head a little.
“I.... Thank you,” I sniffed. “God damn it! I hate this emotional fucking roller-coaster. I can't control it.”
“Emily, don't let her get to you. She was just out to upset you, trying to push all your buttons. And by sitting up here you're just letting her win,” James said, showing an uncharacteristic understanding of the female psyche. “She's just... jealous, I think. God knows why, she could have literally any man she wanted, god knows why she's got her mind set on me.”
“I think that's exactly why,” I said as I sat up a little straighter and posessively wrapped my arms around James' neck. “See, she's found a man she absolutely cannot have, and its driving her up the wall. She's not getting her way, and she just can't deal with it.”
“Mmm, maybe,” James hummed, absent-mindedly caressing my shoulder. “Come back downstairs, please? Don't let her ruin tonight. Let's go back, we'll talk to our friends, have some fun. And I want to dance with you. A lot. Because even if I'm a rubbish dancer, I love dancing with you.”
“That sounds nice. I want to dance with you too.” Seeing James smiling at me, I had already completely forgotten about that woman downstairs.
“Good,” he said and gave me a little kiss. “Come on, then.” James got up and extended a hand to me, helping me up from the sofa. Still holding his hand for support I shoved my feet back into my shoes. Hand in hand we left the hotel room and walked down the hallway towards the elevator.
“James?”
“Mm?”
“Thank you. For being so... patient,” I said quietly. I pressed the button, calling the lift to our floor.
“I'm not being patient. I just love you.” A little silence fell as we waited for the elevator.
“James?”
“Mm?”
“How on earth could you date such a horrid bitch?” At this question James let out his loud, characteristic laugh, his eyes crinkling up.
“God knows. She was very good at pretending to be likeable. For a while.”
“Pfff, you were just blinded by her mile-long legs ending in a very short skirt,” I snorted.
“All right, fine,” he chortled, rolling his eyes. There was a ding, the elevator doors opened and we stepped inside. James pressed the button for the first floor. Turning to face him I buried my fingers in his hair and messed it up. “What are you doing?” James frowned.
“I want her to think we only sneaked off to have a quick shag,” I said seriously. A sly smirk spread on James' face and he wrapped his arms around my lower back, pulling me in as close as possible. Leaning down a little he brushed his nose against mine, his lips hovering over my mouth. At the same time I felt one of his hands slide down my back to caress the curve of my bum.
“You know, we could actually...” he whispered. Before he could finish his sentence I took his bottom lip in a kiss, sucking on it a little before pulling away.
“Mmmm, tempting,” I hummed. “But you promised me lots of dancing.” James huffed in frustration.
“I guess I did,” he conceded.
“There's always later,” I reminded him. Grabbing him by the lapels on his tuxedo jacket I pulled him in for a long, needy kiss, completely disregarding the state of my lipstick. We were both so caught up in the kiss neither of us heard the ding as the elevator doors opened. The sound of someone clearing their throat made me pull away. Standing by the elevator door was an elderly lady, looking rather shocked at our unseemly behaviour. I felt myself blushing furiously as I grabbed James' hand and quickly strode past her out of the elevator. When we heard the elevator door close behind us we both burst out giggling like childish teenagers.
Later that night I found myself on the dance floor, arms wrapped closely around James. I had managed to push the thought of that awful woman out of my mind and enjoy myself after we had returned to the party. I had goofed around on the dance-floor with Hamster and Jezza, having lots of laughs. But now the music was slowing down and it was James' turn.
“Can you believe its been a year since we were last here?” James mumbled.
“Hmm.. Both yes and no. Just... So much has happened this past year, you know?”
“Yeah, I know. I'm just... amazed you still want to be with me, considering all of my cock-ups,” he mumbled apologetically.
“Aaw, James... You're not the only one who made some mistakes.” I said, caressing the back of his neck. “Of course I still want to be with you. I love living my life with you.” At this James smiled a little shyly, then gave me a grateful kiss.
“You know, a year ago, when we were dancing like this... The entire time, all I could think was 'kiss her. Kiss her, you daft coward'.”
“At least you did a few weeks later,” I smiled. “You're welcome to kiss me again, by the way, because Janet is watching and she's looking a little sour,” I added with an evil grin. I had caught her staring in the corner of my eye, and I couldn't help but feel a little gleeful.
“You're really enjoying making her jealous, aren't you?” James chuckled.
“Immensely.” James obliged and gave me another kiss. Sighing happily I wrapped my arms tighter around him and rested my head on his shoulder as we revolved slowly. “James?”
“Mm?” He hummed blissfully.
“About a year from now, when you see me in my sweats, with spit-up all over me and huge black rings under my eyes, and a birds nest for hair, weeping into a bowl of baby porridge, completely wrecked by the breastfeeding fog, looking like the plague...” While I spoke James chuckled quietly. “Could you just do me a favour and please remember me like this?” I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked at him pleadingly.
“I'm sure you'll look just as beautiful then as you do now,” James said seriously.
“Liar,” I snorted.
“I promise that I will always remember you like this. For as long as I live,” he vowed.
“Good answer,” I sighed, smiling so widely it almost hurt. “Listen, I know you said you wanted to dance with me a lot, but is there any chance we could just skip that and go back upstairs?” I suggested innocently, fiddling with one of his lapels. “We could dance upstairs, too..?”
“That is a most excellent suggestion,” he grinned.
“Can you believe its been a year since we were last here?” James mumbled.
“Hmm.. Both yes and no. Just... So much has happened this past year, you know?”
“Yeah, I know. I'm just... amazed you still want to be with me, considering all of my cock-ups,” he mumbled apologetically.
“Aaw, James... You're not the only one who made some mistakes.” I said, caressing the back of his neck. “Of course I still want to be with you. I love living my life with you.” At this James smiled a little shyly, then gave me a grateful kiss.
“You know, a year ago, when we were dancing like this... The entire time, all I could think was 'kiss her. Kiss her, you daft coward'.”
“At least you did a few weeks later,” I smiled. “You're welcome to kiss me again, by the way, because Janet is watching and she's looking a little sour,” I added with an evil grin. I had caught her staring in the corner of my eye, and I couldn't help but feel a little gleeful.
“You're really enjoying making her jealous, aren't you?” James chuckled.
“Immensely.” James obliged and gave me another kiss. Sighing happily I wrapped my arms tighter around him and rested my head on his shoulder as we revolved slowly. “James?”
“Mm?” He hummed blissfully.
“About a year from now, when you see me in my sweats, with spit-up all over me and huge black rings under my eyes, and a birds nest for hair, weeping into a bowl of baby porridge, completely wrecked by the breastfeeding fog, looking like the plague...” While I spoke James chuckled quietly. “Could you just do me a favour and please remember me like this?” I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked at him pleadingly.
“I'm sure you'll look just as beautiful then as you do now,” James said seriously.
“Liar,” I snorted.
“I promise that I will always remember you like this. For as long as I live,” he vowed.
“Good answer,” I sighed, smiling so widely it almost hurt. “Listen, I know you said you wanted to dance with me a lot, but is there any chance we could just skip that and go back upstairs?” I suggested innocently, fiddling with one of his lapels. “We could dance upstairs, too..?”
“That is a most excellent suggestion,” he grinned.
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