Chapter 58

Richard was still sleeping soundly when I woke up. My restless legs made it impossible to get any more sleep, so I quietly snuck out of bed, put on a pair of jeans and padded downstairs. At first I let the dogs out into the garden, then set about making breakfast. Right on time, Richard appeared in the kitchen doorway, tousle-haired and yawning.

«Perfect timing! Breakfast is ready!» I smiled.

«Something smells... incredible,» he observed, sitting down on a barstool by the kitchen counter.

«You see, in our house, if someone is feeling a bit under the weather... We make banana pancakes!» I announced, flopping a pancake onto Richard's plate. «And if things get really bad.... We have chocolate sauce on it,» I continued, making a smiley on his pancake with the chocolate.

«Wooooow!» Richard exclaimed, smiling from ear to ear. Grabbing his knife and fork he dove into his pancake. Still with his mouth full he mumbled: «I have never been more jealous of James in my entire life.»

«Actually, he's better at making them than me. I don't know what he does, he refuses to tell me,» I said as I sat down to eat. Richard didn't have time to talk at all while he munched his way through the stack of pancakes. Finished eating, he straightened up and looked at me.

«Ems, I have to ask... Are you going to tell James about... what happened?»

«Honestly, I don't know. I'm not sure I see the point. It was just a few kisses, and I think telling him will do more hurt than good, frankly.» After Richard had fallen asleep the night before I had given it some thought. I felt guilty for what had happened. The fact that Richard had kissed me wasn't my fault, but I had kissed him back, and I hadn't pushed him away instantly, and that fact kept niggling at me. But should I tell James, just to relieve my own guilty conscience? What would that confession do to him, and to our relationship, not to mention the friendship between him and Richard? Would it do him any good at all to know? I hated the thought of keeping secrets from him, but this one just seemed so unimportant in the major scheme of things.

«I know what you mean...» Richard agreed. «And in any case, if he should know about it, he should hear it from me and not you. It was my fault, it's me he should be angry with, not you, you don't deserve that.»

«I don't know about that...» I mumbled, feeling another wave of guilt.

«Oh stop it. I started it, I was the bastard here. Besides, you have your pregnant hormones to blame. I don't have any excuse.»

«You have a penis?» I smirked, and Richard nodded slowly, considering this as an excuse. There was a little silence as Richard fiddled with his own hands. When he finally looked up from the floor he shot me a mischievous look, grinning boyishly.

«At least I got to kiss you, find out what that was like,» he said proudly. I couldn't help but laugh as I shook my head exasperatedly, patting his knee. Then, not quite knowing what got into me I leaned forwards and gave him a slow, considered kiss, the last one I would ever give him.

«You'll get over it,» I said as I pulled back, patting his knee again. Richard looked at me, wide-eyed and with his mouth hanging open.

«No, I won't. You taste like chocolate-banana-pancakes. I can't get over that!» he complained. Then we both broke out laughing, somehow it had managed to break whatever uncomfortable tension there had been between us. Richard sighed sadly. «James is such a lucky man. He better remember that. If he doesn't, I'll be sure to remind him,» he said firmly.

«Thank you,» I smiled as I slid off the barstool and began clearing up the kitchen. Contrary to the previous day the sun was shining outside, it was a crisp and clear November-day and we decided to take the dogs for a long walk before I headed back to London.

“Do you know when Mindy is coming home?” I asked as I stood in the hallway, bag by my feet, ready to leave.

“Hopefully tonight, the girls have school tomorrow,” he shrugged, looking so upset and lost I felt bad for leaving him.

“Then she will, she won't let this affect the girl's everyday life. When she gets back, just... talk to her. More importantly, listen to her, try to figure out what she's really trying to say.”

“Okay...” Richard nodded sadly.

“And if you need someone to talk to, just give me a ring. Any time. Okay?”

“You sure?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course. I care about you, and about Mindy. And as I said, I'm always there for my mates,” I assured him. He nodded again and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly.

“Thank you. For.. everything,” he said quietly, and gave me a lingering kiss on the cheek before letting me go. “Drive safely. Take care of yourself, yeah? And the baby,” he smiled, trying to push away his own sadness.

“I will,” I nodded as I slipped on my jacket and headed out into the car, headed back home.

The next week I took on a few extra shifts at the hospital, taking care to not tell James about it. I needed the week to go by faster, I was restless and missed James a lot, and in stead of obsessing about it I decided to just occupy myself. Richard sent texts or called me a few times, needing some support or advice, even if he and Mindy had had some good talks when she had returned, and things seemed to have calmed down somewhat. The guilt of what had happened between him and me came and went, but I stuck to my decision of not telling James. I couldn't bear the thought of how he might react. It would hurt him, disappoint him, anger him...

The day James was coming home his flight didn't land until closer to midnight. I knew that if I tried to stay awake I would just pass out on the sofa anyway, my pregnancy was still causing me to be constantly tired. Hence I thought it best to just crawl into bed and sleep until he came home. I was woken by a warm cheek against mine, then a kiss to the mouth. James was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning over me. I had given him strict orders to wake me up when he came home, and he hadn't dared disobey me.

“Hi, sweetheart,” I said groggily and wrapped heavy arms around him, hugging him back. “Welcome home.”

“Hello... Mm, I've missed you,” he hummed against my neck. He gave me another kiss before straightening up a little. I barely saw him through the light from the hallway and I turned on the bedside lamp, squinting to focus on him.

“I've missed you too,” I smiled.

“I need a shower.. Then I'll come join you,” he said, also smiling.

“Okay, baby...” I watched him as he got up and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. A minute of silence, then I heard the shower going. For a while I just lay there listening to the splashes of water from the bathroom, feeling how calmness spread throughout me now that I knew James was home again. Stretching a little I tried to wake myself up, not wanting to fall asleep again before he was back. I heaved myself out of bed and pulled on my top, then shuffled downstairs to get myself a drink. Having gotten a bottle of water out of the fridge I flicked on the iPad lying on the counter, quickly checking my mail and twitter while I drank. When I returned upstairs James was sitting in bed, glasses on his nose and phone in hand, obviously reading through his own mails and tweets. Hearing my footsteps he looked at me over the top of his glasses.

“There you are,” he smiled, taking his glasses off and putting his phone down. Looking at me he frowned a little, then stretched out an arm towards me. “Hey, come here.” While I padded over the bedroom floor James kept looking at me, the expression on his face one I hadn't seen before, impenetrable and mysterious. As I reached him he put his palm on my stomach. “Look at you...” he said quietly, his eyes shooting up to look into mine before returning to my tummy.

“Yeah, I know... I woke up one day and suddenly there was this... baby bump!” I said, throwing my arms out in mock surprise. James looked equally terrified, gob smacked and excited as he stared unblinkingly at me. My waist had gone through a little growth spurt while James had been away, I had happened so quickly I hadn't noticed it until suddenly some of my tightest pairs jeans wouldn't fit one morning. Crawling into bed I climbed over James and laid down, looking up at him. Leaning on one elbow he laid on his side, still mesmerized by the little bump on my tummy. “It's still pretty easy to hide with clothes...” I said as I pulled up my shirt and traced my palms over it. “I've felt pregnant for a while already, you know? Nauseous, tired, hormonal...”

“...Horny...” James added with a quiet chuckle.

“Yes, yes!” I said impatiently, blushing a little at the reminder. “But I haven't seen the difference before, not until now, and that's... strange.”

“When I left two weeks ago I couldn't see it at all. It makes it a lot more... real,” James admitted, glancing quickly at me.

“And more scary?” I asked kindly, running my hand through his hair.

“Hmm, no. It's already scary,” he said with a smile. “But... I like it, too.” Lying down he rested his head on my shoulder. His warm, big palm was on my tummy again, protective and tender, getting to know this new shape my body was taking. I sighed happily and kissed his forehead, enjoying his caresses and his weight against me. “Can you... feel anything yet?” He asked, always looking timid and shy when he asked me anything about the pregnancy, as if he was asking about something too personal or private.

“Mno, it's too early I think. First timers rarely feel anything until they're past week 20, maybe closer to 25. That's what I've read anyway. The thought of having something alive, moving inside me... I might blow a gasket the day I feel that, to be honest.” At this admission James laughed loudly.

“I really can't blame you if you do, I would too!” He agreed.

“A mate of mine back in Norway was genuinely terrified of pregnant women.”

“What? Why?” James looked at me, frowning.

“I guess he'd seen the Alien-movies one time too many, you know? He was expecting a little monster to burst out of there, I think.” James laughed loudly again, shaking his head.

“You had really odd mates,” he chuckled, looking up at me.

“Mm. But I like odd. That's why I'm with you,” I teased, pulling him closer and looking into his eyes. “I've missed you.”

“I've missed you, too,” he said quietly, leaning in and giving me a long, considerate kiss. A pang went through me as I had a sudden flashback to the hallway, to the feeling of Richard's hands on me, his lips on mine. Not because I preferred that, or missed it. I didn't know why, maybe because being kissed by James reminded me of it, and the guilt shot through me once again. I kissed him back a little hurriedly and pulled back, clearing my throat.

“How was your flight, then?”

“It was okay... I slept most of the way. Now I don't know if it's night or day, and I doubt I'll be able to sleep any time soon,” he grumbled.

“That's... inexperienced of you,” I teased. “Haven't you been to the states enough to have learned not to do that by now?”

“I probably should have,” he sighed. “Going there I'm always fine, but coming back I'm jet-lagged for bloody weeks!”

“I know, I was the same way when I went to California ages ago.”

“So you know what it's like! Then be nice and understanding and stay awake with me,” he pouted.

“Aaw, I'm sorry, pumpkin,” I apologised and rubbed my nose against his. We stayed up talking for a long time, mostly I let James talk about his trip to America while I listened quietly, playing absent-mindedly with his long hair. Lying next to James in our bed, having his arms around me and his hands caressing me, suddenly made me feel incredibly guilty for what had happened with Richard, much more than I thought it would. Privately I was fighting with myself, trying to reassure myself that the guilt would fade away, that telling him would do more bad than good, but I couldn't shake it. Eventually James picked up on it, and his constant flow of words ground to a halt.

“You're being very quiet? Tired?” He asked, yanking me out of my preoccupied silence.

“What? No, not tired, just... thinking.”

“Something you want to talk about?” He asked after a moments hesitation.

“That's... what I’m trying to figure out, actually,” I admitted.

“Okay? That sounds a little... disconcerting...” James said, frowning a little.

“I just... don't know if I should tell you. Or even if it's my place to tell you. I'd have to break some confidences to tell you the whole story, and... Frankly I'm worried that telling you and being honest will just do more damage than it'll do good.”

“If that was meant to reassure me in any way, it really didn't...” James said, looking insecure and scared now.

“I know, honey, I'm sorry...” Feeling restless and awkward I sat up in bed and crossed my legs. James sat up too, resting his back against the headboard, keeping quiet and waiting for me to start talking. I didn't even know where to begin, inwardly I was panicking and for some reason my brain decided to solve it by blurting out the worst thing first.

“Richard kissed me, James.” The silence following these words were immense. James blinked rapidly a few times, shaking his head a fraction, as if he thought he'd gone mad.

“He did?” He said in a voice that sounded completely alien for him.

“He... kissed me. Last weekend when I went up to Herefordshire... Mindy and the girls weren't home. At first Richard said they were just gone for the weekend, you know, visit Mindy's parents.” James just nodded slowly, brows furrowed and not looking at me, trying to take it in. “Turns out they'd had a massive fight and she'd taken the girls with her, said she'd needed to get away. They've apparently been having some problems lately, and it's just gotten worse. And Richard, he was just... upset and confused and.. I don't know, desperate for some comfort I guess.”

“... So he kissed you.” He repeated dazedly, still grappling with that fact.

“Yeah, he did...” I nodded slowly, fiddling with the sheets. “He was... torn up over it, after it happened, and really sorry. He said that if anyone should tell you it should be him because he felt he was the one you should be mad at, not me.”

“Was he drunk?” James asked feebly, as he was trying to search for some redeeming aspects to his best mate's behaviour.

“Mno, we'd just come in from off-roading.” I eyed James nervously, wondering what was going on in his head. When he didn't say anything I felt the need to keep talking. “I think he was just... Scared, and feeling lonely, and.. well, being very upset. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, and maybe I am, but... I kind of understand him, you know? We've all done stupid and illogical things when feeling like that, at least I know I have.” James still didn't say anything, just looked at me quickly then looked away again, his mind obviously racing. Unable to bear it any longer I took his hand. “James, tell me what you're thinking? Either you're taking this unnervingly well or is this just the quiet before the storm?” I asked, squeezing his hand a little.

“I'm just... very surprised” he said, frowning more at himself than anything else.

“When it happened, I was so.. shocked and surprised, I completely froze, I.. pushed him away, but not right away...” I warbled, my bottom lip trembling. James hadn't raised his voice or said one hostile word so far, and even so the guilt seemed to be tearing me apart. “For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about it. And I know he is, too...”

“Hey, hey, hey...” James said quietly, taking my hand and squeezing it, making me look at him. Whatever he saw in my eyes, guilt or remorse or shame, made him sit up straight and wrap his arm around me, pulling me close.

“I'm sorry...” I sobbed, closing my eyes and burying my head against his shoulder, hiding away from him.

“It's okay, Emily, I'm not angry with you, I promise...” He reassured me calmly, squeezing me tighter. Tears still streaming down my face I sniffed loudly, looking up at him.

“...no?” I squeaked, unable to hide the disbelief in my own voice. At this James even chuckled a little.

“Yes, I know, even I think it's a little strange! But no, I'm not angry,” he repeated, kissing my wet cheek once. “I've known Richard has a soft spot for you for a while now, I've known him long enough to know when he gets... infatuated with someone. He doesn't hide it well, and he does it often. I didn't think he'd act on it, mind.”

“But... How can you not be mad? If it was me I'd be seething with jealous,” I admitted.

“Of course I'm jealous. But I also know you're sorry about it. And at least you told me and were honest, even if I know you probably had decided not to tell me initially.” At this my head shot up from James' shoulder.

“And even knowing that, you're not mad?” I asked incredulously.

“No... Because I know the reason why you didn't want to tell me was to protect me. But you decided to be honest with me instead, and I really appreciate that.” For a moment I just stared at James, utterly gob-smacked.

“I... You... I couldn't have fallen in love with a better man,” I sniffed, collapsing into him and wrapping my arms around him. He hugged me tight and kissed the side of my head.

“Want to know the truth, Emily?” James mumbled, feeling the need to be completely honest himself.

“Mm,” I hummed, too busy enjoying his hug and the relief washing through me to register what he had really said.

“Richard called me the day after you went home, telling me about.. everything,” James said, still hugging me. I froze and sat up, shooting him an incredulous stare. “Well, he didn't mention his marriage problems, but I've suspected that something was up, even if he hasn't said something to me about it. But he admitted to kissing you, the guilt was driving him up the wall. And like you said, he felt like he should take the brunt of it, not you.” After a moment's silence in which I just stared at him, he cleared his throat and spoke again. “So I've.. had a little time to think about it. At first I was upset and jealous and all the rest of it, but... I know Richard, what he's like... He did a mistake, we all make those, and now he's said sorry and tried to make up for it. And with what you just told me it's easier to understand why it happened.”

“What did Richard say was the reason it happened?”

“I think his exact words was 'I have a stupid crush on your girlfriend and thought with the wrong head.' Or something to that effect.” James barely managed to keep a straight face as he recounted this, and I giggled. “Wouldn't be the first time he let his penis do his thinking for him,” James added with amused exasperation. “Richard also told that you didn't want to tell me, and the reasons behind it. So I was a little surprised that you did.”

“I'm sorry, I just... I was so scared of how you'd react, and I hated the thought of hurting you or.. disappointing you and..” James held up a hand to stop me rambling excuses.

“It's okay, I understand. You wanted to protect me, and you wanted to protect Richard. I get it,” he said kindly. Again I found myself staring at him, dumbfounded at his calmness, his understanding and his wisdom.

“I'll say it again, I couldn't have fallen in love with a better man. I can't believe how well you're handling all of this...”

“You know, I can handle things well, emotionally, if I just... get some time to process it first,” James said, half-joking. “Besides... Richard is a skirt-chaser and you're hopped up on horny hormones, I'm just thankful you two didn't shag each other!”

“Don't even joke about that!” I said, punching him weakly in the shoulder. Then I collapsed into him again, wrapping my arms around him and showering him with kisses. “It's you I want, anyway. And only you.”